..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

"We got a long way to go, and a short time to get there."
-Smokey and the Bandit

"Did you know that, in some countries, pirate videos are considered a subversive act? They execute people for it. In Pittsburgh, who knows?"
-Videodrome

hey, does he mean pirate videos, or PIRATE videos? that could change the whole movie.

speaking of Sasquatches (Sasquatchi?) i hear that the next M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie is about bigfoots. not sure how i feel about that after his last snoozefest. i mean, i love bigfoots like the next guy but if it's at all possible to make a slow inspirational movie about bigfoots and loss of faith (!?!), i'm sure he's the man for the job. hell, he took a sure thing like an alien invasion and turned it into a quiet day in church. you know why they call him M. Night? because he rocks you to sleep like weed after Thanksgiving dinner. Someone must have decided that the name Mr. ZZZ was too fucking obvious.

speaking of alien invasions, anyone hear about how that Scare Tactics show is getting sued for the alien invasion prank they pulled. that shit is fucking FUNNY. they drove two marks out to the desert, then did the ole car-stalled-radio-freaking-out-light-in-the-distance-thing and had this huge dude in an alien suit (looked like one of the ones from the X-Files movie) scramble over and rip the doors off their car. i thought i was going to piss all over myself that was so goddamn funny. the guy in the back seat let out a squeal and ditched his girlfriend (ha! his true colors shining for millions to see). and she dumps her milkshake all over herself and heads for the hills. later she thought about it and decided to sue the show. not because she thought about how much she was scared, but because she thought about how stupid she looked on TV. big difference. you know, if i was doing that show, i would try to find a way to sucker her again. get her into a fake courtroom setting and have the judge tear his face off to reveal a skeleton or some shit to fuck her up some more. or have some zombies bust through the windows and then The Ghostbusters could show up to tell her she's on TV and point out the cameras. THAT would be funny. it could work. 2/3rds of the Ghostbusters aren't doing dick now anyway so they'd be available.

that Scare Tactics show though? flirting with GENIUS. think about it, where else do you get to find out how someone would react in the face of a real alien invasion, or a real bigfoot attack, or a real corpse in the fridge. okay, a lucky few might get to see a corpse in fridge someday but for the other stuff we have to take the word of pretentious fucks like Mr. Night. that's where this show comes in. instead of some preacher reflecting and flashing back on his faith and dull life-lessons in the face of killer aliens, you get some rave kids dropping a load in their shorts then running in midair like Scoobyfucking Doo.

speaking of dropping a load, i brought all my movies and cds to Pittsburgh to store them awhile and i had to rent a truck right? well, first a flashback to a lesson i learned that tested my convictions:

back in school i was late for class and was stuck in a construction bottle-neck on I75. i'm in front of a truck and behind a truck and to my left are more trucks who are all crawling along to keep the cars from being able to pass them before the highway turns into one lane. you know, i've tried to see it from their point of view whenever i start to lose my mind (maybe they do keep the traffic moving, maybe they are more frustrated with us than we are with them) but today i was boxed in like Kristofferson in Convoy and i was reaching for the AC pretending it was the flamethrower. i could see the exit i needed to get to about a half mile up ahead, so i'm trying to talk myself into just driving along the shoulder of the road to get there. now, i've been real angry when some car flies by on the right and i've smiled when someone cut them off so i'm hesitating. but then i figure, that bitch grad student who teaches my class told me that being late again would affect my grade so i figure that if i just put on my turn signal any reasonable driver will see my college sticker on my car, see the college sign at the exit and realize that i'm not trying to CHEAT and that i'll simply be one less car in this line that everyone will have to worry about. it's like i'm doing everyone a favor! the other cars should gently tap their horns and smile and wave as i head for the exit because i'm like a fucking hero in this situation.
that ain't what happened.

as soon as i head onto the shoulder of the road, the truck in front of me quickly swerves and blocks my path. fucker was QUICK, quicker than i ever would have thought possible. made me a little nervous. so i try the other way and zip! that truck whiplashes over there like a snake, blocking my path again. i start making these gestures to explain how i'm just trying to get to class and get out of everyone's way and that i will be one less car to deal with down at that blinking arrow but my shrugs and "c'mon dude" palms-up motions aren't getting through. plus, when dealing with a truck, you're only dealing with THE TRUCK. i'm a man in a windshied for all to see, but all i see in front of me is "truck." wheels and smoke and metal and hissing noises. so i can't tell if "it's" laughing or cursing because, just ask anyone in a Terminator movie, "you can't reason with a machine" anyway, this goes on for a while, me trying to get around the truck and the truck anticipating my swerving and blocking my way. it's like Riki Tiki Tavi fighting the Cobra, with my little Sunbird as the mongoose that got bit. at one point the truck is going so slow it almost stops and i jump out and walk on the road up to the cab (not knowing what i'd do if i got there, just needing to see the driver) and then it jerks and rumbles forward again. other cars honking as i run back to my car to play his game some more. finally i sucker the truck to swerve too far to the left and then gun it past him on the right. Free at last!!! i'm celebrating my victory by screaming obscenties out the sunroof and shaking my fist and swerving around the empty lanes (those trucks had cleared about three football field lengths of road in front of them with their blocking maneuvers, even though they were still a half mile from that flashing arrow. i was yelling all this shit at the trucks ("too slow motherfuckers! Victory!") and at the poor saps in the other cars ("i won't forget you! i'll send back help!") when i saw the cop behind me.

after much debate (me over-explaining things like the psychology of road rage, the history of 18-wheelers disregard for the law, the theory of the "Black Dog" from the movie of the same name, the destruction trucks caused in all twelve Smokey and the Bandit films, and the cop is just sighing and repeating, "i only saw you sir...i only saw you sir...i only saw you sir...) she ended up citing me for reckless driving and...no seat belt! i had my arms up like Chris Chelios protesting a penalty with blood on the end of his stick: "What?! Me?? I HAD to take off the seat belt to step out onto the road!" and during all this, the trucks had time to catch up and pass me again. my nemesis gave a nice big HONK! just say hello. the cop just shook her head when i said, "now, you think maybe that truck is the villain here, and it's STILL taunting me, or you think he just likes to honk at everyone you pull over?" she sighs, "I only saw you sir..."

so fast forward to me this weekend driving a yellow 20-foot rental truck from Rent-A-Wreck. i'm driving for hours and something disturbing starts to happen. maybe it's because you're higher up off the road in a truck, maybe it's because you have to use both hands on the wheel more often, maybe it's because you have to keep leaning forward to drive. i don't know. all i know is that soon i start to slip into trucker-speak when i'm arguing with Paul Harvey on the scratchy AM radio. and i didn't actually realize the change until the phone in my pocket rings and i answered it way out in front of my mouth instead of next to my ear. suddenly i was sporting a new Texas drawl and a "handle":

"this is Lemonade with a big bad bear report, we got a County-Mountie at the overpass and a Bear-In-The-Air, over! what's you're 10-40? come on back! oh. hi mom."

and i still thought (hoped) this was just some harmless goofing around on the phone to break up the long-ass drive...until i hit some construction on the turnpike. then it got serious. all my hatred for trucks was gone by the time i finally got to the exit and had to take my first wide right turn. i leaned over to see a tiny little car trying to sneak by. that's when i rolled down my window and announced to anyone who could hear:

"Hey! If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you!"

::: david - 1:14 PM [+] :::
...