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Tuesday, September 02, 2003

"i know you know i wanna know how i feel. i can't even tell."
-Soul Asylum

anyone who's having problems posting comments, sorry when they vanish. i feel your pain. you're comments are still there, they just keep blinking in and out of existence. i actually can see the comments after they vanish if i login to the service, they're just invisible to everyone else. so still post em if you want OR whoever has something to say and they don't want to put their thoughts into the unfeeling hand of technology, just email me instead. the address is up there. sorry but it's a crap system i picked and i ain't got the ambition to get a new one and i don't want to lose all my old comments cause that's how me and some of you punks actually met.

to answer one magically appearing/disappearing comment: i know i brag about my typing speed so let me clear up the controversy. yep, i'm the fastest typist alive. Guinness was just here and they left shaking their heads saying they'd put it in the 2004 World Record Book but no one would believe it and they're not taking any chances after the 2002 Bigfoot Scandal. now i know you threw down some numbers on your typing speed but to be honest i've never been timed.

of course, what are the chances of someone actually being able to clock my shit? it would take NASA working with NORAD working with NASCAR and still we might end up with another blackout like we had a couple weeks ago. you know what blackout was from? that was me. trying to send an email to the power company about my past due bill. that's the kind of shit that happens when i get near a keyboard dude! remember that scene in Firestarter where they kept putting shit in front of the little girl to burn? and she ended up torching some cinderblocks? that's what would happen if they tried to test my typing speed. there would be about ten dudes in white lab coats trying to stay out of the way and someone would end up getting hurt. i'd be in court getting sued over typewriter burns and i'd be sitting there at the defendents table with the court stenographer miming "call me" because she's wantin' to get close to a pimp with these kind of typing skills!

so to answer the question of how many words per minute, i have no idea. but i do know i can't be risking lives trying to harnass that speed. somethings are better left alone. you can't lasso the lighting baby! you can't ride a tornado! the crap i just typed? just now? here's what it looked like: imagine the end of a piano solo when the dude takes and finger and zzzzzzzip! runs it down all the keys. now take the videotape, play it back and hit fast forward. while it's fast forwarding, videotape the screen fast forwarding, now play THAT tape and fast forward. it's like that...only faster. POW! there i go again. and that's with my fucking toes yo! i haven't even mentioned my hands! i got a special typewriter made for my hands. it looks something like a church organ crossed with a Mars lander.

okay, let me illustrate my point with a cautionary tale:

when i was a little boy, i was over at COSI in downtown Toledo taking the tour and they had a big new science exhibit on the space missions and the history of the space program and, at the end of the tour, a special sattelite hook up to the shuttle that was currently orbiting. they drew names from all the tours that day to award someone the privilage of saying hello to the astronauts. and guess what? i drew the long straw and won the prize. They fired up some monitors and rotated some sattelite dishes and pulled out a special keyboard in front of me and said, "go ahead, say something!" well, i cracked my tiny little knuckles and my fingers started flying. suddenly the room turned red, the computers were flashing, 3 dudes in black suit and headsets screaming "shut it down!" as i'm being pulled out of the room i looked up at the screen above my head and...the rest is history.

so what i'm saying is, do we really want to risk more lives?

trivia for the day: there is more technology in a Furby than in the Apollo missions.

::: david - 6:47 PM [+] :::
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