..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Monday, October 06, 2003

"all the feelings that make up the human 'heart' are as useless to the living dead as the organ of the same name"
-Max Brooks - The Zombie Survival Guide


day off, flipping channels through reruns over cornflakes before i start my apartment hunt. i'll lead off today's post with another new feature:

Stating The Obvious!

-Saved By The Bell. the theme song? how the fuck can they be "late for school, but it's alright 'cause they're saved by the bell?" makes no sense. you can't be saved by the bell if you miss the bus. if the bell goes off, you're fucking late. this ain't boxing bitch.

-Spice Girls are horrible. just stumbled on an old SNL episode and they look so desperate to please it's embarrasing. they all have those rictus cheerleader grins and the sporty one tries to kick constantly, the sexy one writhes around like she showed up for a confused coked-up porn debut, the bizarre rapper in her army fatigues trying to be all ghetto. what the hell was that all about? just so pathetic.

-Dawson's Creek. holy fuck. don't get me started on this crap. listen to the fucking speeches these idiots give when they're discussing a plot with the depth of a Three's Company episode. Katie's mouth twitches so much i thought she was going to spit out a chipmunk at any moment. and Dawson. dude. what are you dude? if you hadn't kicked ass in "The Rules of Attraction" and Varisity Blues (just kidding. not really. sort of. moving on) i'd unload on you right now. instead i'll direct my anger at Pacey. is that his name? okay, he just broke up a fight at the resturant he works at. now he's talking to the kid about why he's flunking out of school. instead of asking why he never learned how to fight. pussies all.

-i don't know what this movie is on the Oxygen channel but some girl is sucking on some guys finger. question? whenever some girl does that, trying to look all sexy, has any guy ever NOT looked away in embarrassment until she stopped and finally found a map to locate an actual erogenous zone? ladies, please. don't suck on fingers all wide-eyed ever again. you look like a goat at a petting zoo.

-the trivia in the bottlecaps on Snapple in the best marketing idea since the Chocolate Pudding frequent-flyer giveaway in "Punch Drunk Love." did you know that mosquitos have 17 teeth? did you know that only elephants and humans have knees? did you know that camels have 3 eyelids? did you know that Niagra Falls erodes 58 feet every year and every fifth egg a chicken lays is empty and Charlie Sheen did all his own stunts in "Terminal Velocity?" okay, the last three i made up. maybe i'll make some of my own and sneak em into circulation.

-Pittsburgh's local commercials are frigging high-larious.

-hey, the Oxygen movie is "Gas, Food & Lodging" i didn't hate it when i saw it. i hate the box for the dvd and the video with the two girl swooning in Little House on the Prairie dresses like they're on the cover of a romance novel. why don't women rise up and demand not to be fucking insulted like that? check out the ads they show during the day geared toward braindead housewives. food and/or douche commercials non-stop. why do you stand for that? i don't remember the finger-sucking in this flick though. it's not all bad. all three females have their good points. Fairuza in "Return To Oz" and "Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead," the mom was naked in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," "Animal House" and "Starman" and both the King Ad Rock and i are "down with the Ione, 'cause she's the cheese and i'm the macaroni!" plus a pointless cameo by J. Mascis as a rock collector at the end. i like movies that take place in sunlight and desert towns for some reason.

enough TV. been clicking on some blogs and i have an ammendment to my previous statement about how i hate reading about boyfriends and girlfriends on the internet. correction, i hate reading lovefests between boyfriends and girlfriends on the internet. breakups, i like. keep 'em coming. does that make me a hater? so be it.

p.s. the new book "The Zombie Survival Guide" is excellent. detailed, straight-faced info about how to protect yourself and your house from a living dead assault. by Max Brooks. check it out. probably in the humor section even though it should be in Home Improvement.

the movie "Identity" is in my hand right now but i don't feel like watching it anymore because some little idiot ruined the ending for me at work. she says, "i like how it turns out that..." and then she proceeds to give away what has to be the major twist. guess now i know how it feels.

did you know that your average earthworm consumes and digests thirteen discarded roadside cassette tapes every day?

::: david - 2:26 PM [+] :::
...