..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Friday, October 31, 2003

"Does my finger smell funky to you?"
- The Bucketmen (from the song of the same name)


check it out! back by popular demand! well, back in spite of no one demanding it. actually, now that i think about it, it's back in spite of the fact that at least three people complained about it. you know, this might be the worst idea i've had since i repeatedly slapped my dick against the phone receiver and refused to stop until my ex-girlfriend guessed what the noise was. i'll tell you what i told her when i called back to apologize:

it seemed like a good idea at the time. okay, i'll start over...

check it out! it's back:

The Real Time Review!!!

tonight's movie is...

The Italian Job

starring Michael "Never Mind, He Was In The Original" Caine, Mark "Don't Call Me Marky" Walberg, Charlize "Mighty Joe Young" Theron, and Edward "Ham On Rye" Norton. original music by The Funky Bunch sans Marky.

and don't think that i'm only watching movies to rip on them because i actually have high hopes for the car chase in this one. in fact, the first email i ever got from a stranger when i started this website back in May was because of my car chase list and she recommended that i watch this movie. well, now it's finally on video. you know, i haven't seen a Charlize Theron movie in the theater since i got suckered into "2 Days In The Valley" with all that hype about the girl-on-girl brawl between her and Teri Hatcher. i dragged nine co-workers to that piece of gunge and it turned out they didn't throw a single good punch. the girls, not my co-workers. like i said, seemed like a good idea at the time. just like renting "Dreamcatcher." anyway, here we go:

wait! we can't do this right this second because i see that "Major League" is on cable. i'll be back when that is finished.........

"Wild Thing! forget about the curve ball Ricky, give 'em the heater!"

...........okay i'm back. "Major League" just ended. can't help it. same thing would have happened if "Vision Quest" was on. i make no excuses. Happy Halloween by the way. so where were we? oh yeah, "The Italian Job." here we go:

The Real Time Review!!!

i just pushed play:

-Rated PG-13? strike one
-speaking of strikes. how about those three fast balls at the end of Major League? Pow...Pow.........POW!!! 101 mph
-the credit music sounds just like "Snatch"
-F. Gary Gray? where did i hear his-oh yeah! he did "Friday!" fingers crossed
-why is Charlize talking like she's high?
-Donald Sutherland? gee, i wonder if he's gonna die soon since he wasn't in any of the previews
-Marky Mark punches like the gay guy i work with. no offense if your reading this Al. just learn to lean into it
-hey, that's the guy from "Snatch!"
-"we own this place, gentlemen" here we go. that line is such a fucking heist movie cliche. and it's the first line out of Norton's mouth. strike two
-that is the most ridiculous computer program i've seen since Lawnmower Man. where do you get bank robber software like that? noisy 3-D Tron-looking maps of any building you want? 19.95 at Best Buy
-boat chase through Venice. haven't seen that before. sarcasm
-sweet. boat just smoked a pier and exploded into toothpicks
-ha! they had a boat hit another boat full of fruit. it was like a parody of when the dude runs into the fruit cart on the street. that was actually very clever
-they got away with the gold. damn. movies over already? hell, at least it was short. looks like it clocked in at about 15 minutes. didn't overstay it's - never mind, it's still going...
-oh, there's that "stereo that blows women's clothes off" line from the commercial. notice how the white kid says that line, and the black guy says he's gonna use his money to buy a library of first edition books. wow, they really flipped the script on that! taking such a chance with that daring reverse characterization! white kid likes music??? black dude reads books??? welcome to crazy world!!!
-Sutherland is babbling about this "is his last job and he's too old and" blah blah blah. he is soooooo fucking dead. does he have his SAT test scores sealed in his pocket too???
-Pop! Norton just shot Donald Sutherland, what a surprise. Kiefer's gonna kick his ass right after him and Charlie Sheen kick those prostitutes out of their hotel room
-Charlie Sheen actually looks like a real pitcher in "Major League." Tim Robbins should have studied that movie before he subjected the world to his gangly Ichabod Crane arm-flapping display in "Bull Durham."
-the worst thing about music in a PG-13 movie is it's all pop rap instead of good rap. who the fuck is this? sounds like Macy Gray meets Enigma
-One year later? Marky Mark better have a beard or i ain't buy this "one year later" shit
-Charlize has one of those jobs you only see in movies; a legal safe-cracker
-that fiber-optic camera through the tumblers was in the "Getaway" remake
-Charlize's first words to Marky Mark? "didn't i tell you i never wanted to see you again? after you told me my father died in your arms after one last job?" jesus fucking christ. how can dialogue like that get past the first draft stage? i realize they need to sum up as fast as possible but stopping the movie and handing out footnotes to the audience would be slightly less intrusive
-finally a good line: "he holds the record in strike-outs and hit batsmen, this guy threw at his own kid in a father son game..." just kidding, that was from Major League. still a great quote
-she drives a Mini Cooper. they're in the chase scene. i remember that from the preview
-"Handsome Rob once drove all the way from Los Angeles just to set the record for the longest freeway chase." what? what did he just say????????? i want to see THAT movie! wait, i already did. it's called "Vanishing Point."
-complaining about their fake names. Dogs rip-off. big time
-this movie just makes me want to watch "Snatch" instead
-is this the car chase she was talking about? false alarm
-green traffic arrows. that's something that Pittsburgh doesn't seem to have
-okay, wait a second. they're going to hack into the traffic signals so they'll have "green lights all the way and no traffic" during their getaway? where the fun in that? that's like having a car chase...on a closed movie set! great idea fuckheads
-the hacker kid just claimed he invented Napster. dates the script instantly, don't it?
-you know what? i invented those combination CD holder/sun visors for your car. i can't prove it though. i explained it to my roommate, then 6 months later they were on the shelf. wait. did he sell me out??? i talk about my stolen inventions alot (beware)
-time out...heating up an eggroll
-hey, you know what else i invented? once my antenna on my car got all bent up by some punk, so i took it and bent it more to make this lightning bolt design. about a year later they start selling antennas shaped like lightning bolts. can you believe that shit? at least it didn't catch on so i don't feel too bad
-the dude from "Snatch" just got some snatch!
-the dude from "Snatch" has been working out. nice abs. does that make me queer, Al?
-Norton however has lost every bit of muscle he put on for "American History X"
-how can Norton be so good in "Fight Club" and so shite in everything else?
-i just had an idea for a better heist movie. where's my pencil
-this movie makes me want to watch "Friday"
-she doesn't look like a Becky
-now THAT'S a TV
-c'mon, who would believe that Charlize was the cable guy?
-this movie makes me want to watch "Cable Guy"
-test run for what has to be the big car chase
-i will admit that Charlize looks real good tearing around corners in that little red car
-only females should drive Mini Coopers
-i hate when they have huge fat guys in movies and make them the toughest guy. what the fuck is that fatty going to do? makes me want to punch a fat bouncer and run away
-cool junkyard. there's a real "Sweet Hereafter" lookin' junkyard a mile from my house, full of about 20 school bus corpses. there's a story in there somewhere
-Norton looks like a fuckin' fag in his sinister villian moustache
-right now i'm in better shape than Marky Mark
-this big confrontation between Norton and the Funky Bunch is the first real tension in this flick
-i throw a better punch than Marky Mark
-the crew put up a basketball net to shoot hoops before the heist. nice touch. serious
-wait, i got to rewind. he just said the title
-oh, "The Italian Job" was their first heist. Venice 'n boat chase 'n shit? guess i was too pumped after "Major League" to pay attention for the first third.
-this Napster gag in this movie needs to stop
-these cars aren't going very fast. hey, you know what was fast? Charlie Sheen's last pitch in "Major Legue." clocked his ass at 101 mph. true story
-here's that chase. i just cracked my knuckles. here we go...
-what? they're out of the cars. that better not have been the whole damn chase.
-gee, an unexpected safe they need to crack. where are they going to find someone who cracks safes for a living? oh right, i forgot
-i have never been able to crack a safe, no matter how slowly and dramatically i fumble around with the dial.
-i did successfully break into a bubble gum machine. there were Runts inside
-banana Runts are the best. i like banana candy more than bananas
-okay, back in the cars again.
-ah yes. cars chasing cars. i do love it so.
-this movie makes me want to watch "Ronin"
-cars on sidewalks and in subways? this makes me want to play Grand Theft Auto
-ha! the bad guy has a spooky black helicopter! i hope he has a spooky black submarine too
-sweet. Mini Cooper helicopter shave
-the bad guy has joined the chase on the ground. he's driving a big red Ford Bronco
-pleeeeeeeeeeese let that Bronco chew up one of those toy cars (fingers crossed)
-who's doing this lame cover of "Fame?" strike three. i mean nine
-Charlize threw a better punch than Marky Mark sans Funky Bunch
-does this egg roll smell funny to you? i mean "funky!"
-oops, that's not "Fame" that's Pink Floyd's "Money"
-so the song that actually blows off a woman's clothes is Pink Floyd? right.
-this credit epilogue is weak. i'm looking for the Jackie Chan bloopers
-no way. that "Money" cover was Guns 'N Roses. all the members of G 'N R except with Scott Weiland instead of Axl Rose. wow. that should have sounded much better than that.
-i knew a guy who had a poster of Slash sitting poolside with a straw in a bottle of Jack Daniels
-this said no animals were harmed making this film. what animals? they don't just tack that on even if there's ZERO animals do they? seriously. what animals?
-who recommended this movie again? i'm going to give her a call. where's the phone? ziiiiiiiip!
-there were animals killed during the making of every Sam Peckinpah film
-i think there were animals killed during the making of this egg roll

-this movie made me want to watch "Dreamcatcher" again.

::: david - 2:17 AM [+] :::
...