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Saturday, September 25, 2004

“Fool me once when a bird in the hand is worth two if you count them before they hatch.”
- George W. Bush


this is the funniest thing i’ve seen on the Onion in a long time. funny because it’s so true. and funny because calling “shotgun” is no joke.

okay, here’s what’s wrong with those yellow ribbon magnets that are all over the cars these days:

1.) it’s not wrapped around anything. it’s a picture of a ribbon made into a magnet. that’s like wearing a baseball jersey that has a picture of your baseball cap drawn on your chest. the whole point of a ribbon is to wrap it around something.

2.) it’s a magnet, so there’s no commitment like, say, a bumper sticker. no goo to scrape off years later so you don’t really mean it.

3.) and finally, the most important thing of all. . .you are NOT saying that you “support the troops.” you are saying that you support the WAR. big difference you gutless fuck. have the balls to say what you mean instead of hiding behind a statement that’s tailor-made to silence anyone who opposes the actual conflict. why are you people so fucking stupid. who the fuck do you thinking you’re fooling?

and p.s. the God Bless America ribbon-magnet is, of course, idiotic considering the religious mania that comes with the terrorists (and our homegrown dipshits). so if you have that on your car you’re either saying “God likes US, not you.” or, even more hilarious, “MY God is better than YOUR God.”

walking meat, dude. i swear, that’s what i see out my window. a world made up of blissfully ignorant walking slabs of meat. if i close my eyes it’s as if they are bumping into everything, shitting and drooling on anything they touch

question: why do the same people who insisted that the image of the Trade Center be removed from all movies and photos, find nothing wrong with buy a commemorative coin that shows the building that’s made from Ground Zero materials??? that’s like getting some shoes made of skin on your Auschwitz tour.

something i just remembered. a while back my friend Blue (yes “Blue”) was making fun of my music collection and he commented that i “had no filter, and just bought everything.” i just wanted him to know that i have all three Filter cds now, including their latest “Amalgamutt” so i don’t know what you were talking about.

oh yeah, Steve, if you’re out there, i lost my Fisher Space Pen and i’m in mourning. send me another one in case i go into space and then desperately need to doodle on something above my head.

::: david - 6:57 PM [+] :::
...

“And we’ve painted all our kittens white, so that we can see them in the night...”
- Nick Cave - God Is In The House

“Your kid looks like a fag to me. You better bring a man around here fast or he’s gonna have a cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson.”
- Paul Newman in Slap Shot

"Babies being born without brains, the mad heat and the relentless rains..."
- Nick Cave - Papa Won't Leave You, Henry



so after that Jesus movie i’ve been thinking about the best way to explain my frustration with religious zealots, Christian scientists and all those other self-righteous nuts. and here it is:

Aesop’s Fables. think about the story of the rabbit and the turtle. the rabbit stops to sleep and the turtle lumbers right on past him and holy shit the turtle wins the race. let’s say that the story i just told was in the bible. keep in mind that this is not so far fetched since there’s all sorts of talking animals and even crazier things in there than that.

and when a rational person reads this Bible verse (call it Aesop 21-12) what do they get out of it? well, i think that they’d say hmmm, sounds like there’s a message in there. something about persistence and don’t take shit for granted and gee, maybe i'll remember this lesson in my daily life.

now here’s what happens when a crazy person reads it:

“Yep! There really WAS a rabbit and turtle race, and if you don’t believe that it really happened, you are going to hell. Here look, if we look at these fossils it’s clear that there was finish line where many of God’s creatures celebrated when the turtle won this race, here’s where a lion high-fived an ostrich and a tiger hugged a unicorn and...wait, there was only one unicorn on the Ark, that explains it!”

see what i mean? the message is forgotten and these fuckheads spend all their time trying to prove that a fable ACTUALLY happened. where the rational person might actually learn something valuable and apply it to his/her life, the nutjobs miss the point and spend all their time trying to prove that animals can talk. just like the people who will go to their grave trying to convince you that there were two mosquitoes on the Ark. troubling, ain’t it?

and those god-fearing rednecks will fall for the "family values" god-talk everytime. never mind that they've been fucked by these Republicans every chance they got, that's okay, they like his "honesty" and his "values." you fucking lumps of shit. so easily manipulated that you wouldn't have survived back in the caveman days. today you affect way to many things by breeding out intelligence and engaging me in too many road-rage incidents. where's Darwin when we need him, eh? i wish there was a way to identify what you were at birth so that the doctor could hold you by the leg and bash your empty head against the corner of the wall.

p.s. this has nothing to do with what i just said but i think it should be said this week. if you are a female, and you are voting for Bush or have a “W” on the back of your car, you are, quite simply, a stupid bitch. you are like the woman who says “i ain’t voting for Kerry because he looks like a raisin." and if you think you have some sort of knowledge of the issues and the campaign, sorry, you don’t. unless you just hate women and therefore yourself. it’s tragic i know, but you are NOT entitled to your opinion in this case because you clearly have no idea how much the people that you’re endorsing have fucked you over the years. you are ignorant and worthless and probably think it’s cool to call yourself “Mrs. John Smith” so fuck ya.

also, you’re probably one of those annoying fucks who scold their child in public only because they want to announce some elaborate name they’ve burdened their child with for life, “c’mon Malachi Austin! put down that diaper!” as if anyone gives a fuck what soap opera name you stuck on that brat. fuck him too. hope the little bastard gets one of his Thomas trains stuck in his ass. like i did. did i just say that out loud? and while i'm feeling all giving and helping out with my free parenting advice, here's another thing:

you pinched sour-faced old women out there wouldn't have to stand there huffing in disgust when a child is making noise and it's not yours to spank if, when you were raising your own kids, you didn't use tactics to fool the brat into putting stuff they wanted down, then quickly distracting them out the door. see, that's why they scream, because they don't trust you. every conflict ends with you trying to fool the child into being quiet. sooo worried about what other people think. it's simple, the kid wants it and he can't have it. but you want a quick fix to fool them so that later they have a complete break-down because you can't be trusted. it's like that movie "Day of the Dolphin" when they tell the dolphin that there are sharks in the pool and it freaks out. not because of the threat of sharks, but because humans lied to it for the first time. sad story huh? sniff. anyway, clearly they don't have the skills to just concentrate on being mothers and housewives so when you're at the bookstore, don't just buy a cookbook and the latest Oprah book and let you kid get worked into a frenzy in the children's section with the Thomas train set (of course he'll want to take that shit home, even i can't resist playing with it), instead read about a weeks worth of the Onion and go vote for Kerry. otherwise you women will get the government you deserve (i ain't afraid to quote Don Henley) if you don't quit acting like second-class citizens and get your heads out of your ass.

::: david - 5:09 PM [+] :::
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“Fasten your seatbelts!”
- deleted scene from “Passion of the Christ” (used in the early summer-action-movie style preview)



i was just starting to watch “Passion of the Christ” and in the opening credits they got this quote about Jesus’ wounds and forgiveness or something and the date on the quote is 700 B.C. now, i ain’t no biblical scholar but i thought “B.C.” meant “Before Christ.” so how does Isaiah write about Jesus 700 years “Before Christ?” maybe i’m missing something here. also, did they refer to the time period before Christ as “B.C.” while they're are living in, and writing about, "B.C." 'cause that would seem like a very good guess? know what i mean? kind of like calling it World War One before you know there's going to be a World War Two. the worst war movies usually fuck that up.

anyway, it sounds like the first Star Wars movie and all that “Episode IV" nonsense where he claimed to have always intended it that way. so, instead of the usual “Real Time Review” i decided to post a review i wrote for Star Wars The Phantom Menace (the fourth film called “Episode 1” for some reason) back when it came out. this made sense when i was thinking about it. okay, before you say it, the only reason i went to see this crap back then was because i had to distract my dad for a couple hours before his surprise party and it was the only thing playing. so hear we go!

The Phantom Menace: Episode One (aka "Star Wars B.C.")

When I saw the preview, I already knew it was going to suck. I was sitting there waiting for some other piece of shit to start and up popped that three minute trailer, that tiny piece of teaser that millions were downloading off the internet and analyzing like the Zapruder film. And the first thing I noticed were those stupid fucking robots. No the other ones, the new "battle droids". Never mind that they had the usual computer generated plastic cartoon look that idiots mistake for great effects. That was expected, people have seemed to accept the fact that digital-effects technology has leveled-off to become as accepted as those stop-motion monsters from the Harryhausen era. It's not what they look like, it's enough just to use them. The effect sticks out as obvious as the darker doors in cartoons (all the kids knew, if it was a different color, it meant it was going to open) but it’s good to notice the strings. It means money was spent, so what if the robots look like every shit monster off cable, it's new technology. Anyway, that's not the problem. The problem is, why is there an army of fucking robots? What happened to those Stormtrooper dudes in the white suits? Forget the fact that this is in the past and why the hell would there be a more advanced droid army then, when that means the Empire must start using men in suits later. Forget all that, if you can. You know the reason why Lucus used the robots? Because he wrote himself into a hole with the lightsabers. In this prequel, the Jedi are their own army, a lame mystic army sure, but they carry a decent weapon. This thing can cut through anything, and any kind of large scale fight would be bloodier than the first battle in “Braveheart” therefore, because this is a children's film (and when did that happen?) he cheats us by making sure no one gets cut. In a battle where the main weapon is a sword, he neuters it. Amazing.

So when did Lucas decide to make a stupid kids movie? If you believe all the bullshit and lying and backpedaling he did in his pre-release interviews, he may have had nine movies planned all along, or maybe not, at least six anyway, maybe not, but there was this “back story” that needed to be told. Why? Who demanded that? Fuck the fans, they just pump money into the machine because they're losers and they want to be part of something, as if the movie setting a box office record means "they won". What kind of idiot decides that "Star Wars" is his/ her "thing" to back no matter what? Even when the franchise turns into kids films? Don't let them fool you, they know it sucks. But they think buying a ticket means they’re accepted in some kind of club. And you know what? When it was being made, the sound guys and the lighting guys and the computer guys all knew it sucked too. The only one who didn't was George Lucas, because, tragically, he's a talentless fuck. He thinks he's made some mythological good vs. evil statement with crap like "chosen ones" and "prophecies" and lots of common sense philosophy with more "nevers" and "always" than I've heard since...hmmm, all that sci-fi/fantasy shit I read as a kid. When did crap science fiction decide it's characters had to talk like mediaeval knights? Is it because the science fiction and romance section are too close together at the book stores? Because all those pink and purple covers are interchangeable, so are the insides? Lucas's imagination knows no bounds, "Let's see...we'll have a desert planet, an ice planet, a metal planet...a tree city, a cloud city, a water city..." Complete shit. Even children are more creative than that. Then the famous twists, "uh, he's his father, and she's his sister, he built that robot...and everything takes place on or around the ass-backwards desert planet cause that's where the first movie started, you see it's all tied together". That's writing in reverse, trying to force meaning where there wasn't any. Another George used to rewrite history, his name was Orwell (the Nazis had “flair”...) and he did it in "1984" to brainwash people into forgetting how hopeless and fucked things really were. That's all he is doing with this "prequel" and "episode one" nonsense desperately trying to convince everyone (himself?) that this "vision" is worth making, again. He's too stupid to realize that it was the effects that saved the original creatively-bankrupt broken-backed script from being laughed out of the theater. Now he thinks it's all because of his brilliant "story", so he digs in deep to find...nothing. He needs to do six more movies worth of this fantasy shit? Dungeons 'N Dragons dialogue, computer effects, and "Wars" with no violence ("let's only use these swords on doors and robots okay, and remember Greedo shot first"). There is no "story" left to stretch, nothing left to say, because there was never anything there. And, violence aside, why can't we count on any action or excitement or fun? Because now it's so serious it has become a children's new-age bible study. Actually George did lean away from that mystical stuff a little bit. He decided that "the force" wasn't all that mysterious anymore. It's actually a kind of biological infection by a telepathic lifeform. What does that remind you of? Try "Star Trek." Lucas spent all these years on his ranch soaking in another pile of shit; all those pseudo-scientific explanations that "Star Trek" substitutes for story every show. Now that non-writing has infected his nonsense. Not just bad to worse, worse to worst.

Oh yeah, how about the goddamn movie? Just saw it. Even the fans can't bullshit around these questions: Little Darth Vader built C-3PO as a servant for his mom right? well, C-3PO said his first job was "programming binary load-lifters" in the original, whatever the fuck that is. All I know is that he said nothing about Vader's mom. And why would the robots be lost on Tatooine when they crash landed there in the first film? Why would they have never seen a Jawa? According to this new movie, one was built there and that's where they both met. Of course they'll write themselves out of this hole with lost memory crap or something (I guess that's easier than actually writing a story) but why the fuck should they have to? Why not just flush it and start over? Some more questions; why does the bad guy have a two-sided lightsaber? New technology in the past? Like that gutless robot army? But who cares, besides one bloodless dramatic stab, he doesn't use the fucking thing, and this bad guy is barely in the flick. When you do see him, it’s on that stupid fuzzy space TV (again, something that was interesting in the 70s, now it’s as high-tech and handy as a tin-can telephone) every time the plot needs to be explained. Why do they keep squinting into the distance and talking to wavy little blue versions of each other and at least use the force to clean up the image? Another question; Obi-Wan and Darkman only free the boy slave (Anakin Skywalker) and not his mother? Because they're not there to interfere with the planet's slave policy (hints of Star Trek prime-directive)? No, it's because there's nothing else for her to do in the "story.” Lucas even made the kid a Jesus-like immaculate conception to cut down on the writing (he must have realized how stupid that sounded late in the game cause he then went on to try to say that the kid was actually the product of those "force-channeling energy beings" or whatever). And you know what? The fans have to admit this, at least, he imitates all the climaxes in his other movies. There's nothing else he can come up with except the same lines, same apprentice/master horseshit, same space battle? What's he doing? Watching the first three movies over and over, convincing himself they're brilliant (maybe not, considering the pathetic way he's been fucking with those effects in his new editions)? And what about the bad guy? Couldn't bother explaining who the "Sith" was? Too much writing you lazy bastard? It's easier to use those same phrases over and over again. Just because he babbles on and on with "blah blah Federation blah blah taxation blah blah Senate" that's a script? That's nonwriting, verbal masturbation, he's imitating Star Trek, the first Star Wars, a slow night on the evening news, and just about every sci-fi fantasy book that's been published since I was in elementary school. There's a reason those books come out as fast as those romance novels. Medieval fantasy speak (chosen ones, prophecies, moronic children's philosophy) and dull political mumbling (galactic congress, ambassadors, trade blockades, you know, like CNN, but in space!) is so much easier than writing. Combine it all and it's still...nothing. You know what though? Fuck this, I'm not going to go through it and tear it down piece by piece. I don't take the time to do that with any other children's film (how does that fucking spider in Charlotte's web even know how to write and remember that nonsense where Strawberry Shortcake....see what I mean? What’s the point?). But look at all the time I've already wasted. More time than anyone spent writing for any of these films. You're just supposed to shrug and forget it. Sling that hash about "you're not supposed to think about it", it's supposed to be "fun." One of them might have been "fun.” Nine? Not a chance. It's the ass-sucking fans that worship this shit, knowing it's shit, ensuring they'll always get more shit, that bring on these kinds of reactions. Hey you fuckin' knobs, the movie sucks! Grow the fuck up and you might force someone to make some good movies with that gargantuan ejaculation of money.

p.s. The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre sucks too. the spooky little devil children interludes are about as scary as the latest Chucky movie. everybody getting all serious about not criticizing it because it’s “true?” hmm, i don’t remember any computer-morphing demon kids in the Bible. dumb shits. i love zealots. choosing their battles so poorly that, if there was a real God, he would shit on all of them for being so fucking stupid.

::: david - 5:01 PM [+] :::
...

“Four more beers...four more beers...”
- Green Party Convention



ah yes, President Bush is walking out on stage at the Convention and i am pressing my dick against the TV set so he can SUCK IT. i’m completely serious. i have a witness here with a camera who can attest to the fact that yes, my dick is pushed up against the glass so that it appears as if our President is sucking on it. i would shit on my TV so he could suck on that. if only i’d eaten enough meat today. maybe in time for the debates!

look at these clowns. how many times are they going to say “nine-eleven” tonight. they love that shit. they love bringing that shit up as if they are instant heroes for being lucky enough to be in office when something blew up. isn’t that a crime? isn’t that like running up to a dead body on the street and taking a picture with it? then taking the shoes off the corpse?

and look at these signs. you know, it was always bothering me, the fact that all these signs are made BY the Convention to be held up by the crowd. i was thinking, "what ever happened to holding up a sign of what you want to say?" instead of this vague "Freedom" and "Four More Years" crap they're waving. but now i see this "Safer World" sign and i think, wow what a miracle that those words were just in his speech too! what a coincidence! doesn't this seem incredibly contrived and false to anyone else? but the worst has to be the "We Salute Our Troops!" sign because it uses "we" even though it's on the same shiny blue and red plastic factory materials so "we" didn't make shit. you know that idiot right there (another young minority on camera! wow, that's what Republicans look like???) didn't make it in his garage. see what i'm saying? the only hand-made signs, the only ones made by people who had the passion to participate in the election by using their own hands to make large words to hold up, are being dragged out like drunks at closing time.

how about that Democrat last night? that Zell guy? he had the best speech cause he's some angry Sunday morning newspaper rattling old dude and that comes across as more sincere than these limp pussies (wait, think i mixed my metaphors there) but it's too bad that all the things he was calling out Kerry on (voting against military shit, always summed up by Republicans saying "he voted AGAINST metal helmets so that they had to wear nerf!" as if the bills were that specific) were the same things that creepy robot draft-dodger Dick Cheney voted against.

speaking of "dick" i got to get back to this speech.

oh, one more thing. i keep hearing these fucks say “how can you support the troops and not support the war?” then they chant "flip-flop" like mongoloids and smirk like 9 year-olds with a load of shit in their shorts. as if someone who thinks the Iraqi war is ridiculous is saying, “i sure hope the son of that guy down the street gets his arms blown off! it'll serve him right for trying to pay for school with the GI Bill!” see, not only do i have two close relatives serving overseas and OF COURSE i want them to LIVE through this bullshit, i personally know a Sergeant who, along with the majority of his men, HATES the war they’re serving in and can’t get back home quick enough. would the Republican fucks say to them, “it’s impossible for you to not support the war, unless you wish that you’d die there?!?” at first i thought they were just saying stupid shit for the stupid people to swallow but now i really do think it's all just a big swirling stew of slack-jawed morons.

hello! back to the TV quick, now Bush is going to tea-bag my fucking balls 'cause it’s warm in here and they’re hanging nice and low.

::: david - 10:23 PM [+] :::
...

“The only baby killer I knew was John F. Kerry...”
- Swift Boat halfwit

“I once saw John Kerry wearing socks made out of Dalmatian puppies...”
- Unnamed White House source



i guess i got no choice but to choose a side. when you can't find something you like, just go against something you hate. and i have to go with whoever is the least stupid and BAM! we got a winner. go JFK 2, the sequel! because, even though that Don Henley song said “we get the government we deserve” i don’t want it.

anyone else notice the Iran talk creeping up lately? just dropping some crumbs in the paper now, little “human rights violation” here, little “harboring terrorism” talk there. then, if douchbag gets re-elected, him and his boys will go in to “liberate” another oil-rich country and they can say “hey! we’ve been talking about the problems with Iran for years!” this shit is so obvious i can’t stand it. and how can they think that Iran will be the push-over that Iraq was? it’ll be kind of funny actually, the President declares “Mission accomplished!” with a war in Iran and BOOM! a Superbowl blows up. don’t those crazy bastards have nukes over there? here’s what a typical news day will sound like in 3 years:

“We now take you to the beautiful California coast and
(BOOM!)
uhhhh, we now take you to the beautiful Arizona coast and...”

or

“Today the President is at the World Series and will be throwing out the first pitch
(BOOM!)
last pitch of the game...”

or

“We now declare the 2008 Summer Olympics
(BOOM!)
I mean, Winter Olympics open!
(BOOM!)
I mean, closed..."

“And we thought the Greek closing ceremony was bizarre with that crazy watermelon truck, what are they doing out there right now, Bob?”
“I believe those are snow angles they are making on the ground.”
“But that’s not snow, Bob, that’s ash...”

anyway, how about those “Unfit For Command” faggots. claiming on one page that John Kerry was the biggest coward they ever saw, then 5 pages later claiming that he was some crazed Rambo type, killing babies and “kids in loin-cloths.” i love the language they use. first they say that Kerry’s wound was “rice-inflicted" and he was "shot in the ass,” miraculously coming up with a description that both invokes the ass (meaning cowardice) and rice (meaning they’re racists) and now we got this moron saying he saw Kerry shoot a kid in a “loin-cloth?” were they in fucking Vietnam or "The Lion King?" the guy is so fucking stupid that his mind was scrambling to come up with an image of a scared native so he comes up with some Jungle Book character swinging through the trees. and these people just eat that shit up. repeating the same things (rice in the ass....flip-flop...self-inflicted....French ancestors....) i love this “flip-flop” shit they keep repeating like fucking retards. here’s a typical statement that’s supposed to blow the lid off Kerry’s hypocrisy:

“he voted FOR the war, right before he voted AGAINST it!”

cue the laughter at the Republican convention. so, let me get this straight: the best they can do is reveal that he, at one time, BELIEVED WHAT BUSH SAID ABOUT IRAQ?!? so, they are saying that he SHOULD HAVE NEVER BELIEVED BUSH. yeah, you nailed him. what a bunch of fuckwits. and "flip flop" is an easy to remember sing-song kind of quote, tailor made for short-attention span idiots. just like the OJ trial where they repeated "if it don't fit, you must aquit!" so many times that the morons remembered it and sure enough...not guilty!

and how about those code words from the moderate stage this week? i actually heard (from someone else who heard) the words “family values” muttered by a twenty-something Republican. first off, you’re not allowed to be a twenty-something Republican because all you’re doing is parroting your fucking dad but that besides the point. she asked him “what do you believe in?” and he says “family values” what? are you fucking kidding me??? does that mean he doesn’t have the balls to say “i hate fags?” sounds like it. just like "welfare reform" are code-words that roughly translate as “i hate niggers.” gutless, every one of ‘em. and all these young Republicans think by aligning themselves with that side, it appears as if they’re either rich or powerful or on the fast-track to both. too bad i hear them saying the equivalent of “i want to be an astronaut!” when i hear that bullshit.

hey, does anyone know if there’s any truth to this bill i’m hearing about, where they want to require all 18-25 year-olds to put in 2 years of military service? if it is true, this is typical from those draft-dodging, National Guard hawks to force others to do their “duty.” you know, whenever i hear or see that word, i want to follow it with “to please that booty.”

look at this convention. hmmm, judging by this parade of earnest wide-eyed idiots, Republicans must be black, Mexican and female. and this band, trying to rock out and get the kid's vote? dude, who do they think they're fooling. Republicans? they DON'T look like that. but they make sure that prime time is ALL speeches by minorities. i am not joking. not a single soft white boy to be found.

see, all Bush supporters look exactly the same to me. i see a “W” sticker on a car and i get a closer look and i see gray-haired doughy white-faced soft chinless bitchboy. oh how i’d love to talk politics with them, then after i've verbally spanked then, sink my fist into that squishy mug and watch them fill their khakis with piss. this is known as “taking a detour on the high road, then coming back down to the low road” you know what these Republicans look like to me? they look like the British villains in movies like "Rob Roy" and "Braveheart" with the big gray wig and the powdered faces. isn’t that what the first Americans were trying to get away from? Foppish blowhards who talk a good game about kicking ass in wars but can’t physically wrestle their lunch money away from me? oh you fat fucking bastards how i would love to kill you all for being so self-righteous and ignorant.

how come people are so fucking stupid? seriously. how is it possible? how come they are not running around with piles of shit in their hands saying “look what i almost stepped in!”

::: david - 7:23 PM [+] :::
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