..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Friday, November 10, 2006

"A plague on both your houses!"
- sassy dude in "Romeo + Juliet"


I take it back about Slayer's "Christ Illusion." in spite of an incredibly promising album cover that featured a bizarre bloody amputee jihad Jesus thing (?) the music contained inside is a bit...thin. maybe it's my headphones. i have always intended to upgrade my headphones, so maybe that'll fix it. as it stands now though, "God Hates Us All" is more fun, even without "Christ Illusion's" cute hot-air skull balloons (??)

so, on the radio i had fun playing quotes from "American Movie," "Life Aquatic," and "Anchorman" and combining them with random songs to see if something profound emerged.

sometimes that happened. as with "Steve, we think you've got Crazy Eye!" segueing into Gnarles Barkley's "Crazy."

sometimes it didn't. like with Mike in "American Movie" saying "that's a wicked ass toenail, dude!" followed by Tori Amos' "Ireland."

and sometimes it was just perfection, as with the "Samual Jackson Beer" skit off the Chapelle show ("they ate me!") followed by another "Jurassic Park" quote ("It's a Unix System!") then BAM! right into the song "Jackson" by Johnny Cash and his mistress. couldn't ask for any better combination of music and movie quotes.

gonna make that a regular feature since i've played to death the cds that Steve sent me in the 3:00 am feature "CDs That Steve Sent Me." lots 'o fun. except for the middle cd player sticking and fucking up two intros. and the computer was stuck on artist ID's ("hi! this is Billy Corigan! when i'm not taking the instruments out of my bandmates hands and insisting i play everything, i listen to WYEP where the music matters!") so i had to fumble with it a minute to set up the next program at 4:00.

speaking of smashing pumpkins! i played a shitload of 'em that night, and i tried to get people to name their favorite method of destroying their post-Halloween vegetables. nothing too mind-blowing, but a guy did tell me about how he wore a hollowed-out pumpkin as a makeshift Halloween mask and how disgusting it was. and how, at the party he went to, someone punched him in the face to cover his head in a nice explosion of pumpkin guts. as far as me smashing my pumpkins, i actually tried to set mine free down the Ohio River, still lit, in what had to be the most suspicious midnight riverside ceremony in history (hello, officer!) but it flipped over and the candle went out immediately. the best one was years ago when i slammed dunked one in a nearby basketball hoop...yep, still lit! okay, it wasn't really a slam dunk. more of a stumbling, fucked-up layup. but it still went in. can't say the same about any lay-ups i attempted in Jr. High. did i ever mention that our basketball coach actually coined a term with my name in it to show other team members what NOT to do? he called it having "Keatons on the feetins" and it meant that you got so excited about actually touching the ball, that you took two or three steps before you dribbled. some people call that "traveling," Coach Bartowski called it "Keatons on the feetins." of course, if i'd actually touched a basketball during a game, i might not have excitedly taken those three steps in practice, but i'm not bitter. i took out all my aggression on Sega's "Mutant League Basketball" anyway.

that quote up there from "Romeo + Juliet" (note the plus sign, that's your clue that yes, it's the Decraprio remake because the particular quote is screamed up at some storm clouds instead of just Mercutio whispering it before his death) is a tribute to the midterm elections and the ousting of some smug fuckheads from their comfortable jobs in both the Senate and the House. gotta love it. i just wish we'd quit hearing about this bipartisan, working-together bullshit. i want some punishment. payback. take the low road. you weren't elected to "reach across the aisle." make no mistake. you were elected to punish. get it done or the world will forget about Democrats all over again.

anyone watching "Dexter?" fuck the "Sopranos." i might have to get Showtime to keep watching that show. it's freakin' great. it wobbled a bit in the 3rd and 4th episodes as it tried to figure out what to do with its cast. and it's still a "Suspect Zero" rip-off without the annoying psychic "projecting." but this last episode was much fun and shenanigans. Dexter got ambitious and killed someone's wife along with the killer he was killing (madness!) and ended up having to run around his own police station covering his tracks and waiting for a 6-year-old to complete an artist sketch of him. very much like "No Way Out" actually, which ripped off "The Big Clock" which was also ripped off by Denzel Washington's "Out of Time," which also took place in sun-soaked Miami, i think. so the rip-offs come full circle, dude! and all this killer killing? what happens when someone finally kills a killer killing a killer! will they all cease to exist like "Back To the Future II" when Marty's met himself? all that math hurts the head. lets get high and watch "Primer" again! Marty!! actually watching "Primer" stoned might have made it make a little more sense. too bad i passed out before someone handed out the answers.

check out Rolling Stone last month for an article finally exposing the humor-free Dane Cook for the annoyingly unfunny fuckhead he is. ("Where's the Jokes!?" i think it's called) i was waiting for a backlash on that douchebag for a long time. now how about a backlash on that stupid "Stranger Than Fiction" movie? even though it's not out yet. but if i can judge a Slayer cd by its cover, i can judge this movie by it's preview. first off, the title's fucking lame and obvious. i can almost imagine some wide-eyed moron saying it all excited in my face ("get it! cause, like, truth is stranger and fiction!") second, this weak-ass plot was done in the 80s starring John Candy in a fucking soap opera or something. anyone remember that? AND, it tries to look like a wacky but profound Charlie Kaufman movie in the preview, making it the first official immitation. kind of like "Two Days in the Valley" was the first Tarantino rip-off. and "Footloose" was the first "Flashdance" rip-off. however, "Footloose" was way better because it had 25 music montage sequences AND a cop scraping Bacon's chin with a Quiet Riot cassette (a cassette?! what the fuck is that?!) after he says "is there a law against loud music!" yep!!! i always imagined Kevin getting tasered at that moment:

"is there a law against loud -- AAAAAAGH! Jesus Christ! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

anyway, what the hell was i talking about? oh yeah. "Stranger Than Fiction's" gonna suck. it's a Charlie Kaufman movie for people too stupid to watch Charlie Kaufman movies. fuck 'em. and now to completly destroy any movie credibility i might have been striving for:

i want to go see that movie "Harsh Times."

not just because it said "from the writer of 'Training Day'" (real sweet) and not because of the line in the preview, "I'm a soldier of the apocalypse!" (real stupid), but because the preview reminded me of the 5 minutes "British/American Psycho" boy was in the "Shaft" remake and running amok. of course Samual Jackson ate him for lunch, ("they ate me!") AND his defeat was so weak it almost seemed like an afterthought in that movie, but he was fun while he lasted.

the western's almost done. i know no one cares but me, but i feel these updates help keep me motivated. and i made a soundtrack for the script for anyone who wants to sit down and read it in one chunk. i'm trying to make a one-sitting reading of the script the exact length of this soundtrack. for no good reason except it's fun to do. and it'll be a good substitution when the script never sells and the movie never gets made. but it WILL be done this month. i just have to fix some shit.

i'm making all sort of cds like crazy these days. who wants one? is this illegal? i forget. okay, i'll make cassettes instead.

::: david - 12:06 PM [+] :::
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