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Tuesday, September 23, 2003

"Are you a Mexican, or a Mexican't?"
-Johnny Depp in "Once Upon A Time In Mexico"

"I designed a uniform for the Army once. Green leather with a row of brass buttons along the side. And a gold football helmet. They rejected it of course. Goddamn it was beautiful..."
-George C. Scott in "Patton"


Back from Toldeo. saw that movie. good shit. ended up defending it to the people i gathered to see it. i think they were being too critical. i initially was frustrated but now that i think back, the cool stuff in that movie outweighed the problems.

bad stuff:

- ten too many characters and a plot i didn't give two shits about
- lack of Salma
- no references to Once Upon A Time In The West or Once Upon A Time In America even though he clearly liked those titles.
- the fake ass wire-work in the church (at least there was no CGI)
- nobody trying to catch a fly in a gun barrel, as seen in the fantastic opening credits to Once Upon A Time In The West.
- the lack of great songs like the Desperado soundtrack
- no good villain
- no scene with Tarantino taking a bullet in the grill while he's yappin'

cool stuff:

- "Clash of the Titans" lunchbox
- drugs hidden in an eye-socket
- the abuse of Cheech's corpse
- two words: matador
- "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt
- electric guitar/shotgun
- Johnny Depp's third arm
- the line, "then I have no choice, but to kill you all"
- the bad guy running around snarling through invisible man bandages
- Depp "restoring balance" in the kitchen
- the fact that Bandaras' name was "The"
- when "The" shotgunned the guy that was already falling to his death
- the last 15 minutes with Johnny Depp that i can't reveal because a surprise like that is fucking gold, let's just say it's times like that when i have hope that movies can drop their pants and all the rules and do whatever the fuck they want. raise your glass, here's to Spy Kids money.

and now, inspired by the car i was stuck behind for an hour in a construction zone, a new feature on this site:

Patriot's Corner!

today's installment. the American flag. our flag is fucking stupid looking. our flag is one of the least creative things i've ever seen. our flag is awful. our flag looks like a 5-year old designed it. it's a fucking embarrassment. and it looks even worse on your car. worse than your football team's flag flapping on your antenna. the colors of the American flag are horrible. the stripes look like a candy cane. the stars look like those grade school stickers you accumulate when you draw a turkey with the outline of your hand and/or wipe your ass correctly (trivia note: Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national symbol. probably because they were fun to chase around giggling on a warm summer night when you're flirting with your slaves) seriously, our flag looks so weak that i always expect one side to be blank.

so yeah, it's time for a new flag. i can't stand to look at this one for another second. maybe we can just use that first one. remember that one? the "Don't Tread On Me" flag? looked like the Metallica Black Album cover? much much better. dude. it can't be denied. our flag is awful. Russia's with the hammers? very cool. even Japan's is better and that's just the bouncing red dot from Karaoke videos and that tampon commercial. and you know what Mexico's flag has on it? a three-armed Johnny Depp. how can we compete with that?

i am working on a new flag for us right now. all green, and in the middle, a fist squeezing a big-ass 8-ball. or better yet! it could be like a stack of flags, so when the wind blew em they created one of those stick-figure flip cartoons. the images would, of course, be like all the flip cartoons you drew in your library books and hymnals, a violent little morality tale with falling rocks or explosions or masturbating dinosaurs that reminded us how dangerous the world can be.

::: david - 11:33 PM [+] :::
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