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Monday, January 30, 2006

"She said there's gonna be a time when i'm gonna have to go with whoever's gonna get me the highest."
- The Hold Steady


took a urine test for my new job and found it too be a very nerve-wracking experience. not because there were any drugs in my system but because i drink a shitload of water every day and it turns out that too much water in the sample can be considered "diluted" and sent back as they assume that you must be hiding something. this didn't happen to me but i was paranoid that it would when i started reading the fine print. see, i found a place near me that does the testing but they closed earlier than the first one i was going to go to so i call and the girl says "come on down but make sure you can urinate because we hate when people come in at the last minute and can't do it!" so i slam three mugs of water and run out the door. i get there with 10 seconds to spare and piss in her cup (bragging "you got five more cups, i'll fill those too!") and she holds it up to the light and says "hmmm, they might send this back because it's so clear." i'm like, "you just told me to drink a bunch of water genius." and she says "well, maybe they won't. never mind." so i go home thinking goddammit, why the hell do they tell you to drink a bunch of water and they tell me it'll fuck up the test...etc. etc. so i start reading shit on the internet (mistake) about these people failing drug tests just for watching the movie "Half-Baked" or singing along to a Cypress Hill song and how people usually shave their heads so they can't do a hair test on them. i start thinking hey, i just shaved my head yesterday AND i drink water! i am the most suspicious man in the history of the planet!!! i will never be hired again with my head and my twelve gallons of clear piss that pours forth like a pure Arctic stream!!! anyway. i passed it.

ran into the girl that i took to this reading. hard to believe that people actually passed out during that story but i swear it happened.

my friend Steve sent me come cds and i'm going to feature them on tonight's radio show. at least two of them, The Hold Steady and Cerluean or whatever the hell it's called. what's up with the guy from The Hold Steady though. he says "hoodrat" about twenty times. he's like Cypress Hill's obsession with the mythical "Captain O'Malley." and i had an idea for the radio show. one that involves a promotional hyperlink essay-slash-newsletter combined with a short story. i should have it done very soon. i'm trying to limit the links to one page worth.

i don't know what's more hilarious, people falling for the latest carefully-timed Bin Laden threat (what a shock, Repulicans looking like shit? BAM! new threat! let's pull together! never mind that Bin Laden is wearing parachute pants, we swear this tape is recent!) OR the fact that every sorry bastard that gets a missile up his ass in Iraq was second in command. how many seconds-in-command is that now? like nine? is that Arabic math? it's like Yogi Berra when he said half the game is ninty percent mental. even the numbers on the game Stratego make more sense that this chain-of-command. people are so fucking gullable they deserve to have this moron as their President.

as a tribute to the death of Nice Guy Eddie from "Reservoir Dogs" i am currently watching all three Sean Penn directed movies. "Indian Runner," "The Crossing Guard" and "The Pledge." i think they're all excellent, even though none of them have Chris Penn screaming, "stop pointing that gun at my dad!"

::: david - 11:34 PM [+] :::
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