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Thursday, June 26, 2003

"blahblahfuckingblah..."
-Nick Nolte as The ElectroNolteRubbleStorm, arguably the worst
supervillian of all time, babbling for an hour towards the end of The Hulk.


you know what's more irritating than the new Hulk, aka Sulk, movie? this blog thing. "big post error?" it just called me a "big post error." what the fuck? the crap i just typed was only like 4 paragraphs long. i sure don't feel like typing it again. and it was brilliant. it was the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. no one will ever get to read it. first it won't post my list of "Cars From My Youth" without chopping it up into easily digestible pieces, then this. hey, you know what was worse than Hulk? Attack of the Clones. it was just on. i fucking hate Star Wars. one question (just one or i'll be here all night getting "big post errors"):

why does the young Darth Vader built a robot for himself that is clearly gay? what possible reason would little Skywalker have for constructing a mincing homosexual servant droid like C-3PO? huh? think about it. notice that it's one of the few robots in the Star Wars series that is humanoid in design. put these clues together and you got little Skywalker bent over in a sand-igloo with a gold dick up his ass. i'm telling you, this explains a lot. that's why the kid in this Clones movie has that uncomfortable pinched look on his face. i'll bet he wishes he'd just built model airplanes like the rest of us. i mean, how would you end up if you spent your childhood getting buggered by a sand-speckled brass cock?

so did Blogger save my shit that just got deleted? dude. stuff like this makes me want to SMASH! Hulk sulk instead. Hulk reflect. Hulk just tiny grain of sand on beach of life. Hulk see ant smaller than Hulk. SMASH!

::: david - 7:16 PM [+] :::
...

"Caution, machines in this area are without drivers."
-actual sign posted at the gate
of a train yard in Walbridge, Ohio


. . . then my '93 Sunbird. it had a V-6 in it and therefore more ass than you’d expect. it also had a sunroof that whistled loudly when it was closed. it was like that story Harrison Bergeron by Kurt Vonnegut where, every time you start to have an intelligent thought BANG! there’s this loud noise in your head to distract you. i could never make that whistling stop so i couldn’t really enjoy my drive time in that car, and that’s essential, so i had to sell it.

which bring me to my little green '99 Cavalier. modest small little thing. no strange noises. no strange smells. no hood ornaments to taunt me. it seems to enjoy my long drives though. at least i hope so because it’s going to cross several states very soon.

what was the point of all this flashing back? oh yeah. i was thinking about my friend Dan and his big yellow whale of a car. we’d drive around so long in that thing that they had to invent a law to stop us. the cops claimed there was a “cruising” law in our town and they’d actually count how many laps we’d do. hours and hours and hours and hours. listening to Ted Nugent and Queen and Asia (!) tapes, not talking about much. just driving until someone would make us stop.

these flashbacks don’t even do these vehicles justice. it’s like summing up ex-girlfriends with their top three arguments. For every wreck and injury and strange smell, there were good times too. in the cars i mean.

::: david - 6:52 PM [+] :::
...

"Show me."
-Christine (the movie, i don't remember if he said it in the book)

. . . then came the Rhino-Wagon. now THIS was my ride. big red '78 Mercury Monarch. fucking beastie. this car i did everything in. fucked, fought, logged the most miles, jumped railroad tracks. i took a baseball bat to it one night because the hood ornament was “staring at me too much” i finally blew the engine when some guy cut me off and i stabbed the gas to catch up and BOOM. rods right through the block. big smoking hole, even blew the hood up. actually sold the husk to some junkyard and they fixed it because i was riding with a friend and i look over and i see a red Mercury Monarch with a little sliver of broken hood ornament staring at me. i jumped out and ran over saying “hey, that was my car!” and the guy rolled up his window and nodded, “okay dude. that’s great.” i was all happy after i saw it and no one could figure out why, not even me. until now.

next was the '85 Mustang. it had T-Tops and i actually tried to take one out on the highway doing 70 and FLIP the wind jerked it out of my hand and it burst into snowy little glass cubes on the road behind me. one of the stupidest things i’ve ever done. i ended up with plastic bags and boxes and black tape for a roof until i finally found another T-top at the junk yard. i have vivid memories of driving around in the rain with the garbage bag full of water stretching down to cover my head. i’d have to pop the bag with a pen to drain the water, then put on another bag. funny shit. i got a good picture of it hanging down on my head like giant black testicle. i’ll find a way to post that picture someday. eventually i blew the engine. i started to realize that oil changes were important.

then came my '88 Ford Ranger pick-up. i abused that thing like the Monarch. it was a stick shift and kind of fast for it’s size. this was the first vehicle that i installed a stereo in, even though there was no where to put the speakers. they just got jammed behind the seats (well “seat” since it was just that one long bench thing. i liked that bench, it reminded me of home for 4 years of little league baseball). that truck had a leak in the fuel line and everyone kept saying they smelled gas when there were in it. i thought it smelled good and decided to take it on a road trip to Columbus for my friend Gary’s wedding. BOOM. something horrible happened on the way that resulted in another smoking hole where the engine used to be.

then my pimp mobile. an '84 Buick Regal. tinted windows, chrome. that thing was a tank. lots of metal and a bizarre smell that no one could pinpoint. i put the stereo from the Ranger into that thing and took many roadtrips to see my girlfriend in Bellevue. then i did an illegal U-Turn and smashed into a kid driving a Cirrocco and suddenly my pimp mobile was a another car to be abused instead of waxed. you know the kid in the Cirrocco? that accident actually happened in front of his parents who were walking down the street in Bowling Green. these two people came running up to to see if he was okay and, just thinking they were passers-by i was thinking hey, what about me? how come strangers run to this kid to see if he’s hurt like i’m not even in this wreck too??? what the fuck? then they called the cops and i got cited. i didn’t get towed though since i convinced the cop that my car was driveable. as soon as i turned the corner the wind whipped the hood up into the windshield. i had to drive home at like 5mph so it would stay down. . .

(concluded above)

::: david - 3:16 PM [+] :::
...

“No point in going back to the car, he told himself.”
-J.G. Ballard, Concrete Island.


talking to an old friend on that crazy electronic mail and it reminded me of driving around. all through high school that’s all i did. drive around. i’m talking hours and hours and hours and hours. my friend Dan had this huge yellow car (what the fuck car WAS that??) that we lived in. here’s my cars:

first i shared an '81 Buick Skylark with my brother. it had no exhaust so it sounded like the end of the world and it was full of fumes and old Taco Bell wrappers (my brother lived on that shit). it also had this Frankenstein equalizer that hung down and bounced around your knees when you drove. it was mostly his car but sometimes i got to use it. and when i did.....i drove around our small town, and the two small town right next to ours. the only action-packed thing that ever happened was once i bet my friend steve that i could drink 6 shot of something in a certain amount of time and he gave me these big double shots, and, for some reason, i ate a green apple (there were on the table at the party) between each one. then i decided to drive this one girl home (jenny something). when the trip is over a.) the girl is crying, b.) there are corn husks jammed in the grill and under the wheel wells and sticking in and around the doors and c.) my pants are covered in mud up to my knees. apparently (this is all explained to me later) i had to piss and i saw a barn in the distance. i pointed towards it and DOINK poked this girl in the eye accidentally. she’s all mad and bleary eyed while i tear through this corn field to get to that barn. i jump out, sink in the mud, urinate, then tear another trail back to the road. the next day was thanksgiving and there were many question from my mom. she didn’t tell my dad though (and was able to punish my friend steve for his part-a story for another time) and at thanksgiving dinner, my uncle was like “davey! why you just eating celery!”

next was a little '85 Pontiac Fiero. my friend Dan would make fun of me for washing and waxing that little matchbox car every day. he said i was the poor man’s Magnum PI. little red car with speakers in the seats. it was fast (since it weighed about as much as a roller skate) but it was apparently made out of Legos. i smashed it into a telephone pole as i raced to pick up my girlfriend for school. it looked like a hamburger after someone punched it. the sunroof ended up like 50 yard down the road. the best part was all the buses passed by it on the way to school and word go around about the smashed car and people thought i was dead. i had a couple stitches in my hand from glass but i milked that shit like i’d crawled from a fiery wreck in a thunderstorm. the girlfriend was all crying at my locker when i got to school (i obviously could have stayed home a while but i just HAD to get there that same day to bask in the attention) and i faked a groan when she grabbed my bandaged hand. you’d have thought they just reattached it at the wrist. . .

(continued above)

::: david - 3:11 PM [+] :::
...

“What would Joe do? He’d shoot everyone and then smoke some cigarettes...”
-The Last Boy Scout


what up? unemployeeeed again. feels good. getting some writing done and my sleep schedule instantly flips back to what it should be. dreaming by 5ish, up by crack of 1. if this happens naturally without alarm clocks then this must be how the human body wants it. it’s not like i’m trying to stay awake all night, it’s not like i’m trying to sleep in. it’s still around seven hours of sleep, the sleep just wants to be during those hours. there must be thousands of years of evolution behind this and i can’t monkey around with evolution. just look what happened to the dude in Altered States when he fucked around with his sleep schedule. freaky amoebae-man stumbling and bashing his fists down the hallway. that’s a cautionary tale. don’t ever force yourself to go to bed early. or stay up late. or use a sensory-deprivation chamber. or make your friends watch Altered States. all of the above are very dangerous.

so i quit my job since i’m moving out of town and they moved up my last day so i wouldn’t be there one extra morning by myself. think i told too many people that i was going to take a shit in the bubblegum machine? could be. the key to that machine wasn’t where i remembered seeing it, and i ended up having to turn all my keys in earlier. and i think i probably bragged to about 3 people too many that i was going to do something nasty. i told myself that by telling enough people that i was going to drop a log in the bubblegum machine, i would have to do it or else it would mean i’m all talk no action. or maybe i was i just trying to sabotage my own plan to stop myself from actually doing that. well, at least i made the sign: “hey kids! the winning gumball color today is brown!!! depending on what i ate!!!”

truth is, i just talked about it so i could get some good fiction out of the conversations. mission accomplished. i'll post the story it inspired tommorrow or saturday.

and no more video store jobs. it starts to make me impatient with movies from dealing with movies all day. and without movies, i have to fall back on my shitty taste in music. and Billy Squier can’t carry me over the rough spots. sniff. actually, speaking of music, anyone get the new Marilyn Manson? i thought it was great until a friend played me her copy of Faith No More Angel Dust and it turns out that the creepy cheerleader chorus (chanting “be! obscene! be! be! obscene!”) i loved so much from the the second (or 3rd?) song was a rip from that Faith No More album. oh well. i guess my favorite song with a creepy girl chorus will have to remain Nick Cave’s "Hallelujah" from No More Shall We Part. i can’t get enough of the girls carrying the buckets of tears and singing: “twenty pretty girls to carry them down, twenty deep holes to bury them in.” fucking haunting as hell and utterly beautiful.

hey, for anyone who wondered how many cigarettes Bruce Willis actually smokes in “The Last Boy Scout” the answer is eleven. and for anyone who wondered how many people he kills in that movie...the answer is about twenty. there’s some debate about how many goons were in a couple of the cars he runs off the cliff, and of course there is the question of the bomb that looks like it takes out three city blocks (and causes the entire cast to crack up laughing) but those numbers are pretty close. special thanks to Blue “tothemotherfuckinclues” Derkin for thinking to whip out the pencil and paper and giving that movie the respect and attention it deserves but seldom gets. “Surfs up, pal!”

trivia note. the guy who wrote that movie, Shane Black, is also the guy who throws Jack Nicholson out of the diner in As Good As It Gets. weird. anyone ever notice the similarities between As Good As It Gets and The Accidental Tourist? Both have neurotic writers who waste their skills writing airport/toilet lit, both have quirky/earthy females with very sickly children who teach the neurotic writer how to live and love again. both have a small dog that is essential to getting the neurotic writer out into the world with his cute fucking antics. both have the kids from the Scream movies as a gay hustlers who beat the shit out of the writer’s neighbor. wait, that’s just the one movie. but you see my point though don’t ya? why weren’t they in court over that shit??? maybe it’s because this argument could be made with ANY two movies. let’s try it. uhhh, i’ll see what’s on TV.......okay. "Wet Hot American Summer" (sweeeet!) and "Thunderheart." hmm. wait, it's true! both have the line, “i need to go hump the fridge.” except in "Thunderheart" a Sioux Indian says it and sometimes they don’t translate every word across the bottom. and he said “cactus” instead of “fridge.”

fuck the Hulk. yep, he looks like fucking Shrek. maybe even a little more fake than Shrek. when does the CGI backlash finally happen? for fuckssake, somebody tell these kids that, just because you recognize it as a computer image, it does NOT mean you are looking at state-of-the-art effects. people seem to shrug and say, well, that’s what effects look like now. this must have been expensive! WRONG. it’s a fucking shortcut and people are blindly gobbling it up like a shit sandwich. or a brown gumball.

so fuck Hulk. the last movie i’ll be seeing in this town is going to be “28 Days Later.” i know it sounds like a sequel to the weepy Sandra Bullock rehab movie but it ain’t. did you know my mom hates her because “she doesn’t have any nostrils!”? that’s all i see when i look at her now. no nostrils. tragic. anyway, not 28 Days, but 28 Days LATER. it’s zombies back on the big screen and it looks like it’s aaaaall business. none of that smarmy horror-slash-satire for the teenagers. this movie looks like straight horror, the real deal, a nasty apocalypic little flick, the kind of movie that true fans of the genre (like me) rarely get anymore. i’m sure there will be some catchy little brit/techno songs strewn throughout since it’s by the guy who did Trainspotting but that’s a small price to pay for an adult horror film.

i can’t wait to finally drive away from this apartment. i’ll miss my view of this factory and the sirens every night every time they try to fire up that hand-chopping machine. seriously. i think they have a hand-chopping machine. if not, what the fuck is going on over there? they’re supposed to be making car parts and at least twice a week there’s an ambulance screaming into the parking lot. are they experimental car parts? i should count the cars on the next shift change to see if it’s like a roach motel over there or something. okay, there’s a shift change at 6am. i’m going to force myself to say up and count cars. i know i said that you shouldn’t force yourself to go to sleep or to say awake but all bets are off when there’s lives at stake. a wise old indian once said to me, "life ain’t Altered States, White Eye!"

p.s. these hyper-link things are freakin great. why didn't someone tell me about this before? i'm going to try one more of these dogs before i log off this beast for good.

::: david - 2:41 AM [+] :::
...

“I got the guts...but the guts need fuel.”
-Mickey Roarke in Barfly



THE BEST FIGHTS OF ALL TIME



1.) Gummo
those two neo-nazi-looking slapheads. this is great because they are actually hitting each other in the face. that’s the most you can ever ask for in a movie. utter perfection. thank you.

2.) They Live
Low budget John Carpenter nonsense with a 10-minute brawl that stops the movie in its tracks. Rowdy Roddy Piper Vs. Keith David. duuuuude, he just wants you to put on the sunglasses! even the two guys in this fight have to start laughing about halfway through. i saw this in the theater back in high school and outside afterwards i heard this one guy who was kicking stones all the way to his car complaining about the movie finally admit, “good fight though...”

3.) Cool Hand Luke
Paul Newman Vs. George Kennedy in the prison yard. and this would probably qualify as just a beating if Luke wouldn’t have taken that last weak shot at Dragline’s face so he’d get angry and beat on him some more. Kept “coming at him with nothin’!” Used to wait for that scene as a kid whenever it came on the “4 o’clock Movie”

4.) Barfly
Mickey Roarke as Henry Chinawski as Charles Bukowski Vs. Frank Stallone (as Sylvester Stallone?) Henry gets his ass handed to him by Eddie the evil bartender (played by Stallone. hey did you know that the spellcheck tries to turn “Stallone” into "stallion?" is the computer a fan?!? ya think Stallone knows about that?) this happens in the opening seconds of the movie. but we find out that the only reason he lost was because he hadn’t eaten anything! luckily he walks into the wrong apartment by mistake and find some bologna and white bread. FUEL! a full stomach turns out to be kryptonite to Eddie and Henry beats him so bad that Eddie’s two ugly girlfriends start crying. this scene, about halfway through, is the whole point of the movie. sure, Henry gets a short story published too, but the fight was clearly the climax. “You’re looking at a new man m’boy! I got a full tank of fuel!” Henry says, grinning through a mouthful of blood. very inspiring to writers everywhere. i know mom says not to eat an hour before you go swimming, but you better eat an hour before you pick a fight.

4 1/2.) Raiders of the Lost Ark
Don’t worry, i’m not doing that half floor in Malkovich thing from the car chase list again, I just have to do the four-and-a-half thing because i forgot this movie until i got down to ten and i didn’t feel like redoing the numbers. I’m talking about Jones’ fight with the big bald Nazi of course, outside that freaky looking plane (he probably didn’t even need to fight the guy, could that boomarang thing even fly? crazy fucking nazi science), Jones fights one guy, drags himself over to rescue the girl and out of the tent walks the big bald shirtless goon who wants a go. Jones’ weary “okay, i’m coming” gestures, then his knees buckling from the first punch are priceless. Jones is losing, until he realizes he has to step it up, so he rallies with everything he’s got left and throws 3 big bombs to get the nazi’s nose bleeding and distracts him enough to take the propellor blade from that goofy plane right in his face. When the guy you’re fighting suddenly looks horrified and covers his eyes you know you’re in trouble. Spiderman kind of did the same thing with that fight. Spiderman is talking a beating and has to rally back to distract the Goblin. or was the Goblin trying to distact him? i don’t remember. what’s most memorable about that movie was when Spiderman took that Goblin bomb right in the fucking grill. slo-mo lips all flapping n’ shit. that was very cool. Rami was channeling his superior movie “Darkman” for a moment there.

5.) Snatch
the final bare-knuckle brawl is a masterpiece of editing, music and story. To the tune of “Fucking in the Bushes” by Oasis. Brad Pitt as “One-Punch Mickey” shows up in the ring hung-over and has to be beaten back into consciousness. He gets hit so hard by that goon that he’s knocked UNDERWATER. All part of his plan? Who knows. My theory is that Mickey tried to do the one-punch thing as soon as he walked into the ring, but was too drunk to throw the bomb. It almost knocks the guy out but not quite. Okay, maybe the movie would be funnier if Mickey just kept knocking people out with the first punch after getting paid by gangsters to take a dive and after all the threats and even the murder of his mother he STILL didn’t understand what a fixed fight was. But if he did that, there wouldn’t have been that fight.

6.) The Deep
Two nameless goons. and i know i’ve seen these guys as the toadies in other movies i just can’t remember where. One white, one black so that no one gets confused. The white one’s name is Kevin but no one ever says the black dude’s name. The fight involves chains, hooks, an outboard motor (!) and finally a strange neck-breaking duel. it’s kind of like arm-wrestling but they’re grabbing ears and chins instead.

7.) Friday
The moral of the story is clear: Guns are bad. Craig’s dad’s warnings about guns (actually they’re more like insults than warning, he says that kids today are too afraid of getting their asses kicked) finally sink in at the end of the movie and young thirtysomething Craig (Ice Cube) puts down the gun and realizes that to pull the trigger in a fist fight is immoral. However, it’s okay to USE A FUCKING BRICK! Craig’s dad doesn’t see the contradiction and says “that’s my boy!” when Craig brains Debo into oblivion. actually his dad proudly calls him a “macaroni” (?) but you know what? they explained how using a brick isn’t cheating earlier in the movie. they were telling another story about another instance that was full of contradictions ("what about that time Debo was choking me?") and, after much thought, someone says, “that was different.” see what he’s saying? you can apply this wisdom in any situation. Guns bad. Bricks good.

8.) Bad Boys
Not the bullshit Will Smith/Martin Lawrence crap. anyone remember this 80’s movie with Sean Penn? no, not Fast Times at Ridgemont High. this was my introduction to Sean Penn, as Mick O’Brian. Jeff Spacoli wouldn’t be allowed at the same party with Mick O’Brian. Penn Vs. Esai Morales (last seen drawing Woody Woodpecker in LaBamba). this was the most realistic fight i’d ever scene up to that point. it was ugly, and it ended up on the ground like all fights do in real life. the only time i haven’t felt cheated when the good guy spares the bad guy. great pre-game leading up to the final fight too, with Penn bashing the fuck out of two prison sodomites with pop cans in pillowcases.

9.) Hard Times
can’t have a list without a Walter Hill movie yo! the last fight when Charles Bronson fights the mob’s ringer (who is so tough he shows up to fight in a suit and only takes off the shirt. leaves on the wingtips) a little too bloodless but it’s long and beautiful and has all the ups and down, confusion and heartache of a six-month relationship.

9 1/2.) Blade 2: Bloodhunt
sorry, couldn’t help it. had to do the half floor from Malkovich again. this is where the Matrix and Matrix Reloaded would have been if they weren’t disqualified for using CGI and wire bullshit during the fights. first i was going to say the fight with 100-Smiths in Reloaded but that was way too fucking fake. so then i thought about the first movie and was going to go with the scene when Morpheus fights the agents in that cramped bathroom and heads are cracking toilets and elbows and fists are busting though plaster, but that uses wires to get Morpheus up that wall and the cramped fighting reminded me of a classic fight that’s going to go on another list later. so then i thought, what’s the best CGI/wire shit fight that wasn’t in Matrix and the answer is Blade 2. When stuntman/nonactor Snipes fights the uber-vampire at the end and the uber-vampire is swinging him around by his feet and knocking the CGI Snipes’ head through the corners of the concrete walls. almost made me forget there wasn’t a man there. almost.

10.) Die Hard
the last fight with the blonde terrorist. i just like this fight because all the motivation is on the side of the bad guy. Bruce Willis killed his brother earlier (in a lame fight where the guy just fell down some stairs) and he’s out for revenge. it’s like a little mini-movie that’s more interesting than the whole hostage thing. i kept waiting for that terrorist to catch up with wise-cracking McClaine and when he finally does it doesn’t disappoint. even though the end of the fight is a bit of a cheat, i have to give credit to Bruce for telling the terrorist that he’s going to kill him AND eat him when they’re rolling around and he’s rabbit-punching him in the face. that’s the kind of gibberish you expect to hear in a fight. none of that “you sir...will die.” it’s more like “fuckin fuck i’ll kill your fuckin’ head or something! never mind.”

11.) Equilibrium
the fist fights are sort of gun fights and vice versa so i can’t really put one in the top ten, but the last fight when those two guys try to shoot each other in the face about 20 times is fucking awesome.

12.) Get Carter (2000 version)
Mickey Roarke and Sly Stallone. they say that Roarke broke one of Sly’s ribs that day by accident. that's funny since he kicked Frank Stallone’s ass in Barfly and twelve years later had a little fuel left in the tank for his brother. What’s next, Roarke vs. Stallone’s mom?

13.) Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn
Ash fighting his own hand. The fight is a little better when the hand is still connected to his arm. the hand “goes bad” and punches him out, dunks his head in the sink, cracks about five plates on his skull. Ash has to chainsaw it off and then the hand just kind of runs around on its fingertips mumbling and gibbering (!?!) and flipping him off after that. Replaced by the same chainsaw that severed it, later on in the movie, then replaced by a medival robot-hand in the sequel that’s never really used to do anything but catch a sword. kind of a waste. excellent films though. personal favorites. named one of my cats “Ash” actually.

14.) The Boxer
Daniel Day Lewis and some other guy in that boxing scene where no one is allowed to clap. it’s apparently not polite to cheer while watching a boxing match in England, and the spectators (well-dressed assholes sitting at dinner tables) can only tap on their glasses to show approval. it starts out like the kiss signal those idiots always do at weddings but then something creepy starts to happen. without the crowd noise the boxing match gets disturbing. hard to explain unless you watch it but i think it’s trying to say that fighting is pointless when there is only the sound of the blows and cold British fops watching you do it. kind of made me angry since i think if they wanted to teach a lesson about the futility of fighting then they shouldn’t have filmed every drop of blood so lovingly and called the fucking thing The Boxer.

15.) Dead Alive (aka Braindead)
when the priest comes out to do battle with the zombie biker punks. turns out the priest is like a ninja. but he gets bit so that makes him a ninja-priest-zombie (?) it gets kinda complicated. But now i have to mention the ending of this film. it’s not a fight really but the best scene in this movie, and hands-down the goriest scene OF ALL TIME, is the showdown with the housefull of zombies and the hero running through them with a lawnmower in his hands. at about the time he drops the blades down on the fifth or sixth zombie head, this goes so far over the top it becomes “art.”

16.) Body Parts
The barroom brawl when Jeff “Lawnmowerman” Fahey hits that guy in the head with the bottle, punches him into the ground, elbows the guys behind him who are trying to pull him off and finally gets kicked in the stomache. this fight would be unremarkable except for the fact that all the body parts involved in the fight; Fahey’s right arm, one guy’s left arm, and the other guy’s legs, were all transplanted from the body of a death row inmate. this idea is actually better than the execution but the scene still cracks me up.

17.) Raging Bull
the six minutes leading up to LaMotta (DeNiro) saying “you never knocked me down Ray!” still seems like the bloodiest boxing match ever, even though it was in black and white.

18.) Homeboy
Punch Drunk Mickey Roarke (again!) in that last fight, getting hammered in the rain to the tune of Eric Clapton guitar wailing. fight ends with one of my favorite all time images. Roarke sitting cross-legged in the middle of the ring, blood running down the bridge of his nose smiling while he gets counted out (and dies?) very powerful scene and i think he was supposed to be dead there because Christopher Walken tells him that another hit in the head will kill him and every music cue and edit is for maximum emotional impact. the post-fight ending where he walks up to see his girl on the carousel seems like it was tacked on later. can’t prove it though.

19.) Mad Max III: Beyond Thunderdome
Max’s fight against “Blaster” in thunderdome. not the best fight in the world, the weapons on the walls are kind of wasted, (the goddamn chainsaw is OUT OF GAS!?! inexcusible. you can't show a chainsaw and not use it) and they’re hopping around on those silly bunjee cords too much. but it’s a very creative fight scene and, unlike the Matrix or Crouching Tiger, the puppet strings are visible.

20.) Rocky 4
Rocky doesn’t make the top ten because Rocky fights are too goofy but they do have their moments and at first i was going to go with the Clubber Lang fight in 3 (Rocky begging for more shots to his own noggin with the taunt, “you ain’t so bad!”) because that’s the best comic-book fight in the series but i have to go with Drago’s fight in 4 because he picks Rocky up by the neck and HITS HIM SO HARD HE FEELS IT IN THE SEQUEL! true story. that's crazy! that's like saying you hit someone so hard you "knocked them into next week!" or socked 'em so hard "it killed their kids." dude. he actually feels it in the sequel. very impressive. and in that next movie Rocky is brain-damaged from that shot. that’s even funnier. Rocky 5 should be noted as the first time Rocky movies tried to insert a realistic, more down-and-dirty street fight into the silly shenanigans but it was too little too late. However Rocky does refer to himself as a “ham and egger” and he does hit Tommy Gun about five times in the back of the head with some nice cheap shots so hey! that reminds me...

HERE IT IS!!! THE REAL LIST YOU LUCKY BASTARDS!!!

fooled you with that first fight list. don’t get me wrong, i like those movies and i meant what i said, it’s just that fist-fights are only the tip of the iceberg. the real list is all about cheap shots. it’s all about who hits the guy when he’s not looking. who hits the guy in the back of the head, right behind the ear (has to be behind the ear to count, it's like a foul line...) and then, in a perfect world, runs away after he does it! that’s what you see in a bar (and i’ve done my share) and sometimes a little dose of reality ends up on the screen.



THE BEST SUCKERPUNCHES
OF ALL TIME!!!



“I’ve never been in a fight yet where the other guy threw the first punch.
It’s a sure-fire recipe for losing.”
-Sean Connery


1.) Slap Shot
there’s no contest. the greatest cheap shot in the history of cinema. Number 17 (but number 1 in our hearts) Jeff Hanson from the Charlestown Chiefs is just casually skating around during the warm-up against the Peterboro Patriots, minding his own business when number 2 on the Patriots looks at him for about three seconds. that's waaaay too long. that’s a violation worse than rape and you have to give Jeff credit for shaking off that glare and continuing to calmly skate around to rink for another lap and it really takes a better man to turn the other cheek and HOLY SHIT! what just happened?!? Jeff blasts him full in the mouth and starts a team against team brawl that no one can break up because (as the announcer gleefully shouts) “there are no officials on the ice!” the funniest, and most satisfying moment of mindless violence ever filmed. and that's two things that ain’t easy to pull off. speaking of "patriots": after that brawl, when Jeff was screaming to the official that he was "trying to listen to the fucking song!" at that moment, i actually felt more pride for our nation and our national anthem than i do when i drive up behind any post-911 bumper sticker.

2.) The Way of the Gun
when Ryan Phillipe hits the girl (Sarah Silverman) next to the guy he's supposed to be fighting. what a great idea! as explained by the director, he always thought about doing that when he thought he was going to get forced into a fight. that way, even if you get beat up, the guy who beat you up has to go home with an angry girlfriend with a bloody nose. smart guy. that’s why he wrote Usual Suspects.

3.) The Real World Seattle
don’t say a word, just listen and let me explain. this was some funny shit. David, the kid with no shirts and the New Yawk accent gets into a scrape with some locals outside a bar. slow-motion replay reveals David stepping up behind a local and delivering two solid overhand rights into the side of his face. well done. this punch was great not just because we finally got to see a fight on a reality-based program and it was a beautiful cheap shot and thud! bitch went down! what made it great is the fact that this local wannabe tough-guy who got dropped, the guy who was out trying to impress his friends by starting shit with some Real World posers, will get to re-experience the humiliation of getting jacked in the face by a REAL WORLD CAST MEMBER every time that episode airs. i’m surprised we haven’t read about that poor bastard in the news:
“Seattle Man Climbs Clock Tower With High Power Rifle. Tearfully Demands "Rematch." Police Scratching Their Heads.”

4.) Guns N’ Roses Concert, Pontiac Michigan 1990
i was in about row 700 but i could see it all on the big screen. about halfway through the song “You Could Be Mine” a fight breaks out in front of the stage. Axl gets irritated and mutters to the security guards, they try to intervene but get shoved aside. Axl stops on the word “miiii-yyiiine!” and jumps into the crowd feet-first. his cowboy boots come crashing down on some drunk’s head and security scrambles to throw Axl back onto the stage. about five minutes later someone is carried out on a stretcher and he starts the song over, all proud of himself. The chances of him kicking the right guy in the cranium are pretty slim but the crowd just decided to pretend that he did. me too. and i thought i was in the nose-bleed seats! hello! sorry. okay, it’s not a movie but i did watch it on a giant screen so maybe it counts. hmm, this is trouble. starting to cross the line into “the real” (Matrix time!) with the reality based-programming and the concerts so i’ll go back to the regular list (if i talk about reality, it’s like Jonnie said in Miller’s Crossing, “where does it all end? and then there’s the ethical question...”) can’t be gettin caught up on real fight-stories, otherwise i’d have to talk about the time i was at a bar in college and everyone was lined up down the stairs to leave and this clown was pushing his way back UP the stairs to get his jacket or something and he was shoving guys and girls in the back and yelling at everyone so i moved over and punched him in the back of the head. he wheels around, grabs some poor slob by the neck, some dude next to me that the asshole thought had hit him, and proceeds to beat the shit out of this guy. i just whistled and checked the ceiling for spiders and kept moving on down the stairs. at some point about me and about ten guys ended up in a dogpile at the bottom. later i was told that this townie started shit with ANOTHER innocent man way down that street while i was excitedly telling the story to people right outside the door. he must have hit five people trying to locate the origin of that cheapshot (right here dude!) and maybe that’s nothing to brag about, but if there had been room for me to run away right after, it would have been undeniably funny. anyway, back to movies:

5.) Slam Dance
the guy from Amadeus plays “Drood” a hard-drinking cartoonist who is stalked by a skinny madman in a members-only jacket. madman is played by the writer Don Opper and he had a good idea. he hands Drood his business card which is blank on both sides. Drood turns it over and POP right in the nose. sucker! that’s like handing a guy a basketball or a lunch tray before you hit him. only this was better, it occupied his hands AND his brain. if the card had said, “Turn Over” on both sides, Drood would have been unable to stop turning that card over forever, and he would have been in even deeper shit.

6.) Hard Times
gets a second mention because of the surprise bomb Bronson throws early on in the movie to knock out “Kevin” from The Deep! THAT’S where i saw that guy before!

7.) Snatch
Snatch is back because i like saying the word snatch. Seriously though, that first fight in the ring? One-Punch Mickey is supposed to throw the fight and that shot is great because you don’t expect it but you know, i like the very first punch Mickey throws in the movie even better, right after he does the proper stretching excercises. Remember that punch? It looked friggin' devastating. it even makes one of the main characters start weeping. i was so inspired that i went around talking like Brad Pitt’s character for weeks after that. reminds me of the age-old debate: would you rather fight Mike Tyson...or talk like him? think about it.

8.) Giant
James Dean runs up and hits Rock Hudson while Hudson’s own men are holding him back. Then runs away! Ten years old and i was cracking up. just goes to prove my theory that everything is funny if you run away after you do it. well, unless it involves a baby. i’m thinking that’s the one exception.

9.) The Abyss
“See this? They used to call this ‘The Hammer’.” that’s the set-up by “Cat”, one of the burly oil-worker characters, as he holds up his meaty fist to threaten the guy who just poured Captain Crunch down his back. Teachers call this “foreshadowing.” then, when Ed Harris is failing miserably (in front of his wife!) to defeat the twitchy Navy Seal mano E mano, “Cat” sneaks up behind the fight says “Hey!” and lets The Hammer fly. possibly the best punch ever thrown in a film. The Navy Seal (Micheal Biehn who was also in the movie NAVY FUCKING SEALS! take that Kevin Smith) is launched about ten feet backwards, feet flying over his head. This is about equal with the punch in Snatch that sends Mickey underwater (remember, from the regular fight list? teachers call that “suspension of disbelief”) and you know what? This punch in Abyss sends the Navy Seal underwater too! what’s up with that shit? i got hit hard enough in high school to get knocked out, but i didn’t end up underwater. i ended up halfway under my car. i would have liked to have landed on water instead of concrete that day. maybe it’s got something to do with science, the elements or quantum physics or something that makes this crazy water stuff. hey! maybe if you hit someone even harder they catch on fire. wait, that reminds me...

10.) Scanners
a psychic suckerpunch. scanner scans another scanner by mistake and his head blows up. oops. then the scanner who is left (Michael Ironside from Total Recall and Starship troopers and lots o’ stuff) looks around and runs away! therefore...FUNNY! the scanner duel at the end has them staring at each other and popping veins until the good guy finally ignites. that’s what is known as a decisive loss. if you are ON FUCKING FIRE when the fight is over, you lost jack. trivia note: if you glare at something long enough it will not catch fire or explode. after years of research i'm finally confident with this conclusion.

11.) Casualties of War
Michael J. Fox almost gets blown up by the guys from his unit while he’s talking a piss. so he walks out of the toilet, grabs a shovel, steps into their card game and buries it right in the biggest dude's face. too bad he then tosses the shovel away (?) and into his nemesis Sean Penn’s hands. Penn looks confused and calls him “Dinky Dow” (?) which must be Vietnamese for “dumbass.” Fox should have handed out shots with that shovel for the next hour. "one for you! one for you! where you going? two for you!" sigh. i just don’t understand. nice swing though, elbow up, just like those crazy kids paying their dues in the minor leagues in...

12.) Bull Durham (and The Untouchables)
Tim Robbins tells Costner to step outside “and party.” once out there Costner pulls a baseball from his sleeve like fucking Houdini and dares him to hit him in the chest with his “100 mph fastball” (we’ll have to “suspend disbelief” again with this stat since those gangly arms appear to be throwing about 50 tops). as predicted, Nuke (Robbins) couldn’t “hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat” never mind that it would have been better if Nuke HAD brained him with the ball (then ran away!) because Crash (Costner) actually throws a nice punch. even Nuke says so. left-handed jab right in the mouth, and seeing how Crash bats left-handed in the movie, this must be his preferred shot in real life. almost makes you forgive Costner for Dragonfly and Message in a Bottle. and he apparently likes the left-handed jab so much that in the movie The Untouchables, he throws the exact same punch. same situation, guy walking right into it, running his mouth, Costner quick left-jab. POP. In The Untouchables however this punch becomes a major plot point, as the man who’s face he broke recognizes him at the infamous slo-mo train station sequence. if he wouldn’t have hit that guy earlier in the movie, he wouldn’t have been high-stepping down those steps after a baby carriage like Bugs Bunny during that shoot-out.

13.) Heartbreak Ridge
when “Swede” finally gets out of the brig and faces off against Clint as promised. maybe it’s not really a suckerpunch but it seemed like it. a very short fight, Swede is on the ground is zero point two seconds and the guys in the plattoon scream like children and scatter in fear.

14.) Time Bandits
when John Cleese as Robin Hood hands out the stolen goods to the poor and his muttering underling keeps socking the poor people in the face. Cleese asks if it’s “absolutely necessary” and the translation of the Merry Man’s reply kind of sums up everything about fist fights in movies: “he says he’s afraid it is, sir.” Cleese: “Okay, carry on then!” BASH!

15.) Tombstone
when Wyatt Earp (Kurt Russell) takes the gun out of that Tom Cruise-looking cowboy’s belt and smacks him in the head with it while he’s still talking. his slap-attack on Billy Bob Thorton in the beginning is funny too. slap!slap!slap! Russel: “Are you going to do something about it, or are you just going to stand there and bleed?” he slapped Thorton so hard he knocked him stupid and he ended up doing a documentary about it called Sling Blade.

16.) Starship Troopers
one of the pussified male-model-looking leads in this movie (Casper VanDien) actually delivers a decent cheap shot while the other pretty boy (some Melrose Place doof) is turned around and talking off his jacket. all to the music of Mazzy Star on the jukebox???

17.) State of Grace
Gary Oldman smashing a pitcher of beer into the face of some poor schlub talking to his girlfriend. all to the music of Guns N’ Roses on the jukebox! now that’s more like it!

18.) Shaft (2000)
when Samuel Jackson hits American Psycho and loses his badge over it. felt so good he does it one more time for the road.

19.) 12 Monkeys
when Bruce Willis hits the pimp with the telephone. that looked painful. i also like how he’s just absentmindedly beating him with the phone until Madeleine Stowe can get his attention

20.) Internal Affairs
when Richard Gene jacks Andy Garcia in the elevator, then throws Garcia’s wife’s underwear in his face, laughing: “you know what she wanted Raymond? Right in the ass! I couldn’t believe it!” talk about rubbing the loser’s nose in it. Definitely gets bonus points for poor sportsmanship.

21.) Midnight Run
I was going to stop at twenty but this movie has like FIVE suckerpunches. all from DeNiro distracting the rival bounty hunter: “Hey Marvin! Marvin!” POW. Marvin is played by the dad from Some Kind of Wonderful who wants nothing more than Eric Stoltz to go to college in spite of the beating he’s headed for at the cool guy’s party. Judging by his performance in Midnight Run, it’s a good thing he didn't teach Stoltz how to fight. Supposedly this actor also got very angry on the set because DeNiro actually punched him a couple times. Marvin does get his revenge with a car door towards the end.

22.) Kalifornia
X-Files boy delivers a shovel to Brad Pitt’s face (was that a shovel?) good swing, good form, elbow up, just like Fox in Casualties of War. made Brad Pitt’s white trash maniac stop muttering that crap about “seeing doors” or whatever. He has the best line in the movie though when he’s trying his pick-up skills out the window of the car: “Shave that thing and teach it to hunt!”

23.) Goodfellas
when Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) goes to have a talk with his girlfriend’s date-rapist next door. last thing the punk says before he has a mouthful of gun metal? “What you want fucko? Want some of...” CRACKcrackcrackcrack. haha, he said “fucko!” this looked like it hurt too, and how about his brothers who were standing around the Corvette watching Liotta get his beat on? thanks for having my back, bros! see you at dinner! actually this might not qualify as a suckerpunch since he hit him with a gun. kind of like Spider bringing his mouth to Joe Pesci’s card game... okay, we’re gonna need a new list:

BRINGING A FIST TO A GUN FIGHT!!!

or...

THE BEST FIGHTS WHERE SOME DUMMY THOUGHT THEY WERE SQUARING OFF FOR A FAIR FIGHT AND GOT SHOT OR STABBED INSTEAD:

1.) Escape From New York
Snake Plisken squares off in the ring to fight the futuristic inmates’ biggest goon and, right when they were going to brawl, Snake smokes him in the back of the bean with a spiked bat. Fight over.

2.) No Escape
Same thing from Escape From New York but still a good gag. Ray Liotta squares off on a bridge against the futuristic inmates’ biggest goon and, right when the guy screams his battle cry, Liotta buries a huge knife in his chest. Fight over.

3.) Raider of the Lost Ark
Everyone knows this one. I guess he didn’t actually bring a fist to a gun fight but “a knife to a gun fight! “Just like a wop” Sean Connery said in Untouchables (right before the “wop” with the knife backs out the door and Connery realizes he’s actually brought a musket to a machine gun fight. oops!) anyway, sword wielding bad guy shows off a bit and Jones shoots his ass. Supposedly this was filmed instead of a long whip/sword fight because Ford was tired that day. Even if that’s the case, it was a very inspired solution. One of my most vivid childhood memories that doesn’t involve Godzilla or my dad’s porn stash.

4.) Edward Scissorhands
Anthony Michael-Hall brings a bat to a scissor fight! dumb shit! gets stabbed like a shish-ka-bob for his troubles. very violent ending considering all the fairly tale stuff that led up to it. i had to go buy the damn thing.

5.) The Getaway/The Getaway (1993)
Both versions have the Doc McCoy character getting the drop on the double-crossing partner (Michael Madsen in the remake) by casually shooting him full of holes and leaving him for dead. actually the bad guy had a gun too, but he still gets caught snoozing by Steve McQueen and Alec Baldwin. However, said bad guy does bring a bullet-proof vest to the gun fight and therefore Doc has unknowingly created an unstoppable revenge machine that plagues them for the remainder of both movies.

6.) The Driver
Same kind of thing as the last one. not really a “fist at a gun fight” but just Ryan O’Neil getting the drop on someone. shoots him right through his own driver’s side window. cool scene because we didn’t know he even had a gun until then. even one of the bad guys says, “i don’t get it, a guy with you’re attitude never carries a gun...” O’Neil says nothing because he’s always had one, and he’s going to shoot that guy with it about twenty minutes later. Okay, i could do fast draw type situations forever and they shouldn't really count so no more i swear.

7.) Wild Bill
Jeff Bridges as Wild Bill (looking like an Evil Lebowski) is losing a fight against a bunch of army guys who are mad because Bill beat up their buddy the night before. Then the bartender puts guns in Bill’s hands and it turns into a massacre. Cheaters never win huh?

8.) Deliverance
Burt Reynolds brings a bow and arrow to break up the party at “sodomy creek.” that’s what they actually call that stretch of river now when they give tours. Ziiiiip! that’s the sound of the arrow, not the slobbering inbreds’ zippers. ‘cause they didn’t have zippers, they had over-alls.

9.) Kids
aka “bringing your fists to a skateboard fight.” Poor kid gets a skateboard in the mush, then gets a grade-school beatdown by every kid in the park. the final good-bye from Casper is pretty nasty.

10.) Steve-O Video
same thing actually. the fringe Jackass crew are skateboarding off traffic and some guy gets out to talk shit and gets hit in the face with a board. notice that the victim gets smoked with side of the skateboard with the wheels. i guess he wanted to get some blood on his Social D stickers.

11.) The Last Boy Scout/The Fan
Player brings a gun to a football game! Makes me smile just thinking about it. One of those times when you’re kicking yourself for not thinking of it first. Touchdown! Three dead. One of the best opening scenes of all time. So good that Tony Scott sort of tried it again at the end of the movie The Fan. except he had the umpire bring a knife to a baseball game. not as good, only reminds us of the greatness of the original idea. so when does someone bring a chainsaw to a hockey game? wait! that was Mutant League Hockey for the Sega dude!!!

12.) The Long Riders
a couple unarmed guys get shotgunned through a store window in slow motion (by a Carradine and a Keach i think) lots of slow motion in this movie. like Clint Eastwood said in Unforgiven after doing a similar thing, “well, he should have armed himself...”

13.) Wild At Heart
kind of the flip side. the guy with the knife is outgunned by an unarmed but berserk Nicolas Cage with insane Elvisidal Tendencies. like a machine, Cage bangs the bad guy's head on the floor until his skull cracks open like an egg. all this in the opening five minutes of the movie. My old roommate Gary back in college was haunted by this scene. he said once (with a southern accent) “i think about that scene a lot. i think that would be the best way to kill somebody in a fight” best part is when Cage lights his cigarette and points and grunts at the woman who paid the man to pull the knife.

14.) Natural Born Killers
when Mickey (Woody) slices up the coach from Major League in the diner, leaving fingers on the ground and half a piece of keylime pie on the counter.

15.) Return of the Living Dead
when the manager from the medical supply warehouse hits the main zombie with the baseball bat. damn, that was easy. they should have tried that an hour ago. speaking of zombies...

BONUS LISTS!!!

THE BEST FIGHT BETWEEN A SHARK AND A ZOMBIE:

1.) Zombie (aka Zombi 2)
underwater shark/zombie fight (and why are the zombies underwater again?) where they used a real shark and not a real zombie. But it might be a real dead shark that's getting pushed around by divers off screen. however, it’s eye does blink when the zombie bites into it. i’m not just doing that thing where you title a list that can only have one movie on it just for laughs. i just want to throw down the gauntlet in hopes that someone else will try to do a zombie/shark fight. it’s like Ice Cube meets Ice-T in Trespass (a friend of mine called that combo a “nice cool drink!”). Zombies and sharks, two tastes that go great together!

BEST FIGHT BETWEEN TEENAGERS AND ZOMBIES:

1.) The Wanderers
what is up with that football field brawl at the end of this??? are the “Ducky Boys” a gang of the undead? i don’t know if it was the creepy music or what but i felt very uneasy during that bizarre apocalyptic brawl. the one kid’s dad is so far gone into beserker mode (swinging around a chunk of the football teams' bench that he punched loose) that he socks his own son in the gut when the fight is over.

BEST FIGHT AGAINST AN ANIMAL:

1.) The Edge
The final brawl between Alec Balwin & Anthony Hopkins and the bear. i couldn’t believe there was like a third of that movie left after that.

2.) Razorback
when they battle the giant pig in the evil dog food factory. actually the pig looks fake but still we’re talking about a giant pig. by the director of Highlander. notice the two trigger-happy cavedwellers and their three-legged dog. guess how that happened.

3.) The World According To Garp
Garp gets his rematch against “Bonkers” the dog that bit off his ear as a child. Garp bites off the dog’s ear after it won’t give him the pages of his short story back. a pay-off more uplifting than all the Rocky movies put together.

THE BEST BEATDOWNS:

1.) Casino
the baseball bat tap-dance on Joe Pesci and his brother. the sound effects alone (bonkbonkbonk) will make anyone wince.

2.) Romper Stomper
when the skinheads finally get their asses handed to them by about 600 Vietnamese kids. they come pouring out of that van like it’s the first day at Vietnamese Clown College. lots of punchinig and yelling and bodies. a very kinetic nerve-wracking scene.

3.) Goodfellas
when they’re all beating on Billy Batz to the tune of Donovan. was DeNiro smiling during that scene?

4.) Kiss of Death (1994)
when Zebrahead (Michael Rappattack, the one with the shit-stained Elvis T-shirt in True Romance) gets beaten to death by Nicolas Cage to the tune of House of Pain. no shit "house of pain," garage of pain is more like it. should have put one of those raincoats on that radio for the splatter. hey, maybe there should be a list of best music during a beating? no no no. too many lists! this way lies madness!!

5.) True Romance
when Tony from Sopranos beats on “Alabama” for what seems like an eternity. would be unwatchable if it wasn’t for her blood-soaked victory. i like how Slater busts in when it all over. just in time! thanks for nothing.

6.) Clockwork Orange
the fights in this movie are mostly cartoonish and over-stylized but they DO hit Billy Boy and his gang for a long time with those chains.

7.) Dazed and Confused
when Adam Goldberg pours his beer on the goon and cracks him in the face. almost made the suckerpunch list if it wasn’t for the depressing beating the goon proceeds to rain down on the hero. what can you do? hey, he warned him earlier that he was "all out of beer."

8.) Blade Runner
is it just me or does every character in that movie beat the fuck out of Harrison Ford? watch for the quick shot of blood in the glass when Ford does a shot of vodka after a hard day's work. he never stops bleeding in that flick.

ONE MORE LIST!!!

BEST FIGHT THAT ENDS WITH SOMEONE’S HEAD BEING PULLED OUT OF THEIR OWN ASS!!!

1.) Society
from the makers of Re-Animator. some underground cult of freaks who kind of melt into you while they suck your eyes out and drain your body and then reach in through your ass to squeeze your brain. true story. the characters keep calling this move a “shunting” but to quote the dude in Princess Bride, “you keep saying that word...i do not think it means what you think it means...” so anyway, the young hero (Billy Warlock from Baywatch fame) squares off against the toughest ass-grabbing alien and right before the bad guy is going to jam his fist up the hero's ass...he turns the tables by jamming his fist up the alien's ass. then Billy works his hand up through his body to grab his head through his eye-sockets with sort of this reverse bowling-ball grip maneuver. Then he pulls the whole nasty mess out of his ass. the entire cast is shocked into silence and the movie can do nothing but roll the credits. a moment so hilarious and disgusting that you'll almost forgive what a shitty movie it was. A milestone in cinema.

CAN’T.....STOP.....MUST....MAKE....LISTS....

BEST BEATDOWNS GIVEN TO INANIMATE OBJECTS:

1.) Gummo
When those redneck dumbasses take on....wait for it.....a chair! remember how the fist fight in gummo was real? well, this is 100% real too. No joke, sometimes during this fight, it really seems like the chair is winning. fucking genius.

2.) Office Space
The copy machine beatdown to tune of “Still” by the Geto Boys. “Die motherfucker die motherfucker!” best shot is when Michael Bolton tries to go back for more with a handful of wires. as intense as any real gangster movie beatdown.

3.) The Pit and the Pendulum (1990)
at the beginning, when the inquisition goons (led by Lance Henrikson) find the defendent "guilty!" and tie him up for 50 lashes of the whip. too bad the defendent is dead and buried. never fear! they dig him up and lash away until the dusty skeletal head bounces off down the hallway. hilarious. from the guys who did Re-Animator and Society.

4.) Rocky
when Rock trains by punching on bloody slabs of frozen meat hanging in the freezer. really a great scene that makes you forget the crimes that Stallone went on to commit against straight-to-video filmmaking ("Avenging Angelo" anyone?). truly his finest moment but it reminds me of something a little better from...

5.) Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead
when Critical Bill (Treat Williams) is working out by punching on a corpse in the back room at the funeral home. "He don't mind much!" he says. Neither do we!

6.) Rollerball
The drunks out shooting trees with a laser gun. a very strange scene. and there's probably a "message" buried in there too. it's the only part of the movie that doesn't involve the game of Rollerball that is remotely interesting. but beware the remake. and save the trees, they are us. i think the band Rush said that. of course they also said, "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." And what if you choose not to choose not to decide? huh??? what then? that's what i thought. fucking canuckleheads.

AND FINALLY...

THE BEST ANTI-FIGHTS:

1.) Fight Club
a movie about fighting without any really good fights. except maybe when Norton pummels a blonde Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life to supress his gay tendencies. and except maybe when Norton as the nameless narrator (nameless again!) beats up himself. kind of looked like Evil Dead 2 to me but still pretty funny.

2.) Lost Highway
the hero stumbles into the porn producer’s house and sees his girl getting banged on the projection screen TV by the porn guy AND Marilyn Manson’s band. he should be furious and you’re ready for some payback, when, after a good initial crack with a little naked statue (which leaves two funny nipple-shaped holes in the dude's face) the bad guy screams in rage and leaps forward and CRUNCH. impales his own head on the corner of a glass table. hmm. that was fast. at least the hero stops to study the twitching bloody aftermath.

3.) Chocolate War
the final boxing match where they draw punching instructions from the box is strange and interesting. and, earlier when the hero gets beaten up (i mean down) by a bunch of third graders (like Clockwork Orange, “it was youth having a go at....uh youth”) that would be hard to live down. better to be caught masturbating like one of the villains did.

4.) Femme Fatale
the scene where Antonio Bandaras runs up to fight the guy who’s grinding on Rebecca-whatever-Stamos on the pool table. they hit the hanging light and stumble off screen and we only see the shadow of the fight on the wall and her reactions to it. fucking brilliant. the fight seemed to involve a pool stick at some point but it's hard to watch the shadows when the girl seems so happy to be watching the fight for us.

5.) Raising Arizona
when John Goodman and Nicolas Cage try to fight in that tiny trailer. elbows and fists through the walls by mistake (like Morpheus and Smith) and, the best part, Cage accidentally dragging his fists across the ceiling when he was going to bring his hands crashing down on top of Goodman’s howling head. great horrified look and yelp from Cage when he looks down at his knuckles.

6.) Jamon Jamon
the two rivals beating each other in the balls with ham hocks. the title means “Ham Ham” right?

7.) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
more like the anti-sword fight. we all know this one, i’ll move on.

8.) Pulp Fiction
Apparently Bruce Willis beat some other boxer to death because he tells the cab driver all about it (in the deleted scene he says it’s the other guys fault for "fucking up his sport") and we hear about it on the radio too. so why don't we see get to see it? kind of like the diamond heist in Reservoir Dogs that Tarantino decides we don't need to see. he's more interested in everything else that happens around the heist and the fight and i guess i can respect that. even if i did complain about not seeing this fatal bout right after i left the theater. Tarantino barely squeaks by with this artsy technique, but in some movies (like fucking Porky’s) there is just no excuse. so we’ll finish up with...

LAST ONE I SWEAR (who's still reading at this point?)

THE WORST FIGHTS
OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!

1.) Clerks
this is low budget sure, but that’s no excuse. when Dante and Randall finally have it out, all we get is some girly flailing around and some candy bars being tossed from off camera. utter failure as a fight. Gummo didn’t have any money either but they made the top of the big list. you know why? because they were actually hitting each other in the face. real fighting rises above any budget problem or pretentiousness. actually punching the actor, or director, in the face is the perfect remedy. a glaring omission in every Kevin Smith movie.

2.) Unbreakable
when Willis’ "unbreakable" hero fights the killer at the end. you know, they didn't really test that "unbreakable" thing enough. his kid was on the right track when he offered to shoot him. the kid was the only one in the movie really thinking (tapping the side of my head). So Willis finally gets to fight crime instead of mope and slooooooooowly lift weights and he confronts the serial killer/home invader after a dunk in the pool. too bad all he does is hang on his back like a drunk and get tossed around the room until he finally chokes him out. what the fuck was THAT crap?

3.) Dolemite
every fight in this movie is awful. still a great film but the slow-moving hero is throwing arguably the worst punches, kicks and karate chops of all time.

4.) Rear Window
I realize that both of Jimmy Stewart’s legs are in casts but did his lip have to quiver when the bad guy threw him out the window??? my favorite Hitchcock movie but hell, his ARMS weren’t broken.

5.) Mean Streets
someone calls someone a “mook” and after much debate, they decide it was an insult. the pool hall brawl that results is one of the longest, dumbest looking scrapes in history. that might have been the point i guess. but i just don’t know.

6.) Porky’s
the country-fried kid keeps going back to Porky’s and getting his ass kicked all through the movie. but the filmmakers, in their infinite wisdom, don’t think we want to watch any of these fights. we just get this kid stumbling into scenes to fall into record players and punch bowls. what the hell? after one of the fights the kid even mumbles, “got one of his teeth” and shows them a tooth!!! well? WHAT HAPPENED??? how did you get his tooth?? CAN WE SEE THE FUCKING FIGHT, PLEASE??? it’s like the old westerns where the cowboy stumbles into the room with an arrow in his ass and then you get to hear the story. how frustrating was that?

that's it for now. i know i forgot a bunch. until next time.

::: david - 5:35 PM [+] :::
...

"you can't swoop down on a guy's sandwich like that Henry."
-the good bartender in Barfly

"I'd hate to be you if i were me."
-the bad bartender in Barfly


okay, i’m gonna try to fire off another list before i go to this Old West End barbecue today. hey anyone watching the MTV movie awards? what the hell? these things got real bad real fast. looks like friggin Nickelodeon awards or something. except for 50 cent doing In The Club/Wanksta with a bullet-proof vest on. that was funny. what’s up with them not understanding what “best action sequence” means? they show scenes from two “sequences” in Two Towers. just not taking this shit serious. okay my turn, in honor of Roadhouse, which doesn’t make the list, i should have it done by 6. or not. you know, Roadhouse does have that scene where Swayze rips out the bad guys throat (after he says, “i used to fuck guys like you in prison” and all the guys watching the movie slowly turn to look at each other) but the problem is that his girl, Kelly Lynch, treats this self-defense throat-ripping as A BAD THING?! and afterwards? when he should be going, "holy shit, did you see what i just did?!?" Swayze does the inexcusable instead. he looks down at his bloody hands like “what have i done?”

dude. what is your problem? acting like you’re all horrified. you read the script dummy, remember? no wonder they used to fuck guys like him in prison.

alright, gotta get to work. bar-b-q calling! i’m too hungry to type though. you can’t type, or fight, on an empty stomach. just ask Mickey Roarke in Barfly. never face a blank page without a full tank of fuel.

::: david - 5:49 PM [+] :::
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“I thought you were dead.”
-Escape From New York

“I thought you’d be bigger.”
-Roadhouse

“I thought you said, ‘i’m all right Spider...’”
-mumblin’ stutterin’ prick from Goodfellas



finally got Miller’s Crossing on dvd, and one other movie that i’ll confess to later. well, two other movies but Blue Crush was a gift and doesn’t count. it’s the other movie that troubles me.

so i’m thinking this will be my dvd last purchase for a long time since i’m packing this shit up anyway to move. didn’t someone say something about “putting away childish things?” well, whoever that was never went to sleep to the sweet lullaby of John Carpenter’s talentless keyboard plinking, or to the soothing sounds of zombies thumping on a the door of a deserted farmhouse. however, since i’m going to be a man without a country for a little while, i’m going to be packing these movies real tight, and i don’t predict opening the boxes for a loooong time. are too many movies a bad thing? do you have a hard time trusting people with too many favorite things, or not enough? anyway, i vow no more movie talk since i’m going to be a nomad and walk the earth in search of inspiration for my fiction...

hey, speaking of, anyone remember the movie “Nomads?” damn, broke the vows already. remember it though? Pierce Brosnan as this guy who dies in the opening scene and passes on his thoughts to some doctor? turns out there’s this group of leather-clad immortals that roam around, turning up in decades-old photographs. led by Adam Ant so you know they got to be tough. the story is very similar to Bradbury’s “The Crowd” actually but still interesting in a low-budget first-movie kind of way. you know who’s first movie that was? John McTiernan. dude who did Die Hard and Red October (and 13th Warrior and Last Action Hero). there’s a lot of directors who start with these little edgy movies, and i go see them at the art cinema and get all excited that i discover something and POW they’re huge with mindless action bullshit. i have this dusty old VHS copy of Nomads i acquired somehow in high school and i was thinking of upgrading to the dvd when i noticed it on the shelf next to Miller’s Crossing, but i couldn’t do it. that movie needs to be a shitty blurry videotape, it’s a good memory for me. so i moved on down the shelf and you know what was there? scratching at it’s cage, whimpering to be taken home? “Roadhouse” baby! also a sellout movie by a young scrappy go-getter named Rowdy Herrington who started out with another movie i “discovered” at that now defunct art cinema. anyone remember “Jack’s Back?” modern day Jack the Ripper stuff but with some good twists and James Spader kicking a little ass for the first time. back then he was always sneering at some kid in a teen movie, or extorting Robert Downey Jr. into sucking a little dick to pay off his coke bill (art imitates...) but him playing the hero in "Jack’s Back" was a surprise for anyone who hadn’t seen “The New Kids” or “Tuff Turf” so i was diggin’ it. anyway, that guy went on to do “Roadhouse” so that’s my rationalization for buying this piece of shit. cause it reminds me of Nomads. and i used that word earlier. see, it all comes together. so maybe i just bought a respected film like "Miller’s Crossing" so i wouldn’t have to say that my last dvd purchased before i packed it all away for good was fucking “Roadhouse.”

you know, speaking of movies that get a bad rap, everyone keeps quoting Clerks by saying “ooooh Navy Seals” whenever they’re ripping on something, like that sums up any bad movie. but you know what? Navy Seals isn’t nearly as bad as most of Kevin Smith’s talky wank-fests so fuck that. sure i own all those Jersey movies, but i got my reasons. Clerks i own because i had the EXACT same job as Randall (right down to the connecting convenient store, only i didn’t have a gloomy pontificating jerkweed like Dante to break up my monotony. all i had was a group of surly psychotics next door at the Dairy Mart, including my own cousin who was fired for either punching a guy in the face with a fistful of keys OR sneaking out back to shoot holes in the gate of an abandoned pick-up truck with a .22, i forget exactly what happened but that was the highlight. wait, no it wasn’t. i just remembered another incident so i’m going to bust out of the parenthesis...)....i was sitting behind the counter at that videostore, watching “Midnight Run” with the volume low in case the owner came in, and there’s this payphone right outside the window, the glass like right there next to where i’m sitting. so i’m just watching these little BMX-straddling punks fucking with the phone and unscrewing the mouthpiece and i didn’t care, i mean, i’ve broken many a phone in my day, but i can’t help staring at them and eventually this one kid throws down his Mountain Dew and runs over to lean his head through the doorway and glare at me.

i’m going “what? i’m trying to watch ‘The Lost Boys’ (i mean 'Midnight Run')" and this kid says “what the fuck you staring at?”

keep in mind that this kid is like this 2 foot 2 little gelfling with arms about as big as my thumbs, not that size means anything. (hell, Patrick Swayze is the smallest dude in “Roadhouse. and my dad once said, “son, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog. or the gun the dog brings with him. if dogs carried guns. never mind. go play.”)

so anyway, i say, “uhhh, you?” he says “quit looking at me.” i start thinking i recognize him as one of the little dirtbike-riding brats that live next door to our building and i want to get a better look at him so i say, “come here for a minute” and when i say that he freaks out and starts screaming that he’s going to “go home and get his gun and come back and shoot me in the head” and he’s yelling that i only want him to come all the way in the door so i can grab him or something. so i’m just staring, amazed out how instantly furious he is (Mountain Dew?) and more than a bit shocked by the casual threat on my life. so i say, “go ride your bike home and get your gun you stupid little fuck” and off he goes. so i sit there, unable to pay attention to the movie, thinking “fuck that little kid” for about 10 minutes. then i lock up the store early and i’m out the door like Scooby Doo running from a mummy and i drive to my brother’s house to tell him the story. i rationalized my fleeing-the-scene with my dick between my legs as:

1.) i could use the story as an excuse to close early AND i don't have to explain how old the kid was that threatened my life by carefully using the word “bike” when telling the story. ‘cause that could mean motorcycle too you see. and...

2.) getting killed by a 12 year-old would haunt me so bad that i’d be a fucking tormented poltergiest in that videostore forever.

what was the point of that? oh, “Clerks.” okay, yeah, i bought that shit, that’s cause it hit close to home. the original “happier” ending anyway. i guess i bought “Mallrats” because i already had the other ones by then. “Chasing Amy” because it had all that comic book crap. “Dogma” because it was an ambitious failure and “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” simply because Eliza Dushku is in that and she is hot as FUCK. but remove all these factors, that incident with the 12-year old, and my compulsive need to complete a movie collection and you know what you’re left with:

"Navy Seals," in spite of its many flaws, is a better movie and doesn’t deserve that punchline. don’t deny it. does any Kevin Smith movie have Charlie Sheen jumping off a bridge out of a moving car or punching someone in the throat? didn’t think so.

the videotape of "Roadhouse" i just upgraded to dvd was stolen from that videostore fifteen years ago. and i don’t think my new digitally mastered Sam Elliot/Swayze/Jeff Healy Band masterpiece is worth the loss of those memories. even though i did find that puppy what i think will be a loving home, i won’t replace them anymore. no more dvds. i'm not ashamed to declare that this, and not “Miller’s Crossing” will proudly stand as my last dvd purchase. until the Navy Seals Special Edition.

::: david - 2:29 AM [+] :::
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