..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Friday, September 12, 2003

"We're getting the band back together."
-The Blues Brothers

"They called us the Oreo guitar section..."
-The Funk Brothers (from the movie Standing In The Shadow Of Motown)



it's true. no bullshit. after 5 long years, after studio tantrums that left more than one of us singing through a nosebleed, after self-distructing and being scattered to the far corners of the globe (or, at least, northwest Ohio), the three members of the funkiest band this side of 70s is getting back together. originally formed on a whim in the back room of a small independent bookstore in Toledo Ohio in 1999, "The Bucketmen" took the Midwest by storm. With Matt "Diamond Dog" Desmond on bass and vocals, me ("Papa Wah-Wah") on fretless bass, spoons and harmonies & Tom "Professor Gentle" (aka "Rated PG") Gilmore on double-bass (and recently bongos), we turned the town into a smokin' red-hot funk inferno, not unlike the paint-job Clint Eastwood administered to a town called "Hell" in High Plains Drifter.

To get some idea of the Bucktmen sound, put on Prince's Black Album, the soundtrack to Across 110th Street, The Commodores "Brickhouse" and Rush's concept album, 2112 and play them at the same time. now take a speaker and stick it down the front of your shorts. Then an ice cube down the back. did you do that? you're halfway there.

now it's time for the comeback you never thought would happen. After only two summers of road gigs and open-mic nights, the most damage done in a two week slash-and-burn bar-hopping rampage that earned the headline, "Not Since Sherman's March To The Sea..." in one of the local music zines, we left a cult following in our wake that still keeps the homefires burning to this day. Well my people, your prayers and crossed fingers paid off. Inspired by the crippling blow dealt to the music world with the rapid-fire deaths of Warren Zevon, Johnny Cash and John Ritter, we've decided it's our duty to carry the torch until it burns our white fingers black.

What was initially simply going to be my road trip back to T-town for the premiere of "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" has snowballed into an event rivalling the Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" tour. The Bucketmen will play a week long series of guerrilla shows and tail-gate parties until a final Saturday night unvieling of the lost "Funk Odyssey" songs on the shores of Lake Erie. If anyone wants their perception of white-boy funk forever altered, stop on by.

Directions: just head for Crane Creek beach (off Route 2, email me for a detailed map) until you see the lighthouse in the distance. then tip your head slightly to the left for maximum reception and follow those low bass-slapping sounds to the source of the funk! the funk is your guide. the funk is your beacon.

the funk is like A Balloon On The Mailbox Of The Last Birthday Party At The End Of The World. see you there funky junkies!

p.s. bonus! for the fans! Here's the complete catalog of Bucketmen recordings (and the songwriter who had the muse dancin' on his head that day). pick any six for a create-your-own CD experience. i'll burn you one for 5 bucks each. I know, six songs don't sound like much but keep in mind these tunes average about eight to eighteen minutes. and an eight layin' on it's side is infinity baby! hey, i just wrote another song! oh yeah, if you downloaded some of our old Buckeyboys or Bucketbabies demos already that's fine. just remember our bootlegs will sound like shit cause funk doesn't stick to the tape when you're dancin'!

====================

The Bucketmen!
(aka The Bucketboys formally The Bucketbabies)

-with Matt "Diamond Dog" Desmond on bass & vocals, Dave "Papa Wah-Wah" Keaton on fretless bass, spoons & vocals & Tom "Professor Gentle" (aka "Rated PG") Gilmore on double-bass and bongos. sound like a lot of bass? it is.

The Songs:

"If God Made Something Better Than Funk, He's Keeping It For Himself" - dd

"One Must Suffer For The Funk" - pg

"Funkaholics Anonymous (The First Step Is Admitting That You're Funky)" - pww

"Millenium Funk (Y 2 Crazy!) - pww

"If The Funk Did Not Exist, It Would Be Necessary To Invent It" - dd

"Not Too Funky To Whip Yo Ass" - pww

"We've Traced the Funk, And It's Coming From INSIDE The House!" - pww

"Eco-Funk (Save The Wah-Wah)" - pww

"If Being Funky Is Wrong (I Don't Want To Be Right)" - pww

"(C'mon C'mon) Let's Get This Party Started (Yeah, Yeah)" - dd

"Funk Shui (This Room Ain't Funky Enough)" - pww

"If You Give To the Funk, The Funk Will Give Back Double" - pg

"This Is The House That Funk Built" - pww

"Funk Odyssey: Chapter One" - pg

"Hidden Funk Song (Are You Crazy? Funk Can't Hide!)" - pww

"So Funky Our Mom Hates Us" - dd

"Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Nights" - dd

"Funk Doctor (When Did You First Notice These Symptoms?)" - pww

"We Know The Funk Like The Back Of Your Ass" - pww

"Who Wrote The Book of Funk? (Philosophical Mix)" - pg

"Cop Killers (Can Be Funky Too)" - pww

"What Is Funk? This is Funk...Times 3! (For The Ladies)" - pg

"What's That Guy Doing!?! (He's Crazy!)" - dd

"Funk Paradox (If I Weren't So Funky I'd Die, and If I Died I'd Still Be Funky)" - pww

"In A Crazy Mixed Up World (Funk = Sanity)" - pww

"If That Band's Funk Then I Quit" - pg

"Existential Funk (Because We Can)" - pww

"We Don't Need You're Stupid Rules (Man)" - dd

"Skoool Zone (Slow It Down For The Children)" - pww

"Phat Phunksploitation" - pww

"Whip It Up For The D-D-Double Funk" - pg

"Existential Funk II (Because It's There) - pww

"Love Theme From Deliverance (Wah-Wah/Bass-Slappin' Duel)" - pww/pg

"U.F.O. (Unidentified Funky Object)” - pww

"The Good, The Bad, and the Funky" - pww

"You Not Crazy (We Crazy!)" - pg

“U.F.O. II: Car Stereo Gone Crazy! (Funk Abduction)" - pg

"Triple Funk Is For Fags (Don't Be One)" - pww

"Double Funk Till I Die" - pww

“U.F.O. III: Midnight Probe (Finding The Source of the Funk)” - pww

"Who's Crazy? (We Are, Thank You)" - pg

"My Wah-Wah Peddle Is Broken (The Day I Die)" - pww

"Funky Junkie Halfway House" - pww

"Existential Funk III (Because You Can't) - pww

"Octa-Funk? (Not In My Lifetime)" - pww


-epilogue: for collectors, obsessives and completists only:


bonus tracks, hidden songs and live workouts
(previously unreleased):


"Yeah, We're Funky, But We Gotta Eat"
- pww (hidden song off "Double Funk = Twice The VanDamage!")

"Funk Means Different Things To Different People (But It Shouldn't)
- pg - (live bootleg/2001 Ohio State Fair)

"Funk Vampire (The Funk Can't Come Inside Unless You Invite It)"
- pww - (digitally remastered, sort of, from the lost "Funk Odyssey (Funk Will Find Its Way Home)" recordings)

::: david - 8:02 PM [+] :::
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