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Friday, October 01, 2004

"You're a mumbling stuttering prick, you know that Spider?"
- Joe Pesci in Goodfellas

damn did Kerry ever spank Bush last night. Bush looked, sounded and acted like such a goddamn loid (short for mongo) that if he gets re-elected i'm going to have to go on a Grand Theft Auto-type rampage. the ones where they call out the National Guard and i'm riding around on the hood of some car lobbing grenades like Christmas Presents. One for you...BOOM. Here kids...BOOM. did anybody else hear him babble on with vague "freedom, hope, hugs, ballsacks, democracy, evil-doers" talk? he sounded like a fucking knob. do we (you) deserve this waterhead for a leader? that's a good question. this country is being punished for not demanding more and being too stupid. However, can idiots really be punished for their sins if they're too fucking stupid to realize it?


so i discovered thrift stores recently. why didn’t someone tell me about these things? my problem was, i have no shirts with collars and, for some reason, that’s part of the dress-code at work. don’t get me started on my “collars are medieval, like the rivets on our jeans” nonsense again. i just never buy anything with a collar. i don’t like ‘em. sometimes my shirts will have buttons and they look like they started to grow a collar but didn’t. that’s about as close as i get. they just annoy me. the look, the feel, so i never got any unless i had to. but now i got a solution! at a thrift store, i get collared shirts for like two bucks. got an orange one, a green one and 3 gray ones. it was going to be one gray one but i got so excited i decided why not get all the gray collared shirts they have? mine! all mine! corner the market! see, now we’ve just discovered the dangers of the thrift store.

so anyway, i was in there and i wanted to find a tiny hat to put on a stuffed animal at home (it all makes sense i swear) and i found this stuffed duck with the perfect size hat sewn onto it’s head. score! so i figured i’d buy the duck, cut off the hat, and just throw the duck away! it seemed like the perfect crime until i got up to the register to pay for it and started to feel guilty. i started thinking that maybe some little kid could get that stupid stuffed duck for Christmas if i wouldn’t be doing what i was doing. so by the time it was my turn to get rung up, i’d already come up with a perfect solution. i would cut the hat off the duck in my car, then slip it back into the donation box. and they wouldn’t think i was nuts when they see the duck back on the shelves because the cashier fell right into my trap by engaging me in this dialogue:

cashier: “Cute little ducky!”

me (excited she brought up the duck): “Yeah! It’s cool, there’s one back there without a hat, but i wanted this one...”

(see, my master plan goes like this: later, when they find the hatless one on the shelf, she’ll remember what i said and think that there were originally TWO ducks! fucking genius)

cashier (confused): "Really? You sure..."

(time seems to stand still, i’m about five seconds from throwing the duck and my grey shirts over her shoulder and running out the door)

me: "Uhhh, i think so..."

cashier (shrugging): "Must be a little boy duck and a little girl duck."

me (way too happy): "Exactly!!!"

so then i’m out in my car, parked behind a truck, hunched over and ripping the hat off the duck like it’s a sex crime. but when i go to the donation bins, it says “Clothes Only” and i think there’s no way they won’t notice the scalped duck in there. so after all that i end up taking the damn thing home and sticking it in the gazebo outside my apartment building, hoping some kid will eventually find it.

like some kid will really want the thing. strings hanging off it’s head, sitting in the rain, might as well have left the thing with it’s flippers tied in electrical tape.

get this. there was a mouse stuck in the electrical socket at work. i stared at the thing for like fifteen minutes before i realized what i was looking at. he definitely got fried because his body was quite crispy when it was finally removed. better than having his head stuck for days i guess. poor little bastard must have touched the blue wire. he didn’t watch enough movies to know that you’re supposed to cut the red wire instead.

epilogue:

so i’m coming up the sidewalk to my apartment and i see this old lady and a couple little boys on the bench. the little boy says, “do you live in my house?” (meaning do i live in his building) and i say “yes i do.” and suddenly i remember the duck (see above) and get an idea. i said, “hey, you guys want to see a real live duck, go to the gazebo and say hi!” and the boys are all excited and the grandma says “okay, let’s go!” and off they go and i’m feeling like i did a good deed. then, i hear them clomping up the steps so i look out the peep-hole to see if they go the duck and they’re empty handed. so now i feel bad that i let them down, and...where did the duck go?

tonight after a late night snack-run, i walked around the building and got my answer. yellow police-line looking tape blocking off all the entrances to the gazebo and the duck has vanished. even though a ladder leaning up against the building suggests that paint is drying, some paranoids around me have got me convinced that the duck is in plastic bag in some detective’s lab. that means they’ll be coming for the hat real soon. stay tuned...

::: david - 7:50 AM [+] :::
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