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Sunday, August 08, 2004

"Watching good movies is for pussies, watching bad movies takes endurance..."
- George Washington

"Dude, where's my car? No, seriously, where is my car?"
- me (last night, to myself)



since the readers that i have left would rather lunch on a ass-sandwich than read my fiction, let’s try an oldie but a goodie! a little trick i learned back in Vietnam to pass the time in the jungle. you know what they used to call me in the ‘Nam? they called me "The Stand." you know why? because i used to sleep standing up! thanks for saving my life 8-Ball, never saw that grenade until you caught it! thank god your mom sent you that baseball glove instead of cigarettes. i don’t know what i’m talking about either, all i know is that i got a fever! and the only cure is another.......

REAL TIME REVIEW!!!

remember how these things work? i type it as i watch it. sounds crazy??? it is!!! i can't stop doing it (six patents pending) so here we go! tonight's movie:

The Butterfly Effect

starring Ashton Kutcher and...Eric Stoltz? and...who is that? fuck if i know. let's just get this over with...

-pushing play and turning on my new green TV. a power surge fucked up the colors.
-that chaos theory quote? isn’t there a real quote by someone? i mean, attributing a quote to "Chaos Theory" is like saying, "Shit in one hand, wish in another, see which one fills up first" - Nonsense Overheard At Work
-the only thing disturbing about the serial killer drawing by the child is how ridiculously overstylized it is
-i was in one of those MRI machines once. they wire you so that you don’t freak out and when they asked if i was okay i said, "yeah but the inside of this thing is covered with graffiti" and the woman said "we have the inside washed daily sir..." no sense of humor.
-kid just woke up with the knife like "Sling Blade." all we need is a noble retard and we’re set!
-ha! Eric Stoltz alert! he’ll never top "Killing Zoe." or "Anaconda."
-okay, Eric Stoltz is hammered and running a child porn ring. again!?! isn’t he worried about getting typecast?
-this kid’s narration is only slightly less annoying than "Blade Runner."
-some sort of "Slaughterhouse Five" time jumping thing going on here. freaking me out since i just had a power outage in this apartment a couple hours ago.
-check out that giant firecracker! why didn’t they just have one of those round black cartoon bombs with the fuses on them.
-that’s right, she was in "Magnolia"
-"think of it like a movie, you can pause, slow down or rewind any detail you wish" that’s the On Demand ad i hear every day, ain’t it.
-having the characters watch "Seven" is a bad idea since it just makes me want to watch that movie instead. notice how i didn’t call it "Se7en." notice how i don’t call this movie the "Bu2erfly Effect" either. beware the sequel though, i bet they try to stick a number 2 in the title. is Prince to blame for this shit?
-that is the toughest 4th grader i’ve ever seen.
-is that the same kid that freaked out in the theater? is he fat now? oh, that’s the firecracker kid.
-dude, i have no idea what the fuck is going on in this flick
-this is like "Stand By Me" if every time i wanted something to happen, it did. like the kid from Star Trek and River Phoenix really did take 2 X 4s to each other’s heads instead of weeping about stealing lunch money
-nice beard douchebag. Kutcher looks like "Dude, Where’s The Amish?"
-cool, a Cramps poster.
-fat goth kid gonna take this abuse from the frat boys or what? depends on whether the movie is geared towards fat goth kids or frat boys.
-apparently it’s geared towards fat goth kids who are can do impressive billiard trick shots. good idea guys, that’s exactly 000000.3 percent of the population
-okay, they really should have picked a larger bully. this little fuck couldn’t intimidate the kid from Star Trek
-so it’s a cautionary tale? the dangers of mailbox bombing revealed. next do we see some mailbox baseball turned fatal when some kid’s head comes CLEAN OFF!?!
-now i’m thinking that isn’t the chick from "Magnolia." if i had 12 hours i’d watch it again to find out.
-i see those "Seven" diaries in too many movies now.
-"Evan, is that you? you don’t look anything like the actor that played you when you were 12."
-even if Stoltz was really just making a movie about "Robin Hood" it would still be considered child molesting
-by having the movie jump around, sure you can do shocking things to main characters but the problem is they can be erased minutes later so it don’t mean shit.
-why is he writing sideways in his notebooks? i’ll bet he holds his nine millimeter sideways too
-Stoltz is cracking my ass up. guess he needed the money
-that reminds me. that "Pulp Fiction" quote i used last post? at the beginning of my short story? i used to agree with it. i’m not so sure about that now.
-the opening quote should have read, "a butterfly flaps its wings in Tibet and a million miles away, some dude’s beard (gasp!) changes overnight!"
-i know this song, what song is this?
-since you're probably as bored as i was when i watched this movie, check out this link a friend sent me instead.
-they picked a lame-ass villain for this movie. wise man once said, "a movie is only as good as its villain."
-his accent changed? what? was he middle-eastern before?
-so let me get this straight, if you’re NOT molested as a child you become a fucking frat boy?
-i can’t decide what line is funniest coming out of Kutcher’s mouth: "you just got Punk’d!" or "i sure ain’t joining up with no spics or niggers."
-this movie sure ain’t no "Darkman."
-the plot problems with his time-traveling are so huge that i won’t even bother to go into it. i mean, the way he’s still in college around the same 5 actors, even though other people’s entire lives have changed is incredibly fucking stupid.
-long boring dead spot in the middle of this thing. i’ll pass the time by telling you about some other movies i saw recently, "Dodgeball," "Fahrenheit 9/11" and "Spiderman 2." i would rate them decent, excellent and utter shit. first off the decent one, "Dodgeball" it was a comedy and i never go see those in the theater but i laughed out loud about three times. "Spiderman 2?" dull as hell and my sister’s scene was cut out. the last one you’ve all seen or talked to death by now.
-oh yeah, remind me to tell you about how "The Village" sucked balls.
-apparently by changing the future, Kutcher just made his girlfriend’s ass huge.
-okay, waking up without arms and saying "what the fuck is this?" was pretty funny.
-okay, the granola bar thing is funny too.
-okay, him turning on the water with his nub to commit suicide is real funny. chalk that up on my list of "Things I Didn’t Think I’d See This Actor Ever Do" right next to "Shanking A Nazi In Prison."
-this movie is the textbook definition of a "watchable piece of shit."
-they just said that they were surprised that he still had "control of his motor functions." "motor" functions? c’mon, he's in a wheelchair, they would never let him drive a car.
-lots of nosebleeds in this movie.
-could have used more nosebleeds in "Punk’d"
-that’s it? that’s the ending? utter crap.
-okay, i’m a sucker for extra scenes so i’m going to watch the Director’s Cut on the other side.
-so he was born "without a soul" and "should never have been born" oooooh. spoooooky. there’s so many jokes i could do about this flick with those two lines that i’m locking up.
-my head hurts from tapping it gently against a hammer.
-i got a fever...and the only cure is more cowbell!
-this movie could have used some Blue Oyster Cult.
-of course, what movie couldn’t?

::: david - 11:57 PM [+] :::
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