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Tuesday, June 03, 2003

“I thought you were dead.”
-Escape From New York

“I thought you’d be bigger.”
-Roadhouse

“I thought you said, ‘i’m all right Spider...’”
-mumblin’ stutterin’ prick from Goodfellas



finally got Miller’s Crossing on dvd, and one other movie that i’ll confess to later. well, two other movies but Blue Crush was a gift and doesn’t count. it’s the other movie that troubles me.

so i’m thinking this will be my dvd last purchase for a long time since i’m packing this shit up anyway to move. didn’t someone say something about “putting away childish things?” well, whoever that was never went to sleep to the sweet lullaby of John Carpenter’s talentless keyboard plinking, or to the soothing sounds of zombies thumping on a the door of a deserted farmhouse. however, since i’m going to be a man without a country for a little while, i’m going to be packing these movies real tight, and i don’t predict opening the boxes for a loooong time. are too many movies a bad thing? do you have a hard time trusting people with too many favorite things, or not enough? anyway, i vow no more movie talk since i’m going to be a nomad and walk the earth in search of inspiration for my fiction...

hey, speaking of, anyone remember the movie “Nomads?” damn, broke the vows already. remember it though? Pierce Brosnan as this guy who dies in the opening scene and passes on his thoughts to some doctor? turns out there’s this group of leather-clad immortals that roam around, turning up in decades-old photographs. led by Adam Ant so you know they got to be tough. the story is very similar to Bradbury’s “The Crowd” actually but still interesting in a low-budget first-movie kind of way. you know who’s first movie that was? John McTiernan. dude who did Die Hard and Red October (and 13th Warrior and Last Action Hero). there’s a lot of directors who start with these little edgy movies, and i go see them at the art cinema and get all excited that i discover something and POW they’re huge with mindless action bullshit. i have this dusty old VHS copy of Nomads i acquired somehow in high school and i was thinking of upgrading to the dvd when i noticed it on the shelf next to Miller’s Crossing, but i couldn’t do it. that movie needs to be a shitty blurry videotape, it’s a good memory for me. so i moved on down the shelf and you know what was there? scratching at it’s cage, whimpering to be taken home? “Roadhouse” baby! also a sellout movie by a young scrappy go-getter named Rowdy Herrington who started out with another movie i “discovered” at that now defunct art cinema. anyone remember “Jack’s Back?” modern day Jack the Ripper stuff but with some good twists and James Spader kicking a little ass for the first time. back then he was always sneering at some kid in a teen movie, or extorting Robert Downey Jr. into sucking a little dick to pay off his coke bill (art imitates...) but him playing the hero in "Jack’s Back" was a surprise for anyone who hadn’t seen “The New Kids” or “Tuff Turf” so i was diggin’ it. anyway, that guy went on to do “Roadhouse” so that’s my rationalization for buying this piece of shit. cause it reminds me of Nomads. and i used that word earlier. see, it all comes together. so maybe i just bought a respected film like "Miller’s Crossing" so i wouldn’t have to say that my last dvd purchased before i packed it all away for good was fucking “Roadhouse.”

you know, speaking of movies that get a bad rap, everyone keeps quoting Clerks by saying “ooooh Navy Seals” whenever they’re ripping on something, like that sums up any bad movie. but you know what? Navy Seals isn’t nearly as bad as most of Kevin Smith’s talky wank-fests so fuck that. sure i own all those Jersey movies, but i got my reasons. Clerks i own because i had the EXACT same job as Randall (right down to the connecting convenient store, only i didn’t have a gloomy pontificating jerkweed like Dante to break up my monotony. all i had was a group of surly psychotics next door at the Dairy Mart, including my own cousin who was fired for either punching a guy in the face with a fistful of keys OR sneaking out back to shoot holes in the gate of an abandoned pick-up truck with a .22, i forget exactly what happened but that was the highlight. wait, no it wasn’t. i just remembered another incident so i’m going to bust out of the parenthesis...)....i was sitting behind the counter at that videostore, watching “Midnight Run” with the volume low in case the owner came in, and there’s this payphone right outside the window, the glass like right there next to where i’m sitting. so i’m just watching these little BMX-straddling punks fucking with the phone and unscrewing the mouthpiece and i didn’t care, i mean, i’ve broken many a phone in my day, but i can’t help staring at them and eventually this one kid throws down his Mountain Dew and runs over to lean his head through the doorway and glare at me.

i’m going “what? i’m trying to watch ‘The Lost Boys’ (i mean 'Midnight Run')" and this kid says “what the fuck you staring at?”

keep in mind that this kid is like this 2 foot 2 little gelfling with arms about as big as my thumbs, not that size means anything. (hell, Patrick Swayze is the smallest dude in “Roadhouse. and my dad once said, “son, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog. or the gun the dog brings with him. if dogs carried guns. never mind. go play.”)

so anyway, i say, “uhhh, you?” he says “quit looking at me.” i start thinking i recognize him as one of the little dirtbike-riding brats that live next door to our building and i want to get a better look at him so i say, “come here for a minute” and when i say that he freaks out and starts screaming that he’s going to “go home and get his gun and come back and shoot me in the head” and he’s yelling that i only want him to come all the way in the door so i can grab him or something. so i’m just staring, amazed out how instantly furious he is (Mountain Dew?) and more than a bit shocked by the casual threat on my life. so i say, “go ride your bike home and get your gun you stupid little fuck” and off he goes. so i sit there, unable to pay attention to the movie, thinking “fuck that little kid” for about 10 minutes. then i lock up the store early and i’m out the door like Scooby Doo running from a mummy and i drive to my brother’s house to tell him the story. i rationalized my fleeing-the-scene with my dick between my legs as:

1.) i could use the story as an excuse to close early AND i don't have to explain how old the kid was that threatened my life by carefully using the word “bike” when telling the story. ‘cause that could mean motorcycle too you see. and...

2.) getting killed by a 12 year-old would haunt me so bad that i’d be a fucking tormented poltergiest in that videostore forever.

what was the point of that? oh, “Clerks.” okay, yeah, i bought that shit, that’s cause it hit close to home. the original “happier” ending anyway. i guess i bought “Mallrats” because i already had the other ones by then. “Chasing Amy” because it had all that comic book crap. “Dogma” because it was an ambitious failure and “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” simply because Eliza Dushku is in that and she is hot as FUCK. but remove all these factors, that incident with the 12-year old, and my compulsive need to complete a movie collection and you know what you’re left with:

"Navy Seals," in spite of its many flaws, is a better movie and doesn’t deserve that punchline. don’t deny it. does any Kevin Smith movie have Charlie Sheen jumping off a bridge out of a moving car or punching someone in the throat? didn’t think so.

the videotape of "Roadhouse" i just upgraded to dvd was stolen from that videostore fifteen years ago. and i don’t think my new digitally mastered Sam Elliot/Swayze/Jeff Healy Band masterpiece is worth the loss of those memories. even though i did find that puppy what i think will be a loving home, i won’t replace them anymore. no more dvds. i'm not ashamed to declare that this, and not “Miller’s Crossing” will proudly stand as my last dvd purchase. until the Navy Seals Special Edition.

::: david - 2:29 AM [+] :::
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