..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Monday, October 17, 2005

"Ain't no thing but a chicken wing..."
- Outkast


need to post something. kind of in a rut lately. job is dull as fuck. every time i'm there i can think of a hundred other things i need to be doing. tired of Pittsburg. saw an Escalade today with a handicap sticker in the window. now, i don't want to jump to conclusions but there are two possible ways that someone is taking advantage of something there. finally saw "History of Violence," thought it was decent. surprised by the stuff that Cronenberg decided to leave out. in the comic book the main character's brother isn't a mobster, he's being held hostage by the mobsters. for like twenty years. on a meat hook. with his arms cut off. very harsh and the kind of thing that Cronenberg usually goes for. this movie is too mainstream and for him it's just a jerk-off. good shot of a man choking on his own smashed nose though.

right now out my window is a little show i refer to as "Crack Head Theater." starring this dumb bitch that lives in my apartment building who is always running around the parking lot laughing and getting into various cars for drug deals or some such obvious crap. sometimes she'll come out in her professional disguise (sunglasses and a baseball cap) and lurk around the dumpster rubbing sun-tan oil on her shriveled white arms and scabby knees. i have some pictures of her hijinx (stumbling around with a bottle of vodka) i'll try to dig them up. right now the crack-head is standing by the road and every time someone pulls in the parking lot, she quickly acts as if she's walking up or down the stairs. what a fucking dunce. i love how drug-addled morons are convinced that they're so sly and they're actually the most obvious idiots on the planet.

ever notice on the newer videogames that, even though they've added expensive new effects and voice actors to some classic characters (Crash Bandicoot villians for example) it has somehow given them less personality?

been listening to a lot of Outkast lately. even though, like my friend steve said, without the skits their albums would be fifteen mintues long, i still think they're the best at what they do ("i fight fires! it's what i do!" - Backdraft) and i like the fact that the one dude has a shark tank in his garage. that reminds me. anyone see that book about the genius who thought he was some kind of Bear Whisperer? it's called "The Grizzly Maze" and it talks about this guy who thought it would be a good idea to run around on all fours and live with the bears. guess what happened to him? he got FUCKING EATEN. all that was left was his head. his girlfriend also got eaten, right after she recorded him getting eaten. then i think the videotape got eaten. point is, there was a lot of eating. that doesn't happen enough, you know? animals just suddenly eating someone? you'd think it would happen more. you always here about how dangerous these animals are but there's like ten shows with guys swimming with crocodiles and having all these scary "near misses" from some snapping jaws. they have to get lucky at some point, right? i keep hoping. it's like the host of the show "Cheater" where he gets all righteous and jams his microphone in the face of someone who was fucking around, or getting fucking around on. you know what happened to him? he got eaten. just kidding. no, he only got STABBED IN THE GUTS. how funny was that??? reality show host gets shanked! should have been more headlines with those words. he gets on this boat and gets in this dude's face and says something like "how can you do this to your - GLORP!" knife in the stomach. i laughed so hard when i saw that i scared the crack-head and she dove into the dumpster.

but i was thinking, if Grizzly Man can try to be the Bear Whisperer, I want to be the Shark Whisperer. i mean, that one guy was riding on a shark in the opening scene of "Deep Blue Sea" and that's a true story, right? my god! the sharks are using tools!

::: david - 10:04 PM [+] :::
...

"Into the fluid!"
"Right you are, Ken!"
- MXC


home sick today with some intestinal distress. thought i'd catch up on some electronic mail n' stuff. a friend of mine made me into a South Park character and emailed it. surprisingly accurate, except that the book hides the sleeveless shirt the creature is wearing. and what is that book? looks like Cantonese subtitles.

since i used the word "cunt" twice within two posts i decided not to use it here. at first i was thinking of a way to sneak it in but then decided that would be juvenile.

so last wednesday's/thursday's show at WYEP went great. best one yet. had a duel between songs about Intelligent Design and Evolution. had about 20 requests for songs that mentioned a monkey (Rolling Stones "Monkey Man" Elvis Costello "Monkey To Man" Pixies, Peter Gabriel etc.) so the definition of "evolution songs" got stretched kinda thin. like "I Come From the Water" by the Toadies i would say yes definitely. but songs with mermaids in 'em? i don't know. on the other side of the debate, the Intelligent Design song just turned into "god songs" (aka Johnny Cash) with one strange exception. wait, make that two exceptions. first some dude calls and says "play the theme to 2001!" because he figures it's a slam dunk for evolution (because i was baiting the viewers into thinking that the score was closer than it was) but after i confessed that i couldn't find the song, i explained on the air that, even though the movie shows monkeys becoming men, and yes this is evolution, it also shows them gaining the knowledge to brain other monkeys in the skull with bone-hammers because they touched the big black slab. in other words, the textbook definition of "intelligent design." sure it's aliens and not god doing the tampering but i had to take that point away from evolution. and if Ken would have been up at that hour, he would said, "hell yeah!" high-fived his new baby and stuck in his copy of "Mission To Mars" to cry with Gary Sinese and that computer-generated alien. oh yeah, the second exception was "Dear God" by XTC. i know everyone thinks that would go against intelligent design or god songs because the narrator is verbally spanking god for all the evils in the world HOWEVER that does mean that the narrator is acknowledging the existence of god and i can't give it to evolution just because the singer is being "snarky." now if there would have been more of a parody of divine-intervention being a ridiculous concept because of natural disasters n' shit, then maybe i could see giving a point to evolution. but this singer is clearly addressing his deity so it's a god song. right up there with Joan Osborne (another request that night) and there was some controversy about Devo. i didn't know this until a listener explained it but "Devo" is short for "devolution" which becomes a third argument. if "devolution" is the opposite of "evolution" then who gets the point for playing "Jocko Homo?" see how complicated things got? and in spite of the glut of requests for that Pearl Jam song, it's got too many swear words in it. at the end of the night the score was tallied and both sides had the same number of songs. i did a sudden death overtime and got a request for Jeff Buckley "Hallelujah" which only has a biblical sounding word in the title as near as i can tell (plus it's kind of a pussy Lilith Fair sounding tune) so i didn't want that to be the tie-breaker...then suddenly there was an eleventh-hour request for the song "Lump" which squeezed evolution back into the science text-books! there were so many calls i promised a rematch next wednesday so if anyone can think of some good suggestions leave them in the comment box. we thought there were no more evolution or intelligent design songs after the first mix cd i brought with me, but the callers thought of like ten more. so i know there's more out there. remember, for a good song, the definition will be stretched to accommodate. hey, that sounded like one of those sex-ed books didn't it?

hey! back to the bathroom! i think i'm going to write a short story today about a toilet since it is now my best friend. how many stories about toilets can there be out there? maybe i can fill that void and finally publish something! think about it, anyone ever flip open their "New Yorker" and read:

"...i stared into the eye of the tiny brown hurricane, wondering how many flushes would be necessary. i decided that, since there wasn't a flower nearby to destroy, an odd number of flushes would mean "she loved me" and an even number of flushes would mean "she loved me not..."

::: david - 11:11 AM [+] :::
...