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Monday, December 26, 2005

"Let off some steam...from the uhhhh,
steam pipe that you are now impaled upon..."
"Cut! Stick to the script, Arnold."
- deleted pun-filled scene from "Raw Deal"


here we go again! the ultimate hangover cure. sorta like holding a cold wet toilet seat with both hands. similar to a Scientological "audit." the visual equivalent of a salt-water enema. why you ask? one reason, because i must watch this movie by midnight or i'll have to pay a late fee. what better way to force my eyes open "Clockwork Orange" style than to do another.....

REAL TIME REVIEW!!!


here's the way it's done: i watch this horrible movie and i actually review it at the same time??? madness! you know why? because it's "what i do!" i also fight fires. tonight's movie:

The Fantastic Four

starring not one single recognizable actor, maybe that asshole from "The Shield?" is that him? i don't know. and that chick was on the cover of Maxim or some other fake porn rag.

-i am pushing play on my Playstation because i just cleaned my DVD player and this rental disc looks like it was used to spread mayo on a ham sandwich.
-his name is "Von Doom," hmmm. wonder if he’s going to be the bad guy? "did your momma name you DJ Lethal?"
-that’s Reed Richards? looks too young.
-always “stretching!” get it!
-that IS the guy from "The Shield." i know this because i actually saw a teenager wearing his face on a pin. like he's Bob Dylan or Che or something.
-who’s that dumb bitch? eveyone in this flick looks way too young.
-there’s a girl at the CD exchange who thinks this squat bastard who plays Ben Grimm is hot. true story. just thought i’d share that.
-rivets on the statue. rivets on the elevator.
-this bad guy's got rivets on everything but his balls.
-shiny space tits! yeah, that spacesuit looks real practical.
-this has like "Armegeddon" science. that time period is this? that ship is nothing i’ve seen before but that holographic presentation looked like goofy "Final Fantasy" shit.
-i don’t understand how they can justify the mutations that are going to happen here. i mean, it’s not like they’re the four elements or anything or we’d have a water dude. so there’s rubber dude, fire dude, rock dude and invisible bitch. are they going to say it’s their personalities that give them their powers? 'cause he’s, like, always “stretching!” and that one? he’s "a hothead!” and when you fuck her it’s like she’s “not even there!”
-it’s probably smart to concentrate on the "Thing” character in this movie because that’s really all we want to see. i mean who cares about the other powers?
-like my friend Mark said yesterday. a movie about a guy who stretches? who cares?
-oh shit. his hair is stretching! no wait, it’s just gray. and? what the hell was the point of that scene?
-why is Jessica Alba orange? this is a mutation that no one in the film is talking about.
-pun check, round two. he’s “solid.” of course he has to say that because if you ask him how he is he can’t respond with, “feeling like a big orange turd today, thanks!”
-so Johnny fireboy has a fire decal on his snowboard? holy fuck what a coincidence! or would his powers be whatever was on his snowboard? is it the chicken or the egg? so if he had Marvin the Martian on his skateboard he'd get one of those "ultimatum" guns.
-check him out. he’s so...so...extreme!
-so when do they show their lame powers? why isn’t Uncle Fester a rock dude yet?
-i love this chemistry-free love triangle.
-finally they’re morphing into the weakest comic book heroes ever.
-wait, he’s turning into a rock “under a blanket?!?” now that’s fucking weak.
-so, if the’ve “altered their DNA” why are they altering the laws of physics too?
-Hulk smash! i mean, "Thing" smash!" "Thing's fingers have too much girth to use phone! Thing try to dial down the center!" shit, i thought he was going to smash the phone.
-this is a sorry way to reveal the Thing. he walks out of the bushes to scare his wife?
-man, she turned on him a little quick! he's like, “hi honey!" and she's like, "holy christ! don’t fucking touch me YOU FREAK!” little heavy-handed wasn’t it?
-The Thing doesn’t look very rock-like. he looks like rubber joke-vomit.
-good thing Vomit Man just killed twelve people who were on their way to a Sunday at their grandmas' house just to save that one suicidal jumper.
-you know what? all their powers require that they’re nude.
-what is the point of her stripping? to push through the crowd but to do it invisible? and then they're all waiting on the other side of the crowd anyway? that made no sense whatsoever.
-look at the fucking carnage they caused on that bridge. good rescue, boys! shit’s on fire. people hanging off firetrucks, kids stuck under tires. 101 dalmations running amok. good thing they weren’t trying to get a cat out of a tree or there would be hundreds dead.
-wait, what did the orange bitch just do? some force field thing? how come she gets two powers? three powers including the bizarre shiny orange tint to her face. that’s not fair.
-oh, and the wife just had to be on the bridge to be repulsed by her rock dude again. still wearing her pajamas. soooo stupid.
-"Hulk can’t pick up ring." "Hulk SMASH!" "Hulk ponder sanctity of marriage."
-pun check. “I’ll do everything in my powers.”
-that’s it, fireboy. make fun of his ears, fuck with the rock freak who just got divorced.
-the press are calling them “The Fantastic Four?” wouldn’t the press be calling them the “Suspension Bridge Demolition Murderous Quartet?”
-very Roman-looking board room. what is this, “Caligula?”
-”Victor, stop. I’m pulling out.” sounds like something I heard on Prom night.
-check out Stan Lee thinking he’s Hitchcock with the cameo. maybe, if Hitchcock made his cameos that obvious. like if his head was glued onto one of “The Birds” and stopped to talk directly to the audience.
-okay, we’re at the start of the second act. i will pause and go get some cat food because my cats are staring at me like i'm a chiken leg. when i come back the Second Act Crisis will be introduced in the next five minutes.
-why is she so orange??? seriously. was she that orange before the mutation???
-everyone in this movie is fucking orange. did they all eat an orange, and that's what gave them powers? maybe the colors on my TV are off. they should call this movie "The Fantastic Orange."
-meanwhile...back at Wayne Manor...
-ah yes, one of those noisy bleeping movie computers.
-i don’t remember Dr. Doom having superpowers in the comic book. he was just disfigured and had diabolical plans n’ shit.
-what the hell is up with this "Real World" music montage of pranks and hijinx?
-what's next? Johnny taking a picture of Reed jerking off? Johnny writing "exit only!" on his sister's ass while she's sleeping?
-"i don't feel safe! house meetin' y'all!"
-i’m so tired of these fake "extreme" athletes. fucking around on a bike or skateboard or with a Hackey Sack or driving a Big Wheel is NOT a sport. it’s fucking around with toys.
-i think i just saw Steve-O in the motorcross scene.
-pun check. “Johnny, you’re on fire!”
-when did the Human Torch have time to get a personalized license plate? that reminds me of the time my friend Rachel said about “Jeepers Creepers” personalized license plate, “yeah, it’s funny. but does that mean there was this gargoyle monster waiting in line at the DMV?”
-okay, this BMX shit is the third incarnation of Johnny’s “extreme” hobbies.
-pun check. “let’s see if we can get blood from a stone!”
-okay, if the blue suits morph with them (because they were wearing them during the storm) then why doesn’t the number "4" patch burn off or stretch or tear or whatever since it was added after they got back on earth?
-pun check “he’s always been a hothead!”
-"does the rest of him stretch like that?" tee hee. should have been called "The Fantastic Foreskin."
-Act 3 and i’m going to have to sleep for a while. i still feel sick. more water.
-morning! is there any chance i can finish this crap movie before i feed the cats and go to work. i'm going in...
-okay, if “The Thing” is eating, then that means he must take a shit at some point. and if he shits...it will look just like him and he can name it “Jr.”
-pun check. “bring it, burn-out!”
-”hyper” cooling unit? is that like an “extreme!” cooling unit.
-okay, if “The Thing” is drinking beer, that means he must piss. and if he can piss, that means he has an orange. stone. cock.
-wait a minute, when a blind person wants to do the tired old “touch-to-see-what-you-look-like” move, do they always start with the chest? what a coincidence that he was a bare-chested orange rock creature she was touching! i know that i've had many blind people come up to me and say, "let me see what you look like" then they tweak my nipples.
-what time is it? damn, this movie lasts forever. they should have called it "The Fantastic Four In The Morning."
-pun check. “while you’re playing Twister with your girlfriend!”
-hold on, my friend is telling me a story about how blind people get screwed up when it snows out because they can’t click their sticks against the seams in the sidewalks...
-i am not kidding. she gets more orange by the second.
-look at that stack of pancakes! "Hellboy" rip-off!
-The Thing’s mouth looks exactly like a stone vagina.
-pun check. “are you flexible enough to watch your own back?”
-uh oh, he’s going into the pod. here comes Brundlefly!
-i hate to say it but you know who The Thing looks like in this movie? motherfucker looks just like Joe Cabot from “Reservoir Dogs.”
-so they went to space for billions of dollars to get those conditions that they are now easily simulating with these pods and it took a whole two hours (5 minutes of screen time) to whip up?
-pun check. “why the long face?”
-so Doom shoots a bazooka out his window and is confident that he’s killed one of his enemies? kind cocky ain’t he? that’s like me spitting out the sunroof of my car and saying, “take that, Air Force One!”
-now that Dr. Doom has finally got into full costume mode, that voice does not fit at all.
-gee, The Thing is back. good thing he was able to step into that pod and perfectly recreate such a completely random space accident and look exactly the same!
-i’m not sure i understand Reed’s powers. is he super strong? he doesn’t seem to be, then all the sudden he’s throwing around mailboxes like they’re popcorn.
-he just turned into a giant diaphragm. as he stretches, wouldn't he be easy to tear him in half? his power make no sense at all.
-even if she’s invisible, shouldn’t there be a number “4” patch floating there?
-”this is going to be fun!” i assume that was supposed to be said in the trailer. glad i missed that. the only trailer i saw had a "Perfect Circle" (?) song in it. guess they needed the money.
-they totally fucked up his kneeling-to-propose gag. think about it. they did it backwards. they should have shown them both still face-to-face, then, when she looks down, she can see that he stretched his legs to kneel but his head wasn’t any lower. instead they fuck it up and show those things in the wrong order so there's no gag.
-it's like the "Pussy Wagon" keychain in "Kill Bill." they show the car first and therefore there's no gag when we see the keychain.
-like the wallet that said "Bad Motherfucker" in "Pulp Fiction."
-it's over. finally. i need more sleep. thank kee-rist that it's finally...wait. hold on. okay, why show him locked in one of a thousand crates for a “Raiders of the Lost Ark” rip-off ending? they didn't think past their theft. there's no irony like the end of "Raiders." they just stole the image. dumb.
-i keep hoping every movie ends with that Sha Na Na song like "American Werewolf in London" did. guess you can only do that once.

::: david - 9:25 AM [+] :::
...

"Eskimo!"
-Heathers

has anyone seen "The Song Remains The Same" lately? in case anyone has been wondering (and you should be) this is the complete list of activities that John Bonham apparantly does each and every day, all during the drum solo on "Moby Dick":

1.) he jogs
2.) he plays pool, l mean "snooker"
3.) he goes for a quiet country walk
4.) he, of course, plays the drums
5.) he detail his cars
6.) he drives very fast
7.) he rides on a motorcycle while standing up
8.) he drums with his hands
9.) he cruises at more reasonable speeds
10.) he drag races
11.) he works with his jackhammer
12.) he walks cows
13.) he plays bongos
14.) he goes on a carriage ride
15.) he teaches his son how to play the drums
16.) he drives his bulldozer (?)
17.) he saws lumber
18.) he welds something
19.) he drinks a large warm British beer

::: david - 10:39 PM [+] :::
...

“Sorry. I’m sorry...”
- “Waterworld” director’s commentary according to “The Simpsons”

as i watch another shit movie and drink by myself i realize something: a couple years ago when i first started this blog, there were about ten people from all over the country who stumbled onto each others blogs and read them every day. one by one these people either canceled or moved or just stopped writing on their blogs and one of the reasons given was that too many people that they knew were reading them now and it just wasn’t the same. i swore that would never happen with mine but you know what? that’s exactly what happened. i got excited about people reading my shit and told too many people in my life to read by shit and now it seems that i am censoring my shit! good news! not no more! if you know me and are afraid you’re going to read something upsetting, get the fuck out! this blog will be going back to the same angry ugly crap that i used to spew two years ago. for starters, my job. my job is a fucking joke. i work with a bunch of crazy fuckers who include me in dramas that are occurring only in their mind. yesterday i walked into the storeroom, listened to one of my co-workers let loose with a phlegm-rattling cough, the kind you always hear from a movie character right before they fucking die, and i said, “dude, you don’t want to be back here, do you?” i said this because 1.) he was coughing like he was an extra in the mini-series “The Stand” 2.) because he was telling me he didn’t want to be back there and 3.) because i would have rather done mindless bookstacking in the back instead of waiting on the Christmas mongoloids who wanted books (any book!) to put under the tree. an hour later my boss pulls me aside and asks why i’m trying to hurt her feelings. what?!? because i had no idea what they said to each other, i blamed Whooping Cough Boy but who knows what dots they connected in their feverish brains. both of them used to frequent this site so hey, open letter to ya, compare notes next time before you include me in stupid horseshit like that again. i had to explain to two people who were listening that “no, i wasn’t in trouble, but apparently those two managers just like to make each other feel bad no matter what they invent to do it. boggles the mind when you think about how many times they probably kept that stupid shit to themselves and just walked around all angry at you and you had no idea that you were “involved.” i swear to fucking Christ if i get “pulled aside” again, because of some fucking drama that any of those fuckers imagine in their heads I WILL WALK. this is what i keep saying so listen close...i am not involved in this drama that you people seem to think i am. just because you can keep bringing it up under the guise that i’m acting different guess what? i’m NOT. i have been completely consistent since day one. except for the fact that i toned down posts so as not to offend my new local readers, and now that’s back to normal! i act the same. but i’ve seen this before at many other jobs, the more someone gets to know me, the more assumptions they make about what i’m thinking and they are ALWAYS wrong. when i say to someone at work “i don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about” it is because i’ve spent the hours leading up to your nonsense thinking about everything i will be doing when i clock OUT. oh, while i'm burning bridges, one more thing. no one is allowed to get a pained look on their face when i come in 10 or 15 minutes late if management comes in a half hour late on the same day. new rule. i keep track of these things because you’d think i kicked a puppy to death in front of them when i have legitimate car problems. other people can miss TWICE the time i do and say whatever they want and there are smiles all around. don’t even try to tell me i’m wrong, I KEEP FUCKING TRACK OF THIS SHIT. i keep track of everything. i come in late after calling at least twice so there’s no misunderstanding and i’m hit with “don’t you feel bad?” what? WHAT? have you ever asked another employee that question? didn't think do. do i feel bad??? yeah, i feel bad that i have to drop another grand on this car, i feel bad about the shit that went wrong and all the people that i was rude and impatient to trying to get to work, but NO i don’t feel bad about some insane personal shit you made up in your head that makes you think i was doing anything to YOU. you tell me that your other managers say you’re being taken advantage of by me? let me get this straight. is this the manager who has been 15 minutes, 20 minutes, HALF HOUR late on at least five occasions that i and at least three other have witnessed? this person has the fucking balls to say anything about taking advantage? you have got to be fucking kidding me. sorry about the yelling but better here than at work, right? right right? fuck all of you. who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? someone rolls their eyes at me when i’m doing everything but pulling a Fred Flintstone and popping my feet out the bottom to walk to work. someone mutters “late again huh?” then watches one of the other fucking managers come in a half hour later and say she tripped and everyone smiles like she brought them candy. FUCK YOU! you bring me down with your hypocrisy and melodramatic bullshit. i won’t be around there much longer. maybe it’s kind of my fault. eventually at these jobs people get to know a little bit about you and then they think they can fill in the gaps with what they think they know. bad idea. you people don’t know shit. i wish i worked inside some sort of welding machine where the only human contact would be for someone to come by and change some bottle when i filled it with piss. now that would be the perfect job. no more guessing what someone has imagined they know about you. no more managers hiding in the back all day, then wandering out to sum up what you’re doing in five seconds. i’ll save part of this rant for when i’m more coherent (although spell-check works wonders with everything but the dyslexia) because i’m working on a thesis called “The Case Against Middle Management” which i hope to be shown someday in a motel room on Mexican cable. hey, while i’m thinking about it. you know what i really do feel bad about? we had a manager who had a Julius Caesar pulled on him by his crew and now works like three doors down. and i actually laughed and said, “why doesn’t he ever come in here?” thinking he might be embarrassed about something because of the way he left but now i understand. he just hates those people. there were managers who worked under him happily for years who decided to talk shit on him the minute new people showed up, being more two-faced than i’ve seen since about sixth grade. i look at them now and i think, where’s your fucking integrity? is this state so full of backwards morons that they’re used to doing things so obvious and never being called out on it? maybe so. anyway, like i said, don’t read anything here unless you want to feel bad. or good, if you’re a stranger! see how that works maybe now all those old readers will come back out of hiding. there used to be like 200 of you a day and now there’s like 20. let’s see if this is why. okay, i got to work on my grad school application now and i’m to drunk to do it without typos. see i just jinxed it, now i won’t get in and i’ll be among these crazy retail bastards for the rest of my life. if anyone is offended by this hey, remember the book "Harriet the Spy?" these things happen when you read someone's diary. and this is meant for my brothers and sisters all over the country that used to join me in saying all sort of hideous stuff about people in our lives. this is a necessary outlet and i already feel better like i took a long comfortable shit while eating a chicken leg and drinking a beer at the same time. and in case anyone is wondering, yes drinking and typing is a built-in excuse to talk shit with impunity. if i was really drunk, could i spell impunity?

::: david - 10:25 PM [+] :::
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