..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Thursday, May 19, 2005

"Why did you stifle me with your stupidities, if you did not want me to expose them?"
-Spoon River Anthology

i thought i'd post a recent exchange that i was originally going to forget about and put behind me. but i never take the high road for long. at first i figured that the chances of these people in my life crossing paths and being angry at each other wasn't really worth keeping the discussion going, or putting it on a public forum but i've since changed my mind. i had dropped the issue but this girl decided to keep on talking shit about me so what the fuck. i guess we're playing a game where we see who stumbles onto who's comments first. she just posted this thinly-desguised rant against me on her website, then says i'm a "shady bitch" because i'll probably end up reading it eventually, even though she says her site is "none of his business." never mind that the stupid cunt GAVE me her site address a month ago, hell we visited it together one night at the radio station (and if and when she does see this maybe she'll realize that i never attacked her personally until she attacked me. see, she said some insulting shit that i NEVER would have said about her. but now she's fair game). and what's this "none of your business" talk. she keeps saying that, then pretty much daring me to respond. and her commments are coming from a past debate we had, and a current relationship i'm in which is the definition of none of HER business. anyway, i thought she was a friend of mine but what can you do? i've always said the same shit to her face as i'd say in print but she's a typical two-faced fuck so whatever. i guess that isn't that much of a surprise. every so often i forget to underestimate people you know? oh yeah, she also said that, if she was a man she'd kick my ass, or her friends would or something. well, that would be Merry Fucking Christmas if one of these kids stepped up in my face because i would take their fucking life or at the least embarrass them forever. i'd get stupid with them, i'd like tie balloon animals around their necks and take pictures after i beat them senseless. send the pictures to everyone they knew once a month. hell, i might even write a nasty haiku about 'em! crazy i tell ya! as a matter of fact, i lay in bed some nights dreaming of a good reason to squeeze someone's neck until it cracked in my hands so i say, pleeeeeeeease somebody do SOMETHING and show me that this town isn't the fertile ground of pussies and bullshitters i've come to expect.

anyway, cue the flashback noises...it all started when she came to my apartment and mentioned that her friend had come home from work and complained he'd done a bunch of "nigger work." the jukebox skipped and i said "huh?" and shit escalated from there. i tried to get her to call this friend so i could yell at him or something (even though i swore i was only going to call and "ask him five questions" ha. five questions my ass!) and she eventually slammed the door on her way out. her best friend KT was upset and hoped we'd make up so i sent this girl an email as an olive leaf or sorts (or course my idea of an apology never comes out well) and she responded to it. i thought that was the end of it, everyone saying what they had to say but then she left some phone messages saying to KT "sorry Dave's such an asshole" and i started thinking, we were going to drop it but now i'm thinking "please don't talk shit about me on my phone" but i still didn't say anything else because i figured she wasn't used to people telling her anything and by this point i really didn't care as much anymore. but now i read this other thing on the internet and now i realize that a fucking child like this doesn't deserve to have me protecting her from anyone else's opinion (mine included) so here's those emails so strangers can enjoy and judge and laugh at other people arguments:


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my email after she slammed my door:
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okay Dana, since we have to get along for Kaytees sake, sorry i yelled at you. but try to understand how out of line you were with that shit. you come in to my house after i get back from a wedding that's half-black and you champion the casual use of the word "nigger?' it boggles the fucking mind. you get mad at me for judging your friends because they used that word? that's an example that's so hilarious that people would use it to describe any argument that's ridiculous:

imagine the scene in a class somewhere, someone says something that makes no sense and the teacher responds, "uh, that so insane it's like saying don't judge my friends for using the word nigger."

you understand the root word of the word prejudice right? you realize you're saying don't judge my friends when they judge your family right. you understand that, when Ryan (is that his name?) comes home from his job and grumbles, "i had to do nigger work today" he sound like a fucking moron. just imagine him saying to my black 3 time-decorated Vietnam vet self-made successful step-dad, "yeah, Jeff, today sucked, i had to do some nigger work today!" to get some idea about how idiotic that shit is. i mean, where does Ryan work? i assume if he says it's "nigger" work he must have cleaned a toilet right? when normally he'd be doing brain surgury? or does he work at Wal-mart and he didn't get to race his friends on the carts and got mad when they made him clean the grafitti? sorry, i'm just tying to imagine what "nigger work" is, because unless we're in pre-civil-rights Mississippi, i'm thinking the broke-ass white people are doing the same menial labor the broke-ass black people are.

and you thought i was contradicting myself when i was asking if they would say that shit in front of black people and you said they wouldn't and therefore they aren't stupid? huh? let me be clear:

1.) saying "nigger" in the safety of your own home, whether telling a joke or listening to DMX or talking shit about black people, is gutless.

2.) saying nigger because you don't know any better (your words) is ignorant aka STUPID. maybe these people are great in other ways but you gave me only a couple things to judge them by, so i did. and you saying your dad says it (as if that excuses it??) just made me feel bad because all our dads do stupid things and to use one of them as an example of why this is okay is just embarrassing. it was kind of like you telling me that your dad likes writing messages in his own shit sometimes. in other words, keep that to yourself, unless you want me to comment on that too.

i don't get it, you're smart, why can't you see how insane it is for a middle-class white college student to champion the casual use of the word "nigger" by her friends. if you want to talk about linguistics or words or something, i can have a rational debate about that, about how some words shouldn't have extra power, how words are just sounds, etc. comparing it to the word "retarded" was about as close as you got to making a point that night, however i'd offer that my mom didn't marry a retarded person last week, plus if you call a retard a retard and a black person a nigger, where to you get a more severe reaction? that's right. the retarded person doesn't know what you're talking about!?! ha! see, i make jokes! i'm a hypocrite, i'll admit it. but we both know that the word "nigger" had a whole different evolution than the word "retarded," so i don't buy that comparison either. these guys mean something different when they say "nigger" than when they call something "retarded" and you know it. not that they were doing this anyway, but on a side-note, i just get furious when i think about a bunch of little white-boys sitting around debating reverse racism etc. i say shut the fuck up for about ten years, then we'll talk. all these intense ideas with no information or empathy is way to common in people that age. i had these converstions too many times during my ten years at college (ten years in college?? "they're called doctors!" - Tommy Boy) so i can't really tolerate it anymore.

but you know, you really weren't saying any of that either. these weren't people debating anything like you were trying to. you're thinking about it way more than they did. these were people just saying STUPID SHIT. and you tell me a story and i'm going to comment on it. but you just turned it all around and acted like you were the victim defending your poor confused friends.

okay, let me try to illustrate how out of line your arguement was: i can't tell my step-brother what we argued about. it's that simple. the night after you left, he's like "where's Dana?" and i can't tell him because he would ignore everything good you've ever done or said and write you off forever. he would probably make a point to say some really harsh rude shit to you and that would be the end of that. he wouldn't consider a rational debate about words or anything. see, that's the privilage of us white people, we can debate it right now as outsiders, black people won't, right or wrong that's the history of this country. and i think your friends need to join the fucking human race or else don't tell me about stupid shit they say. because i'm not as much of an outsider as i used to be, and my opinions on the subject are more heated now, for obvious reasons. and the reason i wanted you to call him was because, unlike him and ninety percent of the people you grew up with, i WILL say it to their fucking face.

anyway, maybe you've thought about this and can see what i'm saying, maybe not. i'll drop it now because the sun is out and you wrote a funny song at the radio station. talk to you later.

-djk

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her response:
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Dave,

I don't know why you choose to continue this argument. Every single thing that you just wrote in this email, you said the other night. And believe me Dave, I heard you. The thing is, I'm not mad. This is childish and I'm surprised you don't realize that. You need to understand something quite simple about the world. Not the world the way we want it to be, but the way it is. People just are the way they are. We all say things we don't mean, you know. And we all say things that could potentially offend other human beings, yes. This is not just about black and white, although I understand that for you, that is an issue. Sure, we could go on and on and on about black guy calling a white guy a cracker, fags, queer, retarded...blah blah...and they all mean something different for you than they might for someone else, so forget it. No one is saying don't defend those you love. I like them too. I think they're great. I'm sure my friends would too. That's the point. If you could say that you have gone through your whole life and never just said something because you thought it was funny, or repeated words that other people use, or whatever you know... Then you could argue this a whole lot more. And please look up the definition. But dave, you're not perfect. Theresa's not, Ryans not, Kaytee's not, I am most definately not. Don't fuck with my Dad. Everyone has their shit and everyone has their problems. Everyone does things sometimes that they're not proud of. But that doesn't mean you hide from it or it makes you evil or something, just human. My Dad is a great man and I admire him in many other ways. Theresa and Ryan and Kaytee and you are too. I love you guys. There are always things that piss me off or ways I don't like, but they are flaws and everyone has them. Some things bother certain people more than others. Different things strike different chords. I'm a middle-class white college student, yay. What the fuck does that have to do with anything at all? No one is better than anyone else. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but maybe you should pray or something. It sounds like this argument stems from something beyond what it seems to be about. I don't know. But I'm really not trying to argue. I accept you Dave, and I think you're awesome and I can get along with you just fine, for Kaytee's sake or whatever, but mainly because you and I are alot alike too and I truly enjoy your company. I understand you and what you're trying to say. But understand me too and it will be all cool. Inevitably we are going to have a variation of opinion on this matter, and kaytee has a different one too. You can decide whether you want to just act civil in front of kaytee and stay mad at me about this, when your issue does not lie with me. Or we can be friends, because I would never try to hurt you or your family, as you are not only the family of my very best friend in this whole entire world who i would do anything to see happy because she deserves it more than anyone. You argue with me like my own family. It sucks. But sometimes you get to a point where it's just making things worse and so you just need to stop. That's life in general as far as I've experienced it. It's the harder thing to do sometimes initially, but then??? You don't ever have to like Ryan and Theresa if you don't want Dave. But they are good people, and more importantly, Kaytee likes them too. Theresa is a good friend to her, a shouldar, an ear to listen. That is something that you may not understand entirely because you're a guy, you're older, you're a different person...whatever the reason may be... but it is something that you must accept. This is the easier way to go about things in the end. Accept that I will defend my friends just like you defend your family, because we love them. And neither my friends nor your family have anything against one another at all. You're not wrong for defending them from the world Dave, I understand. That is also admirable. I see good things in my friends, and I would defend them from the world too. This is why this began anyway. We both have the same motive and were arguing the same fucking point really. This is how I feel. This is who I am, entirely. So, be my friend Dave. Or don't if you don't want to. Either way, it's going to be how it is. I"m not going to treat you any different than I would normally. And that's that.

Dana

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that's that, huh? guess not. i was your friend, even after all that. and you sounded sincere in there. but then i get two phone calls, this rant on your website and more SHIT. guess you still want to talk about it. not to my face of course. to my face you're all smiles, accepting rides and cds, watching Deliverance with us the other day. so i guess we'll wait to see who says what first. i'll keep smiling though, i think i might finally know who you are. oh i almost forgot. she said something on her website about how i'm paranoid and thinking people are talking about me? it's nice to find out i had nothing to worry about. i can't believe i wasted so much time wondering what people really thought! it really won't happen again.

you know what i don't get? i don't get how people think that it's okay to talk shit with impunity. i mean, is it the way i come across that opens the door to someone thinking they can get away with that? is it the glasses? is it the fact that i have a lot of books and goofy movies laying around? is it the bubblegum machine toys? they are Homies, you know. the toughest bubblegum machine toys there are! is it the cats? i guess people don't understand that you don't just talk and talk and talk without consequences. i swear it's this area. people around here have gotten by too long without backing up anything they say and i'd flush every one of thier heads down the fucking toilet to wake them up if i had the time. i tried to let this shit slide with this girl, not tell too many people about her making an ass out of herself with her racial debate, and look what i get in return. she loses an argument, smiles and says "it's cool" then threatens me on her website. oh you dumb back-stabbing little bitch, how have you gotten this far in life unscathed? are you the smartest person on your block, is that it? you seem like a genius compared to your peers, right? no one else read any books when you were young? hey, remember that book Spoon River i gave you? i actually gave that a lot of thought before i did, i figured you'd like it. what the fuck was i thinking? you smile and accept my friendship, then talk shit and think nothing will happen. was life easier before me? okay, this must be very confusing to you, right now. i understand. and don't confuse all this typing with any obsessive behaviour. this is quick and easy for me to do, and i only think of you when i'm responding to your nonsense. think back and you'll see that i only respond, not instigate. it's the equivalent of a dog starting to piss on my foot and whap! i smack it with a fucking newspaper. that's how fast the response is from my perception. it's like how slow Godzilla seems to be moving to the people on the street. he thinks he's bopping along at a good clip, but the screaming mob sees him lumbering along in slow motion. that's right, we're talking Godzilla physics metaphor time, baby! anyhow, i'll be off watching "Deadwood" episodes before the fan on this computer winds down. so don't think you're that important to me. in fact, you're getting less and less important to me every day.

p.s. oh, i forgot. fuck you for telling me "to pray." talk about showing your ass with that commment. if you would have brought up GOD sooner we could have saved so much fucking time. i would have laughed and not bothered trying to educate you at all. next time tell me to dance for rain instead. the odds are better.

::: david - 11:49 PM [+] :::
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