..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Saturday, December 27, 2003

"I am the lizard king! i can do anything! except fly."
- Chris Chelios


a moment of silence for the death of my leopard gecko "Chris Chelios" aka "Monkeyman" aka "Lobster Boy" aka "Lizard." lived a long colorful life. when i say colorful i mean that he changed colors, not that his life was action-packed. he didn't do much. sat on his tree, ate any creature that had a head smaller than his (that's why you should never feed a lizard a snake, it'll be hanging out of their mouth forever, like you freeze-framed "Lady and the Tramp" on the spaghetti eating scene) and every couple of weeks he shed his skin like the monster in the first "Alien" movie. i know i said that a "lizard was a pet with few rewards" on my drunken list and i still maintain that i put more into the relationship than he did. However, he entertained guests by gobbling down crickets and worms like popcorn and he will be missed.

when he was discovered stiff i wasn't quite sure what to do with him. made a little memorial shrine with an old picture, read his suicide note to his fans, then finally started the funeral arrangements. didn't want to flush him or throw him in the trash so i wrapped him the aluminum foil that was holding some Christmas banana bread and took him down to the Ohio River for a Viking Funeral (except i had no intention of lighting him on fire like the Vikings did) i stumbled around in the dark until i got as close to the edge as i dared and then i threw him off into the sky. the thing is...

i never heard him hit the water.

my headlights later revealed his silver casket to be nested at the top of a tree on the riverbank that's too thin and hanging too far out over the water to risk climbing. oops. turned out he didn't fly away after all. not much of a funeral i guess. with my luck they'll find a dead body back there and match the treads of my basketball shoes and i'll try to explain that i was creeping around the river to bury my lizard and after that alibi i'll be handcuffed and grilled under the light faster than you can say "it's Geico not Gecko!" the lizard in the tree would save my ass though:

"i swear officer, i was down there to bury my lizard."

"prove it."

"thought you'd never ask. we're going to need a helicopter..."

::: david - 2:46 PM [+] :::
...