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Saturday, January 28, 2006

"I was a highway man...with a sword and pistol by my side..." (???)
- Highwayman

"I light fires! It's what I do!"
- Kurt Russell


I don't know about you, but those lyrics sound like some mad trucker roaming the turnpike hauling a semi full of skulls. what the fuck? i bought this cd because i was going through a Johnny Cash phase (no it wasn't inspired by that movie, it was inspired by another movie, the "Dawn of the Dead" remake, where they use "The Man Comes Around" in the opening credits to great effect) and i saw there was this album call Highwayman by Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson (aka the Drunk Santa Claus from the "Blade" movies) Willy Nelson and some other asshole. the song titles were all these epic story titles like "Plane Wreck at Los Gatos" and "The Last Cowboy Song" and it had this album cover with all these guys heads on Mount Rushmore (kind of like that Fox news billboard that i vandalized. i mean, that i would have vandalized if it wasn't illegal. by bragging about vandalizing it here after actually putting Hitler moustaches on Sean Hannity and his fellow cocksuckers it insures that i didn't actually do it. that's what's know in court as the "double bluff" defense!) so i thought maybe it would be a big epic swaggering album? right? wrong. it's all twangy 'n country-fied 'n shit. and the title song seems to suggest time travel (?) and, worst of all, it has Johnny Cash saying this line:

"I fly a starship across the universe divide..."

i thought he was off drugs by then? and, of course, saying he flies his starship "across" the universe suggests that there's an end to the universe. if that's the case, what's on the other side duuuuuuuuuude! sorry to report that the Highwaymen just ain't no Bucketmen.

time out. "Donnie Brasco" is on TV right now and here's two HUGE reasons why this movie sucks ass:

1.) there is a scene where Johnny Depp is undercover helping the goombas dispose of a dead body and there's this quick shot of him sawing through a leg. but if you look close, he sawing through a cowboy boot that's still on the guys foot. this is stupid for a couple reasons. first, it's a pussy way to get around showing violence in the movie and to keep that character likable since he's cutting clothes and not flesh. and second, it makes no sense whatsoever because they're pressed for time and no one would ever cut through a boot when you could just take it off.

2.) i remember back when this movie came out, the FBI guy the movie was based on, Joe Pistone or something, was all over the news acting like he's Serpico because they made a movie about his weak, action-free book. and he said Johnny Depp was hanging around with him for awhile and then, when the movie was released Joe's dumb wife and equally dumb mother both said, "Johnny Depp really studied Joe's behavior because when i watched the movie it's like i was seeing Joe!" okay, here's the thing. Johnny Depp acts like a ridiculous stereotypical post-Goodfellas Italian in this crapfest. actually he's even worse. everything's exaggerated like an 80's gangster movie (except there's NO ACTION) so this leads me to a couple conclusions. Joe Pistone himself probably acts like a stereotypical dumbass because he desperately wants to be like the caracatures he sees on TV OR Johnny Depp just decided to go with this silly performance because the real-life and fictional character of Joe Pistone has nothing interesting to offer and his mother and wife somehow think that a movie made about Joe means he's this important historical figure with distinct accomplishments and mannerism who actually CAN be copied. and how about the scene where Johnny Depp slaps his wife? was she as proud of that? did she laugh and say, "that so like Joe!" Joe Pistone aka Donnie Brasco didn't do SHIT. the tagline should have been, "what if a man went undercover and nothing happened?" and his life story is weakest undercover story in the fucking history of crime.

okay, sorry. distracted by the TV. no wait, here's a third reason the movie Donnie Brasco sucks:

3.) that stupid speech they made about the word "Fugazi." because i happen to like the band Fugazi and now i'm reminded of this piece of shit when i go to listen to a Fugazi record.

oh yeah, i got a new job. see, i'll only complain about a shitty job for a year before i finally get off my ass and get another one. stay tuned for my huge list of "Things I Won't Miss At My Old Job!" the new job starts in a week. i finally get to use skills i've developed from typing unpublished fiction and screenplays all these years. i'll be doing subtitles and captioning for mostly the Discovery Channel's shows. Other shows too (i was warned that they do "Gilmore Girls" and that's the hardest because all the chicks talk at the same time and it's hard to keep up) i don't have all the details yet but it sounds like Discovery Channel is a big part of the workday. Hopefully "Animal Planet" because they did "The Puppy Bowl" to compete with the upcoming Super Bowl and it was much more interesting.

hey, remember that big sad pile of Christmas trees i posted about last time? you know what happened to those trees? i wake up from a "Highwayman" induced nap and i see this sinister sight out my window. these firemen actually had tables with coffee and donuts set up, the wives were trading recipies, the kids we running around playing grab-ass. they must do this every year. it's like the man said in "Backdraft"...

"we fight fires! it's what we do! when we ain't making 'em."
- Guy Montag

i have to tell you about the piss test for my job. but first i must eat some Rice Krispies in (gasp) chocolate milk. it's a poor man's Cocoa Krispies. i'll be back. maybe a double post today on account of the new job enthusiasm. chocolate milk, hmmm. see, i can't help but think about everything i ingest affecting the color of my urine now.

::: david - 11:18 AM [+] :::
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