..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

"Today's forcast is hot. today's color is black."
- Senior Love Daddy - "Do The Right Thing"

i've taken to making cds for people, whether they want them or not. i made "Carmageddon Parts 1 and 2" which include things like "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman and "Little Red Corvette" and "Black Sunshine" and "Ole' 55" and "Vanishing Point" and...you get the point. then i made a cd called "Sweet Sweet Relief" which is a combination of the "Sweet Relief" fundraiser albums (with "Summer of the Drug" and "Crazy Mary") with the 70's band Sweet ("Fox on the Run" etc.) then i got more inspired and did one called "(B)Ryan Adams" which is Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams alternating songs. you haven't heard a more awkward transition than "Answering Bell" into "Summer of 69." i started enjoying the alternating songs thing so i did one called "(The) Streets of Fire" which is "The Streets" ("just finished Gran Turismo on the hardest setting!") combined with the 80's "Streets of Fire" soundtrack. then i did one that has nothing but songs that attack Eminem, and there's a shitload if you type "Fuck Eminem" into a search engine. then i burned a "My...Bloody Valentine/Vitriol/Chemical Romance" cd. but my masterpiece of shitty combinations has to be, by far...

"Marilyn Hanson"

yep, Marilyn Manson and Hanson, together at last! two tastes that taste great together, just like that old commercial where the girl with the jar of peanut butter bumped into the guy with the chocolate bar. of course, where the fuck was she going with a jar of peanut butter on the subway? i actually couldn't tolerate entire Hanson songs and ended up doing snippets from the chorus of "MMM Bop" before, say, "Long Hard Road out of Hell" the best part of this compilation is a Hanson live song i found blended in with a song from a Manson concert. if you close your eyes you can imagine a bunch of 12 year-olds crying and their parental units recoiling in horror as Issac, Taylor and Zach stop MMM bopping and declare, "i don't love you but i'm going to fuck you until someone better comes along!" thank you Cleveland, goodnight! i haven't had this much fun editing things together since i used to tape porn for my friend Jerry and i'd start with a couple of modern day tanned hard-body types, then when it cut to close-ups of penetration, i'd edit in these grainy nasty hairy 70's clips from some ancient tapes i had. it's kind of like those Ren and Stimpy episodes where they'd zoom in on someone's nose and suddenly the cute cartoon creature looks like a full-color centerfold from the "Symptoms and Illnesses Guide"

speaking of mucus, "Land of the Dead" was weak, at least for a Romero movie. and every time they mentioned a Pittsbugh street name, the shitheads in the crowd cheered and high-fived each other, even though they didn't stick around long enough to read in the credits, "special thanks to the people of Toronto!" there was some decent gore (obscured by carefully placed zombie shadows and movements like the fucking in "Eyes Wide Shut") but the characters (HEY! they just said the word "zombie" on Rosanne! just now! freaky!) anyway, but the characters were all kept as safe and warm as a Spielburg movie. whatever happened to Romero happily offing his cast by Act 2? lame. plus there's a noble retard and Dennis Hopper actually doing his 3 scenes in the big hotel room where they must have put him up for his 3 days of filming. that night i bought "Ginger Snaps" for 10 bucks and was infinitly more entertained. and guess what? it's proud to be filmed in Canada. i was so confused i checked the credits to see if they thanked the citizens of Pittsburgh.

tonight my lizard died. i think it went into shock during it's molting. poor little critter. i'll be taking him down to the river for his Viking funeral as soon as it's cool enough outside. right now it's hot as balls in this apartment. i'm in the middle of a heat-wave triple-feature: "Do The Right Thing," "Lawrence of Arabia," and "The Hot Spot." right now between movies, while i work on my "Spunkwater" script (page 84, gonna wrap it up in 20 more) i'm listening to Johnny Cash's "Folsum Prison Blues." that album should be required listening for anyone who supports the death penalty. although i'm not sure that all those songs about death and murder were the best choices for that crowd. it's an odd vibe coming from that concert, i can't put my finger on it.

at work today i couldn't help but to leave a note taped to the bottle of a friend's strange-looking beverage. and as soon as i do, two people say, "ha! you're so predicitable! as soon as Justin tore the label off his drink and saw what it looked like, he said, "how long before Dave has to comment on this shit?" i shrug and then sheepishly leave the room, the note fluttering behind me as the door closes. it read:

"Attention! Please keep my jizz sample in a cool dry place until I drink it! Thanks, Justin"

who could resist? and what the hell was he drinking that looked like that anyway? coconut milk and sea monkeys?

::: david - 2:14 AM [+] :::
...