..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

"Today's forcast is hot. today's color is black."
- Senior Love Daddy - "Do The Right Thing"

i've taken to making cds for people, whether they want them or not. i made "Carmageddon Parts 1 and 2" which include things like "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman and "Little Red Corvette" and "Black Sunshine" and "Ole' 55" and "Vanishing Point" and...you get the point. then i made a cd called "Sweet Sweet Relief" which is a combination of the "Sweet Relief" fundraiser albums (with "Summer of the Drug" and "Crazy Mary") with the 70's band Sweet ("Fox on the Run" etc.) then i got more inspired and did one called "(B)Ryan Adams" which is Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams alternating songs. you haven't heard a more awkward transition than "Answering Bell" into "Summer of 69." i started enjoying the alternating songs thing so i did one called "(The) Streets of Fire" which is "The Streets" ("just finished Gran Turismo on the hardest setting!") combined with the 80's "Streets of Fire" soundtrack. then i did one that has nothing but songs that attack Eminem, and there's a shitload if you type "Fuck Eminem" into a search engine. then i burned a "My...Bloody Valentine/Vitriol/Chemical Romance" cd. but my masterpiece of shitty combinations has to be, by far...

"Marilyn Hanson"

yep, Marilyn Manson and Hanson, together at last! two tastes that taste great together, just like that old commercial where the girl with the jar of peanut butter bumped into the guy with the chocolate bar. of course, where the fuck was she going with a jar of peanut butter on the subway? i actually couldn't tolerate entire Hanson songs and ended up doing snippets from the chorus of "MMM Bop" before, say, "Long Hard Road out of Hell" the best part of this compilation is a Hanson live song i found blended in with a song from a Manson concert. if you close your eyes you can imagine a bunch of 12 year-olds crying and their parental units recoiling in horror as Issac, Taylor and Zach stop MMM bopping and declare, "i don't love you but i'm going to fuck you until someone better comes along!" thank you Cleveland, goodnight! i haven't had this much fun editing things together since i used to tape porn for my friend Jerry and i'd start with a couple of modern day tanned hard-body types, then when it cut to close-ups of penetration, i'd edit in these grainy nasty hairy 70's clips from some ancient tapes i had. it's kind of like those Ren and Stimpy episodes where they'd zoom in on someone's nose and suddenly the cute cartoon creature looks like a full-color centerfold from the "Symptoms and Illnesses Guide"

speaking of mucus, "Land of the Dead" was weak, at least for a Romero movie. and every time they mentioned a Pittsbugh street name, the shitheads in the crowd cheered and high-fived each other, even though they didn't stick around long enough to read in the credits, "special thanks to the people of Toronto!" there was some decent gore (obscured by carefully placed zombie shadows and movements like the fucking in "Eyes Wide Shut") but the characters (HEY! they just said the word "zombie" on Rosanne! just now! freaky!) anyway, but the characters were all kept as safe and warm as a Spielburg movie. whatever happened to Romero happily offing his cast by Act 2? lame. plus there's a noble retard and Dennis Hopper actually doing his 3 scenes in the big hotel room where they must have put him up for his 3 days of filming. that night i bought "Ginger Snaps" for 10 bucks and was infinitly more entertained. and guess what? it's proud to be filmed in Canada. i was so confused i checked the credits to see if they thanked the citizens of Pittsburgh.

tonight my lizard died. i think it went into shock during it's molting. poor little critter. i'll be taking him down to the river for his Viking funeral as soon as it's cool enough outside. right now it's hot as balls in this apartment. i'm in the middle of a heat-wave triple-feature: "Do The Right Thing," "Lawrence of Arabia," and "The Hot Spot." right now between movies, while i work on my "Spunkwater" script (page 84, gonna wrap it up in 20 more) i'm listening to Johnny Cash's "Folsum Prison Blues." that album should be required listening for anyone who supports the death penalty. although i'm not sure that all those songs about death and murder were the best choices for that crowd. it's an odd vibe coming from that concert, i can't put my finger on it.

at work today i couldn't help but to leave a note taped to the bottle of a friend's strange-looking beverage. and as soon as i do, two people say, "ha! you're so predicitable! as soon as Justin tore the label off his drink and saw what it looked like, he said, "how long before Dave has to comment on this shit?" i shrug and then sheepishly leave the room, the note fluttering behind me as the door closes. it read:

"Attention! Please keep my jizz sample in a cool dry place until I drink it! Thanks, Justin"

who could resist? and what the hell was he drinking that looked like that anyway? coconut milk and sea monkeys?

::: david - 2:14 AM [+] :::
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"Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell."
- Cake

i got bored and sent some emails to Time after i read some crap about how certainty is a virtue or some such horseshit:

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okay, I need to comment on Charles Krauthammer's ridiculous essay. he says there's something wrong with fearing people because of what they believe? okay, let's say someone believes in 50 virgins for a martyrs death, or that "god hates fags?" in spite of his claim ("i'm not much of a believer") it's hard to believe anyone but a zealot would say something as idiotic as "do you remember 911? remember the moral clarity of that day" who is he talking to, except self-righteous religious types who assume they're on the winning team when it comes to religion and "their" god knows they're right. the parallel to those ribbon magnets cannot be missed. God Bless America is what they all said after 911. how can anyone not see how hilarious it is, to respond to an enemy with similar "deeply held views" that "my God is better than your God!" and he wonders why those deeply held views can't be trusted. i'm reminded of that logic professor who, after studying all the religions in the world, could only come to one ievitable conclusion:

if every religion says that anyone who doesn't believe in their god is going to hell, then only one thing is certain:

everyone is going to hell.

"why this panic about certainty," Kruthammer asks. i'll tell you why, because the current enemy sounds exactly like you.

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seoond email:

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sorry, i just can't stop commenting on that idiotic "Defense of Certainty" essay. how dare Krauthammer suggest that everyone looked to the sky for answers when the Twin Towers came down. i'll bet he's the kind of person who would say God saved him if he was the sole survivor of a plane crash, but neglects to add, "too bad God killed everyone else." it's amazing how god is always on the winning team!

and he says he's never been so sure about right versus wrong and good versus evil after 911. how can this fool not understand that the hijackers were as certain of their righteousness as Krauthammer is? you know who else he sounds like? the girl i was in Jr. High with who presented her essay, "Why There Should Be Religion in School" and didn't know what to say when someone said, "yeah, but who's religion" she just stood there, breathing through her mouth, no answer in sight, because she hadn't thought about it that far. she just assumed everyone was talking about the same God, just like this guy. okay, two emails are plenty. thanks for your time.

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after i fired them off the reaction was instantaneous. crickets began to chirp and a tumbleweed rolled by.

::: david - 1:08 PM [+] :::
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"I'm the dog that ate your birthday cake..."
- Sparklemotion (oops, i mean, Sparklehorse)

a good night/morning at WYEP although it started off shaky. got pulled over on the way there and didn't get on the air until 12:05. luckily Justin is still co-hosting with me. but i'll have to make sure i have a clear path around the speed traps because Justin will be moving to Eugene Oregon in two weeks and then i'll be doing the whole thing by myself. last night was probably the smoothest one yet though. only glitch was when i cued up a wrong song for some poor drunk who wanted to hear Joe Jackson. he got the new Doves song instead. also, here's to the people that work at the studio during the day because they left us a shitload of chow in the breakroom. i don't know what it was (some kind of middleastern looking sauces and rice and pitas) but me and Justin made some bizarre rainbow-colored burritos with one of everything and that was all the fuel we needed.

has anyone seen the "reality" show "DOG" about the bounty hunter family? what a bunch of douchebags. they all got this stupid 80's throwback look to them and near as i can tell the main douche, i mean "Dog" runs around macing high school kids who missed their court dates. he talks to the camera trying to make every arrest seem dangerous like he's busting down Tony Montana's front door and then they all turn out to be some dumbass hiding under a plastic kid's pool. and the faggot has the balls to actually preach to the people he arrests. it's the most obvious grand-standing poser bullshit i've seen in years. the whole time i sat with my fingers crossed hoping that fuck would look into a peephole and get a shotgun blast full in the face. alas it never happened. so i decided to get online and look for some sort of "Dog" backlash discussion and about halfway through a chat room i realize that they're discussing the questionable "racial purity" of the Dog's oldest son. so i back up a page and realize i've stumbled onto a neo-nazi website with topics like "raising your kids the Aryan way," "trading white cake recipes, and the usual "why the Holocaust didn't happen" gibberish. so here's my question:

why do all these neo-nazis, who are so impressed with Hitler's mass murdering skills, deny that he actually did any of it? that's like saying, "i think Tony Hawk is the greatest skateboarder of all time, and right here (waving an ominous-looking bundle of papers above my head) is the proof that skateboards do not exist."

on a lighter note i also stumbled across a great stupid movie physics website when i finished watching "The Core" and typed the words "bad science core" into google. that horrible movie is a miracle of physics and logic. but i agree it was hilarious for them to name the impossible substance that the plot demanded...wait for it...

"unobtanium."

and thanks to my friend Mark for tipping me off to the release of Walter Hill's, "The Driver" finally on dvd. got "Vanishing Point," "Two-Lane Blacktop" so it'll be good to complete my "Carmageddon!" trilogy.

anyone hear the new White Stripes yet? people requested it last night but the studio didn't have it. the reviews suggest that they re-invented the fucking wheel so i doubt it will live up to the hype. they sure ain't no bucketmen that's for sure.

::: david - 9:10 PM [+] :::
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"Uhhh, there's an invisible cocksucker standing to your right?"
- Jimmy Stewert in "Harvey" or some dude in "Deadwood"
trying to translate the Asian character's rantings.

i wrote a prison movie script and for some reason i started (or one of the characters started) rambling about quantum physics in the middle of the prison lunchroom. so then i tried a murder mystery script and, go figure, one of the characters started talking about electrons being in two places at once (well, actually he's talking about someone's fist smashing into two faces at once). and now i'm trying to write a western and goddamn if one of these cowboys isn't starting to wonder about black holes in the desert. the moral to the story is this...the discovery channel is a dangerous place for the under-educated such as myself.

listening to Nick Cave "O'Malley's Bar" the original version. surprisingly it isn't any bloodier. if anything, it's a little more tame than the final version on "Murder Ballads." plus it's broken into four parts so i would say that his revised, edited cut was actually more ambitious. at least for the addition of the line "an ashtray as big as a fucking really big brick."

watching "Deadwood" season two. has there ever been more uses of the word "cocksucker" in history? i think not. i'm reminded of the Eskimos and their two hundred uses for the word "snow." wait a second. i think someone on "Deadwood" just used "cocksucker" when they meant to say "snow." see what i mean?

::: david - 12:30 PM [+] :::
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