..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Saturday, March 27, 2004

"What do you think about sex?"
"Well, you have to be careful 'n all. Diseases."
"Mental diseases?"
- The House Of Yes


Sorry about the lack of writing. random thoughts from work:
dude comes to fix the toilet and leaves a pile of toilet parts on the floor as he's leaving. i'm like, "uh, what's up?" i'm told that the toilet has been vandalized and we're going to need a new one. that got me to thinking. remember when you were a kid? think back to how you usually "vandalized" something. what did you do? you pissed or shit on it. so i wonder if this dude was like, "someone pissed on this thing. you got any enemies around here?" or maybe he's opening up the toilet shute frowning and mutters, "there a bunch of shit crammed in here. clearly it's a Sicilian message..."

anyway. that shit made me laugh all day and no one understood what the hell was so funny.

so my step-brother sent me an email saying a mortar blew up where he'd been standing about five minutes earlier. like KT said, how do you respond to that? here's how dangerous my day was bro:

dropped my ice cream. do i pick it up? it's days like these when you need faith, i'll tell ya.
see what i'm saying? clearly that's a whole different world over there and the sooner you get the hell back stateside the better.

and hey, Moscow! if you got access to a sand-covered computer you got to tell me something. what's your numbers? you know, your squad or division or unit or whatever they call it? i've been running into all sorts of ex-Army types. Army brothers, Army girlfriends, Army of One Rejects, and that's the first question that they ask me when i say you're over there. and i have no answer and my one attempt to throw out some numbers was less than successful. i said "i think it's the "4077th" and they're like, "oh, so he's in Korea eh? serving with Hawkeye?" so give me some numbers so i don't start making them up. example:

"did you say he's in the seventy-seventeenth? what's that?"
"well, you heard of Special Forces? they ain't that special compared to these dudes. in fact, one of the "special" duties of Special Forces is to do the seventy-seventeeths laundry..."

oh, get this: at the bookstore this vacant-looking sorority bitch walks through the door with her mom, looks around and snorts, "this place is so gay. get your stupid book so we can get out of here." now i pride myself on being someone who's never hit a female. but i choked one once to get her to shut the fuck up and this would have been number two if i could have gotten away with it. actually, now that i think about it, i should have slapped the living shit out of her with a book. any book. gay or straight. hmm. slapped the "living shit?" what does that mean? what's "living shit" do? could it vandalize a toilet? hey, that reminds me of that phrase that's misused every goddamn day:

"i could care less."

"NO. (speaking in an impatient Hannibal Lector voice) You COULDN'T care less."

the Fotolog is finally working so i was able to post a picture from my sister's show. her band Blood Dumpster (not to be confused with "Blood Buckets" which is what i told everybody it was) put on a quality metal-mash complete with her reading her lyrics from various paperback novels. they came, she screamed, and the rest of the band wore red slaughterhouse jackets to cover the blood-stains. what more could you want? shit, i can't remember what books she had in her hand up there. anyone remember?

today i was reading a great article in Esquire (which normally irritates the fuck out of me) about how everyone should have a nemesis and an arch-enemy and the important differences between them. i had one of each and i'll tell you all about them after i go to the diner and get some eggs with hot sauce. mmmmmm.

::: david - 4:20 PM [+] :::
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