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Thursday, November 13, 2003

"They'd stick by you if they could. But that's just bullshit, baby. People they just ain't no good."
-Nick Cave

"Lighthouses are more important than churches."
-Ben Franklin

"Where are you from?
"Toledo, sir."
"How far is that from the river?"
"The Ohio River sir?"
-Apocalypse Now


finally saw Matrix Revolutions. It sucks. finally saw Terminator 3. it's much better than Matrix 3. T3 has some beautiful vehicular mayhem about 20 minutes in and some surprisingly powerful moments, like the Governor holding a coffin with one arm and mowing down LA's finest with his other arm. Matrix boast the worst quasi-religious shit dialogue since...the last Matrix movie. don't get me started on the plot holes. like why don't the machines tap into the solar power right above the clouds? like how do all the Smiths (meaning all the assimilated humans at the end) detonate without killing everyone plugged into the Matrix? why don't they have an EMP anywhere in the city for the last battle when it's the best weapon to fight the squids? where are the other 30 hovercrafts when the battle starts? why doesn't this movie end with a Rage Against the Machine song like the other two? how does Fishburne get so fat eating nothing but oatmeal? how does Ted continue to stop bullets with his hand but he can't stop a punch? fucking stupid. and that twist i thought i'd predicted one movie back when i emerged angry from Matrix Reloaded (which now looks like a fucking masterpiece compared to this mewling monstrosity) where i predicted it would be "eXistenZ Part 2: eXistenZZZZZZ?" turns out i made the same mistake i always do: i thought about the story more than the filmmakers did.

it does have a cool battle about halfway in with these Battlebot dudes vs. swarms of flying squid machines. but the whole time i was thinking it reminded me of something and then suddenly i realized what it was. and any child of the 80s will know exactly what i'm talking about. three words:

Galaga Bonus Round.

it's so true. i've never been so dead-on accurate in my entire life. except maybe when i called Rammstein "Nine Inch Nazis" and that phrase swept the country like a West Coast wildfire. serious. Galaga bonus round. watch it and you'll see what i'm talking about. no don't watch it. just trust me instead.

my step-brother gets on a plane for Iraq at 5:00 am today. if you're reading this, send me massive email bro. and that's all i'll say about this war because i don't need no Agent Smith-looking Patriot Act-enforcing dudes knocking on my door because of my rants. i'll just save them for a nose-to-nose shoutfest with the next drunken arm-chair general i encounter. you know, i'd pay real money to cross-paths with one in the next couple days. i will be taking the low-road on that political debate and i'll put that fuck's head through the floor faster than he can say "america love it or leave it." okay, this is my promise: i am putting my elbow through the window of the next car i see with a "god bless america" sticker on it. i'll take a picture of it too so nobody thinks i'm joking.
i'm in a shit mood tonight. i want to fuck someone up so bad right now i can hardly contain myself. where's my Grand Theft Auto? i think i just regressed about 10 years watching Jessica Lynch crap on CNN. look at that dull expression on her face. wait, that's Elizabeth Smart. Jessica just said that "god saved her." never mind what i think about those beliefs for a second. how does that sound to someone who's son or daughter was in the hummer with her and got killed (apparently they were all shooting while she was curled up in a ball in the back) and then she says that shit to the cameras? since she was chosen to be "saved" i guess she's also saying her god killed them. them being everyone else in the truck who wasn't doing the sandcrab manuever under the seats? i that's what she must be saying with her "god saved me" horseshit. believers and non-believers can finally agree! people shouldn't speak! stupid fucking bitch should have left her tongue over there. and hey! i just discovered a new commercial to hate instead of those smug "Truth" anti-smoking ads:

anyone catch the ones with the people wearing the words "Child Abuser" across their backs as they lead their weepy-eyed children in and out of resturants and elevators while a troubled bystander looks on? "trust your instincts" the commercial tells us. that's all we need, to trust the instincts of the same bitch who normally takes an interest in a mother and child when she's glaring down her nose because the child isn't being disciplined enough. got to encourage these people to trust those feelings that make them want to spank or rescue every child they see in public because they know what's good for everyone else. fucking psychics or something! they see words on people's backs! hopefully the letters on my back read "Chronic Masterbator!" goddamn these commercials piss me off. they know what's best, they're just waiting for this chance to make a phone call and turn someone in. the ones that will flood this hotline? you've seen them before. they're the ones that sigh oh-so-impatiently when someone's child is acting up in line at the airport. they try to let everyone know that they wouldn't stand for such behaviour. now it turns out those nosy cunts will also be deputized to weed out child abusers as effectively as they glare at parents who don't spank their kids hard enough in grocery stores, all with the power of their minds! it's a miracle! trust your instincts? fuck you. you know, i see words on people's backs too! you know what they tell me to do? and i wouldn't trust a stranger to flush a toilet that isn't their own, why the fuck would i trust one to judge someone's parenting skills after riding two floors with them in an elevator? goddamn people are worthless. i would destroy this TV right now if it wasn't mine. i'm like the descent of man over here, i'm like the first knuckle-dragger on that evolution chart - look for me about three dudes to the left of the upright human.

got a new apartment. small but it's got a view of the Ohio River, a view of an ancient train yard, and a view of a big green bridge. hopefully it'll be good for writing. i move in two weeks.

::: david - 12:54 AM [+] :::
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