..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Sunday, October 24, 2004

“Yo quiero Taco Bell?”
- cute little racist doggie dog

“Is that a secret symbol for the Secret Service?”
- Henry Krinkle
aka Travis Bickle
aka Robert DeNiro


just involved in a hilarious incident with Taco Bell the other day. i’m going to type it up but first i should say that this is the fourth or fifth time i’ve been involved in some sort of confrontation at that place and i’ve decided to hammer out “The Taco Bell Chronicles” in the next week or so, starting with the thing that just happened. hope some people get some laughs out of it, i know i did. and i definitely has a happy ending. at least for me.

went to the John Kerry rally on campus here in Pittsburgh. it was nothing i hadn’t heard before but it still gave me some hope that the ‘loids don’t take over. there were tickets you could get on the internet but it turned out there was some Willy Wonka-style gold and blue tickets that got you up closer. sadly i had a red one and was resigning myself to a view behind the fence when my partner in crime took a blue one out of some unsuspecting girl’s hand (probably by jamming a stick in her wheelchair so she couldn’t give chase) then went into the restricted area (i gallantly told her to go on up there without me, then sulked by the fence like i was in Auschwitz) and then she asked some dude if she could have his blue ticket since he wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon. she came back and found me curled up on the sidewalk where i was writing a goodbye letter to leave to her under a rock (“by the time you find this message i will be dead...) and nudged me back into action. it was cool though, the blue tickets got us like fifty feet away from the dude so we were ringside when (added bonus!) Bon Jovi came out to sing a Springsteen song. what’s up with that? he doesn’t have any songs that could be mistaken for political rallying cries? guess not. fucker's short as hell too. anyway, i guess that “No Surrender” song is Kerry’s song, like that “Don’t Stop” song was Clinton’s. anyone remember when dumb fuck turned dead icon Ronald Reagan used Bruce’s “Born In the USA” without listening to the lyrics first? what a fucking moron. the other day i was listening to right wing talk radio (gotta know what the enemy is saying) and they led in from a commercial with the same song...right before they started babbling about the Iraq invasion being a good thing. goddamn i hate people who are stupid. no one at that station noticed that “Born in the USA” is an anti-war, anti-Vietnam, anti flag-fucking song?

and check out this dude. think he would have gotten in at the Bush rally?

anyway, the most fun i had at the rally was picking out the Secret Service to take pictures of them, which probably insured that they were taking pictures of me. found three total.

there was one right behind the podium, hiding by the edge of a balcony, just a tiny half-a-head (there were also all sort of college types milling around that looked too old for college, reminded me of 21 Jump Street) playing peek-a-boo.

on the roof of the building behind us was another one, peering up with some binoculars.

but the best one was the dude standing behind a Kerry banner hanging down the side of the library. he would pop out, look around, then jump back behind the banner. i kept trying to get a picture of him when he sneaked and eventually i did. sometimes he would only have his head and half his body behind the banner, as if he thought that, if he couldn’t see anyone, no one could see him.

wait, isn’t that what happens when babies play peek-a-boo? when they cover their eyes, they think that you’ve disappeared? poor bastard should learn more about the art of camouflage. since he was up on the library, maybe he should have taped a bunch of books to his shoulders or something. yeah, that could work! see, if the feds are reading my website because of the Patriot Act may be they’ll realize i have all sorts of ideas that could be working for them. here’s another one...no more cardboard cd cases! i refuse to buy them, which is why i am three cds behind with the Beastie Boys.

oh yeah, i got a new Fisher’s Space Pen! and i almost had it taken away from me going through the security at the rally. they were like “what the fuck is this thing” since it looks like a bullet. i was all excited (i look for any window of opportunity to talk about my new Space Pen) and i go, “it like, writes underwater, upside down, in outer space. hell, you could leave messages on ice cubes if you wanted to...” and the guy was like, “just go.” good thing it wasn’t a bullet. nice work, our government’s finest in action. he was just jealous because he didn’t have one.

::: david - 1:25 PM [+] :::
...