..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

"The external jugular vein varies in size, bearing an inverse proportion with other veins in the neck, in rare cases it is sometimes double the size."
-Gray's Anatomy

"Hello darkness my old friend..."
-Simon or Garfunkel in a choke-hold

got my reality tv fix tonight with Making the Band II aka The Thrilla in Manilla! aka Choke-Fest 2003!!! Nes and Fred fought three, count 'em THREE times. first fight Nes went for the front-on choke while Fred was mid-sentence. nice move! however, Fred dug in with his feet like a linebacker and propelled them both into the wall where HE then turned the tables (or "flipped the script" as the kids would say) and started to choke out Nes. unfortunately the other people in the studio pulled him off. then, after much stalking around, chest-puffing and one-on-one talks with the camera where they promised more violence...we finally got round 2. this starts with (if i can read the bleeps right, i need to watch this show with a deaf person) Fred thinking Nes is talking about him at the bottom of the stairs and therefore declaring Nes a "motherfuckin' punk-ass bitch" which Nes vehemently denies, sincerely believing that no, it is Fred who is said "punk-ass bitch." like Madman Munk said in Barton Fink, "well, that led to an arguement..." Fred clears out the living room and pulls his shirt up over his head to show the camera his abs (hey, this reminds me of a true story from the Toledo trenches to tell y'all another time) and Nes finally puts his cigarette out, takes off his jacket and squares up to fight. he should have taken off his pants because they're around his ankles by the time it's all over. round 2 starts off with some jabs that don't hit shit and, like all fights, it ends up on the ground with Fred again choking the hell out of him. this choking session looks borderline fatal and i almost dropped my bowl of Raisen Bran leaning forward to watch. but it's eventually broken up after some intense music and shock editing and there's some disagreement about who won ("you whipped who's ass bitch!?!") so the third time's the charm! thank fuck for the number 3! for this fight, Fred rings the bell when he sneaks up on Nes and punches him...while his sitting on the couch! Beauty! Now i can pick a side! so they start brawling in the cramped hallway much like the Morpheus/Smith fight in Matrix. or maybe more like the Cage/Goodman fight in Raising Arizona. some actual punches connect and...oh no! my boy Fred gets stuck in a reverse headlock and it looks like this could be the end for him. this time Nes won't let go and after about a year of choking, i'm expecting Fred's head to pop off and bounce down the steps. alas, Nes is pulled off, Fred stumbles away, looking out of gas (he needed more fuel!) and it seems that's going to have to be the last fight. they declare they're brothers and they'll work on "making history with the music." now, i'll never buy the cd cause they can't rap for shit and i don't think that they realize that a death on one of these show would be the best way to insure they "make history."

still, these two boys can choke like the best of 'em. i haven't seen long angry chokes like that on TV since Radio Raheem tried to strangle Sal for smashing his Public Enemy tape. dude. i'm impressed as hell with the neck strength on these kids. unless the show's producers put electric-fence collars on these guys to keep them in the house, and i just can't see them under the chains, they sure can withstand quite a squeeze.

you know, that reminds me of when me and my friend Mark (the dude who found the zombie mall first, lucky bastard) were drinking and we took the electric-fence collars off my friend Otto's cats and slowly crept towards the property line with them on our bodies. it was the poor-man's Jackass. and i'm here to say, that shit works! as i got closer to the invisible line, i started getting nervous. i wanted to stay in the yard. i tried to come up with reasons to stay in the yard. more than anything, i just wanted to stop and sit down in that yard. i almost started digging under the invisible fence to try to avoid getting that shock. now, we just had the collars on our wrists and not our neck but still, it was like when you're sticking something in the fan until is just barely touches and you stop paying attention then BZZZ! the blades knock it out of your hand. i think the night ended with us finally wrestling each other over the invisible line, i don't remember. i do remember asking Otto what was wrong with his cat's tail and him saying "i don't know, she's chewing it off for some reason." hmm, i wonder what that reason is? if i had that much internal conflict about an invisible pain-inducing force field, i'd start chewing on my dick everytime i had to venture out to get the fucking mail.

anyway, that Making the Band show is alot of fun lately. if i was producing that show? and had a little control room in the house with tvs and buttons and knobs n shit? this is what i'd do: if i saw an argument starting over the dishes i'd hit a button to turn the heat up about ten degrees. then when they got nose to nose over not picking up that sock, i'd hit another button and release the bees. then, when the crowd gathered the roof would fly off and down would come the chainsaws and hammers and silly string and it would be fucking Thunderdome time baby! release the bees! that's what those shows need. more bees in those houses.

my car is making a horrible noise. i stood over it with the hood up and rubbed my chin looking concerned but the noise didn't stop. i'm out of ideas.

The Graduate is a masterpiece. did i say that last night? perfect movie. well, it has some problems but the tone is perfect. the music is fucking spooky. like you expect Ben to suddenly suck on a .38 or climb the clock tower. it could be this light comedy but there something lurking underneath and i find that movie oddly affecting every time i watch it.

i'm reading a book called "King Suckerman." it isn't as good as the title would lead you to believe.

::: david - 11:56 PM [+] :::
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