..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Monday, December 08, 2003

“The lessons here cannot be avoided. Big Business is humorless. And...at Disney, nobody fucks with The Mouse.”
- Harlan Ellison - “The 3 Most Important Things In Life”



since everyone has all that Christmas shopping to do (btw, the most disturbing Christmas song lyrics heard on the radio lately are the "mommy kissing santa" song, the song that says "waiting for the man with the bag," bag of what? drugs? heads? and the song that mentions "children with their eyes all aglow," creepy. what the hell is that? Village of the Damned?") and since no one’s got time to watch movies...i’m gonna do it for you! again! by having me watch this movie, right at this moment, you can save some of that precious time that Daylight Savings robbed from you. see, scriptwriters will tell you that one page of a script equals one minute of screen time, so we’ll say one page of my website equals three minutes cause it's as dense as a 70s bush, so you'll still save about an hour by me watching movies for you. you just read what i wrote, pretend you’re sitting here with me in my new apartment eating popcorn surrounded by a wall of dust and boxes and POW! you sneaked in a movie right there at work, right there in your cubicle or on your smoke break. yep, that’s right! it’s back! and this time it’s wearing a badge...

THE REAL TIME REVIEW!

tonight’s movie:

The Pirates of the Caribbean

starring Johnny “21 Jump Street” Depp, a cute blonde girl who shot an arrow through my heart in “Lord of the Rings," the dude from Brazil, Natalie Portman, and the guy who was writing in his own shit in “Quills.”

-FBI needs 300 words to say “don’t steal shit.”
-those forced previews again on this dvd eh? where you can’t skip unless you push menu, since they hope that people will hit fast-forward, then sigh and watch them anyway. Disney is big on this forced previews crap.
-what the hell is this preview? Hidalgo? what is that? no one will be able to remember that stupid title. hey, it’s Viggo! the King himself. if anyone wants to see Viggo in his prime check out "Carlito’s Way" (i’m wearing fucking diapers!”) or "G.I. Jane" because he kicks the ever-loving shit out of Demi Moore in that movie.
-true story my ass. looked like deleted scenes from "The Mummy."
-i'm not used to the buttons on the remote on this loaner dvd player. i'm fumbling around in the dark like Kevin Spacey lighting his cigarette in "Usual Suspects."
-here we go, movie’s starting. no credits. i like it when they do that.
-”bad luck to be singing about pirates” he says. he’s right. just ask Kristy McNicol in “The Pirate Movie.”
-a Disney movie. what am i thinking.
-ha! look at these fops. tell me, why are all Englishmen homosexual?
-someone just said “Holy Mary, mother of god,” i can’t begin to tell you how utterly sick i am of that phrase being whispered in awe as a shortcut to actually awing the audience.
-great entrance for Depp's character with the sinking boat. more characters should have big introductory moments like that.
-hey, Natalie Portman! oops, guess not.
-is that her mom? oh flashback. i was confused. see what happens when flashbacks aren’t in black and white?
-that reminds me, the other day i was bragging about things i invented but couldn’t prove it. here’s one more: T-shirts that say “Got MLF?” my idea i swear.
-i’m still confused. is this curly-haired little girl supposed to be the young version of Orlando Bloom? i’ve always thought Orlando was a strange name for a girl.
-one of my ex-girlfriends was in love with Orlando Bloom and had a picture on her fridge of Legolas, with her lovely long blonde hair flowing over her elfin ears and bow and arrow. i thought it was odd for my ex to swoon over a magnet with a chick on it but those were the only lesbian tendencies i noticed in her.
-nice wigs boys. is that why most of the soft white men in our goverment have those big fluffy heads of overly-styled gray hair? they want to be English fops like those pictures in the history books? every faggot on Fox News has that same look. big soft fat face, weak chin, American flag necktie.
-sweet, a sword. let’s get some swordfights cookin' here.
-where the hell did Depp go?
-wait, that girl just said she had a dream about “when we met” but she’s talking to a dude. hold on. if that dude was the little boy, and she was the little girl then...hey! Orlando Bloom is a dude! then who the fuck was that hot chick in Lord of the Rings? does he have a sister with the same name?
-black people have entered stage left! watch them be either wacky or wise.
-damn she looks like Natalie Portman.
-there’s Johnny Depp! hello. he’s drunk.
-lot of exposition by these foppish dandies about this “Black Pearl” ship
-i thought there were pirates in this movie? spending an awful lot of time land-locked here boys.
-check out Depp. he’s hammered.
-but he swims like the Man From Atlantis.
-she’s not breathing. loosen that corset Depp. he did!
-now where’s he going? water is THAT way shithead. are we gonna hit the seas sometime this year people?
-Orlando is sporting the Ethan-Hawke-sixth-grader-catfish-looking facial hair.
-lame ass sword fight.
-hello! his name is NOT Indigo Montoya! prepare to sigh.
-Little Debbie snack cake break...okay i’m back. my first groceries for my new crib were purchased today. the essentials only. bread, peanut butter, spaghetti supplies and pickles.
-never have the two leads in a movie sword fight in the first twenty minutes because there is ZERO suspense. you know neither will die, unless the rest of the movie is a flashback (hopefully in black and white for the narrative-impaired like me)
-now he’s in jail? for fucksake. you know what the “secret of the black pearl” is? it’s that there are no pirate ships in this damn movie.
-you know, the girl who rented me this snoozer had to tell me, “when the movie was over, i sat there a second, then turned to my friend and said, i think i loved it!” i should have thought about her statement a little more than i did. clearly she meant to say, “i’m supposed to love it, right? okay! then i do!”
-hey! a pirate ship! 'bout fucking time yo.
-you know what's a good pirate movie? "Roman Polanski’s Pirates." much sweatier and greaser than this.
-how can a man move a glass eye around in the socket? Gangs of New York screwed that up too.
-that’s the third person who got bonked in the head, crossed their eyes, and keeled over. so stupid. does anybody really think that's funny? fucking lame.
-let me check something...okay. we’re at the 45 minute mark and still on freaking land. unacceptable.
-oh, now we finally set sail. 50 minutes in? watch it turn out to just be a dream someone is having under a tree.
-gee, back on land again. what a shock. you know, there’s more high seas action in “Conquest” (an unusually expensive X-rated feature i own)
-are those robot pigs?
-notice that the bucket of water that Depp throws on that actor keeps generating steam. that's because actors are pussies and need warm comfortable water thrown in their face on the set or else they'll shit themselves.
-check out Disney inserting that crap about Depp's character having sun-stroke to explain his "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" type antics. so fucking obvious that Disney was scared and forced those lines in there after they saw some early footage.
-so is the monkey cursed too?
-if i was to do a porn parody of this i’d have chicks with huge hairy bushes and have pirates having to cut their way through the jungle with swords. i’d call it, “The Curse of the Black Curls”
-skeletons. oh boy, here comes the computer crap.
-the line “start believing in ghost stories, you’re in one” is a good line actually.
-ha! the monkey is cursed! little skeleton monkey. skeleton parrot would have been funnier.
-nice styrofoam cave. looks like a Star Trek set.
-Depp is so drunk it’s not even funny.
-“Captain Jack will get you high tonight...take you to that special island...” name that tune.
-i wonder if Depp had to get faced every day to motivate himself to pimp his skills to Disney.
-i thought this movie would be much funnier than this.
-why would the monkey be cursed too?
-Not Natalie looks hot walking the plank.
-she’s got some weird snarling thing going on with her bottom teeth.
-the pirate with the CG eye just used the word "ironic" incorrectly.
-now Depp is pretending his character is drunk, when he’s clearly been drunk since the first day of shooting.
-why does everyone keep saying "more of a guideline than a rule?" wasn't that from "Ghostbusters?"
-blame the French jokes. yawn. pandering to the "freedom fries" idiots.
-the underwater pirates are very cool. of course, underwater zombies are always cool. add a zombie vs. shark scenario and we’re talking perfection.
-okay, they look like corpses in the moonlight because that's their true form right? and that's why the guy from Quills says he can't taste anything, because it runs out their rotted ribcage, right? they're like walking dead, right? so why does Depp's moonlight x-ray version make him look rotted too, if he just got cursed 10 minutes ago? he shouldn't have rotted yet. or at least have his skeleton be all shiny like in a medical lab.
-"the question is, where do they find all these skeletons with perfect teeth? i think they got a skeleton farm over there in India!" name that movie. it's twice the movie this is. i'm watching it next.
-"like the Pirates of the Caribbean, the neighborhood watch don't like what they're seein'!" - little Kottonmouth Kings for ya'll! what's their problem with the neighborhood watch anyway? seems like a silly nemesis for them to dwell on.
-now is where i take the time to blame my friend Steve for recommending this crap. to punish
him i will reveal that, in high school, he used to record Kansas videos and M.A.S.H. episodes.
-skeleton fight ending. reminds me of "Army of Darkness."
-what an insanely over-hyped, instantly-forgettable movie this was.
-"Army of Darkness" got it done. this did not.
-this movie would be a reasonable length if it wasn't for that meandering clusterfuck of a first act.
-i just realized a huge mistake they made. okay, if they threw "Bootstrap" Turner overboard after they stole that gold then that means that Bootstrap was cursed too. and that means that he wouldn't be able to drown since we saw all the cursed pirates casually strolling underwater in that one scene earlier. so that means that Orlando's daddy isn't dead after all...at least until Orlando lifted the curse by cutting his hand. thanks son! imagine the scene: Bootstrap, tied to a cannon on the bottom of the ocean hoping to one day get set free when thousands of miles away Orlando bleeds on the coin. At that moment Bootstrap turns mortal, looks down at a fish tugging on whats left of his sac and BLURP! he drowns. bet he died angry. hey, maybe this movie is actually funnier than i gave it credit for!
-some thoughts regarding "Army of Darkness" that sum up my opinion of this flick:

one third the budget
half the running time
ten times more fun

::: david - 8:12 PM [+] :::
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