..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Sunday, June 25, 2006

"You know what you are???"
-Ministry


holy shit burgers! i got my computer back! i tried in vain to get my old laptop running online to update over here, but every time it connected, it just sat there and flickered and smoked. so please get comfortable as i will probably be typing like a madman now that i'm plugged back in. you see that song quote up there? i had that Ministry cd "Land of Rape and Honey" for like 20 years and never knew that the quote that they keep yelling over and over in the chorus is from "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly," which i finally finished watching after 3 after-work marathons. but how about that quote in a Ministry song? weird, and that quote just reminded me of a email i want to respond to later. okay, i must limit myself to a specific number of subjects (and make sure i finally post an excerpt from my 673-page ongoing thesis "What I Think About Firefighters") but i will try to keep it short or else i'll type all night and all nine of you will tune out again. okay, so, how about we start with...uh...

1.) the show "Lobstermen!" i can't really get mad and say this is a rip-off 'cause judging by the graphics and everything it's clearly made by the same people behind the brilliant "Deadliest Catch" but since the season ended on that show sans death, i'm going to give it a chance.

some strengths: no Bon Jovi theme song, an actual developing conflict over fishing grounds, slightly more humane treatment of the creatures they're catching, less, more expensive payloads which could potentially give the crew more time to focus on each other and inevitably argue like they're on Road Rules.

weaknesses: no Bon Jovi theme song, no incredibly dangerous Bering Sea, no one with a name as great as Sig Hanson (of the Charlestown Chiefs??), no grueling ice hammering every morning. there's potential though.

2.) Deadwood is back! now this is what The Sopranos was failing to deliver. a tip when watching this show -- use the subtitles. it's much easier to follow the plot that way. and you know who the guy is that plays Swearenger (aka Sweary Swearsalot)? it finally came to me the other day when i was eating a steak and cutting small pieces just like the guy in..."Sexy Beast!" yes, he was in that movie! he was the scary gangster who wasn't Ben Kingsley. he's all british in the movie and i think his last word on screen honestly is "fuck." i'm getting dangerously close to being westerned-out with my new westerns-all-day phase, but i will keep it up until my scrip "Pigiron" is done. i'm about halfway. just did a road rage scene...but on horseback, dude!

3.) next up...uh...oh yeah. here's something i wanted to address about the apparently obnoxious tone of my blog. i got an email from an ex who was inspired to take me to task, and, since i haven't been getting as many emails and comments as i used to, i decided to carefully analyze every point to see if she's right, and then give an in-depth, lucid response right here right after. here's her email:

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"...i read your site from time to time, but it's so negative and mean-spirited that it's hard to get through. you are probably overjoyed to hear that though. you know, you tell me that you aren't an asshole and that your site is just to vent...well, do you think that maybe you really are an angry elf and that you are merely using the excuse of a blog as an avenue of catharsis to be so without detection? i mean, if you are expressing these ideas there it means you are actually having them which means you are actually feeling them which means...blah blah blah. face it. you are really angry...or just full of shite and want people to think that you are a hard ass. so which is it? and what could it possibly get you? i remember a conversation where you told me that you thought that i was getting ready to dump you so you backed off so you wouldn't get hurt. do you really like people seeing this side of you?do you really like people seeing this side of you? you just seem like a child thinking that they can't possibly be wrong and that, truly, it's the rest of the world that got it wrong. i do that too, of course, but i wonder if you stop yourself like i do and remember that i am but one of many people with ideas about how the world should be. by now you are probably cracking your knuckles to slam me on your site or in a reply with cut-throat remarks meant to push the questions back on me instead of you thinking of them about yourself. as completely self-involved people are, it's rare that they think about their real self. strange yeah? anyhow, i am not sending this out of spite or to hurt your feelings. i just got annoyed with your negativity while reading your site tonight and couldn't keep it in. i guess it bothers me so much because i know how fantastic you are when you aren't pretending that you are the one with all the answers. you just mock and ridicule everything and don't appear to take any joy in life other than expressing the ugly things in the world. i would probably give money to read one entry where you don't talk about slapping someone in the face with your dick or how someone needs to die because they rubbed you the wrong way. you come off as living on your own planet where you rule supreme and no one is above you. God forbid anyone mess up when you are around. let people fuck up and live their lives. you don't have to deal with them beyond the check out line or the drive thru. good luck on your radio show tonight. i'll try to listen if i can stay up. play me a song would ya? something that says something, but not just anything about something.

-L.T.

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and now, after several weeks of careful consideration and self-examination, of flow-charts and statistics and lab work, my response:

uh, did you call me an "elf?"

4.) moving on, let me quickly expain why you shouldn't give a fuck about firefighters! seriously! fuck 'em! don't let them snow you with that hero bullshit. don't let the shadow of 911 stop you from hating them. so a building fell on their heads. so what. fuck 'em. lots of worse things happen to more valuable people all over the world every second. and we made Space Shuttle jokes a year after it blew up, so don't you think it's about time to give serious thought to NOT automatically respecting these assholes? one more time...fuck 'em! i was watching this show the other day and they were interviewing some of these dumb fucks and their families and the wife or the kid would smile proudly and say crap like, "you know, it's just his job." and that's such bullshit when they say that. the only reason that sentence is spoken (and it's spoken all the fucking time) is because they want to be clear that it's NOT just a job, that it's a dangerous, heroic thing that they're doing (mostly not doing, the fat fucks). you know what's going on when they say those words? it's the equivalent of some dumb bitch spending six hours getting ready for a party and then saying to the first person who compliments her on her dress with her tits hanging out, "oh, this old thing? i just threw it on." that's what i see when one of these assholes says, "it's just my job, you know?" i see a bitch with his tits hanging out. fuck 'em. did i already say "fuck 'em?" fuck 'em. and did you know these fucking idiots wear dogtags?! like they're in the army?! how laughable is that shit?!?

the only reason they have dogtags is because they want to remind you that they're somehow at war (with fire!) and that those dogtags might be the only thing you can clutch and weep and remember them by when they trip over a hose trying to put out a burning doghouse and accidentally catch their heads on fire. yeah, dude, you're a warrior. that's why you have the same fighting weight as a Major League pitcher. oh yeah, on this documentary, there was this guy who had a picture on his wall of this burning house crawling with firemen. think about that a second. if it's "just his job" why the picture? that's the same as having a crayon drawing of a firetruck on your mommy's fridge. that's a child's behavior. it's a cry for attention. he wants to remind everyone how dangerous his job is. ohhhhh, so scary. the house is one fire. whoopty shit. don't go in it then. don't frame a picture of it and pretend that you're answering a call to duty. that picture bullshit reminded me of this ex-girlfriend's sister's husband who was a cop who told me that he keeps obituaries of dead cops on his fridge. i didn't say this to him at the time because i didn't think of it back then, but you know why he did that? not for any noble purpose. he did it for the same reason a kid draws a picture of himself in a burning spaceship and hands it to you. he wanted his wife to see what a dangerous job he has every time she opens the door for orange juice, just so that he could then downplay it and say, "don't worry, honey, it's just what i do." fuck him. and you know why i say, specifically, "fuck him?" because i played football with that cock (i mean, cop) and her two brothers one Thanksgiving morning and they gave me a concussion. true story. i thought my brain was going to squirt out my ears. i was ready to drill a hole over my eye to let the pressure out. i'm completely serious. who knows how much brain damage that football game caused me. can't do multiplication tables anymore. forgot my piano lessons. can't finish my

anyway, let the backlash start here. stop respecting firemen (firefighters my ass). they're fucking worthless.

and, as a bonus, here's a play-by-play of my last verbal exchange with a fireman (keep reading even if you're sick of this, i come out looking like a pussy at the end of this story):

years ago, i was driving down a one-lane country road in my hometown and this giant pick-up truck with the volunteer-fireman lights on it was riding my ass, so i slowed down and stared at him in the mirror and he finally turned on those fake policeman lights and started lunging the truck forward all aggressive to indicate that i should let him pass. i thought, "fuck you, dude. there's no fire. i ain't moving. quit pretending you're a cop." and when there was finally enough room for his big shiny truck to squeeze past me, so he blew on by, glared at me, and tore off into the distance. i thought about the encounter for a couple more miles and decided to try to catch up to him. just to prove once and for all that there was no fire!

do you see the implications here??? if someone said the famous words, "where's the fire??" at that moment, this particular fireman would have to sheepishly admit, "there ain't no fire"!!!

so i caught up with him, sort of. i caught sight of him pulling into the fire station. i thought, "damn it. there better not really be a fire." so i creeped my car around the building and watched him pull into a parking spot, casually get out and walk toward the building, all sense of urgency gone. then he started talking with some other asshole, both smiling with coffee cups in their hands.

i said, "ah ha!" and drove up on them real fast and rolled down the window. i wish i would have said triumphantly, "where's the fire?!?!" but i didn't think to say it back then. instead i stuttered, "uh, remember me from back there?" and the guy squinted and said, "yeah, what do you want?" and i was like, "i thought you were in a fucking hurry, dude. sure don't look like it to me!" and the fireman looked at me a minute, then at his buddy and said, "why don't you get out of your car and say that shit?"

and i thought a moment and said, "uh, no thanks." and took off like my ass was on fire.

moral of the story: I still leave on "Backdraft" every time it comes on TV because the funeral parade at the end is the funniest ending since the custard pie fight that didn't happen at the end of Dr. Strangelove.

5.) let's see. what else have i been doing...oh yeah, i ran out of gas again because, as my car disintegrates, i can't guage how much gas i have in the tank any more. that's like twice in 3 months. and i used to be able to know how much gas i had right down to the penny. more than a couple times i actually pulled into the gas station as it sputtered right on cue. not no more. it gets down past a quarter tank and that means anywhere from 5 bucks to "no gas."

so, after work, i found myself walking down a highway with a gas can in my hand, too embarrassed to call anyone like i did the last time. however...i got rescued by a co-worker! and, it turns out she has a blog, too. and she wrote about our little side-of-the-road adventure!

so i'll let her tell it...

it's not the post titled "adventures in stupidity" although it should be. it's the post under that.

6.) so, the other day i was defending my movie collection and its lack of comedies and the fact that this seems to suggest i am a humorless person. but i knew i had some comedies in my pile of movies if i just dug deep enough, so i made an effort to find them all and see if a pattern would emerge. now, i'm not counting anything like "Buckaro Banzai" or "Being John Malkovich" or "Big Trouble in Little China" or "Dead Alive" or "Dr. Strangelove" or "The Evil Deads" or "The Graduate" or anything like that because, although they're freaking hilarious, humor really isn't their main intent. so it turns out that the comedies that i felt the need to buy at one time or another are..."Clerks" (and it's crappy sequels), "Dazed and Confused," "Freddy Got Fingered," "Half Baked," "Midnight Run," "Monty Python & the Holy Grail," "Porky's," "Raising Arizona," "Slap Shot," "Super Troopers," "This Is Spinal Tap," "Tromeo and Juliet," and "Backdraft." Okay, what pattern is emerging here...um, well...it seems the only new(er) movies are "Freddy Got Fingered" and "Super Troopers." those are really the only recent movies i laughed out loud at. the rest in my stacks are all old as hell. well, i think i finally understand. maybe this is also how i can defend the tone of this blog!

judging by my meager selection of comedies in the middle of a vast, 600+ movie collection consisting mostly of horror and drama i come to two conclusions. either movies aren't funny anymore, or, as i've grown older, just like everyone else, i have simply lost my sense of humor.

::: david - 11:45 PM [+] :::
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