..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

"I took my baby home for a juicy good night kiss. But there was an eyballs starin' at me between her parted lips. I went to the institute and asked the doctor there (in the department of eyeballs), "What's this burden that I bear?" He said, "You ain't crazy." he said, "You ain't insane." "It's just you got an eyeball in the center of your brain..."
-The Cramps


just realized that i might be the victim of an alarming new affliction that effects millions of frustrated young americans. i never thought it possible. until it happened to me:

i pull in the Taco Bell drive-thru because it's the only place where you can get about 10 pounds of food for three bucks. i lean out to to first listen to that happy recorded voice:
"would you like to try a our tasty nachos today?"
then the tired disgrunted actual voice:
"go ahead whenever you're ready."
i carefully choose my 3 bucks worth, trying to calculate the change in the bubblegum machine egg next to the gear shift so i can finally use it all up. after some fast equations and a few clicks of the abacus i lean out to order. but when i speak, another word comes out of my mouth. a word that, through a build up of chemicals in my body has now infected my speech:

"pussy." i say.
"scuse me?"
"pussy." (translation: "Meximelt")
"what did you say?
"Pussy." i repeat. "aaaaand some pussy. aaaaand pussy. make that two pussies and one pussy." pause. "and hot sauce." (translation: "two chicken Baja Gorditas and a meximelt.")
"hold on a second."
i start pulling out my wallet, not really having heard the words that came out of my mouth and i look up to see the high school kid with the air-traffic headgear covering his microphone and pointing me out to a manager type. a third voice now on the speaker, like an angry librarian:
"can i help you sir?"
(now i'm confused) "uuuuh, you can start by getting me some pussy."
"sir, you're holding up the line."
"how am i doing that? he asks what i wanted, i tell him." i try hard to understand what their problem could be before i lose my temper. "are you out of pussy?" i ask.
"just order your food or move on."
"seriously. what is the problem? are you...is there...nevermind. just give me pussy and forget about the pussy."
"sir, i'm going to call the cops."
now i start to lose my patience and, while i'm looking around for hidden cameras, this word starts taking the place of verbs in addition to nouns.
"listen. i pussy the pussy and..." i stop and, as an experiment, i carefully try three words. a simple phrase that contains a noun, verb and an adjective:
"pussy pussy pussy." (translation: "silence is golden.")

now i realize something is horribly wrong and try to say something else. anything else. it's no use. and now it seems that "pusSY" with the accent on the second syllable means exasperation or confusion. and "PUSsy" with the accent on the first syllable has become sarcasm or anger. i carefully look to the glowing menu and of course now i'm seeing row after row of lovely verticle smiles of all shapes and colors and i fumble around with my wallet desperately looking to see how far i can stretch my fast food dollar. i peel out and head for a bank machine.

moral of the story:
one man's meat is another man's poison.
OR
pussy.

::: david - 12:29 PM [+] :::
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