..:S...P...I...D...E...R...B...I...T...E...S:..

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

"I was kind of insulted when the signal just shrugged me off like that so..."
"Just tell me where the signal is coming from."
"Pittsburgh"
"Pittsburgh?"
"Pittsburgh. And that's in the U.S..."
-Videodrome

offline for awhile as i drove around this crazy mountain town. i am in Pittsburgh and this place is crazy. not a straight line to be found anywhere. the city is on these cliffs and winding mountain roads and i even when i can actually see the comforting glow of the place i'm trying to get to, the street that seemed to be heading straight towards it will suddenly take me two miles around another hill. there's this place called Pizza Bella in Moon Township that's got some sweet ass subs. dude, 18 inches long. i thought i could handle that size but apparently i wasn't cut out for gay porn because i was crying for mercy after about 2 thirds. i got me a fried-eggplant on my first visit and i've been eating on it for two days. i also started to explain to anyone who would listen about how "eggplant" is a racial slur in italian (because it's purple?) and all that bit of trivia did was make people wonder about why i "really" ordered that sub. i mean, does someone really order a certain sandwhich just because they know they can give a speech about the long history of racial tension deep-fried inside? food for thought yo.

speaking of racial tension, i finally watched Gangs of New York. i thought it looked like more of a Spielburg movie instead of a Scorcese movie. except will about 5 more gallons of blood. it seemed all colorful and goofy. especially those fireman. i guess they were being historically accurate with the costumes but maybe he should have thought about making the movie black and white. except for the blood. yeah. i'm thinking that would have solved most of my problems with the movie. if they would have made it black, white and red. then they could have claimed those colors were symbolizing the racial conflict during those civil-war draft riots n shit. Bill the Butcher was a lot of fun though. he was clearly the hero right? we were rooting for him right? the movie didn't have an autopsy (one of my requirements for an instant classic) HOWEVER it did have a moment where Bill the Butcher taught Leo how to stab a man properly by hacking the hell out of a pig carcass. that almost qualifies but it really sounds better than it looked.

you know what? if i had my way, i'd have made the majority of that movie about knife practice on pig carcasses. actually, you know what they could have done? they could have had every major plot point expained to the audience on the dead pig. like that scene when they showed the "five points" of the city and explain the importance of that intersection with the image of a hand? instead they could have drawn lines on the pig and maybe had Bill the Butcher walking a little two-fingered version of himself from one hoof to the other. he'd say, "okay, laddie, dumdeedumdeedum, there's me walkin', and i turn left at the kidneys and now i'm heading towards Mullberry street, those teats represent the 8 largest gangs..."

or, when they do that lame Leo voice-over (voice-over = trouble) explaining the historical backstory and plot-points that were obviously cut (to trim the famed 4 hour version down to 2 and change)? instead they could have a puppet show, with Leo's hand up in the pig talking to a room full of dirty-faced children. he'd have to make his voice higher-pitched (if that's possible) because anyone with their hand working a dead pig's head knows that it should have a happy cartoon voice to keep from scaring the young-uns into a frenzy. Lord of the Flies taught us that.

or! when Bill was doing his knife trick with Diaz to symbolize his jealousy, he could have propped up that pig on stage instead. they we wouldn't have been so sure he wasn't going to pull a Burroughs and bury a knife between her eyes (c'mon, did anyone think for a second she was in any danger? hoping doesn't count) he 'd throw a couple knives without looking, chunk!chunk! then go, "now, my darling, step away to leave your hat on the wall. oops. guess you weren't wearing a hat."

OR! instead of showing that computer image of New York growing into the modern day skyline, some little greasy street-urchin could take a crayon and draw buildings on a stack of pigs. it could be like the voice-over at the end of the Mad Max series but instead of them looking through an old Fisher-Price Viewmaster, they'd be drawing those world trade center towers on it's stomach, then furiously scribbling them out to keep the skyline accurate.

like i said, that pig was an unopened treasure chest of ideas. question: if Bill the Butcher had a glass eye, why was it moving around in the socket? again, he needed to spin the dead pig around to face the audience and explain that one to me. "you see boyo, these's muscles here and (slice) here will continue to function, even if a madman such as myself decides blinding is the best punishment for losing a staring contest..."

okay, i'm going exploring again, i'll report back later. i'm digging all these trees though. nice change from the NW ohio flatlands. even though there's no grids to these streets, and i have a terrible sense of direction, i think navagating is possible, even without drawing a map on a pig. the trees and the hills are crazy. you can't see more than a half mile in any direction. every night i'm on Sasquatch alert, defcon 3.

::: david - 3:55 PM [+] :::
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