..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Monday, February 07, 2005

"Brave man likes to feel the rain on his face."
- Wang from "Big Trouble in Little China"

"Wise man has the sense to get out of the rain."
- dude named Egg from the same movie



why do i do it to myself? why don't i watch a good movie? what am i proving by watching movies that are such easy targets? why don't i watch some Fellini then have an intelligent discussion about the film's symbolism, cultural context or mise en scene? am i like the guy in "North Dallas Forty" who is punching the wall until his knuckles bleed because he thinks chicks dig self-abuse? or is it this simple:
i secretly love to watch shit like this and my reviews are a huge rationalization. beats me! no time to talk 'cause it's eight o'clock and i don't give a fuck about the Superbowl (the Patriots will end up in some political ad because of their name anyway) so it's time for another.......


REAL TIME REVIEW!!!


here's a crash course: i watch the movie, chew gum, pat my head, rub my stomach and review the flick at the same time (thirty seven patents pending) here we go! tonight's movie:

Troy

starring Brad Pitt, the dude from The Hulk and the chick from Lord of the Rings? she must have dyed her hair. also starring several hundred computer programmers judging from the shiny fake-ass looking preview.

-turning off the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet to watch this. anyone see this thing? The Puppy Bowl is the best idea since stealing music online.
-the opening credits say, "in association with Plan B?" uhhhh, that’s not a good sign. that’s like saying, “in association with Try Again Pictures.”
-what the hell are they wearing? looks more like Star Trek uniforms.
-computer generated troops chanting just don't excite me. i see computer men yelling and i just assume their chants are one dude's voice in a studio, looped over and over again too.
-okay, that guy is big but his body looks like a rubber suit...oh shit, he's already dead. that was quick. movie over?
-damn, they should call him "A-Kill-Ease!" ha! get it? shut up.
-hey! it's that hot chick from "Pirates of the Caribbean!"
-"with this, Achilles sprang from his seat and killed a sheep." - "The Illiad" (or "Cold Mountain")
-"like the Pirates of the Caribbean, the neighborhood watch...they don't like what they're seein'." - Kottonmouth Kings
-oh, hot lesbian action with Orlando Bloom and some blonde.
-notice the arm bands on Bloom since she has the scrawniest arms in this flick.
-Bloom's all breathy talkin' like Neve Campbell.
-i had Neve Campbell's voice on my answering machine. my sister was talking to her.
-too bad she wasn't whispering "call the police."
-"she left with the Trojans?" dammit. anyone else got one i can use?
-"brave men have also cried" - wait, that was from "Big Lebowski."
-okay, my problem with this movie is this, and i'll be the first one to admit i was wrong if they correct this problem before it ends: how can a story with supernatural elements (especially the existence of Achilles and his strength and weaknesses from being dipped into a river in hell) ignore these elements but still have the characters? that's like having a movie with Santa Claus running around, but never acknowledging Christmas. or something.
-hey, the dude from "Chopper!" "Chopper" was a great movie. why didn't i buy that?
-Stonehenge! "where the banshees live and they do live well!" so is that how the stones got knocked over? from Brad Pitt working out?
-gasp! look at all those ships! that must have taken so much time to line them up on the horizon like that! oh wait, that was the new videogame "Troy" they were showing.
-see, this ain't "Spartacus" where hundreds of nutjobs are falling down hills and getting hit by flaming telephone poles, this is computer bullshit. you're not allowed to play swelling epic music if you're showing computer effects. sorry.
-oh, it's Helen OF TROY is it? had to stress the "of Troy" part in case anyone wasn't paying attention. just like when they say, "they just bombed PEARL HARBOR?"
-'cause when you think about it, in all those WWII movies, someone would be saying, "they just bombed Pearl Harbor, Hawaii." and the other person would be going, "where the fuck is that?" because the navy base at Pearl Harbor wasn't common knowledge and...i know i keep saying this.
-Achilles just said "wouldn't it be great if kings fought each other instead of wars?" my friend Holly designed a videogame just like that but Sony pulled the plug. ahead of it's time, wasn't it, H?
-i'm typing on my new computer. it's all shiny and silver and the power button has a pleasing blue glow like the movie "Tron."
-hey! "Tron???" "Troy???" isn't it time someone acknowledged that "Tron" was based on "The Illiad" and "Troy" was based on "Tron?" think about it, they're the same damn movie! `except for the computer shit.
-"do not mock the gods?" or what? okay, watch me do just that: hey you! (looking up at the sky) why aren't there any dinosaurs in the bible?! nothing.
-these idiots talk to each other with their faces like two inches apart.
-was Brad Pitt drunk when they filmed this? he's talking like he's got a mouthful of jizz.
-okay, this battle better be a fucking bloodbath or we're going to see this dvd bounce off one of my cats.
-why is there an eye on that battleship? are they hoping the enemy will be like, "attack! no wait, that's just a sea monster, ignore it."
-c'mon, let's not skimp on the blood here. remember how many times in "The Illiad" they said, "his bowels burst from his sphincter and he crashed to the ground"?
-now i'm torn because i like the gore here, but the angry viewer to my left just yelled, "what's the point of all the goddamn metal if you can just stab through it?" she's right, but i want blood, not sparks, you know? i remember my uncle said that exact same thing back in the early 80's when we watched "Excalibur" and armored limbs were flying with every chop. i had the same conflict then.
-i like the bright daytime beach fighting. nice change from the murky Gladiator opening battle scene.
-Agamemnon was the name of the cat ("hundred things" drunk list #104) that scratched my balls.
-wait, Hector and Achilles aren't going to fight already, are they? i thought that was the whole plot.
-"they'll be talking about this war for a thousand years." that's annoying. that's like someone in the movie "Ben Hur" saying, "they'll make a moving picture with sound about this day, and many people will eat thine popped corn while they watch."
-more computer dudes.
-i hate to quote "Roadhouse" twice in one day (luckily the first time was while no one was around) but, with regards to Brad Pitt's much-hyped physique, "i thought you'd be bigger."
-i'm still wondering if they're going to acknowlege the supernatural plot elements. Tyler just said he's "seen the gods." but this is clearly a world without gods in this movie. i mean, it's more "Braveheart" than "Clash of the Titans."
-Agamemnon, also a leader of men in the masterpiece "Super Troopers." that's not sarcasm by the way.
-blah blah blah, jesus christ. there's more fighting in "Tron."
-you know, in "Tron" they have a big duel between Sark and Tron at the end. see, exact same story. except for the killer frisbees.
-wait! there's killer frisbees in "Tron" too!
-check out the baby playing with his toy rock! thanks, mom! no, i'm fine, i'll just chew on my rock lion in my wicker-and-cactus crib!
-you know, in computer lingo, a Trojan Horse is like a virus or some shit. see, "Tron" and "Troy," same damn movie.
-finally, some actual Homer quotes in this post-modern snooze-fest.
-watched "Cabin Fever" before this tonight. not good, but worth renting just for the "Rotten Fruit" cartoons they threw in on the dvd. high-larious. especially the Battle of the Bands one.
-hey, he was in "Caligula!" a better movie. it had a giant satanic Zamboni rolling around the arena chopping off heads.
-sweet, another battle. but would their feet make that marching sound in sand?
-you know, the Master Control Program in "Tron" talks like someone out of "Lord of the Rings." see, same damn movie.
-Helen of Troy has that sorority girl orange glow-tan thing going on.
-Ted Bundy's trip to the sorority house was the only good thing he ever did. wait, did i just say that out loud?
-hundreds of computer dudes facing off. yawn. why even bother showing the end of that army? i mean, with computer graphics, why not just show lines of men cover the globe? you could pan back to outer space and see men swarm across the planet and clash at the equator! why not, right? just press another button, right?
-Bloom's going to fight. yikes. where's a sniper when you need one?
-wait, he's Paris. i wish i hadn't read this book. i know he wins.
-this computer gets hot when i type on a pillow for two hours.
-you know what else gets hot, ladies? Brad Pitt's sack when he's running around in the sun all day.
-too many conversations by firelight in this movie. it's much easier to pay attention to movies when they're in broad daylight. except for "Cabin Fever."
-holy crap. Achilles fucked her to death.
-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. wake me up when they start fighting.
-c'mon. i don't want to watch a battle at night.
-okay, speaking of balls, check out the flaming balls of twine. that's kind of cool.
-well, it was cool until they started exploding like dynamite.
-Hector and Achilles are fighting already? what? oh, that was the Brad Pitt clone that got his throat cut. suckered me there.
-let's get the "Clash of the Titans" over with here. when do they fight? the dvd chapter list says it's at the 2 hour mark. should just read that instead.
-ha, Brad Pitt's choking his girl AND standing on the one dude's throat. they should have a puppy run by so he can kick that, too.
-finally here's the big fight.
-they're running to get Hector. ha, Achilles is at the door yelling. someone's like "hey Hector, got a phone call, dude." Hector's like, "oh yeah, who is it?" someone goes, "I don't know, but i think he's got the word "kill" in his name."
-did they pinch that baby to get it to cry on cue like that?
-poor Hector. he must have known he was screwed. i mean, would you rather be the dude with "heck" in his name or "kill" in his name?
-it would be funny if, to further violate Hector's corpse in front of his wife and his dad, Achilles walked up to the gates and did some "Weekend at Bernie's" gags, having him wave and water-ski 'n shit.
-the Trojan Horse is cool and all, it being all familiar to anyone who's taken an English class, but would anyone be stupid enough to actually roll an army-sized gift (Landshark!) inside your castle walls? couldn't they hear the guys giggling inside the thing?
-should have known that chick Legolas from "Lord of the Rings" would have to come to the rescue with his impossible arrow shots.
-always the Enya music is this stuff.
-the only expression Orlando Bloom can ever muster is pensive.
-that's not much of a defeat, i mean, i was joking about a sniper earlier but isn't bringing an arrow to a swordfight the same thing? kind of cheating ain't it?
-i like the fact that the only arrow still in him is in his foot, but doesn't that suggest that he WAS dipped into the river by his foot to be immortal? can't have it both ways! i mean, this ain't "Spartacus," it ain't even "Gladiator,"
-you know what they could have done? they could have had people run up and see the arrow in Achilles' foot (not knowing that he already pulled out all the ones in his chest that killed him) then they'd get confused and think that he had this one vulnerable spot on his heel and THAT'S where all the myths and stories came from!
-naaa, that's thinking about it too much. more than the screenwriters did anyway. sorry.
-you can't really hint that it's a true story by carefully avoiding all the greek gods stuff in it. they cut out half the plot and pretend it's in the history books? that's why so many people think they just watched a "A Bridge Too Far" kind of thing instead of a "Dark Crystal" kind of thing.
-there are stupid people in the bookstore that thought this was a true story. that's a true story. about the stupid people, i mean.
-okay, here's a test for you: which one of those two movies, "Dark Crystal" or "Bridge Too Far," has the same level of historical accuracy as "Troy?" see what i mean? they trick you into thinking you just watched "Patton" or something.
-isn't a Trojan Horse some kind of computer virus?
-see what i'm saying? "Tron" and "Troy." same damn movie.

::: david - 8:15 PM [+] :::
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