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Saturday, January 24, 2004

“It’s late September and I really should be back at school...grad school...truck driving school...any school...”
- Maggie May (as performed by The Bucketmen)

“Why does he have nine fingers? Where is the ring of doom...”
- Return of the King cartoon

“Because. That. Would. Be. A. Waste. Of. Time.”
- Point Break (spoken by a Chili Pepper who is gesturing way too much between words)



restless lately. think i need to get into grad school or something. something. i'll get back to that by the end of this post.

so here’s the movies i’ve been watching this week since i still don’t have any cable or local stations over here:

“Lost Highway” (aka “Do You Remember What This Was About? Fuck It. Keep Going”)

“Point Blank” (no, not “Point Break” i’ll get back to this one in a second)

“Payback” (excellent cars, blue filters and funk music. required viewing after “Point Break,” i mean, “Point Blank”)

“Get Carter” (both versions. required viewing after “Payback”)

“The Limey” (required viewing after “Get Carters” and those “P” movies. tell you why in a minute)

“Ghosts...of the Civil Dead” (no, not “...of the Civil War.” worth the time just to watch Nick Cave draw skeletons in blood all over his prison cell)

“Slacker” (his first and still his best)

“Waking Life” (aka “Talking Talk.” just “Slacker” all over again except not switching main characters when they cross paths. a fatal flaw. also with some Phil Dick and “Vanilla Sky” thrown in to fuck it up more)

“The Vanishing” (both versions because there’s things i like and dislike in both. i like the original ending in the first. i like the extra time spent with the nutjob in the remake)

"Naked" (some of the best dialogue ever, one of the best openings ever, starting with the main character raping someone then spending two hours with him and impossibly he becomes sympathetic. i’ve tried the “point of no return” opening several times. The dead baby story is one. i also did a “Crash” inspired knock-off in a loooooong story called “Perfect Jealous Soldiers” that opened with a moment so disgusting that two girls in my writing workshop protested it)

so yeah, the revenge movies up there? here’s the chronology as near as i can figure:

- Donald Westlake (aka George Stark) writes the book “The Hunter” way back when.

- some British dude gets inspired by the simple (Stark!) hard-boiled tale and writes “Jack’s Return Home,” a book with similar names, situations and style.

- 1967 - John Boorman makes “Point Blank” with Lee Marvin as the character “Walker” who gets shot in the back and decides to rampage through some psychedelic late-60s shit. based on the book “The Hunter.”

- 1971 - the brits step it up and Mike Hodges makes “Get Carter” based on “Jack’s Return Home.” Michael Caine’s finest moment by far. and that’s saying something considering he’s done, what, six thousand movies? check out this flick and be amazed at how nasty that motherfucker is. watch for him to smile when he realizes he left his girlfriend in the trunk of a car that’s going over a cliff. oops.

- the same year “Vanishing Point” and “Two Lane Blacktop” come out suggesting that there was a “little black spot on the sun today...” or at least an eclipse or something that conjured up all these existential masterpieces.

- 1988 - “Point Break” comes out and its biggest impact on me (besides me calling everyone “Johnny Utah” for about a
year) is that i will forever get this movie confused with “Point Blank.”

- 1999 - Brian Helgeland and Mel Gibson remake “Point Blank” with Gibson playing “Porter” instead of “Walker” but obviously basing his charter on “Carter.” the movie is way better than it should be considering the studio tinkering after audiences didn’t want to “root for the bad guy” (like the poster said). things that saved the movie: the cars, the music, Kris Kristofferson saying “talk before you find out what your left nut tastes like” and the hammer party the goons have on Gibsons bare feet: “this little piggy stayed home!” squash.

- 1999 - Steven Soderburgh decides to pay tribute to ALL these things by cramming them all into one surprising slooooooow movie called “The Limey” he uses Terrance (“kneel before Zod!”) Stamp to play an obvious Walker/Carter/Porter character, and also hired Barry Neuman (the guy who finally found “The Vanishing Point” in the movie of the same name) and Peter Fonda to stack the deck for 60s/70s nostalgia. he also uses clips from Stamps movie “Poor Cow” (aka “Poor Man’s Get Carter”) as flashbacks for Wilson (aka Walker aka Carter aka Porter) and this turns out to be the best idea he ever had. the movie is slow as snails fucking and somehow excellent in spite of it. just like “Two Lane Blacktop.”

- 2000 - “The Limey” up there is where it all should have ended. in a perfect world maybe. however, someone shat out a “Get Carter” remake with Stallone as Carter and actually it wasn’t as awful as expected for a couple reasons: strangely pleasing techno soundtrack. lots of rain. Michael Caine (the original “Carter”) shows up to tower over everything. Sly don’t talk much. Mickey Roarke. specifically, Mickey Roarke actually breaking Stallone’s ribs. true story. see number twelve on this list.

i like those movies. they make me write better. watch:

See Jack run.

See Jack get revenge.

speaking of movies. enough time has passed and everyone agrees that Lord of the Rings is the greatest thing since that new tuna in the pouch so it’s time to criticize it!

what’s up with all that whining Frodo does in those movies? listen to that little bitch for five seconds:

“the weight of this ring is unbearable....oh the burden is heavy...oh it tugs at my very soul...oh i cannot continue Sam I Am, i cannot eat green eggs and ham...oh the weight on my shoulder is like a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters....oh when does this burden end...oh how it pulls me to the ground as if i had a brick tied to my balls...”

for fuckssake Frodo, suck it up. it’s just a ring. i mean, maybe if the Hobbits were like, mouse-sized i could see how heavy it is. because then it would look like he was dragging a hubcap. but since he’s is NOT mouse-sized, he needs to suck it up and quit the whimpering. wait, i’ve got it! or put the ring on his toe! there you go! problem solved! i mean, they got those big hairy hobbit feet, stick the damn thing on his big toe. bam! skip all the way to Mount Doom. and that would throw everyone off too. the bad guy would be all confused at what he was seeing, and hell the ring probably wouldn't have any effect on a toe. less “unbearable” weight. i’m serious, the toe is the solution. did anyone try it? nope. and it automatically adjusts for any size so i say stick it on his Hobbit dick if he has too. those big-ass feet probably means Hobbits are hung like race-horses. give me the damn rign, i’ll carry it. i’d have all sorts of fun with the “Ring of Doom” to break up the monotony of that trip. give everyone a surprise when they look into those crystal balls:

“i see the end of the world and the city of Gondor in ruins and-whoa-what the fuck is that? damn Halflings are high again...”

just like the good old days when you sneak someone’s camera at a party to stick it down your shorts for a surprise snapshot when they get their memories developed. i’m thinking maybe we’re not getting the whole story about how Frodo came back home with nine fingers instead of ten.

speaking of “Vanishing Point,” time for a road trip. gonna hang with some college friends. i’m still going through these phases where i don’t really feel like i live here and i jump on the chance to drive to Cleveland, Columbus, Toledo, Detroit or Millbury to do things i could easily do right here. maybe it’ll wear off eventually. i don’t know. okay, my first song for the drive is on deck and ready to go. Social Distortion “Down Here With The Rest Of Us.” off “White Heat, White Light, White Trash.” i highly recommend buying, downloading or stealing it just for that song. it’s perfect for pulling out onto a gray slush-covered road.

hey! speaking of Cleveland, remind me to tell you the story of the mental patient i used to live next to back in school. this dude was actually insane and it ended up being an infectious condition. i don’t have time to type it out today.

one more thing. as i do hundreds of push-ups between paragraphs and look forward to driving today with a smile, i realize that i think about things too much and, even though you would think that would help with creativity and writing and my mood, it actually makes me less productive and dark. so it stops now. no more pondering things six ways and feeling bad when i see someone hating their life while they watch the clock at the gas station and ring up my ice cream. i will set a new level of detachment that anyone who knew me will find familiar. this is “the new way.’ check it out. i’ll just be doing shit from now on with little or no reasoning. like putting this small rubber globe on top of my left speaker. see that? no telling what i’ll do. and more driving. yeah. driving good.

ready.
set.
go.

::: david - 4:25 PM [+] :::
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