..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Thursday, February 17, 2005

"I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who i am..."
- Supertramp


tonight i'm sitting in the radio station of WYEP Pittsburgh, 91.3, doing the midnight to four am "free form" shift. my friend Justin is here as an intern and we alternate hours picking music and wandering empty halls. i found this computer humming away online around the corner under a framed platinum David Gray album and figured it would be a good way to fire off a post while i'm here all night. it's not such a bad way to spend a Wednesday (Thursday), once we come in at midnight the building is ours and ours alone. i creep around and look at the stuff they pin to their walls and it makes me yearn for a full-time job in a place like this. all these people have these toys and cds and happy pictures on their desks and when they get home at night, they probably can talk about their day at work without raising their voice. me, i spend 40 hours a week dealing with cry-babies and incompetence and ridiculously unprofessional blame-oriented management and now I want a desk with bubblegum machine toys and snapshots and tiny cactuses on it. time out, it's my hour to play 12 songs...

okay, the last couple Thursday mornings (every other Thursday actually) i've tried to give my two hours some kind of theme. first it was good songs from bad movies (lots of Cameron Crowe in there) then it was songs from the credits of movies (got my first call-in request with that theme when some drunk bastard wanted to hear that Faces song from the end credits of the movie "Rushmore") but tonight my mind is jumping all over so it's just a bunch of songs. started off the hour with "The Logical Song" because it has to have the best rhyming i've ever heard in my life (rappers take note) and then some INXS because it reminds me of elementary school and i had Semisonic "I Wish" after that even though it's some serious cheese but Justin just walked out and said it's eight minutes long so it won't fit in my hour. maybe i can balance it out with that Smithereens song "Tell Me When Did Things Go So Wrong," that thing is only like 2 minutes tops.

here's something i wanted to get off my chest:

when i'm standing at the sink in a public restroom pulling some food or a hair out of my teeth or something and some waterhead walks over to the urinal and we have those couple of moments to spend together, tell me this.....WHY CAN'T HE PISS? i will never understand why so many grown men have to cough and flush and spit to cover up the fact that they cannot piss with anyone else in the room. damn that's annoying. do they think i'm going to judge them by the force of the stream or the length of the emission? it's really pathetic and i had to mention it. seriously, what's the matter with people that they are afraid to piss in front of a stranger? you should be afraid to, maybe, SHIT in front of a stranger, if it's into a coke bottle or a prison toilet in the middle of the cell, but at a urinal where i couldn't see your joint even if i wanted to? no excuse. you really are half a man with that nonsense. you wouldn't have survived the pre-industrial age, let alone the caveman days.

this keyboard is stiff as hell. i got Nick Cave's "When I First Came To Town" playing right now for anyone out there who is listening, then Cohen's "Waiting For The Miracle" after it. that album cover is great, nice change from the lame posing and head shots so many people waste album covers on. this one looks like some strange flag or confusing tattoo or something. you know, it doesn't pay anything to be doing this, and i'm hungry as a stray dog come 4 in the morning but i actually enjoy it. i haven't said that in a while. walking around these empty desks and looking at their toys and music does make me jealous but it also gives me enough hope to get me through another shit day at my real job.

update! check it out. it's 3:33 am and i just made my radio debut. got to say the call letters and cue up Tom Waits "Romeo Is Bleeding." at least ten drunks might have heard me, although, at this hour, that song is known to cause manic-depressives to put a shotguns in their mouths.

::: david - 1:05 AM [+] :::
...

"Brave man likes to feel the rain on his face."
- Wang from "Big Trouble in Little China"

"Wise man has the sense to get out of the rain."
- dude named Egg from the same movie



why do i do it to myself? why don't i watch a good movie? what am i proving by watching movies that are such easy targets? why don't i watch some Fellini then have an intelligent discussion about the film's symbolism, cultural context or mise en scene? am i like the guy in "North Dallas Forty" who is punching the wall until his knuckles bleed because he thinks chicks dig self-abuse? or is it this simple:
i secretly love to watch shit like this and my reviews are a huge rationalization. beats me! no time to talk 'cause it's eight o'clock and i don't give a fuck about the Superbowl (the Patriots will end up in some political ad because of their name anyway) so it's time for another.......


REAL TIME REVIEW!!!


here's a crash course: i watch the movie, chew gum, pat my head, rub my stomach and review the flick at the same time (thirty seven patents pending) here we go! tonight's movie:

Troy

starring Brad Pitt, the dude from The Hulk and the chick from Lord of the Rings? she must have dyed her hair. also starring several hundred computer programmers judging from the shiny fake-ass looking preview.

-turning off the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet to watch this. anyone see this thing? The Puppy Bowl is the best idea since stealing music online.
-the opening credits say, "in association with Plan B?" uhhhh, that’s not a good sign. that’s like saying, “in association with Try Again Pictures.”
-what the hell are they wearing? looks more like Star Trek uniforms.
-computer generated troops chanting just don't excite me. i see computer men yelling and i just assume their chants are one dude's voice in a studio, looped over and over again too.
-okay, that guy is big but his body looks like a rubber suit...oh shit, he's already dead. that was quick. movie over?
-damn, they should call him "A-Kill-Ease!" ha! get it? shut up.
-hey! it's that hot chick from "Pirates of the Caribbean!"
-"with this, Achilles sprang from his seat and killed a sheep." - "The Illiad" (or "Cold Mountain")
-"like the Pirates of the Caribbean, the neighborhood watch...they don't like what they're seein'." - Kottonmouth Kings
-oh, hot lesbian action with Orlando Bloom and some blonde.
-notice the arm bands on Bloom since she has the scrawniest arms in this flick.
-Bloom's all breathy talkin' like Neve Campbell.
-i had Neve Campbell's voice on my answering machine. my sister was talking to her.
-too bad she wasn't whispering "call the police."
-"she left with the Trojans?" dammit. anyone else got one i can use?
-"brave men have also cried" - wait, that was from "Big Lebowski."
-okay, my problem with this movie is this, and i'll be the first one to admit i was wrong if they correct this problem before it ends: how can a story with supernatural elements (especially the existence of Achilles and his strength and weaknesses from being dipped into a river in hell) ignore these elements but still have the characters? that's like having a movie with Santa Claus running around, but never acknowledging Christmas. or something.
-hey, the dude from "Chopper!" "Chopper" was a great movie. why didn't i buy that?
-Stonehenge! "where the banshees live and they do live well!" so is that how the stones got knocked over? from Brad Pitt working out?
-gasp! look at all those ships! that must have taken so much time to line them up on the horizon like that! oh wait, that was the new videogame "Troy" they were showing.
-see, this ain't "Spartacus" where hundreds of nutjobs are falling down hills and getting hit by flaming telephone poles, this is computer bullshit. you're not allowed to play swelling epic music if you're showing computer effects. sorry.
-oh, it's Helen OF TROY is it? had to stress the "of Troy" part in case anyone wasn't paying attention. just like when they say, "they just bombed PEARL HARBOR?"
-'cause when you think about it, in all those WWII movies, someone would be saying, "they just bombed Pearl Harbor, Hawaii." and the other person would be going, "where the fuck is that?" because the navy base at Pearl Harbor wasn't common knowledge and...i know i keep saying this.
-Achilles just said "wouldn't it be great if kings fought each other instead of wars?" my friend Holly designed a videogame just like that but Sony pulled the plug. ahead of it's time, wasn't it, H?
-i'm typing on my new computer. it's all shiny and silver and the power button has a pleasing blue glow like the movie "Tron."
-hey! "Tron???" "Troy???" isn't it time someone acknowledged that "Tron" was based on "The Illiad" and "Troy" was based on "Tron?" think about it, they're the same damn movie! `except for the computer shit.
-"do not mock the gods?" or what? okay, watch me do just that: hey you! (looking up at the sky) why aren't there any dinosaurs in the bible?! nothing.
-these idiots talk to each other with their faces like two inches apart.
-was Brad Pitt drunk when they filmed this? he's talking like he's got a mouthful of jizz.
-okay, this battle better be a fucking bloodbath or we're going to see this dvd bounce off one of my cats.
-why is there an eye on that battleship? are they hoping the enemy will be like, "attack! no wait, that's just a sea monster, ignore it."
-c'mon, let's not skimp on the blood here. remember how many times in "The Illiad" they said, "his bowels burst from his sphincter and he crashed to the ground"?
-now i'm torn because i like the gore here, but the angry viewer to my left just yelled, "what's the point of all the goddamn metal if you can just stab through it?" she's right, but i want blood, not sparks, you know? i remember my uncle said that exact same thing back in the early 80's when we watched "Excalibur" and armored limbs were flying with every chop. i had the same conflict then.
-i like the bright daytime beach fighting. nice change from the murky Gladiator opening battle scene.
-Agamemnon was the name of the cat ("hundred things" drunk list #104) that scratched my balls.
-wait, Hector and Achilles aren't going to fight already, are they? i thought that was the whole plot.
-"they'll be talking about this war for a thousand years." that's annoying. that's like someone in the movie "Ben Hur" saying, "they'll make a moving picture with sound about this day, and many people will eat thine popped corn while they watch."
-more computer dudes.
-i hate to quote "Roadhouse" twice in one day (luckily the first time was while no one was around) but, with regards to Brad Pitt's much-hyped physique, "i thought you'd be bigger."
-i'm still wondering if they're going to acknowlege the supernatural plot elements. Tyler just said he's "seen the gods." but this is clearly a world without gods in this movie. i mean, it's more "Braveheart" than "Clash of the Titans."
-Agamemnon, also a leader of men in the masterpiece "Super Troopers." that's not sarcasm by the way.
-blah blah blah, jesus christ. there's more fighting in "Tron."
-you know, in "Tron" they have a big duel between Sark and Tron at the end. see, exact same story. except for the killer frisbees.
-wait! there's killer frisbees in "Tron" too!
-check out the baby playing with his toy rock! thanks, mom! no, i'm fine, i'll just chew on my rock lion in my wicker-and-cactus crib!
-you know, in computer lingo, a Trojan Horse is like a virus or some shit. see, "Tron" and "Troy," same damn movie.
-finally, some actual Homer quotes in this post-modern snooze-fest.
-watched "Cabin Fever" before this tonight. not good, but worth renting just for the "Rotten Fruit" cartoons they threw in on the dvd. high-larious. especially the Battle of the Bands one.
-hey, he was in "Caligula!" a better movie. it had a giant satanic Zamboni rolling around the arena chopping off heads.
-sweet, another battle. but would their feet make that marching sound in sand?
-you know, the Master Control Program in "Tron" talks like someone out of "Lord of the Rings." see, same damn movie.
-Helen of Troy has that sorority girl orange glow-tan thing going on.
-Ted Bundy's trip to the sorority house was the only good thing he ever did. wait, did i just say that out loud?
-hundreds of computer dudes facing off. yawn. why even bother showing the end of that army? i mean, with computer graphics, why not just show lines of men cover the globe? you could pan back to outer space and see men swarm across the planet and clash at the equator! why not, right? just press another button, right?
-Bloom's going to fight. yikes. where's a sniper when you need one?
-wait, he's Paris. i wish i hadn't read this book. i know he wins.
-this computer gets hot when i type on a pillow for two hours.
-you know what else gets hot, ladies? Brad Pitt's sack when he's running around in the sun all day.
-too many conversations by firelight in this movie. it's much easier to pay attention to movies when they're in broad daylight. except for "Cabin Fever."
-holy crap. Achilles fucked her to death.
-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. wake me up when they start fighting.
-c'mon. i don't want to watch a battle at night.
-okay, speaking of balls, check out the flaming balls of twine. that's kind of cool.
-well, it was cool until they started exploding like dynamite.
-Hector and Achilles are fighting already? what? oh, that was the Brad Pitt clone that got his throat cut. suckered me there.
-let's get the "Clash of the Titans" over with here. when do they fight? the dvd chapter list says it's at the 2 hour mark. should just read that instead.
-ha, Brad Pitt's choking his girl AND standing on the one dude's throat. they should have a puppy run by so he can kick that, too.
-finally here's the big fight.
-they're running to get Hector. ha, Achilles is at the door yelling. someone's like "hey Hector, got a phone call, dude." Hector's like, "oh yeah, who is it?" someone goes, "I don't know, but i think he's got the word "kill" in his name."
-did they pinch that baby to get it to cry on cue like that?
-poor Hector. he must have known he was screwed. i mean, would you rather be the dude with "heck" in his name or "kill" in his name?
-it would be funny if, to further violate Hector's corpse in front of his wife and his dad, Achilles walked up to the gates and did some "Weekend at Bernie's" gags, having him wave and water-ski 'n shit.
-the Trojan Horse is cool and all, it being all familiar to anyone who's taken an English class, but would anyone be stupid enough to actually roll an army-sized gift (Landshark!) inside your castle walls? couldn't they hear the guys giggling inside the thing?
-should have known that chick Legolas from "Lord of the Rings" would have to come to the rescue with his impossible arrow shots.
-always the Enya music is this stuff.
-the only expression Orlando Bloom can ever muster is pensive.
-that's not much of a defeat, i mean, i was joking about a sniper earlier but isn't bringing an arrow to a swordfight the same thing? kind of cheating ain't it?
-i like the fact that the only arrow still in him is in his foot, but doesn't that suggest that he WAS dipped into the river by his foot to be immortal? can't have it both ways! i mean, this ain't "Spartacus," it ain't even "Gladiator,"
-you know what they could have done? they could have had people run up and see the arrow in Achilles' foot (not knowing that he already pulled out all the ones in his chest that killed him) then they'd get confused and think that he had this one vulnerable spot on his heel and THAT'S where all the myths and stories came from!
-naaa, that's thinking about it too much. more than the screenwriters did anyway. sorry.
-you can't really hint that it's a true story by carefully avoiding all the greek gods stuff in it. they cut out half the plot and pretend it's in the history books? that's why so many people think they just watched a "A Bridge Too Far" kind of thing instead of a "Dark Crystal" kind of thing.
-there are stupid people in the bookstore that thought this was a true story. that's a true story. about the stupid people, i mean.
-okay, here's a test for you: which one of those two movies, "Dark Crystal" or "Bridge Too Far," has the same level of historical accuracy as "Troy?" see what i mean? they trick you into thinking you just watched "Patton" or something.
-isn't a Trojan Horse some kind of computer virus?
-see what i'm saying? "Tron" and "Troy." same damn movie.

::: david - 8:15 PM [+] :::
...

"Brown water streamed in at the alarming rate of a cow pissing."
- "Cold Mountain," Charles Frazier

"You want a toe? I'll get you a toe by three o'clock."
- "The Big Lebowski"


Finally watched "Cold Mountain." not good. and they kill so many creatures in that flick they should have called it "Animal Massacre 1861" since they kill the rooster for laughs, chop up the cow for momentum, and stab that goat in the neck for...symbolism? jesus fucking christ, at the end when the little girl says "don't kill it" when the mom is putting the wool over that sheep i was yelling the same thing. when i tune in to a Civil War movie, i want to see HUMANS getting massacred. if i wanted to see animal abuse i'd go to the circus. i did like the part when Jude Law was dragging like ten dudes chained to him. hell, that could have gone on for another half hour and i'd be happy. they never stretch the cool shit out long enough. like the guy ripping out the toilet in Boondock Saints. that could have lasted much longer. how about he rips out TWO toilets??? then juggles that shit in slo-motion! or like "Return of the King" when Rudy was carrying Frodo up the mountain. real feel-good moment that lasted about 10 seconds. i would have had Rudy carry Gandalf carry Frodo carry Gollum about two miles. crying the whole way about seeing strawberries again someday in the shire.

so here's a story where i don't do shit and feel bad later:

there's this mom and kid in the bookstore and the kid has some sort of metal disorder that's making him bark out noises and cough and people are getting nervous and starting to sneak looks at them. you'd think that everyone would realize that the kid is obvioiusly autistic or something and not just unruly but no, some cocksucker has to make his disappoval known to all. this prick comes up to me to ask where a book is and the kid barks out a "No!" and the prick says to me (grinning like i'm his poker buddy) "little bastard needs his ass whooped." i look at him in disbelief, frowning and he snaps at me, "i guess no one around here has got a sense of humor." i mumble, "well, i think there's something wrong with the kid and-" asshole snaps, "so what. no excuse." i wander away gritting my teeth, find a couple co-workers to tell the story to, then get mad enough to find the prick to say something to him. he's long gone of course. so i'm gutless. didn't say shit when i had the chance and i'd probably give up one of my fingers (maybe not, maybe just a toe) in order to say this to that fuckwit:

"You know what? You're right! They've been tying to understand that affliction for decades but you stumbled on to the cure. a smack upside the head and POW! the kid is cured! you're a fucking genius. all this time and the cure to autism was right there in front of us. a backhand from a self-righteous fuckhead and the kid stops writing numbers in his shit, blinks twice then looks around the room to say, "i'm sorry mom!" at first i didn't believe it, but it's clear that you knew how to handle the situation. my mistake, your work here is done, doctor!"

that's what i should have said.

but i didn't.

::: david - 1:28 PM [+] :::
...