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Saturday, May 20, 2006

"Well, ain't this place a geographic oddity?
Two weeks from everywhere!"
- "O Brother Where Art Thou"


i can’t wait for grad school to start. i’m going to raise my hand every five seconds. they’re going to hate me. i’m going to come to class with one of those hats where you pull the string and it claps big rubber hands. that’s how i’m going to raise my hand, by clapping my hat. i’m going to target some kid and contradict everything he says, even if he says the world is round. i’m going to make airplane noise all the way to my desk for a whole week. i’m going to pass notes to people who don’t want notes. the notes i pass will be maps of my back yard from 20 years ago and they will make no sense to anyone. maybe i will get caught passing a note to someone who doesn't want one and i will be forced to read my notes out loud to the class but instead i will diagram these notes on the blackboard in detail. i'm gong to bring apples to put on my own desk. early one morning, i’m going to put random, nonsensical math equations on the blackboard, and then time it so when the class assembles, i’m standing there solving one of them, dressed in a janitor's jumpsuit and holding a mop. then i will panic and run out the door, shoving them out of the way with my mop. i will come back dressed normal five minutes later. i’m going to come to class bouncing a basketball like Matthew Modine did in “Gross Anatomy.”

you heard about the goofballs watching "Wizard of Oz" while listening to to Dark Side of the Moon. cueing the cd up to start on the words “run rabbit run” when Dorothy scratches her crotch? well, this works much better:

watch "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" with the sound off, (captions on or off, they aren’t talking anyway), while playing Captain Beefheart’s “The Spotlight Kid” cue it up with the song “When It Blows It Stacks” right when Clint Eastwood stops chewing on that tiny cigar and flips it around in his mouth and yells “Ta da!” just like David Copperfield. it lines up perfect, i swear.

i am going to get an eye exam. these glasses are giving me headaches. as much as i'd like to get new glasses today, i have to save up a little for this purchase as the cocksuckers in office are killing me with these gas prices. when i say that our president is a "cocksucker" i don't mean that he's a jerk or something. it means he actually holds a set of balls in his hand while he takes a cock over his lips and into his mouth. then he proceeds to suck on it while fingering his own wrinkled asshole. thought i'd clear that up so there's no confusion.

and now that i've made clear my thoughts on "W," i can also safely say that the new Neil Young is awful artless crap. that "Let's Impeach the President" song sounds like complete ass. this dummy put a bunch of overdubbed voices or something on every line so you can't understand a word he (they) are saying. not that it's anything that sharp. the lyrics are the same shit we heard (said) years ago. you got to bring more to the plate than that Neil. someone made a good point when they said that you'd never hear Bruce or Dylan doing crappy songs like that. that's why Neil (This Bud's For You!) Young will always be 3rd string when it comes to protest music. it just sounds awful. anyone hear it? it's got the same tin drums from Metallica's St. Anger, mixed with high school lyrics and shit production. i hate to say it, but creepy little elfin Bright Eyes boy did it infinitely better on "When the President Talks to God" and he had a better punchline too. AND you could actually hear what he was saying.

so that shitty “Cabin Fever” movie actually gave me a good idea for the western i’m working on. in that movie the kids try to drink nothing but beer on a dare during their camping trip and one or two of them inadvertently escape getting the jungle-madness from the infected water because of this. this idea wasn't used to its potential, of course. and now i’m thinking that this town in my script that just ran out of water (it's too far away from water to escape from, maybe it's like two weeks in every direction, so once you're there you're stuck with whatever water it has...or something. i haven't worked it all out yet) maybe all the people are out of water and drinking up all the alcohol (and outhouse bucket water!) instead. and this, of course, makes them a tad more unpredictable. i’m talking the entire town. kids and dogs, too. all shit-faced. all with about 3 days to live. and the stranger comes to town all noble, looking for someone to save. good luck!

if it seemed like i was suggesting there's no god last post, i am here to say that i was wrong. you know why? because i came to work two days ago and found the show "Deadliest Catch" waiting on my computer for me to caption!!! praise the lord. i told my boss that i never thought i'd be able to put all my new crab knowledge to use and there i was getting paid for it. great show. i can't tell you about the one i captioned because the events it portrays haven't happened yet. see, we caption them before they EXIST, not just before they're aired. sorry.

AND it's a "Deadliest Catch" marathon right now on Discovery! see, this is how a computer graphic should be used. it shows you where the crab grounds are, where all the ships are, and there's a crab count to keep a running score or have a drinking game if you want. in recent movies, they're wasting computer graphics on fake waves, and even fake birds when there's plenty of real ones if they'd film outside the soundstage. so what do you want? a computer-generated fake wave tipping over a fake boat or a computer-generated cartoon crab showing you how the mouth is different on the breeds that aren't in season? and the computer crab looks like something a kid with crayons would draw and i never thought "that looks fake!" because i was too busy waiting to see if the guy with ice in his eyebrows slipped off the crane and died.

jesus christ. judging by this show, the ocean floor does NOT contain sand or coral or mountains or shipwrecks. it is simply a thousand-mile carpet of creepy, twitching crab critters. it must be. that's the only explanation for dropping a simple metal cage into the sea and then hauling back up a gigantic teeming mass of 300+ scuttling creatures. if you went down to the ocean floor, apparently you'd be covered in bug-like monstrosities like that scene in the new "King Kong."

only two episodes of The Sopranos left and i must say, it’s been weak. we got Brokeback gangsters saying shit like “I love you, too, Johnnycakes!” to their firefighter boyfriends (which comes across less like a daring move and more like desperate trend-chasing) we got kids avenging their dads...well, not really. payback for double-crossings...well, not really. Chris getting married and talking like an AA meeting. Paulie with cancer, quietly watching TV with his mom (action packed!), Tony getting angry...well, not really. i’m telling you, these last season episodes are so lazy. with the exception of the random and weary tits-and-ass shots in the club, this could be on network TV. it’s like these characters have been around so long, the writers are afraid to do anything drastic to them. the moment that woke me up to EXACTLY what’s wrong was when A.J. wimps out on stabbing Uncle Junior for shooting Tony, then exclaims “but dad, you’re favorite scene is when Al Pacino kills the guys in Godfather who tried to kill his dad!” and Tony’s like “it’s just movie!”

wow. how post-modern of them. does anyone else see how telling this moment is? how the problem has been identified in flashing lights on the side of a blimp above our heads?

THIS is just a movie, too! well, a cable show, anyway. see what i’m saying? there should be moments on THIS SHOW where some idiot in the real world cites it as his favorite scene and inspiration for not having the guts to do something. if i wanted to watch a bunch of people NOT doing shit, i’d look out my window. they’ve got two episodes left to do this right. remember the good ol' days when fish were talking to delusional guilt-stricken Tony? or when he stapled (!) that guy and threw away the stapler in the dumpster after wiping it for fingerprints? THAT'S how the show should reference a movie gangster-type situation. this shit would be so easy to fix. if one more person on this show starts to do something interesting, then hesitates and doesn’t, just so that the screenwriters can smugly slap each other on the back for being so (gasp!) realistic, i’m going to give up and spend my Sundays looking around for a western-themed porn called “Fistful of Fingers” instead.

hey, it’s a nice day out there. i’m going to go down to the river and see if there’s any drug-smuggling pirates like were portrayed in “Striking Distance.” did i already mention that movie was filmed right outside my window on this stretch of water? i still haven't noticed any crazy riverboat Police Patrol solving any mysteries, or leaping onto any hijacked garbage barges for that matter. i suspect that there aren’t any drunken cops tearing up and down this river looking to solve any crimes at all. just a random pumpkin or two bobbing along every October.

p.s. you know, i’d probably buy the new Tool album if it didn’t come in a fucking Viewmaster.

::: david - 2:22 PM [+] :::
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