..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Sunday, April 18, 2004

“In the world of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.”
- fortune cookie (or was it Bazooka Joe?)

"Anyone can be a non-drunk. Being a drunk takes endurance."
- Barfly


so what the fuck happened with the second "Kill Bill" movie? if you haven’t seen it i’m going to ruin stuff right now so skip down a paragraph or two if you have to:

first off, is it just me or did she NOT KILL ANYONE IN THIS MOVIE?

Bud gets bitten by a snake (yawn), Elle gets her other eye snatched and squished between some toes (very cool) and left in the corner to think about her evil ways...and Bill? well, he gets dealt the “Five-Fingered Exploding Heart Technique” otherwise known as....“A Quiet Nap In The Grass.”

i have never in my life been so disappointed by a set-up like that. when they first mentioned the possibility of the Exploding Heart i sat back up thinking “you better show that shit” and i figured Tarantino would because he finally showed how a main character loses an eye, instead of just using an eye-patch on a character to make them look cool
("Escape From New York" and "Escape From LA" are the biggest culprits, there is NO excuse for Carpenter not to have at least told a story about how Snake lost his eye, he had two goddamn movie to think of something...anything) so i thought sweet, we’ll see something explode like “Fist of the North Star!” (dude walks away, hero says, "sorry you're already dead!” SPLOOOSH!) but nooooo. instead we have the “Five Fingered Gentle Sleepy Time Technique.” what the fuck? i already put up with Bill slowly making sandwiches (???), talking about goldfish funerals (??????) and more lame comic book crap, so i thought there had to be some kind of decent payoff coming, right? right? nope. and c’mon, are we really supposed to believe that Bill reads Spiderman, Superman and Batman comics? i used to think the most idiotic use of Tarantino dialogue was in “Crimson Tide” when poor Denzel Washington was forced to blather on about Star Trek and the Silver Surfer while dealing with a Russian sub attack on the brink of WWIII:

“Sir, we are at Def-con 2.”
“Beam me up Scotty!”
“What?’
“Nothing. What the situation?”
“Sir, two torpedoes in the water.”
“Okay, i’m Spiderman and you’re kryptonite, now shoot some gamma rays into that radio
and get us back in the ball game Scotty!”
“Sir, i don’t understand....”
“Goddammit boy! you ever hear the saying “what would Jesus do?” well, i’m asking
you, what would Batman do! get it done!”
“Uhhh, what?”
“Never mind. Float the buoy...”

actually, the comic book references were more intrusive than that. same thing with this one. and if Tarantino is really such a comic book fan, why does he read only the shit ones? that’s like saying your a music fan but only if it’s on Billboard’s top 10. and i just heard that he’s working on a part 3 and 4 or whatever. he says it’s going to be like his "Fistfull of Dollars trilogy? troubling. it’s like what happened to Stephen King and that Dark Tower bullshit. now everything he does has to be part of this long complicated mythology and we’ll never get a decent self-sustaining movie out of him again. i don’t know. there was some good stuff i guess. since he asked for it, here’s a “Fistfull of Dollars” type synopsis:

The Good:
-the eyeball
-Michael Madsen (although the only reason he was such a sorry bastard was because that fat Elvis looking motherfucker wasn’t going to do a single weekend of sword training for this flick. did anyone believe it for a minute when they hinted that he was a master swordsman back in the day? no wonder he slipped on a banana peel and died to avoid a silly looking fight. wait, i’m sorry, he got bit by a snake)
-that punching practice (although you can also see it in Karate Kid 3)
-the escape from the coffin
-the 70s kung fu music
-the trailer fight with the chick from Splash
-uhhh, the eyeball...

The Bad:
-Bill making sandwiches
-Bill cutting the crusts off the sandwiches
-Bill playing with toy guns
-Bill talking about comic books (i swear, when he started babbling about “truth serums” i thought he was going to start talking about Wonder Woman’s magic truth lasso)
-Bill telling the goldfish story over the course of about a half hour (i felt like i spent a week with that drowsy bastard)
-Bill waiting for her to put the kid to bed
-Bill doing dishes
-Bill baking a cake
-Bill cutting one of those construction paper snowflakes
-Bill drawing a turkey with the outline of his hand
-Bill running down to Home Depot for some shower curtain rings
-Bill deciding not to hit Bed Bath and Beyond because there’s “not enough time.”
-Bill not fighting for shit
-Bill curling up in the grass to die in his sleep after being hit with the “Slow Motion Snooze of Death Technique”
-that spooky little girl (did she give anyone else the creeps when she said “mommy?” i thought the little girl in the Bad Seed seemed for sincere)
-the hundredth time they said “Hanzo Sword,”
-the day at work i spent with Bud (okay he got fired, and he cleans up shit. and then a dog pissed on his leg, then a car hit a mud puddle and got his all wet etc. etc. okay we get it, he’s a loser) but hey, at least spending the day with him was some time spent away from Bill.

The Ugly:
-the bitch with the freaky lip. what the fuck was that?

anyway, i’ll still probably buy “Kill Bill (With Kindness)” once they edit it back together. hopefully all the Bill stuff will be in the middle and the fighting will be at the end. you never know. chronologically Pulp Fiction ended in the middle too. so maybe there’s hope? yeah right, the collector’s edition will just have more Bill. it’ll be called Special Edition: “Kill Bill: Maximum Bill! Learn To Make Bill’s Favorite Cookie!” and i’ll still waste my money and buy it.

hey, off topic but what's up with all the virgins in Pittsburgh? i'm talking about the dudes?!? i've never met, or heard tales about so many twenty (even thirty) something virgins in my life. what's going on around here? hell, by the time you're twenty you could have tripped and stuck your dick in something. c'mon my brothers! move here! we can rule this tiny planet! or, to use an allegory that Tarantino would understand, it's like that Star Trek episode where there's those tiny people that build a statue of the spacemen, and the one gets drunk with power and smashes their city like he's Godzilla (or Calvin and Hobbs). i'd smash a tiny city so fast, i wouldn't even have that long space-madness breakdown. i'd do it the first day, making Godzilla noises the whole time. wait, maybe that was a Twilight Zone episode.

speaking of wasting money on "Kill Bill Collectorzzzzzzzzzzzzz Edition," listen to how stupid i am...i bought the new Limp Bizkit cd because the radio won't touch it and i needed to hear what was so awful that even those lunkhead Durst fans have abandoned him. the horrible reviews got me thinking that it might be good or interesting in a car wreck/end-of-a-band sort of way and boy was i wrong. sounds like Creed. look at how nice it flies out my window though. whee!

however, i also got a new Kottonmouth Kings cd to ease the pain. i'm all about the rap/rock meathead bullshit right now. must be the warm weather. i have no excuse, i’ve never pretended to have good taste in music. anyone can listen to “good” music. bad music, however, takes endurance. steve, you out there? okay you don't like Boy Hits Car but i would HIGHLY recommend Kottenmouth King's “High Society.” it's everything that Limp Dizkit and every other rock-rap group should have been doing. the rapper that you hated (Saint) the one that you said “sounded like he had a mouthful of mashed potatoes," is gone and there's still like nine of them left. they’re like the Slipknot of rap, it's fucking great. and they ramble on about what white dickheads should be rapping about, like, what they find in their couch. Instead of trying to be all hard. just like white boys singing the blues had better be singing about the shitty score they just got on the SAT instead of "The Man."

::: david - 3:44 PM [+] :::
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