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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

"How many hoary-bearded elders of the church have whispered wanton words to the young maids?"
- Nathaniel Hawthorne "Young Goodman Brown"


let me just start this off with two blasphemous statements:

first off, asking a stranger if they are "a Christian" is the same as if you're asking them if they fucked someone in the ass.

and second, i have found a quality reality-based show.

i'll come back to the Christian thing in a minute. the show is called "Deadliest Catch" and it is, quite simply, the shit. imagine that crap movie "Perfect Storm" without the stupid computer-generated waves and the weeping "going down with the ship" clichés. remember the cool five seconds in that movie where they were actually fishing? where they were hanging off the ship and accidentally hooking each other in the face and pulling in giant plastic robot fish? well, that's the whole show. it's like someone did you the favor of removing all the Oscar moments and emoting and plot bullshit and just showed you the cool shit. namely, fishing (with the occasional graphic to explain why they seem to be throwing away half their crabs) you see, "tanner" crabs bad, "opie" crabs good. true story, i actually went to the gas station just now to get a can of tuna and some sardines to make some sandwiches i was so inspired. they just went to a commercial with one of the crew members holding what appeared to be an AK-47 yelling, "this is how i deal with my anger!" how can you ask for more? the only thing that would make the show better is if they occasionally hung the ship upside-down from a giant hand and tried to shake the weary, grizzled, ice-encrusted crewmen off the deck.

oh yeah, i almost forget. has anyone else noticed this? people have suddenly grown balls big enough to ask strangers if they're "a Christian." whatever the fuck that is. i've heard at least 3 people tell me how someone has come up to them and asked this loaded question after they've witnessed what they've apparently judged to be inappropriate behavior. one woman asked this question to my stepdad after she spotted the skulls on his motorcycle. one woman asked a friend after she noticed the pentagram on her shirt. one woman asked another friend after she noticed a friend's anti-Bush bumper stickers. what do all these things have in common? well, i'm guessing these stupid bitches have grown bold as they're cozy in the current right-wing climate and decided that they can look over their glasses and "tsk" at their fellow man. and the arrogance to ask such a personal question boggles the mind! does someone really have the time to tell these sour-faced, withered twats their life story at the gas pump? i mean, you say "yes" and you sound like you're folding under their disappoving gaze, you say "no" and you've admitted to being "eeeeevil!"

i firmly believe that this question they're so innocently asking is much more intrustive than asking a stranger if they fucked someone in the ass. actually, it's more intrusive than asking a stranger if they fucked a DOG in the ass. i hope (pray!) some fucking dunce asks me that question if they spot my goofy 2 dollar fish-with-feet sticker on my bumper. i hope they have somewhere to sit because they'll get my version of sermon AND a puppet show!

BONUS SCAM!

here's a quick lesson about how to punish a store for fucking with you. i bought a cd a while back and didn't notice it was edited until i played it on the way home and the first skipped word made me scream and punch the roof of my car. but the fuckers wouldn't return it since it was opened, so i sold it for scrap and filed that grudge away in my head. so when i noticed that my my ex had left a bunch of her empty cd cases at my apartment (since she had this big cd folder and never looked at the cases or booklets) i noticed the empty case for a cd i wanted:

-took that empty case and went back to that store.
-bought a copy of the cd from them.
-went to my car and put the new disc her old case.
-walked right back in with their empty case and receipt.
-said to the clerk all distressed:

"hey! there's no cd in here!"

and they were like, "those damn kids! someone must have stolen it. was it sealed?"

and i was like, "i was in such a hurry to listen to these fresh beats that i didn't even notice! (head in my hands) whatever shall i do?!?"

and this woman was like, "go get another one, sir!"

and i was like, "okay! i sure hope i hear someone bust some rhymes soon, ma'am!"

and then i walked around the sporting goods section twice to make it seem like i was really looking for another one, then i came back all confused, head down, saying:

"that was the last one! now what?? i'm out of ideas! i guess i'll just stop listening to music..."

and she was like, "i'm sorry, sir. here..." and she gave me my money back.

then i drove home listening to my new cd compliments of my ex's empty case and that bullshit store's new free cd program for people that didn't get to return an edited one three years ago.

just watched "Hostel." it blew. watched "Constant Gardener" before that. it blew.
watched some Iclandic movie called "Noi" before that. it was good. it had some kid
shotgunning icicles (their idea of being a redneck)

speaking of...this guy on "Deadliest Catch" is shooting at the water! why?!? is there a giant squid?!? does he have "arctic madness!?" now someone else is swinging a pipe at a stuffed animal hanging off a crane while the rain bounces him off the rails! fuck! is that the last episode tonight??? now what? what else is on. whoa. fuck that. i sure ain't watching "Chain Reaction" (looking around sheepishly)...again. seriously, this fishing stiff is perfect television. could do without the Bon Jovi theme song, though.

::: david - 1:14 AM [+] :::
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