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Thursday, February 26, 2004

“Don’t press the button. The red, candy-like button!”
- Ren & Stimpy

“You don’t need to read a book to have an opinion on it. I prefer good literary criticism. When I’m reading the book, I can’t forget that none of it ever happened.”- Metropolitan

“No plot, no story, just violence and murder. It’s brilliant.”
- Passion of The Christ (wait, my fault. actually that was from “Videodrome”)



sorry for the lack of writing. just haven’t been able to get online except at the library and sitting at the library is being outside in the world and that’s just too full of distractions for me to get anything done. yes, the world is conducive to writing, but not when i’m in it.

okay, i usually avoid religious subjects like the fucking plague. also politics, racism and sexism because i’ve yet to hear or say anything new on the subject and i’d rather read or talk about this bizarre pain in my middle finger or the evils of Photomosaics or the pleasing sounds of the trains outside my window. check it out, to get it out of the way, this will be my racial discussion for the year:

the spellcheck on most computers wants to turn the word “nigger” into “niggler.” watch:

niggler.

see that? that’s not what i just typed. not only is that hilarious, it’s also kind of disturbing. i mean, where did the word “niggler” come from anyway? i think there’s a reason we don’t hear that in every day conversation.

and hey, let me push some more buttons while i at it:

girls talk too much about dudes. i know, i know, you’re going to say “guys talk more about girls” and "straight men talk about sex just as much as gay men" etc. etc. but listen to a female stand-up comedian and notice that there is NO other subject. just gets on my nerves. and you know what? they also suck on those ESPN billiards tournaments. seriously, at that level someone should come over and break the cue over their knee for accidentally putting in the 8-ball. and i’ve seen it happen like 5 times. (the good thing about this kind of baiting is that it insures some comments. oops, did i say that out loud)

anyway, speaking of taking the bait! i received an email from someone who asked me not to talk about the new movie “The Passion of the Christ.” the subject is close to her and i think she was afraid i’d mock her beliefs and turn her off from reading my site or something. but i think she will agree that i CAN comment on this film because of the following three reasons:

1.) you told me not to.
if you knew me just a little (fingers about an inch apart) back in the day then you should have known that it would be impossible for me not to say something about a subject when the only thing i hear is you telling me NOT to say something about it. have we met? you should have asked me to talk about it instead. see how predictable i am? if anything, i’m thinking you wanted me to talk about it. and i hadn’t really thought about that movie until i got your email and now i have lots to say even though....

2.) i haven’t seen it!
yes, you might think that seeing a movie is a requirement for talking about it but you’re wrong! i form 57% of my opinions with little or no facts or experience to back them up. hell, if anything, experience in some matters screws up my thinking and destroys all logic and you know what...

3.) it’s a MOVIE.
this is the reason that my comments shouldn’t threaten your beliefs in any way. i’m guessing that you saw this movie and was moved by it. and you somehow want to hold on to that high that you felt when you walked out of there and don’t want me messing with that. well, i’ve come out of several movies with that kind of a high and i wanted to hold onto it forever, but i had to recognize that those movies didn’t just belong to me, and that there were actors and fake blood involved and fair game and not exempt from other people’s opinions. here's 3 quick examples because i like the number 3:

Amores Perros
no, that title doesn’t mean “Love Is A Bitch” like the American distributors want you to think. “Dog Love” is the closest translation you’ll get. i found so much to like in that movie that i resisted negative comments from my friend J who said, “dude, the balloon with “love” on it? slowly sinking down throughout the story? c’mon. little obvious dude. love balloon coming down? i understood the point the first 10 times they showed that shit. seriously, i got the memo, dude...” okay, maybe he was right, maybe that moment was learned in Symbolism 101 but i ate that shit up and finally, from a distance, i was able to dissect that movie and realize what was so effective and why.

Robocop
when i was a boy i was so pumped after coming out of that movie that i actually interviewed people on their way to their cars with a tiny tape recorder i used to carry around. i had never seen anything so violent and funny and wanted other people’s opinions. my friends were annoyed and kept shoving me towards the car. however, i think that those strangers agreed with me, even though they were rolling up their windows and locking their doors. you know, back in high school i used to park by this pond and talk into that tape recorder for hours. and if someone who knew me back then ever listened to those tapes they will find they probably fell into one of two categories: people i wanted to kill and people i wanted to fuck. good thing i never got those lists reversed! wait! i just remembered something else i used to do. i used to write down license plate numbers on my visor of all the cars that cut me off or glared at me or had a smug bumper sticker or dumped their ashtray out at the red light or listened to crap music too loud and sang the wrong words or whatever. i have no idea what i was going to do with all those numbers but it was comforting for some reason.

Pulp Fiction
i actually i went INTO this movie with that kind of a high. saw it high as a fucking kite actually, thanks to J up there, stanking of weed resin all over my fingers and key chain from packing a bowl with my car keys. when we got out of the car to walk in i think that people in the parking lot though a reggae band had just arrived. doors opened and POOF big-ass cloud of smoke. looked like the steaming Back To The Future car when the doors opened after that first test run with the dog. but yeah, lots of people wanted to criticize Tarantino that year, because of how huge he got so fast, but i wouldn’t allow any dissenting opinion. now i realize my mistake and i criticize him more than anyone, but i still love him no matter how much he steals. my complaining is what’s referred to as the “tough love.”

Blair Witch Project
me and the girl i was dating at the time exited the theater in silence, noticing the rest of the audience was also quiet and moving slow, as if we had all shared something unspoken. we walked through the parking lot without a word. inside the car, she finally turns to me and whispers: "wow......that sucked!" then we spend the rest of the drive home imitating the hysteria of the cast. "were we supposed to turn back there?" "hmm, i don't know." "HOLY FUCK WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!"

anyway, point is this: never mind what i believe and don’t believe, and, more importantly, never mind what you believe. this movie doesn’t get a pass just because it’s about a religious subject. haven’t seen it but i know what’s in it. i’ve seen the much-publicized Mel Gibson hand hammering in the nail and that’s a perfect example of why it demands criticism. the argument that this movie is somehow “truth” and therefore untouchable doesn’t stand for that moment alone. it's kind of the same thing i was saying was back when i first moved here and got bored and decided to watch every holocaust movie there was. true story. those movies don't get a pass either. and you know what? he doesn’t show the nail go into thevwrist, like we know the Romans used to do it, because he’s going for the iconic image of the nail in the palm. that’s for effect. truth be damned. just like all the blood being used for maximum impact. i would argue that the blood in a horror movie is also used for maximum impact and should get the same respect. same reason that it’s being released on Cash Wednesday, um, i mean Ash Wednesday. for maximum impact and money. mostly money. that’s why they picked that day (you know i had to see three people with ash on their heads today before i remembered what that was about. i thought they were all wandering into the bookstore from a bus crash. wouldn’t that have been fucking great?) also, if concentrating on the last twelve hours of Jesus’ life, simply to show the blood and suffering, isn’t the definition of gratuitous violence, then i don’t know what is. never mind the failures of story-telling that have to be going on here too. i’ll bet you money that no attempt is made to introduce these characters to invest it with any emotion or arc. i’ll bet that the audience is expected to provide ALL background and emotion to what they are seeing because it is a story that’s so familiar. this is a failure of filmmaking on the most basic level. unacceptable. because this IS still just a movie we’re talking about. if it was about anything else, if it was, say, a mob movie, where some informant was put in a chair and tortured for 2 hours, no one would stand for it and they’d be screaming for an NC-17. but this gets a pass because of what people are expected to bring with them to the show? since when? two words:

unacceptable.

we are still talking about a fucking movie. and this isn’t being treated like a movie and that’s my point. think about this final thought, this might now make as much sense out loud as it is making in my head but i think it gets to the heart of what i’m trying to say:

the only way that this movie would be allowed to have the kind of respect and awe it seems to be demanding right out of the gate would be if someone was actually killed on the screen.

p.s. i was talking to someone about a play their church put on that showed the crucifixion and they said that the guy playing Jesus on the stage had these blood packs in his hands and squeezed them so it squirted out onto the audience. she said that the only complaint was that “it might have been a little too intense for children.” i would have more to say than that. i would say that a blood-soaked performance of Titus Andronicus would be infinitely more honest about what it was trying to do.

whoa. speaking of spellcheck. i just realized that i spelled “crucifixion” wrong. get this: i typed “crucifiction” instead. what do you think that meant? subconscious creeping out my brain there or what?

holy shit! the spellcheck just told me that i spelled “subconscious” wrong too! you know how i spelled it before it got corrected? P-U-S-S-Y. wonder what that’s all about.

and i wonder why i said “holy shit” up there instead of just “shit.” i think the reasons are bigger than all of us.

on a lighter note. it seemed impossible but My Bloody Valentine “Loveless” is everything i’d hoped. exactly what i wanted to hear right now. it’s a miracle but it actually lives up to all the hype. what a satisfying wall of noise this is. Catherine Wheel, Smashing Pumpkins, they should be sending checks to these guys for giving them the idea. actually, Catherine Wheel could use to money more since i think i'm the only one to buy their last two records. poor underrated bastards. anyone want to talk to the lead singer? he’s right here installing my cable. he’s even wearing a Catherine Wheel T-shirt. how sad is THAT shit? shhh, here he comes.

::: david - 4:10 PM [+] :::
...

“Barry. This is dead air. Dead. Air.”
- Talk Radio

“Those are somebody’s hands??? What are you touching them for???”
- State of Grace

“Sorry. Laundry day.”
- Die Hard With A Vengeance


damn. haven’t been on here in a while. got to fire off some thoughts or else everyone will tune out. hmm. let’s see. if all else fails i go to the well up there under the title. okay, how about some books, music and movies.

books........dug out Shakespeare’s Titus Androgynous just to read what Aaron says before he gets hung. that’s my favorite villain speech of all time. they ask if he has any regrets and he’s all: “yeah, i regret i couldn’t fuck up more shit yo!” then he goes on to list the things he used to do for fun. i let anyone who’s bored, and has some Shakespeare lying around, dig it up for themselves. OR you could watch the movie version “Titus” they do that speech word for word.

movies.......got some library cards so i can do the free movie thing. been getting some real crap cause it’s free! nothing really to speak of. unless you want a breakdown of “Chicken Run” or “Nothing To Lose.” was surprised that they killed that first chicken though. was that necessary? little harsh for a kids flick.

music.........picked up a couple cds lately, and finally listened to some for the first time, even though i’ve had them cracked open for months. like Outkast Speakerboxxx/Love Below or whatever. good stuff i guess. none of the songs are as good as “Gasoline” off Stankonia though. steve was right about the skits. that shit is annoying as hell. easily graft together a great single cd with the material on here. oh well. did enjoy the ad for the Pit Bulls inside the liner notes. oh, i finally picked up a Fugazi because my old college buddy Jim suggested it and i don’t think i got the one he said though. i got “The Argument” because it had a sweet cover and that’s how i judge ‘em! i have no idea what these guys will sound like but since me and Jim were probably the only ones to drive around for hours listening to the Infectious Grooves, i’ve got high hopes.

Oh yeah, after months and months of top ten lists and massive press and exposure, you know what it finally takes for me to listen to the White Stripes? all it takes is a bloody picture of a beating that Jack White apparently rained down on some other musician. that’s right. you can call them the “saviors of rock” and claim “Seven Nation Army” has the “best hook of the year” and put them on fifty magazine covers and i’ll hear none of it and just swat at my ear like there was a mosquito. however. when i see a cartoon re-enactment of a bar fight (think it was in this months “Blender”) suddenly POW i’m a new fan. eyewitness described Jack White’s signature move, a move which proves without a doubt that he’s from the Midwest:

“when (whatever the dude’s name was) didn’t respond to his threats, White spit in his face. then, when he turned to walk away, White punched him in the side of the face. his right hand was like a jackhammer. he had to be pulled off. i think he hit him fifteen times at least...”

aaaaaaaawwwwwwww yeah. the classic suckerpunch. the only thing better than “the side of the face” is “the back of the face” aka “the back of the head!” right where that little knob of bone is. right where you’re multiplication tables are stored. and when you mix the suckerpunch with the rapid-fire right hand? you gots a lethal combination that can quickly end any chance of you getting hurt. it saved my ass all through college, just ask Jim up there. the only thing that would have made the incident a perfect example is if White would have ran out the door afterwards. here’s to ya, Jack. now i’m finally glad that you have a song about Toledo. listening to it right now.

wait a minute! hold the fucking phone. here’s a book i just saw today that i almost forgot about. anyone see this shit?

it’s my nemesis. that Photomosaic fuck again. except this time something even more disturbing is going on. you’ll notice that he makes an American flag out of the faces of the 911 victims. except this time, the cheat is not the shading of different photos to create the larger image. no, there’s something even worse. this time he repeats victims faces in order to fill up the flag. think about that for a second. without a closer look you can’t really tell, you just know it’s a flag made from pictures of the dead. but up close you’ll see that he used the same faces over and over to fill the page. see what he’s done here? by doing this, he is tricking you into thinking that there’s more victims than there are. just like those people that were actually disappointed when the body count dropped by a couple thousand on the news. they know who the fuck they are too. they don’t say it out loud, but they WANT to have been around for something horrible and they WANT those numbers to be as high as possible. i got their fucking number. i can see it in their eyes every time they talk about it. anyway, this photomosaic could have been done with larger pictures of the dead to fill up the flag (he could have used his shading cheat if he had to) but that wouldn’t be good enough. you know why? because they want more faces, they wish there were more faces, they want more of an impact with as many tiny little faces as possible. you might think this is a minor point, but think about this for a second. what if someone decided that the Vietnam wall would be more impressive if it was taller, so they decided to repeat some names? see what i’m saying? how come nobody blows the whistle on this shit? i’m on it though. i’m making my own Photomosaic to send to them. it’s thousands of pictures of my balls, which at a distance, take the shape of my balls.

every time i see one of those things i lose my mind. puts me in a shitty mood so now i got to share something nasty:

you know what i just realized? it’s laundry day. right now my bed is like a crime scene. blood, sweat, semen and wait a minute. it’s even got the white outline of a body! all i need is the yellow tape across the doorway!

p.s. Chuck's story "Guts" (from the reading that made such an impact on my navigator that evening) has finally been published. it's in this month's Playboy. crap artwork though. read it. you'll smile or gag guaranteed. that issue also has the best sentence to ever come out of Jim Carrey's mouth. "the answer is not in Miss March's pussy." made me stop and think for zero point two seconds.

happy Valentine’s Day fuckers. here’s the best three things i ever got.

::: david - 8:57 PM [+] :::
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