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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

“And we’ve painted all our kittens white, so that we can see them in the night...”
- Nick Cave - God Is In The House

“Your kid looks like a fag to me. You better bring a man around here fast or he’s gonna have a cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson.”
- Paul Newman in Slap Shot

"Babies being born without brains, the mad heat and the relentless rains..."
- Nick Cave - Papa Won't Leave You, Henry



so after that Jesus movie i’ve been thinking about the best way to explain my frustration with religious zealots, Christian scientists and all those other self-righteous nuts. and here it is:

Aesop’s Fables. think about the story of the rabbit and the turtle. the rabbit stops to sleep and the turtle lumbers right on past him and holy shit the turtle wins the race. let’s say that the story i just told was in the bible. keep in mind that this is not so far fetched since there’s all sorts of talking animals and even crazier things in there than that.

and when a rational person reads this Bible verse (call it Aesop 21-12) what do they get out of it? well, i think that they’d say hmmm, sounds like there’s a message in there. something about persistence and don’t take shit for granted and gee, maybe i'll remember this lesson in my daily life.

now here’s what happens when a crazy person reads it:

“Yep! There really WAS a rabbit and turtle race, and if you don’t believe that it really happened, you are going to hell. Here look, if we look at these fossils it’s clear that there was finish line where many of God’s creatures celebrated when the turtle won this race, here’s where a lion high-fived an ostrich and a tiger hugged a unicorn and...wait, there was only one unicorn on the Ark, that explains it!”

see what i mean? the message is forgotten and these fuckheads spend all their time trying to prove that a fable ACTUALLY happened. where the rational person might actually learn something valuable and apply it to his/her life, the nutjobs miss the point and spend all their time trying to prove that animals can talk. just like the people who will go to their grave trying to convince you that there were two mosquitoes on the Ark. troubling, ain’t it?

and those god-fearing rednecks will fall for the "family values" god-talk everytime. never mind that they've been fucked by these Republicans every chance they got, that's okay, they like his "honesty" and his "values." you fucking lumps of shit. so easily manipulated that you wouldn't have survived back in the caveman days. today you affect way to many things by breeding out intelligence and engaging me in too many road-rage incidents. where's Darwin when we need him, eh? i wish there was a way to identify what you were at birth so that the doctor could hold you by the leg and bash your empty head against the corner of the wall.

p.s. this has nothing to do with what i just said but i think it should be said this week. if you are a female, and you are voting for Bush or have a “W” on the back of your car, you are, quite simply, a stupid bitch. you are like the woman who says “i ain’t voting for Kerry because he looks like a raisin." and if you think you have some sort of knowledge of the issues and the campaign, sorry, you don’t. unless you just hate women and therefore yourself. it’s tragic i know, but you are NOT entitled to your opinion in this case because you clearly have no idea how much the people that you’re endorsing have fucked you over the years. you are ignorant and worthless and probably think it’s cool to call yourself “Mrs. John Smith” so fuck ya.

also, you’re probably one of those annoying fucks who scold their child in public only because they want to announce some elaborate name they’ve burdened their child with for life, “c’mon Malachi Austin! put down that diaper!” as if anyone gives a fuck what soap opera name you stuck on that brat. fuck him too. hope the little bastard gets one of his Thomas trains stuck in his ass. like i did. did i just say that out loud? and while i'm feeling all giving and helping out with my free parenting advice, here's another thing:

you pinched sour-faced old women out there wouldn't have to stand there huffing in disgust when a child is making noise and it's not yours to spank if, when you were raising your own kids, you didn't use tactics to fool the brat into putting stuff they wanted down, then quickly distracting them out the door. see, that's why they scream, because they don't trust you. every conflict ends with you trying to fool the child into being quiet. sooo worried about what other people think. it's simple, the kid wants it and he can't have it. but you want a quick fix to fool them so that later they have a complete break-down because you can't be trusted. it's like that movie "Day of the Dolphin" when they tell the dolphin that there are sharks in the pool and it freaks out. not because of the threat of sharks, but because humans lied to it for the first time. sad story huh? sniff. anyway, clearly they don't have the skills to just concentrate on being mothers and housewives so when you're at the bookstore, don't just buy a cookbook and the latest Oprah book and let you kid get worked into a frenzy in the children's section with the Thomas train set (of course he'll want to take that shit home, even i can't resist playing with it), instead read about a weeks worth of the Onion and go vote for Kerry. otherwise you women will get the government you deserve (i ain't afraid to quote Don Henley) if you don't quit acting like second-class citizens and get your heads out of your ass.

::: david - 5:09 PM [+] :::
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