..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Saturday, January 22, 2005

"The drink will flow and the blood will spill,
and if the boys wanna joust you better let 'em!"
-"The Boys Are Back In Town (Knight's Tale Remix)" - Thin Lizzy

"Could we share a poison apple?
Could it be maniacle and awful?"
- "Forever" - Breaking Benjamin (hmmm, catchy name,
reminds me of something i hate...)


sorry about the hiatus. lots of things going on around here that kept me from updating. the top ten reasons: computer problems, medical problems (apparently i was born without a heart), loyalty problems (yes, i was one of the millions who was yapping, “i’m moving to Canada!” on Nov. 3rd) money problems, car problems, girlfriends problems, lack of ass-play problems (to balance out being born without a heart, i was born with three testicles, seriously, coming out of the shower on a hot day i can do that swinging trick like those corporate desk toys with the hanging metal balls) termite problems, job problems, cat problems, dog problems, and a boatload of graduate school paperwork that reminds me of those logic problems off the SAT:

remember those? where it goes, “if a car leaves the house at seven o’clock with two people, a train leaves the station at noon carrying a hundred tons of cargo, and a plane leaves the airport at eight in the morning at a longitude of 68.2 degrees, then......what’s your favorite color?” too hard? okay, try this one:

ten executives go into an office to come up with the shortest, most accessible, easy to remember movie titles they can. they realize that hey! names and verbs, names and adjectives and names and adverbs are the key to dumbing shit down to the mindless masses! they come out of the meeting high-fiving each other with this list:

Kill Bill
Sleeping Beauty
Pieces of April
About Schmidt
Deconstructing Harry
Rambling Rose
Cookie's Fortune
Citizen Ruth
Waking Ned Devine
Mighty Aphrodite
Stealing Beauty
Guarding Tess
Ruby in Paradise
The War of the Roses
Bringing Up Baby
About Adam
His Girl Friday
Barb Wire
Angel Heart
Avenging Angel
Poetic Justice
Chasing Liberty
Good Will Hunting
Low Down Dirty Shame
Judging Amy
Being Julia
Finding Forrester
Finding Antwone
Finding Nemo
Raising Victor
Searching For Richard
Waiting For Guffman
Jason’s Lyric
Deliver Us From Eva
Citizen Kane
Raising Helen
Raising Cain
Raising Arizona
Worth Winning
Cool As Ice
Killing Zoe
Killing Emmett Young
Understanding Jane
Suddenly Susan
Owning Mahoney
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Educating Rita
Saving Grace
Serving Sara
Amazing Grace & Chuck
Being John Malkovich
Regarding Henry
Saving Silverman
Desperately Seeking Susan
Saving Private Ryan
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Shattered Glass
Driving Miss Daisy
Drowning Mona
Roger Dodger
Chasing Amy
Stealing Sinatra

but the absolute WORST has to be "Poetic Justice." it covers all the bases. it's got everything i hate wrapped up in one perfect example:

The name of the character is “Justice,” she’s a (gasp!) poet and...guess what? at NO point in this piece of shit does anything happen that could be considered “Poetic Justice.” see, that’s what happens when you pick the title first, you worthless fucking hack. and you know what else? that cocksucker John Singleton will forever be remembered as the youngest man to be nominated for an Academy Award. it WAS Orson Wells but Singleton dazzled everyone with his silly-ass Urban After School Special, "Boyz N Tha Hood." yeah, it's waaaaaaaay better than Citizen Kane. he deserves that spot in the history books for stating the obvious for an hour and a half. hey! that reminds me of a movie i forgot for the list. came out in the 80's, it was called "Affirmative Action," although it wasn't all that action-packed. however, the sequel, "Affirmative Action Jackson," delivered the goods.

special thanks to co-worker Jeremy (who you might remember as the scrappy kid from the wrong side of the tracks in the film “Jousting Jeremy”) for helping to compile this list at work when we should have been pushing “Mein Kampf” on some poor bastard who wandered into the bookstore innocently looking for some “beach reading.”

::: david - 11:44 PM [+] :::
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