..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

"Dying to cheat! Can't cheat! Can't wait to cheat! Can't cheat!"
-Chris Rock

who's the mofo who finished The Thing for PS2? me! that's who! i was tempted to jump on some cheat websites for the answers when it didn't seem like the game would end. i was so close to looking up the codes. Dying to cheat! but i didn't. i valued my relationship with that game too much to cheat. and i finally finished it. at the end a grizzly little computer game Kurt Russel shows up with a sideways cowboy hat on, just like in the movie ("you really want to save those crazy Swedes?") and he flies me off into the snowstorm. *sniff* i heard on the commentary to the movie The Thing that the crew put that cowboy hat on Russell as a gag and he went with it. MacReady was the man. the kind of man that wouldn't appove of this videogame, if his poor-sportmanship displayed in the opening chess match of that movie is any indication. of course, he didn't cheat! he'd already lost. shit. now i need a new game to play.

hey! speaking of cheating!

friend of mine, we'll call him "J," met a girl back in Toledo years ago, we'll call her "K," and i never really liked her. something about the way she transformed herself in what J seemed to want, even though the pictures all around her (soon to be "their") apartment told another story. and she kinda blamed me for every irresponsible thing J did, even though my girlfriend at the time blamed him for every stupid thing i did. the truth lied somewhere in the middle. well, he dumps her once, then gets back with her cause he's bored and used to having her around. then she sees him slipping away again and decides that they need to move to Colorado...oops. i forgot the names have been changed. i mean, they need to move to "another state." so i stopped by while they were packing up and unknown to me J had gone out the back door down to the dumpster and she buzzed me up thinking i was him coming back in from taking out the trash and there she was with spread-eagle on the floor with her own foot up her...wait, sorry. that didn't happen. no this is 100% true shit so let me back up. she buzzed me up and i come walking in saying "where's J?" and there's boxes everywhere and she looks at me all serious and goes, "he left me again. thanks asshole." and i don't know what to say, thinking she's serious, so i mumble "uhhh. really. sorry to hear about that..." and i start backing out when J comes up the steps and says "what up dude?" and she laughs and says "got ya!" it was kind of funny and i have to give her a little credit for thinking on her feet like that but it illustrates how we felt about each others influence on J and it turns out, that gag was the last time i saw the bitch.

so, recently, J starts calls me up and says he found out she's fucking someone else. After all those years (and moving like 5 times away from everyone he knows) she's got to "find herself." translation: reinvent herself to fit with this new guy. fucking vapid worthless twat. THEN i start hearing about how her new boyfriend is talking shit to J, calling him on the phone and saying he's going to kick his ass etc. and she's apparently in the background laughing and thinking this is funny. funny? cheating on my boy and letting this new cocksucker talk shit because all J's friends are ten states away and they think they're immune??? she thinks that's funny? guess what Kelly? oops. i mean "K," you know what i think is funny? i'll tell you what i think is funny:

awhile back when you thought you guys were doing great, J went out and got something he wasn't getting at home. or maybe he was just sick of the same dead fuck. either way, i got an interesting phone call back then from J and i'm going to transcribe it for her and y'all right now. kids, sisters and moms please cover your ears:

first there's this message on my machine from J all giggling saying, "gotta tell someone about this and i can't use the computer cause she'll see it, when will you be home?"

and i call him back and get him back on the phone and he's all:

"duuuuuuuuuude, got some STRANGE! get this, i'm at work (he works in a bar in a hotel) and there's this girl there for a convention. and i talked to her a little bit and waited on her and we talked about her job as a PR person for a mining company. and i tell her about hiking and being "at one with nature" and ask her about what she thinks about mining diamonds. she says that she thinks it's ridiculous because they can be man-made without seriously damaging the environment but no one ever bothers to do it that way. so dude, i'm all excited because DUDE she works for a mining company and she agrees with me about diamond mining! so i buy her drinks for a couple hours and i notice that she's not leaving. she ends up staying until i get off work and we talked about her job and where i'm from and pretty soon we're back up in her hotel room where i start fucking the shit out of this bitch. she tells me that she hasn't been fucked like that in a long time even though she has a serious boyfriend at home in Canada that she's been with for years. and she's fucking HOT. you ever have someone fuck your dick, up on her feet on top of you like the guy riding the bomb in Dr. Strangelove...

i say, "there was this time-" and he cuts me off.

"but this bitch is going at it dude, you just don't understand..."

at this point i ask him what she looks like.

"she's cute, very curvy but cute (take that for what you will) and while she's working on me...dude. dude. dude. i decide to stick a finger up her ass...

(WARNING! INVADER SECTOR TWELVE! this is where the story takes a turn and becomes high art)

J: "she starts saying 'oh my god, what are you doing?' and i'm cramming my finger right up in there like i'm scratching a stack of lottery tickets and she's like, 'oh GOD, i can't believe that feels that good. it shouldn't, no one has ever done that, i'm embarrassed but that feels GREAT' so i say to her: 'Well, if you think that feels good, you're going to LOVE this...' and i flip her over on her back and DOINK! jam my dick up her ass. she's all squirming around and then gets into it saying the same stuff, 'i can't belive that i like this. this is so embarrassing but i really love this, no one ever did this before...yap yap yap...' and i end up fucking her 'till about four in the morning. and then...."

at this point i ask him where K's at cause he's talking so loud i think he's gonna get busted and he says:

"i don't know, she's inside, who cares. i walked outside with the phone..."

me: "she's home??? right now?!? are you fucking crazy?" he goes:

"don't worry about it. so anyway i'm-" he stops suddenly and i hear his girlfriend saying something in the background and now I'm holding my breath thinking i'm in trouble too. then i hear him saying to her: "hey honey! no i'm sorry. i didn't make food yet...c'mon hon, we'll just go get something. i'm sorry (smooch) i'm sorry, baby..."

the voices are muffled for a moment and i stop to let the phone sag and i look outside my window where a woman is pushing a baby carriage and she pauses to smile at a butterfly fluttering past, and when it stops to land on her finger i smile to myself at the beauty and innocence of the world...then suddenly J is back on the line:

J: "...SO I'M CRACKING THIS ASS FOR HOURS DUDE! it's in-fucking-credible. and when i finally leave, i sneak out thinking i can't have her looking me up or i'll get caught so i don't leave a name or anything. on the way home, i stopped at a gas station to wash my face since it looked like a glazed donut so i could sneak back in the house. but dude. dude. dude. now i've been thinking about her for three days, but when i went back to her room the next night and she was checked out. i called her town and i have the number for the company she works for. i won't call her cause i'm with K and i don't need that kind of bullshit but i just can't stop thinking about it. i mean dude, she's cool. You know why? Think about it. She's a PR person for a mining company and she totally agrees with me about the enviromental distress caused by........" fade out as he excitedly repeats things a few times.

you know what? this shit ties together even better than i thought. now that i think about it, Jerry oops, i mean "J," is looking an awful lot like R.J. MacReady these days. seriously. switch the dynamite with a bong and THIS is what the fucker looks like right now.

i say, "what would Kelly think if she knew. no wait, imagine the boyfriend of this girl you were with. the guy who sent his little princess off to her seminar with a tender kiss at the airport and she comes home fucking REAMED by the Rocky Mountain Ass-Marauder."

and we start cracking up re-enacting their reunion when he discovers his little sweetheart is acting "different" somehow. nothing major. just some little things he starts to notice around the house. like when she brings a beer to him IN HER ASS. or losing the remote control then he finds it IN HER ASS. or there's a trail of dog food on the floor and wait a minute! it's leading TO HER ASS. poor Canadian bastard, but he really should have been taking care of business instead of just watching hockey.

then on the other end of the phone i suddenly i hear K come outside and he's acting like we're talking hockey:

"uhhhhh, Red Wings have stacked that team like Colorado did back in ninety-nine and i think they need to stack some defensemen up against...." and that's pretty much the conversation.

anyway, the story was better when he told it 'cause it was a little scary at the time, her creeping around 'n all. however, now it makes me feel better to relive it when i know he's feeling bad about K fucking around on him. because, you know what? he was actually hurting when she left him and sure, okay, he fucked around but i wasn't talking about HIM cheating. and this isn't a double standard. i'm just friends with him. not her. i'm not here to judge him. i'm not talking about him. i'm talking about that cheating fucking chameleon bitch who took my friend to the other end of the country so he'd stop dumping her worthless ass every two months. fuck her and i hope she reads this because you know what "K?" every one of his friends that you met way back when has already heard this story, and more, from me and i'm even thinking of putting it on Christmas cards and we laugh at you whenever we stop to think about it. and by the way, i'll be in Colorado soon and if i hear a peep from your "new man" playing Prince Valiant and making gutless pussy-ass phone calls to look tough in front of you, or he brings 3 more of his little goombas to talk smack out in jerry's yard...well. i will stop short my snowboarding vacation to stop his fucking clock (warning, Discovery Channel male chest-puffing ritual comin'. Crocodile Hunter voice: "look at the colorful display of plumage!) and there won't be any of that weak-ass phone tag he seems to enjoy so much. it will simply be a beating of fucking biblical proportions. If the Russian in Rocky 4 happened to see what i was doing, he'd stop hitting Apollo Creed and yell, "enough! make me sick! remember glasnost!" and if by some miracle i DO stop punching him in the fucking face for a moment to adjust my balls or have a sandwich or something, i might let J stick a finger in his ass when it's over.

hope you enjoyed that a fraction as much as i did. i know i sometimes censor the anal sex in the pornos that i record to send to my friends to hide under the noses of their girlfriends with stickers like "Runaway Train" covering the actual title. it's more incidental that on purpose, i just tend to fast-forward past that when i'm recording. doen't interest me that much. any anal sex i've attempted was the equivalent of trying to stick my dick under a door Either i inadvertantly censor that stuff or (for a prank) i'll edit scenes from hirstute early 80s porn in with the sheared 'n waxed 2000 porn so when my friends are watching one of these movie all the sudden POW! these chicks seem to grow a giant thatch out of nowhere and ruin their erection. however, if this particular story was a movie? i would have to leave all the ass-action in. something about J's little tale (dare i say, fable?) brings a tear to my eye (and a tear to the ass), it's kind of heartwarming sure. but with a message, too. and if it WAS a movie, i'd already have a name for it:

"Diamond Mining & The Rape Of The Environment"

::: david - 12:52 AM [+] :::
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