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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

“All day long, foot up a dog’s ass! That’s my pleasure!”
- Friday


sorry i haven’t typed shit lately but my computer has a virus or something. actually, considering the amount of porn that comes through it, it probably contracted an STD.

also, after waiting about 6 months through promising emails and phone calls, i had the rug pulled out from under my book again. i have a theory about it this time. apparently i had gotten through the first line of defense and got some people excited enough to keep contacting me and asking me to be patient while they got everyone on board. thing is, i was waiting for this one last dude to read my manuscript. i was told he had just got it in his hands and then suddenly it was Christmas and he was gone out of town, then he was back, then it was New Years and he was gone again. then he was back and then he was gone again, this time gone for awhile while his wife had a baby, but the good news: he was taking my book with him! here’s the problem though:

i’m not so sure that the chapters i sent would be very good reading when your head is full of new babies and little pink fists and counting toes and love all around. especially since the common threads in this book are nosebleeds, menstrual blood and, at one point, more than twenty pages of dead baby jokes. and i moved all the nasty stuff up front because i figured i should try to make an impact fast if anyone actually sat down to read it. not the best bedtime story. oops.

either that or he just hated it. slowed me down for a while.

anyway, back to more important things...

so i’m watching "Lord of the Rings" movies and is it just me, or, when Gandalf says “you fool of a “Took!” doesn't it sound like he's calling that hobbit a nigger? there’s something a little disturbing about his use of the word “Took.” i think it’s a racial slur. try it, every time he calls the little lazy stupid hobbit a “Took” substitute that other word instead. not so cute
now is it? is it???

hey! since they both just put out new stuff, i thought i’d do a quick Kottonmouth Kings and Beastie Boys comparison:

Beastie Boys: three dudes. not including Mix Master Mike who fixed their fence or whatever.
Kottonmouth Kings: 37 members, not including the asshole dressed like an evil space clown.

Beastie Boys: about ten songs on the new cd “5 Boroughs”
Kottonmouth Kings: on the new album “Fire It Up” we got.....twenty-two songs. i repeat. twenty-two songs AND you get a goofy documentary dvd called “Down 4 The Krown!” to never get around to playing.

Beastie Boys cover art: minimalist (kind of touching) sketch of the New York skyline, boldly including the twin towers for once.
Kottonmouth Kings: very similar approach actually. New York skyline cartoon too, however, this cityscape includes the following: a big-titted Statue of Liberty smoking a giant joint, a bizarre drunken Mexican (?) alien skimming the crowd, and various
Garbage Pail Kids-looking creatures fighting, puking and wagging their tongues.

and the final test: a song title i will point to at random by closing my eyes and pointing:

Beastie Boys..............."Hey Fuck You"

Kottonmouth Kings.............”Let’s Fuck”

okay, those were too similar. once again.

Beastie Boys................"Oh Word?"

Kottonmouth Kings.................”Skunk One”

Winner, Kottonmouth Kings. don’t bother getting this cd though. you don’t really need it. get “High Society.” it’s really all you need.

hey, what’s up with the curiously gay exploits of America’s finest out there in Iraq? all this nakedness and pointing and giggling at dicks. i thought they were supposed to be tough and the worst torture they can come up with is a bunch of grab-ass and circle jerks? did i already say all this? it’s like all the athletes cranking “Will Will Rock You” to get worked up enough to kick some fag’s ass (or bang it). i think my point is that these soldiers in the pictures, the world’s most powerful fighting force...they like to suck it. forget the “no gays in the military” crusade. we need a more OPENLY gays in the military crusade. relieve some of the gay fever from these douchebags. and don't let them start hinting that there was some sort of "heart of darkness" desert madness or something. don't let them get away with that shit about "there's evil waiting in all of us, if we're put in that situation" because they WANT to think of themselves as scary and eeeeeeeevil with their torture. deny it. say this instead and watch how mad they get:

don't get all dramatic and compare yourselves to war criminals so they you can give give yourselves a sneaky compliment because you're not that scary. you're a bunch of fucking faggots.

what the hell happened over there? these backwards-ass hick fuckheads couldn’t wait to get those Iraqis pants off and snap pictures of those sand-encrusted asses? how old are they? nine? and what happened to the good old days when morons joined the army to kill people?

go to this review by Ebert:

it's for a skinhead movie called "Pariah."

the references to “an actual email” is talking about me. i harass him, Bill O’Reilly, and the dickcheeese who invented Photomosiacs when i get bored. i sent him an email after he gave "Fight Club" a one star review. problem is, Ebert used like one line and took it out of context and didn’t take the time to include my entire 5 page masterpiece that basically said this: if you’ve never been punched in the face, or punched someone in the face, your review of “Fight Club” is suspect. and the war thing was because i was working on a story where a Vietnam vet is at the bar with a Desert Storm vet and the Vietnam vet doesn’t want to talk about it and the Desert Storm guy can’t shut up about it (even though all he did was load trucks) and the Vietnam guy kills him. or something. and THAT’S why we need more movies like “Fight Club” and less people that are scared to get hit. cause if you watched “Friday” you’d understand that it’s the “fear of taking as ass-whuppin’” that makes these chickenshit kids pull guns (and pull down the enemy’s shorts) all the time. remember the lesson we learned on Friday:

brick=good. gun=bad.

some quick movie reviews for you before i eat my noodles:

Big Fish - bad
Mystic River - bad
Basic - bad
School of Rock - bad
Scary Movie 3 - bad
The Missing - bad
Underworld - bad
Club Dread - bad

some of these were more of a betrayal than others.

::: david - 7:54 PM [+] :::
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