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Tuesday, November 25, 2003

"Phone's ringing dude!"
-Big Lebowski
-My Paris Hilton Fuck Tape

if anyone is curious, here's the Paris Hilton video everyone is babbling about. yes, it is me in the video and i just have to add that she is quite an annoying fuck because she never stopped wiggling around and yappin' and messing with her goddamn phone and it got on my nerves something fierce and it's too bad that the battery dies on my camera before you get to see my inevitable dickslap that mercifully knocked her unconscious. the irony is that i banged this dunce named Paris Hilton...at a Best Western! now that's irony! i think. did i use the word irony correctly? don't worry about it, i said the same thing to her at the check-in counter and she didn't know whether i was being "ironic" either. course she wasn't the brightest thing in the world. poor thing believed that my camera was actually a humidifier. sucker! okay, enter at your own risk:

this is what it looks like when you fuck an idiot

like beth said, "joke her if she can't take a fuck."

so anyway, i was looking at the grad schools around here like Pittsburg and Carnegie Mellon and i hear that at CMU it's not just a problem of boy to girl ratio, there is a problem of girl to "Dave" ratio. this is an actual statistic (i read it somewhere so it has to be true): there are more dudes named "Dave" on that campus than there are girls. clearly this fact hits close to home and i won't be applying there.

oh yeah, as part of our all-request Tuesday night - this one goes out to Sean: another excerpt from my 57-volume work "Everything That Is Wrong With The Matrix." today's comment deals with the first film:

how come Neo-Geo never tries to unplug friends/family or girlfriends from the evil tubs of goo when he realizes what's up? obviously they aren't his biological mother or father or brother or sister, but they would be someone that he thought of as family or friends or whatever that you'd think he need to release at least one person he knew from his/her cannibalistic hell between kung-fu/bad techno/and K.D. Lang courting (oops i mean Trinity). but he never mentions or even wonders about these people? you know why he doesn't think of that? because this filmmakers didn't think of that! Ted just happily plays videogames and figures fuck 'em! let them go on sucking off electric machine teats in their tubes! living off the liquified dead ain't so bad! hey, check out my new sunglasses!

and if anyone can explain to me how Neo-Geo can stop bullets but not fists...please let me know. you know what else can't be stopped? a wet dick to the face! just ask Paris "crawlsaroundtoomuchinthesack" Hilton. POW! speaking of Paris: The Real World's on. score! i want to be on The Real World so i can spend the whole season making airplane noises with my pants around my ankles. i'd do it, i swear.

::: david - 10:25 PM [+] :::
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