..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

“You don’t exist when I don’t see you.”
- Sisters of Mercy - "I Don't Exist When You Don't See Me" (The Bucketmen remake)

watched a girl rescue a worm from a parking lot.

that was a good day.

saw a teenager spit on the ground about five feet in front of me when i walked past. that was a bad day. i spend about half of every day imagining myself throwing people up against the nearest wall with my hand around their necks.

just bought "21 Grams" and i’ll be watching it tonight. pumped since this dude’s first movie "Dog Love!" is tied with "Fight Club" as my favorite movie of all time. ("Here's to Ben!" - Blue Velvet)

hey, anyone that needs a book recommendation, check out “Pastoralia” (i think that’s how you spell it) by George Saunders. holy fuck was that first story funny. anyone that likes Sedaris will eat this shit up. i promise you. you’ll put mustard on it and eat it up. i hadn’t laughed out loud since “Naked” and i laughed more than a few times during this. plus there’s some serious stuff in it too, for the college types out there that need that kind of thing.

earlier i was listening to someone quote a movie and i was reminded how tragic it is when someone doesn’t recognize the dangers of over-quoting. or even under-quoting. this guy was just going on and on and on and on, and he was picking lines that weren’t that funny, just obviously easy to remember. so i think i need to come up with some rules:

1.) when you quote, you should only be saying ONE character's lines. you should never quote both sides of a conversation because then you might make that cringe-worthy move of trying to change your voice so they recognize the other character. just don’t do it. if it’s a quote that doesn’t make much sense without the entire conversation, then you just have to be on your game and wait for key words from the movie's conversation to pop up then BAM! you throw down your quote and look like the most movie-savvy motherfucker there ever was and no one needs to know that you waited all week to bust out those lines. example:

all sly, you let your phone ring for six hours until someone finally wanders over...

co-worker: “phone’s ringing dude.”
you (whipping out the Lebowski quote like a veteran gunslinger): “Yes, thank you Donnie!”
and they never suspect that you’ve been waiting to say it all day. slam dunk when you time it just right.

2.) don’t make the quote too short. because then nobody knows what the hell you’re talking about. example:

Easter dinner, your grandmother walks in the room and something about the scene (the lights, the music, the band-aid on her head) reminds you of the part in "Pulp Fiction" when Bruce Willis enters the bar. you can’t help but exclaim:

“My nigga!”

and you quickly discover that, out of context (maybe even in context), racial slurs are almost always a mistake.

3.) when you quote a movie, make sure it’s from a movie the other person knows, or right afterwards you’ll end up mumbling “uhhh, you know, from that scene when the dude shits out the quarter? you never saw that?”

this will effectively steal your thunder. it’s kinda like knocking over the register and quitting your job all dramatic, then realizing that you have to wait an hour for a ride home. embarrassing for everyone involved.

at work we had way too much down time and we started rambling on like a goddamn Kevin Smith movie. i introduced my theory (or was it Schroedinger’s?) that none of them existed until i looked at them. then, when i drove away at the end of the night, they just blinked off like one of those scenes where they show a blackout sweeping through the city. could happen. hey, i still haven’t been proven wrong. one dude tried to explain that the things behind me could NOT cease to exist every time i turned around because he would notice this just by looking over my shoulder. and i sighed and slowly explained that it was like those videogames where things blink into existence every time you get closer. and they don’t know they’re stuck in a game. see what i’m saying? me neither. ("can you kick this fork into my head please" - Threesome)

you know what? i can’t believe that they didn’t stumble upon the only sure-fire way to prove me wrong. it’s easy. the old gag where someone gets down on all fours behind you and the person in front of you shoves you over their back.

just thought of something. maybe i have been proven wrong. because, when i wasn’t on this site, some of you were still here. thank you.

::: david - 12:12 AM [+] :::
...