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Saturday, August 02, 2003

holy fuck do i have a treat for anyone who's still up! a rare look inside my head! tonight, when it is most vulnerable, you lucky lucky fucks! i am a motherfucking hard-drinking list-making machine! jump on in my brain and slosh around! and if you feel like you're going under...

"just put on your swim-fins, 'cause when it comes to quarries i'm known to swim!"
-Beastie Boys


100 Things About Me:
The 3AM Angry Drunk Version!


1. driving drunk through mountains is fucking funny.

2. i want to hang a smashed tricycle from my bumper to freak people out.

3. fuck this shit i'm tired.

4. don't listen to "Comfortably Numb" after midnight.

5. one morning i jerked off at the video store because i thought it was funny. right in the Family Fun section.

6. taking a shit at work is funny because you’re getting paid to do it. same with number 5.

7. i want to kill all bullshitters and liars.

8. i eat pussy like it's my job.

9. not lately though.

10. clocks and time are fucking stupid.

11. daylight savings time is real fucking stupid. why the fuck do we do that again? shut up. that’s what i fucking thought. sometimes it’s light out until fucking 10? sometimes the sun doesn’t come up until when? why do we change our clocks because someone tells us too? the sun didn’t change. who the fuck do they think they are?

12. i’m tired of girls who fake lesbian antics because they think guys think it’s hot. i want to smack them across the head with my dick.

13. i like to watch 2 girls mess around. but only if they mean it.

13. what if ten dudes said “hey! girls who fill their mouths with salt shakers are sooo hot!” some dunce would act sexy and cram some in her mouth like she’d just thought of it.

14. there are 4 girls on the Girls Gone Wild commercials that i hate.

15. there’s this one girl on Girls Gone Wild who needs a responsible guy like me to wrap my jacket around her and take her home so i can fuck her.

16. what the fuck is this “blog” shit? two syllables was too much? no time to say “web log?” should i say “kyu” instead of “fuck you?”

17. my favorite color is green.

18. i said that last time.

19. what’s this favorite color bullshit? what if green to me isn’t green to you? what if you’re seeing red but always called it green? who would know? don’t you realize that i see Ohio State’s colors as Pink and Purple and they look liike a bunch of fucking fags?

20. Eminem’s explanation about why “fag” isn’t anti-homosexual was hilarious.

21. all of his pre-”trailer park girls go round the outside” songs are the worst rapping i’ve ever heard. he’s gotten better though.

22. i hate people who hate fags.

23. the only rapper with worse flow is Jay-Z. he sounds like a punch drunk mongoloid with a mouthful of shit.

24. 75% of rappers just talk through the songs and have no idea what the fuck they are doing.

25. Cypress Hill doesn’t do that.

25. Radiohead are lazy fucks who need to make another album like The Bends instead of twiddling knobs in the studio all day.

26. i just made the new Radiohead album by playing with the buttons on this phone.

27. Tom Yorke’s eye is fucked up because i punched him after i dropped 15 bucks on Amnesiac.

28. You’d think i’d learned my lesson after Kid A.

29. Kid A stands for “just Kidding Asshole”

30. i need to jerk-off more than any man in the history of civilization.

31. i’m a sucker for concept albums

32. in spite of what musicians think, a concept album is NOT an album that simply ends with a variation of the opening song.

33. the only rap i’ve heard worse than any one of Jay-Z's was when dumbass Britney Spears threw down her rehearsed/spontaneous verse on MTVs “Punk’d”

34. she reminds me of every dumb girl i’ve ever met.

35. people who talk shit on the internet will be punched in the fucking face.

36. anonymous people are pussies.

37. i left the lights on in my car. hold on.

38. i’m only in the thirties on this list. what the fuck.

39. i masterbate so much i should be in a lab hooked to a generator to power the world.

39. tragically i am both a chronic masturbator and a chronic misspeller of the word "masturbate" (see above).

40. got

41. to

42. stretch

43. this

44. shit

45. out.

46. answering machines should still use tape so you can physically remove and save your messages in your hand.

47. people who don’t correspond are lazy fucks.

48. if this was the 1800’s they’d have to write letters and wait months but now you got the internet and they still don’t use it? amazing.

49. they know who they are.

50. tonight i’m a bad drunk. i could have hooked up with a couple girls tonight but they were too fucking stupid.

51. i could say some real hurtful shit to some real people but i won’t

52. i take the fucking high road instead.

53. i’m like Socrates n’ shit taking the high road like that.

54. i expect to get angry email after this nonsense.

55. i will have deserved it.

56. i may not be posting this after all.

57. if i don’t, that means i wasted 20 minutes i’ll never get back.

58. i wouldn’t know how much time i wasted if i wasn’t such a slave to this fucking clock that someone felt the need to invent.

59. who the fuck invented the clock? why didn’t they invent a steering wheel that can suck your dick? or something else we could use?

60. i’m not really this angry. i started putting on a show somewhere around number 20.

61. co-workers are always real defensive when i talk to them. they think i’m talking down to them or something. they need to grow some fucking self-esteem.

62. people who mistake humor for anger need to lighten the fuck up.

63. THE NEXT hello, hit the caps button there sorry.

64. the next publisher who rejects one of my stories gets smacked in the face with my dick.

65. unless they’re in a wheelchair.

66. wait. forget number 65. especially if they’re in a wheelchair. who am i to discriminate? and they’d be at the perfect level.

67. i’m tired of typing.

68. i just went back and fixed a shitload of typos.

69. i think i type better drunk.

70. my new keyboard is like the cadillac of keyboards. it should have fuzzy dice and curb feelers.

71. i want to get a black mouse to match it.

72. mouse is a stupid name for this thing.

73. i spend too much time dealing with the technology of the machine i’m using just to communicate. when was the last time you disassembled and upgraded and repaired your phone? never? see what i mean? then why the fuck do we fuck around with this machine when all it’s supposed to do is communicate? this is better? relearning shit over and over to do the same fucking tasks? this machine should be a tool and nothing more.

74. i hate fucking computers, i don’t care how many jobs they create.

75. i want a computer job. i type faster than you.

76. i type like a fucking tornado.

77. i type faster than Edward Scissorhands giving a haircut.

78. in that movie, why the fuck did that scientist put scissors on his hands until the real hands were done? why not give him a couple .38s or chainsaws? make about as much sense.

79. a lizard is a pet with few rewards.

80. i think Robert Crumb is both overrrated and underrated depending on who i’m talking to.

81. i lost my virginity while Raiders of the Lost Ark was on TV.

82. i took a Western Horsemanship class in college.

83. the ranch used this class as a scam for free labor.

84. the girls in the class tried to ignore the giant pulsing horse cocks.

85. the movie “Snatch” isn’t good enough to carry that name.

85. i once tricked a co-worker into drinking aquarium water.

86. one time this little kid blew shit all over the customer bathroom at the bookstore i worked at, so i told this other co-worker that “some kid had dropped a Power Ranger in the bowl” and she should go look. she believed me and almost puked.

86. the toilet upstairs has too much power and turns the bowl into a splashing boiling shit stew.

87. only in the 80s? fucking kee-rist. let’s fill this shit up fast.

88. uh, the movie Daredevil sucked.

89. it could have been worse.

90. at least they used a song by “House of Pain”

91. Affleck is behind Project Greenlight.

92. Project Greenlight owes me an explanation.

93. i’m starting Project Redlight where i take a baseball bat to Affleck’s car when he stops at an intersection.

94. he will think i'm selling oranges.

95. my script was the best thing in his bullshit contest.

96. i know this even though i only read 8 other scripts.

96. i wouldn’t wipe my ass with those 8 other scripts.

97. if i tried to flush them upstairs in the hurricane toilet they would fly out and smack me in the face.

98. one of those scripts had a helicopter flying around the old west.

99. i've never understood how a helicopter works.

100. i know what existentialism is but i can’t define it.

101. i wish i knew what happened to my first bike.

102. girls who write out their thoughts are hot as fuck.

103. every one of my friends has disappointed me.

104. once in bed with this girl i got scratched in the balls by her cat.

105. the cat drew blood and ruined the mood.

106. she had tried to set the mood with a Massive Attack cd.

107. should have been called "Cat Attack"

108. getting drunk is a waste of time unless you write about it.

109. this doesn’t count

110. fuck. i was trying to stop on #103.

111. #111? if the clock says 11:11, do you make a wish?

112. that's the best reason for inventing clocks i can think of.

::: david - 3:19 AM [+] :::
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