..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Saturday, May 22, 2004

"With this rock i thee wed..."
- Takashi Miike



there’s a certain kind of motion picture that cries out to be included in these reviews. i can’t really explain it, but i know it when i see the box. there’s something smug and expensive about the movie and usually it’s been well received by the common man. and when i saw Tom Cruise’s giant, overly serious mug blotting out everything else on that poster, i knew my search was over.

time for another...

REAL TIME REVIEW!!!

i review it while i watch it! for two reasons! it saves me time and, if you haven't seen it yet, it ruins the movie!

tonight’s feature is:

The Last Samurai

starring Tom Cruise! also starring...uhhh i don’t know. i can’t see their names because his giant face is like an eclipse over everything else on this box. i think there are some very stern-looking Asian types in this movie though. ready........i’m pushing play. wait. the dvd player turned itself off. uh oh. not a good sign. let me try again. ready...go.


-is that really the title in Chinese? or does it translate as “fish bulb” and no one really checked?
-such serious music. no chance of any “fun” around here.
-disgruntled Civil War vet learns to love a noble ancient people? sounds like “Dances With Wolves.” zzzzzzz. you know, everyone should hate that movie as much as me for one reason, it got all the Oscars that “Goodfellas” was supposed to.
-all Tom Cruise movies have posters with a huge picture of his head on them, dwarfing any artwork or co-stars or UPC codes or anything. try it for yourself. look at the boxes for any Cruise movie. every fucking one, without fail.
-remember when movie posters used to be interesting?
-hey that’s the dude from “Biodome!”
-Cruise is drunk with a gun. why doesn’t that happen more in real life?
-Arthur was a good drunk. Mickey Roarke was a good drunk. Nick Nolte is good drunk. Cruise is not believable at all as a drunk.
-”keep one thing in mind, i’d be happy to kill you for free.” wow, i said that today.
-this narration is almost as lame as “Dances With Wolves.”
-what a breathtaking view of a computer generated ocean and seaside town. why the hell do they do that on a computer? those things are out there waiting to be filmed. it’s not like The Hulk. you can simply FILM a town, right? right?
-this fop was in "White Hunter Black Heart." he said, “the old boy was awful keen on his ruse!” i haven’t heard anyone say that since, so that’s some kind of milestone.
-i’m utterly sick of nobility in movies. where it’s automatic that anyone speaking through a translator is somehow noble and impressive. fuck that.
-the scene with the surly civil war drill sergeant suddenly yelling at the twitching recruits is ripped off of “Glory”
-where have i see that dude before?
-Cruise has one of the weakest voices when he gets angry. it gets all shrill ‘n shit like Fred Durst.
-okay, another “Glory” rip-off. this scene with Cruise shooting at the guy to teach him how to load and shoot faster is a blatant theft of the same sequence in “Glory” with Ferris Bueller doing the EXACT same thing. how the fuck do these writers think that they can get away with that shit? do they really believe that they can pass someone else’s work off as their own? do they really think that they can recycle shit because of their lack of skill and not get called out? what a thieving little bitch this writer is. what’s his name? hold on...
-so we got John Logan, Edward Zwick and Marshall Herskovitz (not THE Marshall Herskovitz?!) credited with the script. Logan with the story credit. i’m thinking this Zwick guy is to blame for the stealing when he should have been buying.
-one thing i did like was the no-credits thing at the beginning. would have been better with a better opening scene but at least they went right to work.
-like Cruise could really hold off 5 Samurai by clumsily waving around a flag.
-more people staring off into the distance looking all foreign and noble. hate that.
-there’s the “Dances with Wolves” diary! instead of Indian sketches, it would be funny if his diary was filled with the kinds of doodles and gibberish that you scribble when you’re on the phone.
-Cruise is finally among these crazy “Orientals.” waiting for all the “opposite day” crap to start up. you know, the culture shock of (gasp!) not using chairs, reading right to left, wiping their ass with their feet, eating with sticks, holding stern noble looks on their faces so long that it makes it impossible to grow beards.
-wow, a Samurai that wants to practice his English. what a lucky break for lazy bastards who don’t like subtitles. hmmm, wonder if that was considered in a meeting somewhere when this hack was pulling this soggy script out of his ass.
-such barren, empty rooms. isn’t there one messy room on this continent?
-decent bloody nose
-oh snap, “Cool Hand Luke” rip-off. must have been a two-for-one special when the writer bought “Glory.”
-lame revisionist history lesson about General Custer. can’t have any politically incorrect (aka “accurate”) depictions of the actual opinions of that time.
-Cruise looking very soft and white with his shirt off.
-”time passing” montage. instead of the “Dances With Wolves” carbon-copy narration, they should be playing a song like “Turning Japanese.”
-another room that could sure use a bookshelf.
-so the word “Samurai” means “to serve?” should have said “to serve...your ass for a hat! pow!” they could have put that on the poster instead, under his giant fucking head of course.
-even the kids are stern and noble.
-seriously, where have i seen that dude before???
-”the shame is unbearable, i ask permission to end my life!” now that’s a line that should be in more movies. or answering machines.
-this pinched little idiot is the love interest? this doesn’t have half the passion of “Karate Kid II.”
-i just went and looked up this “Zwick” dude since we’re in another time-passing montage and it turns out he directed “Glory.” how about that? it’s kind of like when John Fogerty was on trial for ripping off one of his own songs. well, not really cause Zwick didn’t write “Glory.” he just knows it real well and decided using scenes again since it would be quicker than doing some fucking work. fuck you Zwick. you know why? your name sounds like a sound-effect from the 60’s Batman show.
-what the hell is Cruise doing with all those kids? teaching them baseball? how come he doesn’t teach them all how to jerk-off instead? then they might relax their stern looks and not need to sniff school-girl uniforms later in life.
-a three-hour movie needs NO slow-motion.
-two questions. can you really snap a guy's neck by turning it sideways, and even if you could, would the dude really die instantly? or would he just start screaming his crooked head off and fuck up your sneak attack?
-five bucks says Cruise saves whatshisname’s life in this battle. there’s no other reason for a battle at this point unless it’s to let Cruise fight with them and give Cruise respect from his captors.
-you owe me five bucks.
-dude, not only did they fight side-by-side they literally fought back-to-back in case anyone missed the point of their manly bonding moment.
-ug. i can’t take another slow spot. i’m going to bed. finish this tomorrow. unless i give up and watch “Big Trouble In Little China” instead. now THAT’S east meets west. THAT’S the perfect movie. THAT’S what you really wanted to see when you rented this.

-day two. home from work. let’s finish this piece ‘o shite.
-where did i leave off? okay, riding out to battle or something? tearful goodbye with the kid. yawn. no impact, just stacking scenes by the numbers.
-where the hell have i seen that guy before?
-i read somewhere that the reason that Cruise is so worshipped by the chicks is because his face is symmetrical. and that’s what we respond to with “good looks.” geometrically centered eyes and ears ‘n shit.
-he should not be allowed to narrate a movie. i’ll admit that Matthew Broderick’s narration and journal entries in “Glory” was just as bad though. “Dances With Wolves” is still the worst.
-my balls hurt. story for another time.
-check out M.C. Hammersans giant orange pants!
-hey! “The Ninth Configuration!” that’s where i saw that guy before. he was the astronaut who aborted his moon mission and was dragged out of the rocket screaming, “there’s nothing up there! there’s nothing up there!” i always thought that was a great opening to a flick.
-they cut off his pony-tail? that’s it? with all that dramatic music and pained looks from the crowd, all they did to the guy was the same thing Metallica did to themselves willingly?
-they could have cut an hour off this mess easy.
-this movie is as bloated and swollen as my balls.
-decent fight just now.
-wait, why are we seeing this fight again in slo-mo? what was the point of that? he couldn’t decide which version to use?
-nice Highlander movie there McCruise!
-why do the swords in all these movie make that same metal screech when they’re unsheathed? it’s not like the holsters are metal. it’s like that same squealing tire sound all the time, even on dirt roads.
-when these arrows hit any part of these dudes’ bodies they die instantly. like they got off-buttons. chunk! arrow to the shoulder...dude freezes and falls down stiff as a board.
-wouldn’t they be running around and screaming and pointing at the arrow until someone found some pliers?
-this movie makes me want to play “Bushido Blade.” remember that game? it rocked. a fighting game where one well-placed slice ended the fight.
-Tom Cruise has one of those patchy Keanu beards. like he lost a pie-eating contest the day before.
-i hate when they show a cavalry suddenly appearing up on a hill side, horses lined up side-by-side to make it look all impressive and take up the whole length of the screen.
-c’mon, as if they’ve been riding side-by-side like that.
-holy crap i can’t stay awake. i’m going to have to finish this thing tomorrow. i feel like i’ve had these humorless bastards in my house all weekend.

-morning! on on the third day with this movie? good god. i think i need to start one of those “Dances With Wolves,” “Glory” and “Last Samurai” type diaries:
-”day three, in the year of the buffalo. i have been among these people for three moons and i do not understand their ways. they are stern yet inexpressive. their houses contain no furniture or toys and yet my days are filled by looking into the distance with a pinched face while the dramatic music swells around me. although it hasn’t been twelve moons it sure feels like it and i have already begun to talk and frown just like them...
-Tom Cruise has had that same pained expression on his furry mug for three goddamn days. i mean, two and a half hours.
-the metal noise when a sword hits a body is fucking stupid. yes, we know it’s a sword, a loud “chink!” is not necessary to remind us.
-i feel a little uneasy using the word “chink” up there.
-i’ve pin-pointed what the problem is with these war scenes. it’s this noble church music that somehow suggests that the director is reluctant to show an expensive battlefield slaughter. it’s such a fucking sham. he does it in “Glory,” shows a big battle full of gore and does the slo-mo and serious music to remind us that it’s a tragedy and not an action scene, and now he tries to pull that shit again but he doesn’t get a pass this time. you know why? first off, this isn’t remotely based on a true story, so he can’t act like he’s reluctantly swinging the camera on some bloody piece of history that we need to see. he’s showing an action scene, simple as that. and all the drama and noble bullshit will NOT convince anyone with half a brain that we’re in church instead of an expensive, complicated, blood-soaked battle that was engineered by hundreds of technicians so we could get erections.
-finally, Cruise just got blown off his horse by a big-ass gun (or “the evils of technology!”)
-of course, the horses all get up when these dudes get bullet-riddled because these movies are too pussy to show animals getting killed in battle, even though they’re obviously the biggest target and the easiest way to stop the momentum of an assault would be to drop the horses.
-what the fuck. i look away after Cruise takes twenty shots to the grill, and when i look back he’s at some ceremony handing over his sword.
-i want to grow some lamb chops like that dude.
-check out all the suicides in this movie. good thing my windows are shut.
-what?!? and he still doesn’t die?!?! jesus chrysler what a fucking cop-out. has Tom Cruise ever died on-screen? let me think. yep. he died in his first (and best) movie, “Taps.”
-you know what would be the worst thing ever? if this movie faded to black, then the screen said, “Insert Disc 2.”
-then i would jump.
-this movie makes me want to yell “much dishonor!” at everyone for no good reason. i’m going to do that all day.
-you know what’s better than this movie? “Necromantic.” now that’s a movie. guess what it’s about.

::: david - 12:42 PM [+] :::
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