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Sunday, January 04, 2004

“Dude, I’ve seen a lot of spinal injuries and this guy is a fake. This guy walks. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life...”
- The Big Lebowski


i will now produce evidence to blow the lid off a ruse that’s been perpetrated on the American public for years. you’ve seen these everywhere. The "Truman Show" poster made them famous, that Elvis Archive poster got some press on the anniversary of the King shitting himself to death, hell, i even saw one of these done as parody for the poster for the classic "Dumb and Dumber." sure, they seem harmless enough, and maybe i shouldn't be wasting my time throwing back the curtain on this fraud, and don't i have anything better to do with my time etc etc. however, a lie is a lie and i now have proof!

(waving an ominous looking manila folder above my head)

Photomosaics are a scam.

it all started when i was staring at one of these things one day, much like the fat dude in "Mallrats" (although that was a Magic Eye picture and something completely different, and so far i’ve yet to prove that Magic Eye pictures cause nosebleeds, a project for another time) anyway, i noticed something. the fop who invented this crap looks just like David Blaine! check him out! coincidence? okay, that wasn't my revelation. this is what i noticed:

three of the little photos are repeated and......wait for it......they’re different colors!

think about that. that punk's whole point was that you could take a million little pictures and, by using the computer from the movie "Wargames," you could place these tiny photos in a certain order, and by taking advantage of the light and dark spots on all these little pictures, you would create a larger picture that would become visible when you looked at it from a distance. sounds good huh? problem is, that ain't what they're doing. You don’t need all that technology if you're just shading the existing pictures to make them form the larger image and THAT’S what these fuckers are doing. okay, check this out. if you look at some pieces i’ve cut from that dude’s own book, you’ll see that i’ve circled the smoking gun. correction:

three smoking guns

busted! those are the same little pictures, but lighter and darker depended on how they needed to use the shadows to make the big picture. that’s a fucking cheat and they are fucking busted and this dude should be running like roaches when the lights come on. and if that’s all they've ever been doing, then they should admit it. instead they keep pretending they're using unaltered photos to make the image. i think by showing the same picture with different colors and shading to it, i've proven that they are using a much easier method. fuck man, i could make one of these photomosaics right now without the patents and MIT degree and insufferable quotes like "the most innovative and accessible artist of our time." okay, watch me:

i just took five pictures of my cats and drew a smiley face over them with a magic marker. POW. took me five seconds and i gots me a photomosaic. using their same technique i could make over ten every minute. and he's getting commissioned by Newsweek and Bill Gates and the King of Jordan to do portraits??? i'll do one for you for 5 bucks, people! you could do it too! the marker i use? it isn't really "magic." this hoax is unacceptable. basically, all Rob Silver is doing is a high-tech version of the old moustache over an existing picture gag. how come people aren’t marching on this clown’s house with pitchforks and torches???

time out. sweet! there’s a boat going down the river out my window! i’ve been waiting to see one since i moved in this apartment. okay, so it ain’t the Edmund Fitzgerald but it is some sort of big metal industrial-looking vessel! cool. okay, back to business:

so am i the only one who notices this shit? rise up people! next stop, Magic Eye crap. then that sleepy-eyed faggot David Blaine! then i will go on to prove that, not only was Ron Kovac never shot in the spine, and he can walk any time he wants, he was not Born On The Fourth Of July either. then i will go on to prove that Charlie Sheen deserved the Oscar for his garbage-man movie. then, if i got time, i will prove that Meatloaf's “Bat Out of Hell” is every inch the masterpiece that “Sgt. Peppers” isn’t. then i will drive back to Indiana to collect pictures of the “Amish” (notice i use quotes around “Amish” to show my righteous doubt) watching TV and listening to rock and roll just like the rest of us. then...

never mind.

in other news today:

Geeks Don’t Know Their Shit!

true story. you’d think that dorks would need to have studied their Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or Star Trek or Babylon 5 but every time i dissect their crap, they don’t have the stats to back anything up and i send them home to their mother's basements crying. i mean, don’t you have to take some kind of test to wear the pointed ears? what the hell. a novice like me spanks them on plot inconsistencies and continuity problems every time i overhear a conversation. and not ONCE can they defend their beloved nonsense. they should be ashamed to wear the uniform.

also, i’ve been keeping a cricket alive in the lizard tank, just to see how long it will last. kinda like when the kid dies in the movies and the parent keeps the room the same. except this cricket won’t shut the fuck up. i feed it apples and in return get to listen to it chirp 24-7. i used to think this was a noble cause, turning the food supply of my former pet into a temporary pet, but now i’m just trying to keep it alive long enough for my next creature to rip it’s noisy ass in half.

and finally, you know how some people see something like a little kid picking a flower or a chimp holding a kitten like a baby and it makes their day? with me, it’s when i overhear some guy say, “that bitch last night talked just like Cousin It!” heard that around noon and i’ve been smiling ever since. at least until after my chicken and beer tonight. reminds me of some lyrics by Pulp:

"This is the music from the bachelor's den, the sound of loneliness turned up to ten..."

scratch that song. how about "Gasoline" by Catherine Wheel instead? can't sleep. time to drive somewhere. i've explored three towns in every direction. it reminds me of the movie "Gattica" when the two brothers are swimming and the one brother can't understand why he beats him every time, in spite of his heart problems, the brother says, "because i never saved anything for the swim back." i think about that alot while i'm driving. which is why i've run out of gas in every car i've owned.

::: david - 6:39 PM [+] :::
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