..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Thursday, March 23, 2006

"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's real busy, you'd have to run up to him fast to give it to him."
- Deep Thoughts


since i'm using all my energy to finish a short story and a new script, i'll post some random thoughts:

- you know you have some cds that you can't seem to ever get rid of because you think you might still listen to them someday? no? well, i do. and now i know exactly when to get rid of them. right down to the second. here's when:
it is time to stop listening to a band as soon as you hear their song in a commercial.

- last night i drove past my apartment after work. i forgot one turn so i just kept going. i ended up in some shithole called Freedom. i didn't want to make "Freedom!" my stop, although the highway signs that said "Turn Right for Freedom" were pretty funny, so i went two more towns. ended up in New Brighton. another shithole. i parked in what appeared to be the center of town and watched people walk around looking at glowing phones. not talking on them, just looking at them. that reminds me of something. i'll come back to that.

- you know why this generation of prescription drug abusers annoys me so much? i figured it out the other day when i was waiting in traffic. this is so true. ready? it's because they think they're a bunch of counter-culture 60s types, but you know what? i don't think anyone who was getting high in the 60s ever went to such pains to explain that they only have the vicoden or o.c.s or whatever because, like, they hurt their back or their leg falling off a ladder in a car wreck, like, a year ago, and their mom knows a guy who knows a guy who works at the drugstore and blah fucking blah. shut the fuck up. i say, if you want to crush that shit and put it up your nose, enough with the six hour explanation. what a pathetic new trend. more proof that these kids are a bunch of fucking pussies who don't even know what a vice is supposed to be. might as well be running around snorting Flintstone's chewable vitamins. fuck all of you.

- i was captioning a show about counting cards in Vegas and i realized that it's incredibly easy to do. when Rainman does it, we're supposed to be all impressed but all you need is a huge amount of money to take alot of losses early and you can eventually win.

- hey! want to see something funny? friend just sent me this. remember that clip of "The Shining" that was re-edited as a feel-good trailer? here's one for Jaws that's high-larious.

- it's hard to adjust to the every-two-week pay cycle after getting paid every week, or under the table, for the last 15 years.

- when you read about what the Aztecs believed or what the Incas believed, don't you think there was, at least, a couple of people back then that didn't believe it? just the way they always say, "and these people believed that the moon was a giant God nostril" always makes it sound like it was everyone, without exception. but there had to be someone back then that realized how stupid it was to worship the weather. right?

- oh yeah, people and their phones. here's an open letter to people that don't answer their phones...answer your fucking phone. i know at least five people like this. they sit there and open and check their phone every three seconds, but they always let their phone go to voicemail when it rings. see, i know you're thinking i'm a hypocrite but not only do i not answer my phone, i don't check it either. in fact, it's almost always under the couch so i don't even have to hear it ring. ask anyone who's been over here. but all these people are so fascinated by their phones you'd think they just invented them yesterday. if you have a phone on you that you're stroking all day, why can't you answer it? especially when i call. do you think i'm going to keep you on the phone or something? trust me, i'm calling for a reason. i'm not going to tell you knock-knock jokes. if i know you have a cell phone and i call and you don't answer it, i'm instantly insulted. it's not like you're not fucking home. oh, that's right. the kids are text-messaging these days instead. sorry, i forgot. next time i'll text-message instead 'cause i love to drive off a cliff at Mach 2 while i try to do it. text-messaging. just another passive-aggressive invention.

- a friend of mine was reading "Nickel and Dimed," which i liked, but it made me want to read "Rivethead" again. it's real good. especially the stuff about the guy in the cat suit wandering through the factory promoting safety and how traumatic that would be to see.

- is it just me, or is "The Sopranos" getting a little...abstract? too many dream sequences, not enough of Tony choking Christopher.

- a while back i moved across the hall to a bigger apartment. but before i did, i would go over to this bigger apartment when it was empty and i would just hang out and look out the window and lay on the floor. i just liked pretending it was mine or something. not because it was bigger but because it was empty. now she's gone and it's just me over there (here) and it's kind of empty and it gets depressing sometimes but you know what? it's not empty enough. luckily, the smaller apartment that i moved OUT of is now empty again. how about that shit? so i can go back across the hall and sit over there. at least until someone moves in or they lock the door. wierd ain't it? it's like coming full circle or the snake eating its tail or...or maybe, for some reason, it's just comforting for me to pretend that i'm sitting on the floor in an abandoned building.

::: david - 12:50 PM [+] :::
...

"One plays with books, the other plays with guns..."
- Highwayman 2


a warm night. got my windows open, bare feet on the window sill, listening to music. it's a good night. but you know what? i thought the first Highwayman album had nutty lyrics. that's nothing compared to the second one. check out that song up there. how does someone "play" with books? i understand that the kid playing with guns is supposed to be the crazy one but any kid that plays with his books instead of reading them is clealy insane. i'd rather my kid played with guns instead of trying to wear a book like a hat or pretending the book was a car. you might be wondering why i bought Highwayman II if i was making fun of Highwayman I. because i'm fucking stupid, that's why. and i've run out of Johnny Cash so i have to check out his side projects. even side projects that aren't really side projects. like the bizzare neo-Johnny Cash cameo in the movie The Punisher. what kind of happy horseshit was that??? but yeah, i had a good weekend. getting used to these weekends off. sunday good, saturday good. friday good but i got three words for you: wish i knew her in Boston. that's all i'll say about that. makes sense to me anyway.

hey, just remembered a little morality tale from earlier today:

first, i watch this girl ringing up my sandwich steal the money instead of put it in the drawer, then i sit in my car eating the sub and dwelling on it long after i've digested. why do i care?

here's how she did it. she looks around then hits no sale on the register, then drops my money in, but no receipt pops out. she hands me the bag and slams the drawer and smiles "thank you, sir" and i stood there for an extra second and then walked out. i felt weird, like she stole from me, but there i am walking away with the sandwich i paid for so that's not really accurate. and i don't think i'm capable of ratting anyone out, so it's not like i have the urge to tell her boss. hell, maybe her boss is a real cocksucker that deserves worse that shady employees. see, that bothered me the most, the fact that i thought i might be angry because i wanted to get her fired. i was reminded of this one girl who told me how she got the pizza dude fired because she saw him pissing behind the dumpster after he delivered her pizza. she called and told his boss what she saw and the guy said he was going to fire him for it. she told me this story all proud and i said to her, "you dumb bitch, why the fuck do you care if he pisses behind a dumpster?" and she was furious at me for not seeing what a good deed she thought she'd done. i told her that if i was that pizza dude, i would have waited a year, got another pizza job in the area, then calmly waited for her to order food again so i could sprinkle her pizza with firm, cajun-seasoned shit. then, after she ate it, she'd find a sealed envelope under the crust with a list of ingredients so she knew exactly what she ate and why. then i'd piss on her dumpter. then i'd run. 'cause i hate people like that. people who get pleasure in tattling on others. i've just always hated people who find joy in that kind of thing. so, if you're reading this right now, and you wish that you could get this girl in trouble, you might be one of those people. and i might hate you. but the fact that i was all frowning when i ate my sandwich made me want to analyze my feelings further, to make sure i didn't want to tell on her. and then, on the drive home, POW! it hit me. i figured it out:

i was disturbed because the girl who pocketed the money thought she was fooling ME. that's all there is too it. i don't give a fuck if she broke any rule or law or ripped off her boss, i wouldn't care if she was a maniac making the sandwiches with humans, i was simply angry that she thought I was tricked. i should have asked for a receipt just so she knew i knew. that's what i should have done, but i didn't. anyway. i'll see if she does it again tommmorrow. i'm guessing she did it because i got some cookies with my sandwich and it made for a nice round number with no change. i'll try it again with the cookies, just for fun.

so my new job gave me a pair of hockey tickets? this secretary came over to my desk and smiles and hands me this envelope with my name on it. inside, two $50 tickets to the Penguins vs. Devils game. i asked my boss why and he said they do that sometimes just to be nice. they just pick a name randomly, i guess. how 'bout that shit? what's next? i get up some morning and my boss is making me scrambled eggs?

me- "how the hell did you get in here???"
boss- "you won the raffle!"
me- "where's your pants?!?"
boss- "don't scream..."

could happen.

p.s. a brief note about my jealousy of musicians. i've always said that if i could have any skills, i'd change nothing about myself, and i'd wish for the same skills that i already have. except for one thing. i wouldn't mind playing music. this probably stems from my Jr. High friends kicking me out of their band at least twice. and you go to the bars and you see guys in a band and they get to be king for a day up there and i think, that's be sweet. buy you know what? i don't really want to switch places or switch skills with them. you know why?

because when they get done playing and the dude's standing there like everyone else without a guitar in his hand...he's just some asshole.

::: david - 12:14 AM [+] :::
...

"Take them on your own until you die..."
- "Still Suspicion Holds You Tight" - B.R.M.C.


had an excellent show at WYEP last Wednesday night. i think i'm really getting into a groove over there. i'm getting used to the new studio and i'm getting used to the tasks i have to do while i dj so i'm starting to really concentrate on the content of the shows. here's some of the stuff i was babbling about and the responses i got. i actually took the time to write out a bit of a program beforehand this time! here's highlights from the transcript:

"tonight's show is dedicated to the art of stalking. lately i've stumbled across way too many movies about the subject to ignore the message i'm being sent. first "Talk Radio" was on cable, about the radio show guy killed by one of his listeners (a crazed neo-nazi with a strangley girly voice), then the "Fisher King" was on after that, about a radio show guy who inspires a listener to kill someone (and also inspires others to hallucinate that they're seeing fire-breathing red knights on horseback instead of kids with baseball bats in a jeep. then, at work, i have to do the captions for the story of an overnight talk show host who is brained in her garden (with a BB gun?) by, possibly, an avid fan! then, as if that wasn't enough creepiness, i come home last night and guess what's on? "Play Misty For Me." starring Clint Eastwood as a guy named Dave (true story!) who does an overnight radio show and gets some crazy stalker hanging out in the trees and stabbing his pillows and hacking up his wall-size portraits of himself when he's busy rounding up poetry (???) to use on his overnight radio show..."

(so then i start playing some of the stalker music i brought with me, mostly stuff that had been suggested by friends ("Restraining Order Blues" by the Eels was a real good choice) and the half-hearted stalker calls started coming in. several people starting off their phone call by whispering all spooky, but then they'd fuck it up by giggling and requesting Eminem's "Stan." here's some of the music i played that i can remember)

-"Take Take Take" - White Stripes
-"Possom Kingdom" - The Toadies (it's about vampires!)
-"Please Please Please" - Muse
-"Rottweiler Blues" - Warren Zevon
-"Simonize" - Pete Yorn

(and also some requests i can't remember)

"so this is what i've decided i need. i need a stalker. if i'm going to do this show in the middle of the night, all alone, with the cats howling as i creep to my car, why don't I get to have someone lurking in the shadows? so, okay yeah, this is hopefully going to get some people to request some songs they think are creepy, but if it also brings a dangerous stalker into my life, i say, FINALLY. judging by these movies, you just can't pretend you've had an impact with your radio show unless you got someone sitting on the hood of your car at the end of the night with a flower and shotgun in their hand. it's a badge of honor for a good radio show host. so please. stalk me. or at least try to scare me. is there no one out there crazy enough to latch on? think about all those interviews after the stalker finally attacks. the friends and neighbors are all like, 'he was a good dj but i don't think he was sending out those signals.' see, you won't hear anything like that. this time you can be interviewed after my death and say, 'actually, it was only a matter of time, not only did he send out the signals that he wanted a stalker, the stalkers that he might have had acquired through the natural order of things probably got scared away by his aggressive recruiting.'

(at this point the calls started coming in faster, but not any scarier. plus people kept requesting that shit song "Stan." everyone thought that song was the shit back then but have you heard it lately? now that you know Eminem's only contribution to the song is stupid pencil scribbling noises and the occasional "what?" fucking horseshit. he will not stand the test of time. i'd rather listen to Snow. also played that Eels song at this point.)

-"Restraining Order Blues" - The Eels (check out the lyrics, ("Judge made it clear I can't be near...everybody knows that i'm not a violent man...just a man who knows he's in love." holy shit that's scary. "Hello hospital!" - Homer Simpson)
-"Doorbell" - White Stripes
-"I'm Afraid of Americans" - David Bowie
-"Please Please Please" - The Smiths
-"Woke Up This Morning" - Leonard Cohen
-"Sick Girl" - Social Distortion

(and more requests i wrote down somewhere else and now i can't find)

"so who's out there, flipping the lights on and off while they crouch in the corner with their copy of Catcher in the Rye? i know, i know. i remember when having that book was all you needed to be nuts. but you got to do better than that these days. hell, that book is a major plot point in a Julia Roberts movie. you have to go the extra mile. leave the couch. wouldn't you rather be on one of these telephone poles outside my window, wearing a rabbit costume or something? maybe that's what i need. one of those matchmaker websites where they find you the perfect match but instead it would be where they pair you up with the perfect stalker. i had a stalker when i first started this show but all she did was call in to whisper her requests so that her sleeping boyfriend couldn't hear her. in the stalker world that's what is known as a "tease," she did not make the commitment to follow me home or send me a note threatening my pets made up of words cut from magazines.

(at this point i think that girl called and hung up on me. then some more half-ass whispering drunken phone calls. and The Police "Every Breath You Take" quickly took the place of "Stan" as the most obvious and requested song.)

-"Where'd You Go" - Dinosaur Jr.
-"Every Breath You Take" - The Police
-"What's He Building?" - Tom Waits
-"Please Please Please" - Braid
-"Intruder" - Peter Gabriel

-then some "Boogie Hustlers" request.

(...and with the quality of the calls slipping, i told the listeners that any love song could be thought of as a stalker song if you pulled a random line out of it and read it out of context, so just request anything you want. also i took the time to educate them on how to correctly stalk someone over the phone...)

"okay, there's a formula to the stalker phone call and i'm going to help you out. just whispering or hanging up ain't cuttin' it. here's how to do it. first, you need to read some kind of random quote that only means something to you. you'll be tempted to read a violent quote from a horror novel or quote a movie you think is creepy but DON'T. the key is to read a random quote from a normally unthreatening source like a children's book. this is much creepier. then, after the quote, you say something that only i know, to show that you're making the effort to actually stalk me. then you tell me to look over my shoulder or check the children and THEN you hang up..."

(incredibly i got some calls that did just that. first someone described the bizarre water-free eco-friendly toilet that they have at the WYEP building, something i've talked about before on the air, then they requested some Asia. but the best was the girl who read from The Prophet and then...attempted to read me my own license plate number! spooooky! they got it wrong but they did correctly identify it as an Ohio license plate. but then they blew it by requesting "Stan." more songs...)

-"The Beast In Me" - Johnny Cash
-"Push That Hand Away" - The Toadies
-"On Your Side" - Pete Yorn (who woulda guessed he had so many creepy tunes)
-"Come To My Window" - whatshername (request)
-"Still I Dream of Your Kiss - Lucinda Williams (another request, these two songs prove that, yes, lesbians can be successful stalkers too!)

"so put down that high school yearbook and stop circling the pictures of all the people that wronged you. make ME your target. jump out out the bushes when i'm fumbling with my car keys. in the movies, that's how it's supposed to work. i drop them in a puddle, the music starts, and can't find the right key and BAM out comes the ether! or just give me some more threatening phone calls. i'm getting sleepy. if i fall asleep you can write something scary on my face. call 412-381-9900. i'm here all night. oh, by the way, you're probably just all locked-up thinking too much about the stalker paradox, aren't you? (the paradox is, of course: if you kill me..you can't stalk me!) i know, i know. does that drive you even more insane? see, that's why people keep heads in their freezers, so you can try it again. but don't let that make you lock-up and not act. i need you, you need me, i'm here till four in the morning. if you want, just call me and share stories of your first stalker. everyone remembers their first, don't they? hell, back in my day we'd have three or four each. and goddammit, we were thankful..."

(then the lines were dead for awhile because it is like 3:00 am on a Thursday so i played some random music and tried a new tactic)

"okay, i tried to dare you, to taunt you into being my stalker and now i realize that i'm going about it all wrong. i think the key is that i have to reach out indirectly so that you feel like we're buddies and therefore want to put me in a jar in your basement. so i'm here if you just want to talk. oh, and i have to run out to my car to grab more cds. i sure hope there's no one in my backseat to pop up suddenly so that i see them in the rearview mirror and scream. sure hope that doesn't happen..."

(it went on like that. i'd taunt them, they'd request some music, make monster noises in the phone, request music i couldn't find. oh yeah! then someone DID call and request "Misty!" and, because i had already downloaded and burned a copy of it just in case, i played that shit! well, i played the first minute or so and got sick of it, but it was kind of like a prize for whoever called in and was doing the Dr. Lector imitation and requested it. here's to ya!)

-"Misty" (first third)
-"Intruder (german version) - Peter Gabriel
-"Eggs of Satan" - Tool
-"Fingerprint File" - Rolling Stones (request)
-"Excitable Boy" - Warren Zevon (believe it or not, a request)
-"That Barry Adamson Song Where The Girl Is Stalking Him" - Barry Adamson

(then i ran out of stalker songs and played whatever until it was over)

it was a blast though. mixed in some quotes from the movies "Anchorman" and "Super Troopers" that actually fit the theme. or, at least, sounded good right before i played a song. example, from "Super Troopers"...

"I swear to god i'll pistol whip the next person who says 'shenanigans'!"
then POW i play something by the Chieftans! they're Irish, right?

and i'm starting to really get a following. there's some 2nd and 3rd shift working stiffs that listens regularly and actually call in and say how they're enjoying the show. that's very satisfying, especially when it's getting real late and the calls are slacking off and i'm the only one in the building and you really do start feeling like the last man on earth over there. so i'm thinking this is going to be a good fit. even with my new work schedule, i'm going to put even more creative energy into this thing and see if i can get the show on in more bars. so far i've gotten calls from 2 bartenders who say they play the show until they close up, and one who says she's going to try to make her boss play it. anyway, thanks for listening to anyone who heard about it here. even though it seems like the listeners and the bloggers aren't aware of each other. hey, wait. i'm going to go back through and put down what i remember from the set list. of course, by the time you read this...the songs will already be up there! so forget i just said that! it's like the "Bill and Ted Technique" or all of the "Back to the Future" plot problems! Marty!

::: david - 9:41 PM [+] :::
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