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Tuesday, May 11, 2004

"It's my hooves! It's my hoooooooves!"
- Freddy Got Fingered


i have to admit, a good name for a lizard in a house full of
stoners is “Mariguana.”

i was telling this guy i work with about how i had the idea to put an electric-fence dog collar on my own body looooooooong before the show Jackass did (me and my friend Mark were drinking and seeing who would leave the yard first with one of those collars on our wrists) and he told me a story that was cracking my shit up. i guess he was getting some dog vaccinated for some disease called “parvo?” or something and the vet accidentally stuck it through the fur and into this dude’s arm instead. he was injected (and vaccinated!) before he could yell (or bark) in protest. the vet wasn't even that sorry. he was like “oops. oh well, at least you won't have to worry about that disease. if it affected humans i mean. next!” i was laughing so hard at the this story i thought i was going to piss myself. on my lunch i went shopping for a dog whistle for this dude but ran out of time. he also said that the dogs were scratching a lot where they got their injections and sure enough, he was scratching his arm too for the rest of the day! so fucking funny.

speaking of dog collars and leashes: how about those fucks in Iraq making the prisoners jerk each other off? i love how they claim they were just following orders. i wonder what those orders would sound like:

“PRIVATE! I NEED YOU TO GIGGLE AND GIVE A THUMBS-UP WHILE YOU MASTERBATE THESE PRISONERS!!!”
“Sir yes sir!”
“DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!”
“Sir, yes sir!”
“WHAT DOES THAT SAY ON YOUR HELMET?!?!”
“Born to kill, sir!”
“AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON YOUR VEST?!?!”
“A peace symbol sir!”
“IS THAT SOME KIND OF JOKE?”
“I was trying to say something about the duality of man, sir!”

long pause.

“GODDAMMIT PRIVATE, GET YOUR HEAD AND YOUR ASS WIRED TOGETHER! I WANT THOSE MEN STRIPPED AND LINED UP IN A CIRCLE-JERK BY ZERO EIGHT HUNDRED HOURS! AND PUT THAT SMILE BACK ON YOU FACE FOR SOME PICTURES!"
“Sir, yes sir!”

orders my ass. i’d love to jam that stupid cunt’s face into a dog food dish while somone took my picture. oh well, hopefully this will snowball and help bounce Bush the fuck come election day.

okay, i have to admit that we put the electric dog collars on our wrists and not our necks. i know, that makes us pussies since they Jackass boys put them on their necks but hey, i did it FIRST. and i'm here to report that they really do work. not only do they hurt like a bitch, i really REALLY didn’t want to leave the yard anymore. even after i was sober and the party was over. actually, if i was there today i might have to be carried to my car. did i already tell you this story?

i think all this dog stuff is cause i discovered that i was born in the Year of the Dog when i was reading my placemat at a Chinese resturant yesterday.

from the list of things i don’t need, and don’t really want, but can’t help buying: the cd by Bubba Sparxxx with that “Deliverance” song on it. why? i’ll tell you why. because
he says fishing pole and it reminded me of catching bluegill with a hook on my finger. course it also reminded me of the time me and my brother were fishing and got chased home by some psychos in a truck and how i got my bike into the garage first and started to pull down the door and my brother was looking behind him at the truck and peddling about Mach 9 and POW. it was kinda like during the car chase when the car goes under a truck and the driver ducks and it shears off the roof of the car. except Floyd didn’t duck.

::: david - 10:17 PM [+] :::
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