..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Friday, August 22, 2003

"For anger slays the foolish man and jealousy kills the simple."
-Job 5:2


Just got an email from Project Greenlight urging me to see their new partial-birth abortion titled “The Battle of Shaker Heights.” Wait a minute. Where’s the apology from the Good Will Hunting boys, eh? Where’s the “sorry dude, I lack vision and he lacks balls, thought you should know…” message I’ve been waiting on? Inspired by this announcement, I gritted my teeth and started diggin through old emails again and found my feedback from last year’s heartbreaking fiasco! Project friggin Greenlight. Grrrrr. Now, let me first preface this by saying…I lost.

Did anyone see the movie that won last year? “Stolen Summer?” that wasn’t me. It should have been called “Stolen $8.50” cause that movie SUCKED. What a simpering, obvious, phony, humorless, talentless, childish, floating chunk of fecal that movie was. Clearly it was chosen because it’s percieved as harmless and easy money and a shortcut to thinkin’ and that’s exactly why Ben Asslick, Damon and their toadies are such visionless dumbshits. It makes sense if you look at everything they’ve been in since they hit. Turns out those edgy indie films weren’t where their hearts were. Inside they were always these dull ass Hollywood chumps. I thought the whole point of this contest was that it was taking a chance? Looking for something new? So they go and greenlight something that MOST RESEMBLED EVERY PIECE OF CLICHÉ RIDDEN GUNGE OUT THERE AND THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS CONTEST IS FUCKED AT BIRTH?!?!?!

However, I’m not bitter (yeah right). you know why it's called Project Greenlight? cause i'm fucking jealous. but i don't care cause my script was the shit and even though these six clowns that reviewed it a.) missed the point b.) didn’t get the joke c.) were sigh easily offended and d.) tragically couldn’t embrace the new shit, I love em anyway (except the fuck who called me a racist) simply because I think they actually read it. I’ll comment as I go through it again.

=============================================
To: David J. Keaton
------

Your Screenplay Title: Brickhouse (I chose this title not just for the song, but because of my genius prison/3Little Pigs allegory throughout)

SCREENPLAY CONTEST - View Coverage There have been 6 reviews and evaluations done on this screenplay.

Review #1 reviewed on October 06, 2002
Review #2 reviewed on October 08, 2002
Review #3 reviewed on October 09, 2002
Review #4 reviewed on October 14, 2002
Review #5 reviewed on October 16, 2002
Review #6 reviewed on October 21, 2002


==============================================
Review #1


1. Genre: Choose up to three that apply:
Drama
Action
Horror
Sci-Fi (huh? ok, I don’t know where the hell they got that. The dialogue is bizarre but there’s nothing supernatural going on. If some asshole in a movie says the words “bigfoot” that doesn’t mean it’s sci-fi. Words don’t dictate the genre scrot)


2. Enter the major settings and the different physical places where the story primarily takes place, i.e. street corner, England, subway, apartment:
prison yard
prison cells
prison cafeteria
prison recreaton room
prison halls
bus interior
house (of Pain!)
Bishop's garage during flashbacks
prison visiting quarters
dessert (I hope he meant “desert” because, as much as I wanted to, I resisted the urge to have most of this movie take place in some guy’s fruit salad)

3. Number of Locations. From a production standpoint, how many unique locations would a film crew have to go to shoot this film?
1-7

4. Circa (Select the time period in which the story is set. Select all that reply:
Near Future (? Again, this sounds like it’s sci-fri nonsense when you say “near future” and that irritates me)

5. Number of Roles (Estimate the number of roles including lead, supporting and "bit" characters):
16-24 (not including the slots I’ll create for everyone I’ve ever known! Be in my posse yo!)

6.Number of lead and supporting characters (consider only those characters who have significant roles, i.e. multiple scenes, ample dialogue, impact on the story):
5

7. Fill in the information below for each character.
Character 1:
Name: Bill Bishop (a lot of alliteration in my names! See I went to school!)
Gender: Male
Age : Middle Age (like Excalibur?)


18. Brief Synopsis (please provide a summary of the screenplay you reviewed, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
Bill Bishop is sent to prison for murder, where he encounters segregation from the strange prisoners, an over-the-top prison guard (possibly John Wayne's bastard son?), and other curiousities like talking through the toilets and mysterious toy airplanes flying overhead. (I actually like how this person summed my shit up)

19. Brief Comments: (optional: please provide a few general comments on the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
The story has potential for more unique ideas and unexplainable happenings, but we are mostly told and not shown the elements that might create stronger intrigue. (I have to tell, not show Mcdouche, unless you want me to come over and act it out with puppets)

20. Similar Films: (optional)
----none---- (I liked this answer a lot)

33. Rate the length of the screenplay:
Too long (I’ll have to concede this point. most screenplays are supposed to be 110 pages with a minute of screentime per page. Mine was 180. Oops.)

34. Check all that apply (this is a list of the ones they checked):
Funny (funny how? Am I clown to you?)
Confusing (would you have fogiven the 12 endings i crammed in if it turned out it "was all a dream!")
Offensive (like this thing i'm doing with my thumb?)
Ordinary (take that shit back. no need to get insulting)
Suspenseful (insert Friday the 13th noises)
Slow (caution Slow Children At Play)
Pretentious (but it's about....society!)
Gross (like what i'm doing with your thumb?)
Too Much Violence (is that possible? Never heard those 3 words used like that, with that combination)
Cool (like Fonzie!)
Stereotypical
Interesting

35. Roughly, in what kind of budget range would you put this movie?
Low Budget (manageable locations and could be shot with a standard film crew. $1 million or less)

36. Which of these elements (if any) would play a central role in the story? Check all that apply:
Explosions (?)
Make up F/X
Visual F/X
Stunts (uh okay. if smashing an Ant Farm and punching someone in the face is considered a stunt. We’ll need Matrix wire-training for that)
Crowds (lined up to see my movie beee-atch!)

37. Would you pay to see this movie?
I'd consider renting this movie. (you’d consider it eh? My fucking hero. Well, you can’t rent it now because Asslick got scared and pulled the plug. Insert power-outage turbine noise here)

38. What rating would this movie receive?
R (R stands for “wringing my hands in frustration”)

39. Was this movie too much like another movie? If yes, enter the movie's name
----none---- (and never will be)

40. Any additional comments?
The dialogue is difficult to distinguish from character to character and reveals too much too soon. (listen slapjack. You say I reveal too much too soon and back there you said the script was confusing. Pick one and go with it.)

============================================
Review #2


(I chopped the first questions and answers off the rest of the reviews because the answers are pretty much the same. I’ll start the rest on #18)

18. Brief Synopsis (please provide a summary of the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
A group of men in prison notice that the prison population is shrinking even as more inmates are being admitted. They believe that someone, or thing, is killing them off. Each man has his own theory, from monsters (monsters? Yeah Yetis eat cons like popcorn!) to the warden. Ends up possibly being a man who sneaks IN to the prison is killing the prisoners. It isn’t fully explained.

19. Brief Comments: (optional: please provide a few general comments on the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
VERY original story. Good flow. Kept me interested. Just the right length. Colorful writing, good descriptions. I feel like I just watched the movie. Well Done! (this person is clearly an intelligent, thoughful individual. Here’s to ya!)
33. Rate the length of the screenplay:
Just Right (sweet, this person ain’t afraid of a little reading either! Or a 4 hour movie)

34. Check all that apply:
Funny (funny how? Do I amuse you…nooge.)
Unpredictable (hell yeah. No telling what I’ll do next$ see that? I just ended a sentence with a dollar sign. I’m crazy I tell you!)
Exciting (watch out for that banana peel!)
Suspenseful (boo!)
Original (like the Pancake House)
Unique (joke: how do you catch a unique rabbit? Answer: Unique up on him! Get it!)
Entertaining (how do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way! thanks, i'll be here all week.)
Interesting (you want to hear something else that's interesting? did you know that i have hairs growing down to the end of my dick?)

35. Roughly, in what kind of budget range would you put this movie?
Somewhere in the middle. 3-10 million.

36. Which of these elements (if any) would play a central role in the story? Check all that apply:
Crowds (wanting me to autograph their ass)

37. Would you pay to see this movie?
I'd pay to see this movie (you won’t have to! cause of your superior evaluation skills, you got VIP seats for every show)

8. What rating would this movie receive?
R (R stands for GRRRRRRR-reat!)

==========================
Review #3


18. Brief Synopsis (please provide a summary of the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
An ordinary man, Bishop, is sent to jail for the murder of his wife. In prison, he encounters various mysteries including the disappearances of many prisoners (particularly of the African American race.) Bishop thinks that Duke, a tough guard, is killing the black prisoners and decides to do "something" about it. The children of the prisoners smuggle in gun parts by their toys. The prisoners assemble the guns but they do not have a bullet. At the end, a showdown occurs between Duke and another warden...then Duke and 6 or so prisoners which one prisoner has the real gun and the others have toy guns, then Bishop, the prisoner with the real gun that has a bullet given by the warden that first faced off with Duke, and then the twist of Bishop and another prisoner who was introduced in the beginning of the screenplay. Bishop is killed in the end. (whoa there. why don’t you spoil it for everyone else. and don't steal my shit cause i dropped 30 bucks copyrighting it)

19. Brief Comments: (optional: please provide a few general comments on the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
I found this script to be confusing and extremely racist. (??? Okay, this fuck has no idea what is racist. Clearly a prison (a place that is 80% black) is going to have masssive racial conflict when a main character is white. Like all those people I have NO TOLERANCE FOR, he confuses the work with the author)

33. Rate the length of the screenplay:
Too Long. (fuck you. You’re too long. Whatever that means)

34. Check all that apply:
Confusing
Offensive (fuck you with that offensive shit. I’d show you offensive if I had your email address and about 3 minutes to spare. Typical no-vision piece of shite)
Boring
Gross (like what i'm doing with that other dude's thumb?)
Not My Taste (his taste being a taste in elementary school ass)
Unrealistic
Stereotypical (impossible. that's all i got to say here. two words: im. possible)

35. Roughly, in what kind of budget range would you put this movie?
Low Budget (manageable locations and could be shot with a standard film crew. $1 million or less)

36. Which of these elements (if any) would play a central role in the story? Check all that apply:
Explosions (huh? Maybe an explosion…of ideas!)

37. Would you pay to see this movie?
No thanks. (you’re welcome)

38. What rating would this movie receive?
R (R stands for “reaching down to eagerly fellate Mirimax")

=============================
Review #4


18. Brief Synopsis (please provide a summary of the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
Bishop is sent to Prison in Nevada. While there he notices that many of the black prisoners begin to disapear. He suspects that The Duke is killing them. The inmates agree and begin looking for a way to get rid of the Duke before they are next. (that's the tip of the iceburg. that's like saying, "in Scarface, Tony sold some drugs")

19. Brief Comments: (optional: please provide a few general comments on the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
Nice set up, but it lost me at the end. Not really believable. (you want realism, watch Life Unscripted)

20. Similar Films: (optional)
----none---- (bickity bam!)

33. Rate the length of the screenplay:
Just Right 34. Check all that apply:
Offensive (I don’t mind being called offensive by this person because they didn’t call me a fucking racist)
Unrealistic

35. Roughly, in what kind of budget range would you put this movie?
High Budget (Lots of effects, big scenes that require a large crew and lots of prep. Over $30 million)
(slow down there Spielberg. you don’t need that much prep, all you need is a prison and inmates that promise not to rape the crew)

36. Which of these elements (if any) would play a central role in the story? Check all that apply:
Explosions (what are they talking about?? I’m going to have to read my script again. I honestly can’t remember “explosions”)
Numerous Sets
Stunts (maybe involving toys.)
Crowds (that will do whatever i say, "get em up against the wall!")

37. Would you pay to see this movie?
No thank you. (so polite!)

38. What rating would this movie receive?
R (R stands for “Read this Really fast and nothing sank in”)

=======================================
Review #5


18. Brief Synopsis (please provide a summary of the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
In a prison in the desert that cons are constantly repopulating, the prison gradually gets emptier and emptier, even though no one is ever let out. A string of ethnically diverse prisoners band together to figure out and stop the prison's deadly secret. (this dude sounds like a poster tagline or something…”in a time without heroes, one man….”)

19. Brief Comments: (optional: please provide a few general comments on the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
It seemed that the dialogue was forced and the monlogues were way too long. (they got a point, I never know when to stop typing.) Never quite cared about Bishop enough either. It didn't seem like a real prison (he’s NOT genuis). Guards don't generally speak to prisoners at length. The story needed more action as well. The whole story said prisoners were disappearing but we never saw it, they were just gone. Maybe a prisoner being dragged away in the dark screaming, or anything to add some action (this ain’t Halloween). I couldn't believe the toilet phones either, I don't think you can talk through water (don’t knock it till you try it!)

20. Similar Films: (optional)
Lock up
The Glass House (I watched this crap movie because this person listed it here and I still don’t know what the frig they were talking about. Maybe ALL movies remind them of “Glass House”)

33. Rate the length of the screenplay:
Just Right (yeah! Another reader. Seems like I forgive everything they say is they put “just right” on this line. It’s like Goldielocks tasting the porridge!)

34. Check all that apply:
Confusing
Offensive (sigh.)
Unrealistic

35. Roughly, in what kind of budget range would you put this movie?
Low Budget (manageable locations and could be shot with a standard film crew. $1 million or less)

36. Which of these elements (if any) would play a central role in the story? Check all that apply:
Explosions (okay, they all keep saying “explosions” and i just went back and checked and all I do is blow up a freakin' toy airplane. buy one firecracker. there, i bought one for you. F/X budget is in the black. let's move on. I swear i think these punks were skimming)

37. Would you pay to see this movie?
No. (would you pay to keep my keys off the side your car?)

38. What rating would this movie receive?
NC-17

39. Was this movie too much like another movie? If yes, enter the movie's name
----none---- (damn straight)

40. Any additional comments?
If the script had a supernatural element, prisoners were being killed by a supernatural force, or that the government was weeding out prisoners that would not be missed, you may have something. (this ain’t X-Files bitch) Also I can't beleive that Jones would speak to Jenny that way in the last scene, with the vulgarness, Even the most hardened con would have some etiquette. If he is semi-noble, make him that. (this ain’t Shawshank bitch) Good luck! (don’t wish me luck. this ain’t Vegas bitch.)

============================
Review #6


18. Brief Synopsis (please provide a summary of the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
About a mysterious jail, the inmates notice other inmates always being dropped off. But none are ever leaving. (okay, you read the first 3 pages, but what happens after that. This is just one of about 250 ideas I crammed in this sucker)

19. Brief Comments: (optional: please provide a few general comments on the screenplay, maximum 1000 characters, roughly 200 words):
----none---- (hello? that's a little too brief. Get you out of bed? i'm sorry. Speak bitch!)

20. Similar Films: (optional)
----none---- (that’s right! Boo-Ya!)

33. Rate the length of the screenplay:
Too Long (like my dick)

34. Check all that apply:
Boring
Unrealistic (like my dick)

35. Roughly, in what kind of budget range would you put this movie?
Low Budget (manageable locations and could be shot with a standard film crew. $1 million or less)

37. Would you pay to see this movie?
Yes.

38. What rating would this movie receive?
G (HA! Check out the smart ass. He picked “G” to be funny. A sense of humor from this clown. I tip my hat)

39. Was this movie too much like another movie? If yes, enter the movie's name
----none----

40. Any additional comments?
I thought the movie could have been a little better, had a good plot going.
Also the dialague killed it. (i'm working on that. i like speeches though)

========================================

(and now here’s the ones that did make the next round. Check out these fucking titles. If you read them all fast without stopping something strange starts to happen. the way all the "verbing the noun" titles blend into a simmering stagnant pile of nonsense sort of sums up how my head spins when i read the movie listings in the paper and realize that shit gets made and my shit don't)

TOP 250 Screenplays:
------------------------------

...Still Breathing 9 Ways To Someday A Bright Tomorrow A Mile High A Safe Place A Woman's Place Absolution Act of Contrition Aftermath Alibi-Guy.com Amberfield AMBITION An Ounce Of Hope Angry Hearts Anyone But You Assumed Identity Autobiography of Nice Guy X Awaiting Hope Bad Boyfriends Bad Habits Beneath the Badge Billy Kitsch Blood Brothers Blue Girl Boathouse Drums Botticelli Girl Bountiful Joy Brian's Angel BridgeLip Suckers Broken But, Wait... There's More! CANTON Cape of Dreams Cedar Creek CHANCE Charlie's Deal Cheeks CHEMISTRY China Girl Christmas Tree Quest CHRISTMAS, FL COLORBLIND CONVICTION COOL AS HELL Crowe's Nest CURTIS LIONHEART DARIAN'S POINT DARK ECHOES Day of the Dead Deborah Samson Descent Die Laughing Digging Home DISTORTION Dogman Don't Cry Donuts At Dawn DOTSBURG Elegy Eleven Months of Autumn Elucia Smallberry Empathy End Games Exile Exit 101 Eyewitness Fake Your Own Death, Inc. Family Function (a.k.a. Zoe Goldfarb's Turkey Dinner) Family Portrait Family Tree Father Figure Fig Nefarious FILLERS Final Weekend Finals Week First Fame Fish Out of Water For the Love of Cecilia FOREVER YOURS Friend of the Devil Getting It Right Good Food Good Intentions Gravity Lets Go Heartsick HENRY'S HOUSE Hollywood HostageBRICKHOUSE! (should have been in here. Sniff. maybe if i would have called it Bricking the House?)Home Base HOMER Hunkies HURLING MEDAL I Woke Up (In Love This Morning) IN THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY In the stars Individual Results May Vary Inside the Gingerbread House Inventing My Life ironbound Isle of Shadows IVY Jacked Jefferson Palmer Volunteers JUST A GIRL Just a Phone Call Away Just Another New Year's Eve Karl Marx was Framed Kill Devil Hills Killer Instinct Kind of a Baldwin Kit & Kaboodle La Migra Landon's Lapdogs of Luxury Last Words LET'S KILL LARRY Letters From Nicky Life Weight Living Life's Itinerary Logic of Being Loomis Lost in Tinseltown! Lottery Society Love by the Book MAESTRO, MAESTRO Makin' Love MANTECA MATFIELD GREEN Mean Dean Mectl Memory of Family Miles From St. Louis Mirage at the Desert Chateau Miss Chevious Modern Logic Dictates... Mountains of the Moon Mr. Right Before My Brother Jim Near Birth Experience Nectar nevermore Nightingale Nothing but Blues and Elvis Now and Again NUNLEY Odd Jobs Of Fate And Fortune Of Slings and Arrows OMAHA One Night Destiny Only in L.A. Open To Be Order of the Dragon Other Peoples Shoes Ozark Mile Padre's Cub PASSING THROUGH Penance by Proxy Perhaps ... PIANO MAN Pick Up Playland Poetry of Survival Pontchartrain Beach Poor Dad President's Day Prince Michael PRISONER Private Wars Purple Hearts RAINBOW HAVEN Raining Again Ramblings of a Born-Again Raver Rear View Mirror Red Eyed Rats Renaissance RETRIBUTION Righteous Act ROCCO COSTELLO Ronald's Mom is Clairvoyant Round Trip Running Man Rusty Dreams SAFE SEX IN THE GARDEN Sand Hill Saturday Night Special Scrum - aka: Fug Tup No Teefus Second Time Around SECTION X Serial Murder and The Single Guy Shadow Healer Shandy's Last Ride SHARING THE DRIVE Sidewalk Story Sigils Silent Partners Sins of the Father Skeletons SON DANCE Spanish Accent Splendor in the Waste Stand Off Still Life Still Life Stone Free Surrendering Siobhan TAKE-DOWN Temporary Insanity TEN DAYS LAST FALL The Achievers The Ascot Fall The Badianus Manuscript The Bank The Battle of Shaker Heights The Benny Factor The Blind Midget Clown Puzzles The Caseworker The Child Carrier The Cricket Cage The Diagnosis The Dogs of Love The Gloria Williams Life THE GOD SIGNATURE The Golden Age of Linda Ronstadt The Great Dancer The Groomsmen The Hungarian The King of New Orleans THE LINE-UP GUY The Making of Martyrs The Marriage Contract THE MICHAELS The Motherless Nanny THE MYSTERY OF SONNY HANOVER The Mystic The Perfect Martini The Precipice The Rebound Guy The Rhythm Methodist The Rivalry The Road to Damascus The Seasons of Saul The Sixth Chamber The State The Sumptuous Donut of the Mind The Task Manual THE THEORY OF ABSENCE The Track The Trinity of Argentina The Twist The Voice of the City The Wait: Smoking or Non-Smoking THE WAY THINGS TURN These Dreams Three of a Kind Three-Sided Coins Timing and Circumstance To Forgive Is Divine Today's Special Value Tubby's Block Turnabout Unmasking Moretto Up The Chimney Vampyreville Viagra Highway Vices Wade In the Water Waking Up Dead Wanna Bet? Wearing Sweatpants Wedlock Wolves At Bay Xela Yard Sale Yellow Man Your Happy Ass

(of course, they don't deserve my spite. they just wrote something like i did. hate the game, not the playas, right? like I said, I ain’t bitter. i ain't bitter? who's ever said those 3 words without a certain tone in their voice? about the same number of people who say "are you jealous" and ain't hoping that you are. that's right. zero.)

::: david - 12:13 AM [+] :::
...