..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Thursday, October 02, 2003

"Watch the skies..."
-The Thing (1951 version)

"Eat the orange peel before you eat the orange and it'll taste that much sweeter, even if it's rotten."
-The Me (1987 version)


what up. haven't been on here in a while. been looking for a new apartment. want something with a view, seeing how there's all these trees 'n shit around here. you'd think that wouldn't be too much to ask but all these places are facing the wrong way. there will be this sweet view of the river and the window is looking at a Taco Bell. or a big green hill covering half the sky, and the window faces the dumpster. not ready to settle yet but i'm getting dangerously close to settling. also the "cat friendly" ones are a little scarce. cat friendly means they charge an extra 50 bucks a month. that don't sound too friendly to me. if i have to pay that, i'm going to make damn sure my cats do 50 dollars worth of damage every month. what do i do if my cats are tired? i'm not going to waste that money. i'll be chewing on the screen door if i have to take up their slack.

i'm going to try something new today:

The Real Time Review!

beware, this will ruin the film if you haven't seen it yet. okay, right now i've just turned on...

Dreamcatcher

the only name i recognized off the box was Brody from "Mallrats." i mean Banky. whoever. okay, here's the thing...i'm going to review it just as if i was leaning over in the theater and complaining about crap in your ear. here goes:

-wait, this is already ripping off The Thing
-now it rips off It
-for fucks sake, it's ripping off Diner?
-rips off Stand By Me
-rips off my nuts
-yawn, more bullshit pop culture references
-hey, he just said "Reefer Sutherland!" funny
-jesus fucking christ, another noble retard. this is a trend that has got to stop.
-ha! they're forcing the retarded kid to eat shit. i did that once. except i mixed it in with a pepsi and mud and tried to fool her. she wasn't retarded though. i got in trouble for that. i also got in trouble for charging kids a nickel a game to play with a tiny Tomy (?) Pocket Slot Machine. the games were rigged 'cause these kids didn't know how to win and this one kid's dad came stomping over to my friend Shawn's garage where our "Casino" was set up and grabbed me by the-

(shhh!)

-sorry.
-hey, how come retards never look retarded in movies?
-how come bullies in movies look like such pussies?
-if that kid tried bullying me in grade school i'd still be hitting him today
-a rock fight! sweeeeet.
-no rock fight! what?!? this movie blows. these kids don't talk or act like anything resembling real kids. and how does a kid pick up a rock and not fucking throw it??? inexcusable. the best rock fight ever was in "How To Eat Fried Worms." that was one of the greatest things i ever read, i think it actually had a chapter called "The Apocalyptic Rock Fight" well, if it didn't it should have-

(shhhhhh!)

-sorry
-i thought that dickhead got hit by a car ten minutes ago.
-serious. why the hell is he still alive? he got smiz-zoked
-this movie jumps around too much.
-i'll bet Stephen King put that scene in there because he got hit by that van.
-i signed a giant "get well" card for Stephen King from my old bookstore. i wrote a smartass comment on it but i can't remember what it was
-hey, i know where i saw that dude before. he was the killer in Scream 2.
-the one who shot Mikey!
-wait, that wasn't Mikey. it was the fat kid from Stand By Me and Sliders. Mikey got shot in Heathers
-and the other dude? he rode a shark in Deep Blue Sea
-that was a better movie
-this movie need sharks
-what movie wouldn't be better with sharks? that's what i'm talking about
-very cool looking snow though
-snow shark! please let there be a snow shark!
-cool car wreck just now
-movie just got better
-if the screen was an EKG, the heartbeat just spiked
-this looks like real snow. this and The Dead Zone have great crunching snow scenes.
-another pedestrian almost getting clipped by a truck. told you King was inspired by his accident
-if this has one of those dumb Stephen King cameo i will indicate it by headbutting the keyboard
-cool "Watership Down" moment with some animals fleeing something in the woods
-rips off The Thing again
-these people don't act or react like real people
-huge Thing rip-off just now
-crazy Swedes in a helicopter!
-that mass squirrel/bear/deer exodus was cool but it could have been very cool. another idea squandered
-so far six farts in this movie, and they're not played for laughs and that's worse
-mysterious blood on the mattress. "you get nosebleeds Fink?"
-that fag just said "scooby dooby doo, we got some work to do" and he was being serious
-ha! dude just shit a bloody alien into a toilet! another spike on the EKG!
-ha! they flushed it! there's hope...
-what's up with the toothpicks on the floor there, Rainman?
-Jason Lee's name is "Beaver?" stupid
-this rips off Cronenberg's Shivers. that reminds me, i just bought Cronenberg's Brood even though my dvd player is in a box and i swore i wouldn't buy any more movies for a long time. i had to though because i have it on tape and this new version has like 5 extra minutes of goo so it wasn't like i really bought anything new-

(shhhhhhhhh!)

-sorry
-holy crap. what a lame-ass, unimaginative alien that is.
-this thing i'm looking at is even worse than the aliens in Mission To Mars
-what the? okay, its head just exploded into little red spores.
-"well bless my ass!" (-Johnny Handsome) Morgan Freeman just showed up.
-Morgan Freeman just said, "you wouldn't want it marrying your sister!" hmmm, i don't think that statement was supposed to be so racially charged
-they call the alien "Ripley, after the chick in the Alien movies," how lazy was that?
-ha! they called the alien they flushed a "shit weasel"
-Freeman keeps calling people "bucko," a typical shortcut to actual characterization

time out. i have to go heat up some seafood left over from last night. Shrimp, squid, scallops. mmm. looks a little like the "shit weasel" actually...
okay i'm back:

-they've been fighting the aliens for "25 years?"
-whenever i hear something like that in a movie, i always think that, in those 25 years, i'll bet there were much more interesting stories to tell
-another alien got shat out someone's ass into the world
-the alien shitting is actually getting kind of entertaining
-sort of got a snow shark thing going on right now. please let there be snow sharks.
-i can't believe it, my wish came true! sort of.
-ha! dude just got bit in the nards while pissing someone's name in the snow! another heartbeat spike. this movie might rally at the end here and win me over
-the orange peels in this shrimp taste nasty reheated
-i used to eat orange peels all the time so the orange would taste better
-i remember explaining my reasons to someone on the track team back in 1987. he asked for the orange like i was going to suffer through the peels and just throw the best part away. i got third place that day in the high hurdles
-these people in the movie don't seem cold even when they've been buried in snow for hours
-the alien has a british accent when it takes over a body? fucking dumb
-that british accent on the possessed dudes is dumb as a box of hammers
-the guy who had an alien swinging from his dick five minutes earlier is fine now??? c'mon. heartbeat has stopped. flatline.
-still no heartbeat. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-snowmobile chase? doctor, we have a pulse!
-false alarm. no snowmobile chase. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-man slowly sticking his face into alien pod thing. another Alien rip off.
-how can they call a character "Beaver" with a straight face? ha! he just yelled at the alien,"you killed Beaver!"
-stupid CGI alien just layed some eggs. they look like the food Lou Gossett Jr. was eating in Enemy Mine
-dude just said, "so long Beaver, love ya man!" me too!
-flashback alert. zzzzzz
-apparently retarded people are from space, or so this movie seems to suggest
-now that's a planet that would be very easy to conquer
-you ever see Velvet Goldmine? that movie suggested that homosexuals, or at least Oscar Wilde, were from space too
-now that's a sci-fi movie i'd want to see: the Gay Planet vs. the Retard Planet
-wait! i did see that, it was called Star Wars! Boo ya!
-this little kid with the glasses needs a beating
-that grass is way too green. why is this movie on soundstages all the sudden? where's all the cool scenery?
-hmm, four kids walking down the railroad tracks, looking for a body in the weeds? gee, where have i seen this before?
-still no sharks
-lots of snowmobiles and no snowmobile chases. what is up?
-Tom Sizemore alert. shouldn't Malory be tweaking his nipple? Born bad! i was boor-or-orn, born baaaad
-whoa. big UFO crashsite on the horizon. very cool
-CGI helicopters. not cool
-i wish more people would have read that last story i posted. i think they bailed because of the opening line, even though the line was sort of a tease. or maybe the ones i'm putting up are too long
-hey, the UFO just turned into a giant helicopter-eating blood clot
-how long is this thing anyway? check it out, if i finish this movie, and 2 Fast 2 Furious! by seven 'o clock, i get two bucks credit towards my new shit movie.
-dude just said, "bite my bag," typical Stephen Kingism. has anyone ever said that? ever? then why do ALL his characters say it over and over
-the whole "memory warehouse" device in this movie is a complete failure
-this asshole is running around packing away boxes of "memories" every time the alien tries to read his thoughts. i'm thinking this concept would have looked just as bad on paper
-all the good snow scenes were in the first 3rd, the last 3rd is all fake soundstage crap and potato flakes that don't melt.
-infected dog, more Thing rip-offs
-i wish i had more seafood than this. i'm still hungry in spite of the ass-worms and shit-monsters in this stupid movie. you ever really look at a shrimp? little swimming meatball that's all it is, just meant to be eaten, i swear i could eat a million of those little bastards, i'm going to go buy one of those shrimp rings right now before someone else gets the same idea from watching this masterpiece and-

shhhhhhhhhhhh!

::: david - 6:37 PM [+] :::
...